Sunday, June 20, 2010

Finally...the Luau pictures

Ok - these are long overdue, but here are some pics of our luau party...

Here is the tiki bar that my wonderful husband built - he is amazing!

Here is the poolside table all decorated ready for the party - oh...and there is one of my dogs too :-)

Here is some of the food. We had won tons, stuffed pastries, party mix, fruit dessert, chips and dip, fresh fruit, Kahlua pork, teriyaki meatballs and banana pie...

Here is the kitchen table with a close-up of the fruit display - I LOVE them!
I promise there were people there LOL but I didn't post pics of the people because this site is so public. We had a wonderful time and although it was overwhelming at times, I think fun was had by all.
TTC update - STILL waiting on AF. After 2 weeks of cramping, this is getting old. Murphy's law - as soon as we are ready to start treatment again - she goes on hiatus. Sometimes she is such a wench!

Friday, June 18, 2010

What drives me to want children?

I recently began to ponder why people decide to have children. Some people choose to not have children and some people are good either way. I am definitely not one of these people…I want children. I want children so hurts. I decided instead of wondering about other people...I would try to figure out myself...“what is it in me that drives me to want children so badly?

I think many people choose to have children because it is the “next step”. They are married or have life partners and feel that children are the next thing that comes in life. This way of thinking is taught as young children with this familiar rhyme:

“First comes Love, then comes Marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”

I know many people that I would put in this category. I know they love their children and are grateful for them, but I believe that when they decided to throw away the birth control and try to become parents, they did so because they liked the idea of being “parents” it was the next chronological life event.

After over five years of struggling with infertility, countless amounts of money spent on fertility treatment, two miscarriages, two surgeries and adoption certification I find myself asking “What is it in ME that drives me to want children so badly? Why do I keep putting myself through this month after month, year after year?”

Is it the fact that it doesn’t come easily? It is a struggle and in a way I want to prove that I can do it. I can beat this and I will not give up until I have succeeded.

Is it because I see all of my friends having children and I am feeling left out? Sometimes it is difficult for me to relate to my friends with children. We have very little in common anymore and I just can’t talk “babies” with them.

Is it because I believe that this is the next chronological event in my life? My husband and I dated, we got married, we bought our first house and now what? The next event in our life SHOULD be having children.

Is it because I feel an obligation to give my parents grandchildren? My parents are wonderful grandparents. They love their grandchildren immensely and it has always been a running thing in our family to see who will have the new baby at the upcoming Christmas? (I am the lone infertile in a family of fertiles) I am the youngest of six and all of my siblings have had children and have completed their families. It was blatantly pointed out recently by one of my sisters that I am the only hope for future grandchildren for my parents.

Is it because I am curious to see what my husband and I’s children will look like? My husband is a strikingly handsome man with a sparkle in his eye that still to this day makes me melt. I find myself fantasizing about what features our children will get from him and what features they will get from me. recently had an application where you could upload a picture of yourself and a picture of your significant other and they will put together a picture of what your future children would look like. I never did this…it is too painful to see what may never be.

Is it because I was born with some mysterious “mother instinct” , some genetic drive to reproduce? As a child I ALWAYS had a baby doll in my arms, “house” was my favorite game to play and I even went as far as to stuff clothes in my shirt to make me look pregnant. Was I just born with this desire and have no control over it whatsoever?

The truth is, I think it is a bit of all of these things. There is a certain amount of competitiveness in me that says “infertility will NOT keep me from having children” and the fact that it is difficult for me to get (and stay) pregnant drives me to the next step, the next cycle.

I do feel isolated from my friends that have children and I dread hearing that new friends are trying to start a family because I am terrified that they will achieve parenthood before me.

I feel having children is the next chronological event in our lives. We have achieved many milestones in our relationship but can anyone tell me what happens after marriage, a career and buying a house?

Being the only sibling in my family without children and the fact that all of them have completed their families, creates an immense amount of pressure for me to now have children. How can I be the only person in my family without children?

I look into my husband’s eyes and wonder, will our children have his gorgeous blue eyes, or my brown eyes? Will they have his freckles or my tan skin? Will they get my almost invisible lips or my husband’s luscious, thick lips?

I have this overwhelming desire to be a mother. I have had it since I can remember. I used to carry my nieces and nephews around all day on my hip. I would feed them, rock them to sleep, change their diapers and I never felt more peace than when they fell asleep on my chest. This was my heaven, my oasis.

I guess in a way being infertile has allowed me the time to really sit back and analyze why I want children. After all, if I were able to have children easily, I would have two live children now and probably trying for a third…there would be no time to think about it…it would just “be”.

Monday, June 14, 2010

What is new...

First of all - my niece is back in the hospital - it has been very touch and go with her over the last 2 weeks. She has an infection on her back now where they took the bone marrow sample last week. They struggled for 4 days to get her blood sugar below 360, but finally got it down to 130 last night. The dr.'s suspect that she is insulin resistant.

She just got out of the OR. They did an MRI to determine if the infection is in her bones or just in her skin - this will make a HUGE difference! They also installed a PIC line for her iv's. She has very small veins and it is EXTREMELY difficult to get an iv in. The one she had in last night failed, and it took them 6 hours to get a new iv in. They finally sent in an OR nurse and she got one it after two sticks.

My family is all exhausted, but we are hanging in there! Thank you all for your kind words of comfort and support!

Pace and I have been participating in some infertility research and would like to share the opportunity for you to participate as well. It only takes about 25 minutes and lets face it - the more research done, the more educated the general public is on what we are going through! Here is the link info:

As far as our IF goes - I feel AF coming on and today is CD27. Pace and I have decided to move on with Fem.ara, so I am going to call my RE today and get a script so we can give this month the best shot that we can. I am very excited to get started on treatment again - I really hope this works!

I know I haven't posted any luau party pics yet, but I will do so...I promise!

Monday, June 07, 2010


First things first - the luau went pretty well. The stress over the last week definitely got to me and I spent some of the time in my room fighting off anxiety attacks, but for the most part, it was a success. I will post pics later.

The more important news. My 4 year old niece "M" was born with down syndrome. Last week she was diagnosed with lymphoblastic leuk.mia. She is a very very sick little girl right now. She was given blood transfusions last week and that helped her feel better until yesterday. She had an appointment this morning with the oncologist to get the treatment plan set up for her, but she was doing so poorly they have admitted her into the hospital again and are moving up the beginning of her chemotherapy to...TODAY.

She was supposed to go in on Wednesday to have a permanent IV port installed as she is looking at about 3 years of chemotherapy to beat this. Her chemo treatments were supposed to start on Wednesday as well, however due to her rapid decline over the last 24 hours, they are moving all of that up and are beginning treatment today.

Forgive me if I am not around a whole lot right now. I am completely terrified and devastated over this news. I live so far away from my sister and nieces, and all I want to do is just be there for them right now.

If you are the praying type, your prayers for my beautiful little niece would be appreciated.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

My momma always told me...

"if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all."

Which is why I haven't been blogging. I have tried to keep up on commenting, but I just haven't had anything "nice" to blog about.

I will go into more detail later once I am more "removed" from the situation and not so emotional, but in a nutshell...since my last upbeat and positive blog this is what has happened:

Family drama
Serious family illness
No ovulation (once again)
Job issues (both mine and my husbands)
Broken garage door
Hurt feelings
You guessed it...
more unexpected pregnancy announcements

Oh...I did think of one nice thing to say...Tiki party this weekend!!! I will be sure to upload pics!

Night night