Pituitary...Shimuitary

Well, I have officially completed the 9 shots of follistim. My right thigh has turned into a calming hue of blue and purple. I am exhausted, ALL THE TIME, and beginning to have anxiety attacks about our appointment today.

I guess that is one of the most amusing things about infertility. There are so many hurdles you have to jump through and so many "defining moments" throughout this journey. It isn't just the anticipation of the two week wait. It is the anticipation of EVERY STEP!

You anticipate every single appointment, every single ultrasound, every single blood test, or HSG, or insemination, or pregnancy test. Everything we do during this journey carries with it a nice fat dose of anticipation.

You anticipate this test...you pass WHEW...or... you fail SHIT... Change directions, start over, more tests....anticipate....pass WHEW.... then...BFN... SHIT....change directions, new protocol, wait...wait...wait...shots...shots...shots....anticipate...no follicles SHIT...cancel cycle ... change directions, new protocol...anticipate...shots...shots....shots... anticipate... 1 follicle...OK...IUI... wait.2.weeks...BFN...SHIT... change directions...

You see where I am going with this right? We are in a constant state of inconsistency. Oh...and we are not supposed to stress, cause that can affect your fertility...right.

I know I have lazy ovaries, they have proven their indolence for the last 15 years. They are quite successful at being lethargic. That is what they do best. I can't say it is all my ovaries fault. It is kind of a chain of command issue. I personally think it all started with the pituitary gland. Who could trust anything named "pituitary"? It just sounds like a rebel without a cause. I am not sure what happened to make my pituitary gland mad, but it was something big and "he" is holding quite the grudge.

Maybe now since I am taking the hormone he is supposed to be producing through a shot, he is realizing that he could lose his job very quickly if he doesn't change his attitude and increase his productivity! He IS replaceable. (By the way... I am not really sure why I decided that my pituitary gland is a man, now that I think about it, he is probably a she...after all...women are the only beings that could hold a grudge for 15 years!)

So here I sit, anxiously awaiting the results of my ultrasound. I am terrified that it will not be good news. If we have to stim for any longer, I am not sure we will be able to afford the meds. We have used up the meds that were graciously donated by one of my online friends. I have been praying extra hard for financial peace. I know that God will provide...He always does, but the fear in me is still there and not being financially "sure" is a scary place to be.

I guess I just need to turn that "fear" over to Him and let Him deal with it. It will work out, it has to. I am not sure I could face another disappointment.

My friend...the Hermit Crab

I haven't posted in a couple of days because, well...to be honest I really don't know what to say. I have been through a range of emotions, feelings, thoughts and I just dont' know where to begin.

I had my CD3 ultrasound on Saturday and all looks good. They have me on 100IU of Follistim every day for right now. (That's lovely - I get to shoot up every day instead of every other day) Should make detoxing interesting. :-) I am relieved my Dr. is finally listening to me and being much more agressive this cycle. Not only do they have me shooting up every day, they don't have me coming in for an u/s until CD12 instead of CD10. So far, my follies have NEVER been of any substantial size on CD10 so this will save me $250 for an un-needed ultrasound.

I was totally blessed by a woman named Gloria this week. She is on my TTC (Trying to Conceive) board. She is donating her left over Follistim to me! I feel so humbled that a complete stranger would reach out and help Pace and I try to make our dream come true. I told Pace last night that if this cycle works and if it is a girl- we are naming her Ivy in honor of Gloria who made this cycle possible. Hopefully someday Pace and I will be in the position to "Pay it forward" for someone else in need!

______________________________________________________________

Have you ever been at a point of contstant change? You know ... that point in your life where you know you are changing, but you don't really know how or what you are changing into? You just know you are changing. That is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am stuck somewhere between the person I used to be and this person I am going to someday be. It is kind of an unsettling place to be in life. In "limbo". You begin to question yourself, why you are doing what you are doing and why you didn't do it before. It is a very vulnerable point in life as well as you are kind of "raw". You are shedding your old self and becoming a new person.

It kind of reminds me of the hermit crabs Pace and I used to have. They would pick a shell and then one day out of the blue they would be in a new shell. They usually did this in the night where they felt the safest because the body of the hermit crab is very delicate and very sensitive. The smallest disruption of their body while they are inbetween shells can kill them. That is where I feel I am. I am in between shells, however, I am worse off than my friend the hermit crab because they pick out their new shell (while still in their old shell) and walk right up close to it prior to making the switch. I, on the other hand, ditched my old shell, and am walking around, with a fully exposed, vulnerable body searching for the shell that fits the best.

I guess we all go through these points in our lives. I have been looking at where I have come from and where I want to be in life. I guess if I was a little older some would call this a midlife crisis. (Although I have not sought out a Cabana Boy or gone under the knife for some new chi-chi's)

I'm not sure how long it will take me to find the perfect shell to fit me this season, but I hope that whatever shell I pick, it is a comfortable one.

Goodbye Sorrow...

Hello Aunt Flo!

Yep...that's right. After over 2 years of NOT showing up on her own...Aunt Flo made her appearance on her own...right on time this morning. I am still in shock a little. My first "normal" cycle in over 2 years! Praise God!

Ok...I am still a little miffed about the whole BFN (Big Fat Negative) thing, but...AF's arrival definately put a positive spin on things.

Pace and I talked last night and we have decided to go ahead with one more cycle before June. We are going to take a break in June cause we will be going on vacation and I do not want to worry about our cycle when I am on vacation. The only thing that is hanging us up right now is finances. Because I stimmed so S.L.O.W.L.Y. last cycle, I had to pay for many more ultrasounds and much more Foll.istim (can anyone tell me why they put periods in the middle of words like that? Is it a rule?) than we had originally budgeted for. So I am putting a shout out to all of my fellow infertiles that: I AM BEGGING! Will work for Foll.istim!

Please, if anyone has any left over that they don't need - would you be willing to donate it to me? I absolutely HATE asking people for anything, but I am desperate!

I have absolutely ZERO infertility coverage, so Pace and I are paying for everthing out of pocket. Although I realize IUI's are much more inexpensive than IVF, they definately aren't cheap! So if you are willing to help or can help please email me at Nicholeinaz1@cox.net Thank you in advance!

(Slowly getting off of knees and brushing sand off of my face from groveling) On a lighter note, I am feeling much better today. AF's arrival definately helped, but yesterday I was able to come to a peace about the whole cycle. I decided to "cowgirl up" and just deal with it and move on.

I am tired of crying, I am tired of being sad, I am tired of being upset, I am tired of just being.

So...here we are jumping into another cycle. I have my first dr. appt. on Saturday to check for any cysts and then away we go. This time, we are only telling close family and those of you out here in Blogger World with me. I am not telling anyone at work or any friends. It is just too hard to tell them that it didn't work.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments yesterday! You guys make getting over the BFN so much EASIER!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

14dpIUI

Negative

40 hours to go, but who's counting?

I'm . starting . to . go . crazy.

I can't help it. The suspense is KILLING ME!!!

I so desperately wanted to test this morning. But Pace talked me out of it. He is right, I should wait until Wednesday when the doc said I should test but I just can't help it.

I reluctantly agreed to follow his (and the doctor's) advice. After all - both of them know better than me right now. I am just not thinking straight. I think I am a little off my rocker and getting farther and farther off as the POAS (pee on a stick) day gets closer.

My other sister called me this morning to see how I was doing. It is so wonderful to have the loving support of my sister's and my mom. Even though all of them are so fertile that if their husbands look at them they become pg - they are sensitive and very understanding of where I am right now which makes it so nice!

I just really hope I can call them all on Wednesday morning with good news! I am not sure how I will tell everyone if it is negative. I will probably just have to send an email or something cause I don't think I will be able to talk on the phone. Then I think about work...how will I be able to work if it is negative? (All of you experienced POAS'ers know that using FMU (first morning urine) is the best for pg tests, so if I POAS in the morning, it would be before work.) Thankfully I work for fairly understanding people - plus I have worked here for 6 and a half years and practically run the place by myself - so I do have some extra pull if I need some time off!

I am not sure, but this will probably be my last blog until I POAS Wednesday. Tomorrow evening I will be volunteering at the Women's Center, so won't get home until late.

I hope I have some wonderful news to report to you all in less than 40 hours!

(but hey...who's counting) LOL

10dpiui and the High Road

Today is 10 days past my IUI. Two of my sisters and my mom called me today to see how I was handling it. It is nice to know that they are just as excited/anxious as I am. I really don't know what to tell them other than I am chomping at the bit, nervous and excited. I am trying to get myself to a place where I am at peace either way. Whether it is positive or negative, just get myself to the point where I am ok with it.

I have been thinking lately what I would do if this cycle doesn't work. Would we take a couple of months off? Will we jump right into another cycle? Would we change my meds? Would we do IUI again? There are so many decisions to make and the unfortunate part is that you don't have a whole lot of time to decide. I don't know how I will feel if this cycle doesn't work. It is one of those things that you can't know until you are there. Which is very representative of the entire infertility process. That is why it has been so hard for a few of our friends to understand where we are at...they aren't here - they are not having to make these decisions, they are not having to emotionally deal with infertility.

You may remember from my 2dpIUI post,(I don't know how to post links - sorry) I spoke of my ex-friend "Dora" and our issue over infertility. Well...I finally have peace with where our friendship (or lack thereof) is. I finally took the opportunity to tell her how I feel about her and her husband's immaturity, their disrespect and their down-right rudeness. I think one of the most cowardly things a person can do is hide their true feelings under harsh words, name calling and cussing. Her husband is a master at that and proved that to us last night. Hearing the way he was speaking to Pace and I just solidified the fact that these people are not friends. They never have been. They are selfish, self-righteous, immature children who don't know the meaning of real friendship, respect, and adult conversation.

When adults have conflict, typically either it is discussed right away without (or at least with minimal) screaming, and cussing and DEFINITELY without name-calling. Or after a "cooling down" period, the issue is discussed following the previous manners already listed. I am not even sure I know the definition of some of the names "Dora's" husband called Pace and I last night. I am sure he was drunk - that is what they do. Get drunk, scream, yell, call names and start fights. "Dora's" husband finds some sort of power and satisfaction in threatening to beat people up. He has done this as long as we have known him, we have just never been on the receiving end. I guess we should have known that someday it would be us. To him I say this "Grow up."

I told "Dora" that I have nothing to say to her...EVER... I am done playing their games and I have no desire to invite their drama infested lives back into my life. I am at a different place in life than they are and I love where I am right now. I don't want to go back to the constant frustration, fights, drinking and drama. That stuff is for the birds. The most ironic thing to me is that they are the people who brought Pace and I to the Christian church.

I think God placed them in our lives to bring us to the church, they fulfilled that and now we have no need for them. We have surpassed where they are spiritually and now the only thing left for me to do is say goodbye. I will pray for them - that they may see their hurtful ways and stop before they hurt anyone else, and I will love them from a distance for playing a huge role in the woman I am today. They will never be able to take that back.

I am finally at peace with the friends they were and never will be again. It feels so good to have that situation and them behind me. I am sure one day we will run into each other again. After all, we do have some mutual friends and we only live about a mile away from each other. But when we do meet, I will be able to hold my head high and know that Pace and I took the High Road.

9dpIUI

Nothing new to report today. Just same 'ole same 'ole.

I spent last evening at the women's crisis center I volunteer at. Once a month we have a gathering for our clients where we just hang out and pamper them. Last night was the first one of this season and it was a hit! We had great food and fun crafts. It was a little hard for me to be around all of the babies, and to listen to all the baby, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc. talk, but other than that it was great. It is nice to see how much the clients have grown emotionally, and spiritually since they first walked through our doors.

I have been a little blue the last couple of days. Not exactly sure why. I guess I feel a little secluded. All of the friends I used to have either I am not friends with anymore, or they have moved and I literally have no "girlfriends" that I hang out with on a regular basis. I get up in the morning, go to work, come home, and do it all over again the next day.

I remember my friendship with my best friend in High School. She knew me probably better than anyone and was just so intuitive. She would call me in the morning and say "Got a feeling something was wrong...what's up?" And 99% of the time, she was right. She made me feel like she truly cared about my feelings, my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and for my overall well-being. She and I lost touch after High School, and I miss having that kind of friendship. The type of friend you hear about or see on TV, but rarely experience (at least for me).

I have no plans for the weekend and that makes me very happy. Typically Pace and I's weekends are even busier than our week, so not having plans for the weekend is quite refreshing. Maybe I will finally catch up on all of the housework I have been neglecting. The weather is going to be beautiful, it is supposed to cool off this weekend and I am SO looking forward to that. I am not ready for another Arizona Summer!!!

It has been a turbulent, roller coaster week and I am ready for some relaxation & TLC!

My Christian Epiphany and 7dpIUI

Whew! Luckily for me (and all those around me) this last week has gone SO fast! There are only 7 more days to go!

I feel pretty good. I broke out with this rash on Friday. It started on my sides, thighs and just under my bra - it is slowly spreading and now covers my belly, my upper arms, chest and thighs. It itches really bad sometimes, but Pace made me promise not to scratch! I will probably go to the doctor, but I want to wait until I know if we are pg or not. I don't want to NOT get meds cause I MIGHT be pg. If I can stand it, I will just wait until next week and see what happens.

Other than that, I am feeling really well. No real "symptoms" to speak of, little things like sore breasts, bloating and cramps - which are consequently ALL symptoms of "Aunt Flo"also. Figures huh?!

I have been debating all morning if I should share what happened to me last night while I was volunteering at the Women's Center. I am struggling because it is very personal, a little radical, and religious. If it is one thing I have learned in life, those are three things you don't talk about...Personal issues, radical things and religion. I have decided to write about it. I have decided that if people don't want to read it, they certainly don't have to, but this is my online diary and this is a very significant time in my life and I want to document it. Also, it may be a story that will inspire others.

So here it goes, if you don't want to read on, please don't! And please don't try to flame via comments - I moderate all comments so it won't be posted and if you don't like what I have to say - stop reading my blog.

I met a woman last night (I will call her A) at the Christian Women's Center I am a volunteer counselor at. She came in to help our director build a contact database. As mentioned in my profile, I am a baby Christian. I am struggling in my walk ( the longer this infertility lasts...the more I struggle) with Jesus and I am having a hard time making God #1 in my life and placing my trust in Him. I have started reading the bible, we go to church almost regularly, and I pray - but I can't say that I have really made Him #1.

So A was in the director's office talking when the director asked me to come into her office. I went in and sat down the entire time feeling this weird "vibe" from A. After a few minutes of visiting with the director A looked at me and said "you have an amazing spirit" I thanked her and smiled - not really sure what she meant by that. Then she went on to say "I see that there is turmoil in your heart, there is something weighing heavy on your heart preventing you to hear God's word." After hearing this, I started to get a little uncomfortable. I thought "who is this woman claiming to know my heart when she just met me 5 minutes ago."

She went on to say "God is telling me that you have a hardened relationship with your mother about something, He said there is something that happened to you as a child that is still haunting you that you haven't been able to let go." That is when the tears started. I was confused, I had no idea how she knew these things, there is now way she could have known about my childhood and my strained relationship with my mother. I was so taken back by this woman. She was looking into my eyes and seeing things that I try my hardest to hide.

She continued to say that God is going to use me in miraculous ways - that He has large plans for me, but I have to cleanse my heart of the hurt and pain I am carrying around. Then she paused and had this very intent look on her face. She looked at me and said "You have been ill recently haven't you? God is telling me that you need not worry about your ailment, that He will heal you, but you have to understand that He is using this illness to make you stronger and give you this as a story you can tell of how He healed you and worked in your life. He is not punishing you, He loves you and is making you a stronger Christian." By this time I had lost it. I felt a little violated, I was overwhelmed, uncomfortable and a little freaked out.

But she didn't stop. She said "Wait - he wants me to tell you that you need to forgive yourself." I looked at her a little confused not sure exactly what she meant. She continued "He said you say horrible things to yourself and that you are constantly beating yourself up over everything. He said you need to stop doing that - He has forgiven you for your sins, why won't you forgive yourself? He said that He loves you and that you are perfect in His eyes and you need to hold your head high and love yourself as much as He loves you."

Now the only person I have told about my "self-talk" is my husband. No one else. It is something I have always struggled with. I would never allow anyone to talk to me the way I talk to myself, but it is so hard for me to control. I constantly struggle with this.

I have heard of women like A - women who claim to be able to "talk" to God and claim that God shows them things that will happen in the future, but I never thought they were "valid" I just thought they were bible thumping Christians that were radical in Jesus! Women that are trying to use Jesus as their ticked to fame. I wouldn't consider A radical. She is a woman in her late 50's, calm, down to earth and "normal" in every sense of the word. She is not an over-the-top person, she is just a quite woman who has this amazing relationship with the Lord. There is no way A knew about my childhood, my mother, my "self-talk" and especially my infertility. There is no logical explanation for how she knew those things. Except for the fact that she really was speaking to God. My thoughts are that He knew my heart was hardening and I was slipping away from Him. He used A to communicate to me since I wouldn't allow Him to speak directly to me.

He definitely got His message across loud and clear! There it is...my first personal conversation with God through a woman that I didn't even know! I hope there are many more in the future - without the interpreter!

Call me crazy, call me radical, call me a bible thumper, call me what you will, but I am a believer, because there is no way I can deny what happened before my very own eyes last night!

2dpIUI (days past IUI)

I have managed to not over-analyze every pain, twitch, rumble or stretch so far! I am pretty dang proud of myself.

Yesterday I had minor "symptoms". I had some cramping and breast tenderness, but that is due to the HcG shot, today - nothing really. I am a little more tired than I should be, a little more weepy than most days and my breasts are still a little tender, but not as much as yesterday. I am sure all of that has to do with the HcG shot and nothing else. After all...even if the egg DID fertilize - I am sure it is still somewhere in my fallopian tube right now - not even close to implanting in order to cause real "symptoms." - Ok, ok, so maybe I HAVE over-analyzed a LITTLE!

I can't help it though, I want it SO bad! I can't stop thinking about it. Every waking moment (and even sleeping moments) have been consumed with having a baby. Worries, fears, excitement, anxiety, you name it, I have felt it! I continue to battle my bitterness. I really don't want to be bitter, but I just can't seem to help it.

I have been thinking a lot about one of my closest friends (that I lost due to this infertility battle) a lot lately. She said some awful things to me that really hurt. I thought I had forgiven her and let it go, but I haven't. I still carry some of that anger and resentment. I see pictures of her holding her "unplanned" son, and it makes me want to scream. She has NO idea what it feels like to be in my shoes, yet she had NO problem making me feel like sh*t.

What makes me even more angry is that Pace and I's friends (who we introduced to let's call her "Dora") don't care. They don't care how she treated us, or the awful things she and her boyfriend (at the time - now husband) said. Our friends are still friends with her and to be honest, that hurts. Maybe it is a little (or a lot) immature of me to think that my friends shouldn't be friends with her anymore, but I can't help it. If someone hurt one of my close friends and was downright hateful to my friend, I don't think I could continue being friends with that person. I just feel like it would have been nice for at least one of my "friends" to stick up for Pace and I and say "look Dora, what you said was mean, nasty and completely uncalled for. You are a selfish person and have really hurt Pace and Nichole. I don't want to be friends with someone that is as self centered as you." Is that too much to ask?

Now I have to deal with the awkwardness of seeing Dora and her (now husband) at our friends houses and I hate it! I don't want to see them, I don't want to see their son, I thought I could move past it and be friends with them again, but I can't. The things she said to me can not be taken back and really, she has never apologized for being a hateful person. I will never forget the things she said to me and I know that she doesn't care about my infertility, how I feel about being infertile or how much this has destroyed the person I used to be. How can I be friends with someone who does not care about my well being at all? I just can't.

I hope that someday, I will be able to forgive her and just chop it up to her own insecurity and immaturity, but right now, the wound is just too raw. Pace and I had already been TTC (trying to conceive) for 10 months when she got accidentally pg with her son. I was supportive, I cried when I first found out (privately - NEVER in front of her) but I helped with her baby shower, I always asked about her Dr. appts., I went to the hospital after she gave birth, I babysat for her...I was THERE for her. She knew about my infertility but I never went into detail or told her how devastated I was over it because I did not want her to feel bad or guilty cause she was pg. So imagine my surprise when the very first time I told her that I was having a hard time listening to all of the pregnancy talk, baby talk, breast feeding talk, birthing talk, etc., she BLEW UP IN MY FACE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!

No...that is NOT a friend, and I don't need or want friends like that. I would rather have NO friends than have friends like THAT!
I am sorry this has turned into a friendship rant, but she has really been on my mind a lot lately, and she has recently started emailing me and contacting me on myspace again. I have responded nicely, but now I don't want to respond at all!

On a HAPPIER NOTE:

I am looking forward to a halfway relaxing weekend. Some friends from out of town will be visiting tomorrow and I am excited to see them. I have not seen them for almost 9 years! It will be so much fun. Other than church on Sunday, and a meeting at the Women's Center I volunteer at on Saturday - we have nothing planned, and that is A-ok with me! I think it is due time for some RELAXATION!!!

Come on little egg - please fertilize, travel down the fallopian tube and implant in my nice, comfy, warm uterus. Please stay with me for 9 months and enjoy the ride!

Exam Room 4

Well...the insemination is over! It was very nerve racking. Pace and I decided to wait at the RE's office between his "drop off" and my appointment. We watched the movie Radio - a great move if you have never seen it! I was doing pretty good until the nurse came out and called my name. That is when my heart started racing and my knees got all wobbly.

It has taken us over 2 years to get to this point and in a matter of minutes I knew it was all going to be over. We have done everything we can do for this cycle, now it is in God's hands. It was strangely comforting to know that I could relieve myself of all this stress because no matter what I do from this point on, it is all Him. (Actually it was all Him from the beginning, but it is hard to keep that into perspective when my husband is having to give me shots every night and I am going to the doctor every other day)

We walk into exam room 4 - a room I have come to know quite well. I get changed and sit on the table. A few minutes later, a female nurse practitioner comes through the door with a small vial containing Pace's washed sperm. The final count post wash: 67 million sperm! Amazing! She said that pre-wash his numbers were actually 127 million. How in the hell can he produce 127 million sperm in 3 days and it takes me 2 highly medicated, very expensive weeks to come up with one follicle! It just isn't fair.

Of course the high numbers went to Pace's head a little, but you know what...he deserves to be cocky about it and I am not going to ruin that for him!

The nurse explained the procedure to me and then asked me to "assume the position" Ah...this is where the phrase stirrup queen comes in to play. I have had my feet in the stirrups in exam room 4 more times than I care to remember.

I would first like to say that an IUI is NOT like a pap smear. At least not for me. Holy crap! The pain was not pleasant at all. I kept holding my breath and tensing up - the NP kept telling me to "breath and relax". Easy for her to say - she doesn't have a plastic tube all up in her business stabbing the top of her uterus.

She did say that I have a "beautiful cervix" so I guess I will forgive her for stabbing my uterus. Seriously, I didn't think I would ever hear anyone compliment my cervix, I think I have heard it all! But it did make me feel a little better. Hey, my ovaries may not work well, but I have a beautiful cervix!

As soon as the NP left the room after the procedure - the tears came. It was 10% because of the pain and 90% the overwhelming emotions. We have finally done it. We are finally at a point where we have a chance to conceive our first child. I just felt so overwhelmed and the whole experience was so surreal. After lying on the table for 10 minutes, I was up, dressed, and out of the door.

I am still crampy, I am in my pj's lying on the couch with Pace's laptop trying to lay low and just rest.

Welcome to the 2WW. My very first "official" 2WW!

Comfortable Discomfort

In 28 hours the insemination will be over. We will be officially in the 2WW. What has taken us 25 months to get to will be over in 28 hours!

The trigger shot went well, although I didn't sleep a wink last night. Pace and I went to bed at 8:45 but I think I only slept a couple of hours before it was time to wake up at 1:30 am for the trigger shot. I was lying in bed wide awake when the alarm went off. The shot went just fine. No pain, no bleeding - nothing. I think I finally got back to sleep around 3 or so this morning. So needless to say...I am exhausted!

I plan to POAS when I get home tonight just because I can. Just because for once in my life I would like to see a positive pg test. I know it isn't "actually" positive, but it will show a positive from the HcG shot. I just want to see what a positive pg test from MY urine will look like. (Like everyone else's I am sure, but it will be so much different for me.)

I have warned you all along I was a kook, but now you are really starting to see it aren't ya?! And the 2WW hasn't even begun yet. Wait until you hear my ramblings of over analyzed "symptoms" that turn out to be gas pains. You all are in for a real treat!

Other than being tired, my lower abdomen is "full" there really is no other way to describe it. It doesn't hurt, but it is just uncomfortable. It is the enlarged ovaries and surging hormones I am sure, but I am a-ok with that. This is the type of discomfort I have been looking for (and paying a lot of money for) for a long time, so ... I will enjoy it, the discomfort of ovulation! Here we come! I can't believe I am really going to ovulate! It is such a monumental thing for me! WooHoo!

I will post a pic of my positive pg test since it may be the only positive I get.

My new addiction disorder

...16.5...

It is still growing. At our ultrasound on Saturday, our lonely little follie had grown 4mm. So, they had me do one last Follistim shot on Saturday. I will do the trigger shot tonight and the IUI will be Wednesday! FINALLY!

It seems like it has taken forever to get to this point. I guess it kind of has....2 years 1 month and 2 weeks.... It truly is unbelievable how many things have changed since we first started TTC (Trying To Conceive)

My range of emotions lately are astronomical. They range anywhere from elated, frightened, angry, anxious, sad, and ecstatic. The sky really is the limit. I am so tired emotionally, physically and spiritually... just tired. I have tried so hard to not get my hopes up for this first IUI to work, but I have failed. My expectations are very high and only seem to get higher by the day.

I feel like we have overcome so much this cycle. I am actually producing a follicle! I haven't done that in God only knows how long.

I find it amazing how much fertile women take for granted something their body does every month without fail. I am completely awestruck with the fact that I have a little egg in my body waiting to be fertilized and become my son/daughter. It is not even fertilized yet, but I already feel this strange attachment to it. I know...I AM insane! I already feel like this is the beginning of my child. My child with My husband! Just the thought of that makes me want to throw up from nervousness. I am beyond bewildered and terrified right now. I have no idea how I am going to make it through the dreaded 2WW (2 Week Wait).

Knowing me, I will be POAS (peeing on a stick) every day until I eventually run out of tests or I finally get that BFP. "Hi My name is Nichole and I am a POASaholic" All respond " Hi Nichole."

Shots and Probing

"Be patient Nichole, I told you this was going to be a slow process." Dr. R tells me as he sees me in the hall with tears streaming down my face.

"I know, it is just frustrating." was my reply

"You are in very good hands Nichole, this will happen for you, just trust me." Smile...wave...and he was off.

I so wish I could do that. I so wish I could trust in this process.

I have many small follicles (6-9mm) and one follie that actually grew to 12.5mm. That is the biggest one I have had yet. I am convinced that this will be the little egg that could that will grow into our future child. (Ok, not convinced, but it sounds nice doesn't it?) Pace told me that I need to start thinking more positively and not have so many negative thoughts in my head. So there was a decent attempt at optimism.

The new protocol is to take 75IU of Follistim today, tomorrow, and Friday then go back in for another u/s on Saturday. I am really beginning to love the shots. In a sort of masochistic, self-mutilating sort of way.

As a woman, I have always dreaded my "annual" pap smear. That time once a year when you lay yourself out (no pun intended) to a stranger in the most vulnerable, helpless situation possible. Feet in stirrups, covered by a paper gown...getting your hoo ha probed. However, there was one thing I could always bet on, my weekends were clear. There would be no vulnerable probing on the weekends, these days I could live in total confidence that Saturdays and Sundays were off limits to the hoo ha probers, UNTIL NOW! Now I have had my hoo ha probed on a Sunday AND will have it probed again this coming Saturday. The universe is slowly closing in on me.

I never thought I would ever feel comfortable getting my hoo ha probed, but now it is practically a daily expectation. I don't get butterflies or have to go to the bathroom before hand anymore, it is just so...normal...Wake up...brush my teeth...shower...eat breakfast...go to work...get hoo ha probed...make dinner...put on pj's...go to bed.
A day in the life of Nichole Clinger (ok...not the making dinner part, Pace usually makes dinner)

So...not a cancelled cycle, not a great cycle so far, but I am hoping that taking more Follistim, and taking it daily instead of every other day will prove to be the right combination. Please just pray for this little follicle I have that is trying to mature and grow a nice big healthy egg! Pray that this little follicle will house the strongest, healthiest egg that will grow into the strongest, healthiest child!

"It's ok if you are slow, as long as you get there."

Easy for you to say when you are the ones getting paid $250 each ultrasound. Not so easy for me when I am the one writing the checks.
I spoke to my RE today. He said he is not worried about my progress at all. He wants me to continue on and wait until my appt. on Wednesday before getting worried. He said is was ok for me to be progressing slowly. Which, I understand, I don't like it, but I understand. He said just to hang in there and see where we are at on Wednesday.

I feel kind of numb. I just feel like I am repeating the last cycle all over again. I wonder if I will ever even make it to the actual insemination. I seem to be getting stuck at the whole egg production stage, which IS cause for concern! It is not normal to not be responding to these drugs, I just hate my body so much!!!

I find myself looking at different options nowadays. I am trying to figure out if I would ever be "OK" with not having biological children. How would we afford IVF if we were told that was our only option? If need be, would I be "OK" with using an egg donor? Would we look at adoption, or be childless? If we chose adoption, would it be domestic or international. How long would it take us to save up the money to pay for something like that?

How can a person possibly process all of this? How can my body be so dysfunctional that it can not perform a basic function that it was made for?

I dread Easter Sunday which used to be my favorite holiday. I dread seeing little kids dressed up in their Easter dresses and suits with little Easter bonnets and bow-ties. Little kids hunting for Easter eggs, filling up on candy and fighting over the last pink marshmallow Peep. I dread most holidays now actually. Most of them are geared towards kids anyway...Easter egg hunts, firework shows, making paper turkeys out of traced hands, trick-or-treating, Santa Claus. I guess the only adult holiday I can really think of is New Year's and we don't even celebrate that holiday cause there are too many drunk drivers on the road and I don't want to be out amongst them.

But, I will put on my happy face, celebrate with family, indulge their children since I have none of my own and spend the next couple of days recovering emotionally from another childless holiday.

April Fool

That is what I feel I am. An April Fool. A fool for having any hope that my body will cooperate. A fool for thinking that all of these drugs and shots would do anything. A fool for paying an RE all this money for nothing. A fool for thinking I may have a shot at having a January baby. A fool for even hoping at all.

At my ultrasound today they only found 4 measly follicles. 2 on each ovary ranging from 6mm to 9mm. Keep in mind that a week ago, I had many follicles at 2 mm and they need to be 20mm before they will let me trigger. The drugs aren't doing Sh*#. Ok, so they are doing something, but I had more follicles that were larger last cycle with just the Femera alone. (And that cycle ended up being cancelled because on CD14, I only had one follicle @ 11mm) Adding injectibles has actually reduced the amount and size of my follicles. I am so damn frustrated I could put my fist through a wall. The lady that did the ultrasound told me to do another 75IU of the Follistim today (which we already did) and take the remainder of the Follistim on Tuesday. I go back in for another follicle check on Wednesday. Another $250 ultrasound, more time off work, more bruises on my thigh, and no hope that this will ever get me a baby.

Pace has been the wonderful strong rock he always is when I am falling apart. We decided to call my actual doctor (the lady that did the ultrasound is an assistant) and get his perspective. I don't know why they are pussy-footing around with the drugs. Just up the damn dose and lets get the ball rolling. I realize that they don't want me to hyperstimulate, but I am paying for this out of pocket for crying out loud! Can we not be SO cautious?

So I have more injections, more days of waiting and more of a broken heart. I am more bitter, more spiteful and I hate that. I sit in church and ask God: "why me?" I know I am not perfect, I have not always lived right and I have made many mistakes, but why is he denying me this gift of being a mother? Why does He think I am not fit? I will probably never have the answer to this question, and that just makes me more bitter.

Pace and I had a wonderful evening last night. We had a wonderful dinner and I surprised him with tickets to Stomp! He was so surprised and we had a wonderful time. If they are ever in an area near you - I would definately suggest going! They are very talented, funny and entertaining. We had a great time! And to our waitress at Ruths Chris - you rock! You were the best and thank you for not making us feel stupid because we had no idea what kind of wine we wanted (Hey...we are beer drinkers, not wine drinkers)!

Dear Cashier: Mind your own business!

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY! I haven't been this excited about a weekend in a long time. What a wonderful one it is going to be. We get to spend the evening and tomorrow morning with Pace's 2 year old little sister, then we get to have date night tomorrow night with the big *surprise* for Pace after that, Sunday will be church and our appointment. I think (other than getting bad news at the appt.) I have eliminated any time for bad news/or bad things happening.
Yes. I am EXCITED!
My ovaries felt very large and achy last night. This morning I convinced myself that it is all in my head (since the achy ovaries were obviously figments of my imagination last time)and now they are not near as achy. (Crazy how the mind works isn't it?) It kind of worries me cause if they are not achy it makes me feel like there is nothing going on in there. I am just trying to be patient, keep a level head and not get my hopes up.
Pace gets to give me my final shot tonight. I am so thankful that he is going to be giving me the shot, I don't want to give myself a shot ever again. I am so glad my parents never tried to talk me into being a nurse - my patients would hate me!

Here is something I don't understand and I welcome all thoughts on this subject:
Pace and I went grocery shopping last night and we were getting some Easter candy and stuff for his niece's, nephew and his little sister. We were at the checkout stand and the cashier asked who all of the candy was for - Pace explained then she said "Well, when are you guys going to have kids?" My first thought was "here we go again." I turned bright red holding back tears looked at her and politely said "someday". Why do people think it is any of their business? Having children or not is a very personal subject. A personal decision that a person (or couple) has to make for themselves. Why does every stranger out there feel that they have a right to that information? I decided after last night that I am going to come up with a couple of responses for next time I get asked this question (which will be soon I am sure). Here are some - feel free to add some if you have any ideas.

"When all the infertility drugs and inseminations start to work."
"We have kids already, they are just locked in the closet at home."
"We probably won't - I am infertile...thanks for asking."
"I don't know, my ovaries don't work."
"When pigs fly."
"(Just burst into tears and run away sobbing)"
"That is none of your business."
"Do you really care when I am going to have kids?"
"When I have enough money saved up to do In-Vitro Fertilization, since you care so much would you like to donate to the cause?"

Ohhhh if only I could think of these when people actually ask me that. I usually just turn bright red and want to go hide under a rock.

2 shots down...2 to go. (hopefully)

Well, Pace (I really don't think there is a reason for Mr. Clinger anymore) had to work late last night, so I had to give myself the shot. ALL BY MYSELF. My husband must have taken some medical classes or something when I wasn't looking cause when he gave me the shot, it didn't hurt AT ALL! But it hurt like hell when I did it! It even throbbed for a good 5-10 minutes afterward and is all bruised up. (The pic is of him giving me the shot. I couldn't manage to give myself the shot and take a pic at the same time) But, the good news is, I only have one more shot of the Follistim and if all goes well, I will have the trigger shot and then that is it!
My anticipation is growing for our appointment on Sunday. I want so bad for this cycle to work. The pressure financially, emotionally and spiritually is just too much and I want Pace and I to be able to close this chapter in our life and start our family already. I don't want to get my hopes up like I did last time, so I am trying to expect the worst and hope to be surprised!
I am feeling better today than I have all week. If you didn't guess, the weekend and beginning of the week was a little rough for me, but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have arranged a surprise for Pace for our anniversary and I can't wait! I can't write about it here cause I don't know if he reads my blog or not, but I will tell you all about it on Sunday after my appointment. Hopefully I will be able to get some pics of his reaction! Teehee

Feeling Human

I am doing a little better today. The migraine has subsided some. It is still there, but at least I don't feel like lodging a sharp object into my brain for some relief. I am back at work today and feeling a little more human.
Of course, I get to do another Follistim shot tonight, so we will see how that effects the headache dept. I may have to do this shot on my own though because Mr. Clinger has to work late. I would much rather him do it, but ya got to do what you have got to do!

My mom and dad did the sweetest thing for Mr. Clinger and I - I was talking to her on the phone yesterday and she said that she asked the priest in her church to say a mass for us on Friday morning. I was deeply touched! We need all the prayers we can get!

Mr. Clinger and I are finally going to make time to celebrate out anniversary (a month late) this weekend. We have dinner reservations and may hit a movie or something - not completely sure yet. I am so excited - we have not been out on a date for quite a while and since the last couple of months have been so rough, it will be wonderful just to have some alone time with the love of my life!

Bundle of sunshine

I survived the first shot of follistim. It was actually not bad at all! I am on the verge of a migraine headache. Not sure if the meds have anything to do with that or if it is my current emotional instability. Either way... it sucks!
I think Mr. Clinger actually enjoyed giving me the shot a little. Not that I can blame him, with the way I have been acting lately, I want to stab myself with a sharp object!
I am a little bloated today, very tired, and very crampy. I am quite the bundle of sunshine!

My Emotional Trauma

What a rough time right now. AF finally arrived on Saturday. It was actually perfect timing because I was able to go camping and not have to worry about driving back to go to the dr. I had my CD3 appt. today. Everything looks great. Lining was great and both ovaries had multiple little follies on them but nothing over 2mm. So...I start my Femera and Follistim tonight. I will take 1 Femera a day for CD 3-7. I do 75iu of Follistim on CD's 3, 5 and 7. I go back to the dr. for another ultrasound on April Fool's Day. I hope for their safety, no one decides to try and play a trick on me this year...it would not be good.

I have had a lot of time to do some major soul searching this weekend, and I have decided I am more screwed up than I thought. I have discovered some real issues that I have not dealt with and are totally affecting me personally, but even more so, my marriage.

I blame myself for my IF so much. Not really blame myself, because I don't really know if there is anything I could have done differently to prevent it. But I definately carry around a lot of guilt for it. I hate myself. I feel broken and incomplete. I feel damaged and kind of like a leper. I hate my body. I hate that it doesn't work right, it doesn't feel right and it definately doesn't look right. I hate how depressed I have been lately. I hate that i can' t enjoy my life with my husband (who adores me for some reason...I have no idea why) because I am too consumed with infertility. I realized today that I have robbed our marriage of so many things because I was so consumed with starting a family.

I blamed him for not understanding how I feel, for not listening and not "getting it" but the truth is, he didn't know what he was supposed to understand cause I wasn't telling him. I never told him how broken I feel, how I feel I have failed him as a wife, how I feel unworthy of being loved. I couldn't tell him those things because I didn't even know I was telling myself those things. Until this weekend, I had no idea just how damaging my own thoughts were to my self-esteem.
My poor husband. I have taken this frustration out on him time and time again and for some reason he can still look at me with love in his eyes. How can I be loving and passionate with the one man that I love more than anything when I hate myself?

I am truly blessed in that I have married the most understanding and loving person I have ever met. He loves me through my faults, my weaknesses and my strengths. He has seen me at my worst, but loves me just the same.

I didn't write this blog for sympathy, I didn't write this blog for any reason other than healing. To get it out there so I can do something about it. So often people are critical of infertile couples going through treatments etc., but I really don't think that many people truly understand the complexity of emotional trauma that comes with infertility. So, there it is...my emotional trauma for all to see/judge/learn from whatever the case may be. But at least now that it is out in the open, I can see it, learn from it and do something about it so that I can once again be the wife for my husband that I promised to be over 2 years ago.

Mr. Clinger: You are my rock, you are my world. I am so grateful for you. I love you.

Hurry up and relax already!

Today is Friday. 5 days since my last pill and nothing. I had a little bit of cramps yesterday, but that is it. No spotting, no nothing. So today...I pulled out all the stops. I wore my favorite undies (with no pad) and very light cream pants. I figure if it is one thing that will bring on AF, it is fav undies and white pants! So...we will see.

I tried the relaxation technique Pastor Joe from our church taught me. Apparently in our last counseling session he decided I needed to relax more. Hmmmm...ya think? The relaxation technique went ok, I was very impatient though. **Yeah...I get the irony...I am even impatient when trying to relax.** "hurry up, why don't I feel relaxed yet? It isn't working, I don't feel anything." Grrrr. I wish I would just shut up already!

Eventually I think I just gave up and fell asleep. I slept well though and woke up feeling rested.

Mr. Clinger and I are supposed to go camping this weekend with a friend of ours, but it rained all day yesterday, is supposed to rain all day today, through the night and tomorrow morning. And we live in Arizona - the soil doesn't soak up the rain as well as it did in KS. Instead we get flash floods and mudslides up in the mountains. So I don't know if camping is such a great idea this weekend. It is just as well I guess, but it would have been nice to get out of the city for a weekend before we start this next cycle.

Provera...Out

Whew...Mr. Clinger and I survived. It was not easy...but we survived another dose of Provera. I don't remember being THIS moody on Provera before, but OH MY GOSH!!! My poor husband! He couldn't do anything right! The worst part was that I knew I was being completely ridiculous, but I couldn't stop!!!
Anyway...my last pill was Sunday night, and I can slowly feel myself getting back to normal. We are hoping to go camping this weekend, just waiting for AF to show up to determine if that would be possible or not. I wish she would just hurry up and get here so we can do CD 3 ultrasound before this weekend. I would really LOVE a nice, relaxing weekend out in the wilderness before all of the craziness begins!
I am starting to kind of freak out about the whole injections thing. I mean, it just isn't normal. I am getting very used to needles, but I am used to needles in a hospital environment with a nurse who had to go to school for MANY years before being able to give me this shot. I am NOT used to being responsible for mixing the meds and injecting them in my own home. That is a lot of pressure for a Human Services major!
My marriage has survived another dose of Provera - although Mr. Clinger is looking into renting a white padded room and a straight jacket for the remainder of the cycle.

Ahhh...Provera, we meet again.

My parnter in crime...Provera. Together we shall conquer that stubborn Aunt Flo and drag her to my doorstep kicking and screaming.
I started taking the Provera yesterday and it is already getting to my head. The crabiness and the painful bloating has set in. I am officially in my biggest clothes ever. Between the infertility drugs and the quitting smoking, I am quite a mess. Mr. Clinger and I started bike riding together at night. Right now the weather is perfect for that, but within a couple of months it will still be 100 degrees at 9:00 at night, so I don't think we will be doing a lot of bike riding after that.
My spirits are ok I guess. Mr. Clinger and I are going to get connected with a couple in our church that has gone through infertility. It will be nice to have a person face to face ( I have many infertile friends online) that is going through or has gone through what I am going through. Especially since my entire family and all of my friends happen to be the most fertile people EVER! Seriously, their husbands/significant others look at them in a loving manner and 6 months later I am getting a baby shower invitation!
Ok...so maybe I am still a little bitter. Not bitter towards the fertiles in my life...but bitter towards my situation in particular. I am very happy for those in my life who have been blessed with children and would never wish infertility on ANY of them. (I wouldn't even wish this on my enemies!) It is a very jagged pill to swallow. So, we are trucking along. Hoping for insemination the first couple of weeks in April, but I am not going to get my hopes up this time. I will try my hardest to take it one pill, one injection, one ultrasound, one insemination at a time.

Thanks for all of your love and support - Especially you Melissa! I really enjoy reading your blog, and am thankful that I can share some of the same emotions and feelings with someone else! Good luck testing in the next couple of days!

Chicken

Yes...I am still alive! I haven't written for a while because...well I needed some time to lick my wounds from my last cycle. (Analogy borrowed from a dear friend of mine...Cindy Jo) I really felt like I prepared myself for the worst last month. I was so wrong! I was (and am) completely devastated. I am terrified to start the next cycle. I don't want to face anymore dissapointment and I know that I don't have the power to control my level of excitement for being a mom. I want it so desperately!
Mr. Clinger and I are trying to muster up the strength and the money to go through another cycle. God help us if IUI doesn't work because there is no way we could afford IVF. It is hard enough to scrimp and save for the IUI's. If we got to that point, we would have to move to an infertility coverage mandated State so we could at least have a chance at insurance coverage.
So we are officially on our 25 month of trying. I have made it 3 months without a cigarette (barely) this last week has been the hardest for me!
I don't really know what to write here. My mind is spinning as I sit here at the computer. I want people to know we are still here...still alive. But medically, I really don't have any updates. Within the next few weeks AF should be here in all her raging glory and we will go for it again. Attempt #2 hope for the best, expect the worst and hope at the end of the day you can muster the strength to go on.

On to #2

Apparently my ovaries just weren't up to working this month.
At Friday's appointment, I had only one follicle (for those of you who don't know what a follicle is, it is the thing that develops on your ovary that eventually an egg will grow in and mature ready for conception) Anyway...that one follicle was only 11 mm. So...the count decreased and the size increased barely. 11mm is a far cry from the 18 or 20mm that it needs to be at.

I was angry, I am angry, I am confused, I don't understand and I am utterly devastated. But...I am ok. I am going through my daily motions, living my life and suprisingly enough, I am ok. Mr. Clinger has been wonderful! He holds me when I need to be held, let's me cry when I need to cry and makes me laugh when I need to laugh. I have no idea where I would be in this journey without him!

So we are moving on to the next cycle. We will be doing more aggressive treatments this time. I don't know when the next cycle will start, and that is ok with me right now. I am looking forward to enjoying Valentine's Day and our wedding (and TTC) anniversary with my husband without having to worry about meds, Dr. appts., what I eat, what I drink, etc. I am looking forward to the break. '

Don't get me wrong, I wish we didn't have to move onto another cycle, but a break is welcome right now.

It has truly been a blessing, all of those who have and continue to support Mr. Clinger and I through this journey. We are truly blessed by our friends and family. People we expected support and love from failed us, and those that we never even expected have totally suprised us and have gone above and beyond the support and love we expected. It has definately been an eye opening experience.

So, I may not write for a while, it will at least be two weeks until we can think of starting another cycle.

Lazy freakin ovaries!

The verdict is in...it is not just my opinion, it is FACT that I have lazy ovaries!

They found 5 follicles that were big enough to measure, but even those were small at best. I have 3 that are 8mm, 1 that is 6mm and 1 that is 5mm. My dr. won't even think of triggering me until they are at least 18mm, preferably 20mm...so they have a lot of work to do.

I am thankful that I have not overstimulated, but I am so frustrated that I have to wait longer AND pay more money for more ultrasounds! If they don't do some major growing in the next couple of days, the cycle might be a wash.
Silly me...here I was worrying about hyperstimulation - I should have known better.

(sigh)

I go back on Friday the 9th for another check-up. Hopefully we get better news than we did today.

Holy Ovaries

Now I am not exactly sure, but I think my ovaries are officially the size of grapefruits! I suppose that is a good thing, that means the Femera is doing something! Last night was my last dose of the Femera, now I just sit and wait until my Dr. appt. on Tuesday.

Yesterday I felt pretty crappy. I just felt so exhausted and I could not get comfortable. I felt like every time I sat down I was squishing my ovaries. (Quite the odd feeling I must say!) So i was totally lazy and stayed on the couch almost all day!

I don't really think I am stressed about this cycle. I am kind of just "going through the motions" in a fog. I am trying to detach myself a little because I am terrified of being dissapointed. Those of you who know me, know that I am a pretty emotional (sometimes drama-queen) person. So, the thought of getting my hopes up that this cycle will work ony for them to ultimately be destroyed, is almost more than i can bear.

So, I focus on detaching and turning over this cycle to God so that he may do His will.

Babies...Babies...everywhere

I totally understand that the world does not revolve around me. I do REALLY!

However, I find some recent occurrences in my life quite odd.

Babies are everywhere. The further and further I get into this infertility thing...the more I am convinced that the cosmic universe is really trying to piss me off. Planting pregnant women and newborn babies in every unsuspecting place imaginable.

Example #1: American Idol just started. I thought of all shows, this would be a "safe" show. No babies, no pregnant people, right? Wrong. There was last week. Millions of you saw it. The contestant that missed his wife giving birth to their second child in order to audition on American Idol. They actually took American Idol cameras to her hospital room and filmed dads first look at his baby. Priceless

Example #2: I watch the O.C. Don't hold it against me, it used to be a good show (and a good excuse to get together with my girlfriends on Thursday). I am painfully aware of how bad the show is now, however there are only 4 episodes left, so I can't help myself. Kirsten Cohen (now well into her 40's) ends up pregnant. Then the show goes into great detail of her abortion when she was in High School and her guilt following that abortion. Her only living child is now going off to college and OOPS...she is now pregnant. The OOPS factor is the part that really burns. So I decide to change the channel to my new addiction, Grey's Anatomy

Example #3: On Grey's Anatomy they have opened up a free clinic and the first patient is a 13 year old girl who comes in and confessed that she is sexually active and "that it would really suck if I was pregnant." Yeah...you know what else would suck little girl? That your promiscuity as a teenager would lead to several STD's which prevent you from having children when you are old enough and are ready to have children. Or even worse yet...you get an STD that will KILL you!

(insert rant)

Why is it that young men and women feel that pregnancy is the worse thing that can happen to them if they are sexually active with multiple partners? Pregnancy is not terminal, it will not (under most circumstances) kill you, you will not have to be medically treated for it for the rest of your life, you will not have the obligation to tell every sexual partner you are with for the rest of your life that if they engage in sexual intercourse with you, they may catch it. It will not break down your immune system to the point that you wilt away into nothing and eventually die from it.

So why does our youth have the mentality that pregnancy is the worst thing that could happen to them if they are sexually active? Where have they learned this?

I volunteer at a women's crisis center. I deal with sexually active clients on a regular basis, most of them come to our clinic for pregnancy tests. Whether their test is positive or negative, I am always shocked at the look I get when I ask when they are going to get checked for STD's. What??? Me??? no,no,no...I don't need to get checked...we used a CONDOM...OK, I get that, but you just took a PREGNANCY TEST!!! We are obviously missing something here.

(rant over)

I watch the news in the morning while I am getting ready for work. I guess I am just at glutton for stories about death, rape, murder, robberies, car crashes and the Suns. Anyway...I am getting ready the other morning and a commercial comes on. It is for a new way of "permanent" birth control. Can't remember the name....the main thing I remember about this commercial is a woman probably in her mid to late 30's saying "and my insurance company paid for the entire procedure."

Ahhhh Lady...give me a break here!!! I really don't feel like crying in my Grape-Nuts this morning! My insurance company won't pay for $*&%, but I guess if I ever want to permanently destroy the hope of ever having biological children, my insurance will pay for that. That is really good to know, just in case my body starts spontaneously producing mass amounts of children. I will have to take down that number the next time I see the commercial and put it in my wallet for a rainy day.

(insert vomiting here)

So, the moral of the story is...they are everywhere. Pregnant women, newborn babies, baby toys, baby products, everywhere. Don't get me wrong...I love them. I love pregnant women ( I do, I think they are adorable) I love babies (obviously) I love baby toys, products, everything about them. But right now, at this distinct time in my life, they are all painful reminders of my struggle.

I decided tonight that around 6 in the evening is the best time to grocery shopping because those with children are either at home preparing dinner for their children, putting them to bed, or taking them to soccer practice. Therefore, my chances of running into pregnant women or newborns is decreased.

(When I shared this expert advice to the cashier tonight she said...oh...and where are your kids? ...

My response: "I wish I knew.")

Follicle Fertilizer

Well, took my second dose of the Femera last night and so far I have had no side effects! Totally wonderful! I've been a little moody, but I think most of that is from AF and just the stress of the entire situation.

Mr. Clinger is getting so excited for this procedure, although he has always been involved in this process, this last week he has really expressed an interest and has been amazing! I don't know how I would ever get through this without him! He has showed such strength and he happily listens to any and all updates and never complains.

Any husband that will sit and listen to what I have had to share with him about my anatomy etc., is a wonderful husband!

After tonight, I will only have 2 more doses of Femera, then just wait until my appt. on Tuesday and HOPE that we have only ONE or TWO big follicles that are waiting to be penetrated! :-) I pray that the fertilizer (Femera) does it 's job and doesn't feel the need to overcompensate for lack of follicles in the past. We really only want 1 or 2 big follicles, any more than that will increase our chances of multiples greatly, and may cause the cycle to be cancelled.

All Systems Go!

Well, I got the "ok" from my Dr. this morning to start the Femera. I had to go in and have an internal ultrasound done to make sure there were no cysts on my ovaries first.
Do you realize how mortifying it is to have an INTERNAL ultrasound on Day 3 of your period??? I am not sure who thought that up, but it seems pretty Icky to me!
At least it was a woman that did the ultrasound, so I felt a little better.

I cried when I left the Dr. appt. Oddly enough, this time they were tears of joy. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to give this IUI a shot. I really feel like the Lord is walking with Mr. Clinger and I right now. I am not saying that the Lord told me it was going to WORK...I just feel his presence with me. It is quite humbling and wonderfully relieving!

So...here we are at the beginning of an amazing journey within a horrifyingly difficult journey...thank each of you for walking it with me! I will update you on how the Femera works!

She's Here!

Finally, she is here in all of her painful glory! She showed up bright and early yesterday morning. So...today is CD 2 (cycle day 2) I am just waiting ot hear back from my RE to schedule my first U/S (ultrashound) appt. I guess that means I will start the Femera tomorrow since tomorrow will be CD 3.
I am pretty sure that is what the schedule says. Good thing I have it all written down at home or I might very well screw this whole thing up.
So, the way I figure it, if all goes according to plan from here on out (I'm not holding by breath) The actual insemination should occur Mon or Tues of next week.
So surreal! Our time is finally here. God please let this work!

Damn mind games

So I took my last Provera Tuesday night. So...as of 9:00 pm last night, my body should have started going into the Provera withdrawals which will ultimately bring on AF (Aunt Flo).
I woke up this morning...nothing. No cramps, no irritability (actually I am in a better mood today than I have been in all week), no AF. OK...so I know I am jumping the gun a little, but...the longer I wait, the more mind games my body plays on me.
I stood up from my desk earlier and thought I felt something, so I ran to the bathroom...nothing.
As I sit here, the cramps are starting...but are they really starting or is my mind just so dead set on AF coming today that I am making them up?
DON'T LAUGH!
I actually have the ability to make myself feel these things. I can make myself feel morning sickness (that obviously isn't there) I can make myself feel ovulation (which of course is preposterous since I DON'T ovulate!), I can make myself feel cramps (that are absolutely not there)
You thought I was kidding when I told you I was on the verge of a breakdown...but now, you have proof.
I don't do this intentionally, it just HAPPENS. I try to talk my brain out of it, but it won't listen.
So...here I sit with fake cramping wishing I could just go home, take a percocet and fall into a deep deep sleep. Then not wake up until the REAL cramps have come and the REAL AF is here so my STUPID brain will stop tricking me!
OK...now you can laugh.

On my knees begging Aunt Flo to visit

OK...women all over the world literally hate Aunt Flo. They don't like any part of her visit (unless of course they are relying on her to tell them if they accidentally got pregnant or not) Women actually have changed birth control and take special pills to make their body only have periods 4 times a year.
And here I am in all my non-ovulating glory on my knees literally BEGGING Aunt Flo to visit me again.

That's right - I took a pregnancy test this morning...NEGATIVE. Of COURSE it was negative. After 2 years, why would I expect anything different? So on my way home tonight I get to pick up my prescription for Provera which I will take every day for 7 days along with my Prenatal vitamins and after the seven days...I will have dragged Aunt Flo's lazy ass, kicking and screaming to my doorstep.
Yep...most girls have to take pills to keep her away...I have to take pills just to get her ass to visit every once in a while!
Ahhhh, the irony!
Anywho...that is the update for now. Just waiting for Aunt Flo to show up, stack away as much money as possible and then get this show on the road.

Start praying for me if you haven't already, I think I am already on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

IUI here we come!

OK...so not PCOS, not CUSHINGS...we have no idea what the hell I have except for a hormone imbalance.
Thanks...I could have told you that 13 years ago.
Anywho...Dr. R suggests that we move forward with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) Because my hormones are so wacky, trying to adjust them with just medicine may result in a spontaneous release of a huge amount of eggs and since Mr. Clinger has good swimmers, thus resulting in a pregnancy with multiples. Like...more than 2 or 3. Which would be very dangerous (And quite fitting according to Murphy's Law) for babies and me.
So...the game plan
Wait 2 weeks
Take a pregnancy test
If positive GAME OVER - I WIN!!
If negative-start Provera to bring on a period
On day 1 or 2 of period, have an ultrasound done to check for any cysts on the ovaries
If no cysts - start taking Femara on days 3-7 twice a day
Go in on Day 10 for ultrasound to check for follicles
If I have plenty of good strong follicles I will be instructed to give myself a shot of Ovidrel which will then tell my ovaries to release the follicles
36 hours later Mr. Clinger will "do his business" in a cup at Dr. R's office
The wash the sperm (to seperate it from the semen)
Then they inject the washed sperm in me
Wait two weeks
Take a pregnancy test
REPEAT AS NECESSARY
PRETTY ROMANTIC ISN'T IT?
Not quite what you thought when you thought of "making a baby" huh? No candles, no chocolate covered strawberries, no champagne
Just lots of eggs, clean sperm, a lot of stainless steel and an audience.

Life is a charm isn't it?

Don't get me wrong...I am so happy to have a game plan. I really am. It has been almost 2 years with no end in sight and now, at least I can take a pg test and actually know that there is a chance that it might be positive.
I am just so overwhelmed and this is not at all what I had expected!

Happy New Year!

Well, here it is 2007. I thought by now my belly would be as swollen as a tick. Well...it's not, ok, it is a little swollen, but that is a result of being fat...not pregnant. But, I do have an appt. today to get the results of all of my tests and hopefully will be able to put together a game plan.
It has been a month since Mr. Clinger and I have smoked...ok, I admit, we did try to smoke a cigarette on New Years Eve, but it hurt so bad and was so disgusting, neither of us could go through with it. I guess that is a good thing right!!!
So...one month without smoking. Woo Hoo! That is the longest I have gone without a cigarette since I was 16 years old...almost 10 years ago! My how time flies!
Anyway...Happy New Years! I'll update on my appt. tomorrow