I Am Enough



I have struggled with self esteem issues the majority of my life. I am the youngest of six children and I always found myself struggling to find my own identity in the sea of my large family. I wanted to be unique, I wanted to be my own person but I just wasn't quite sure how to do that.

I have felt this strong desire for as long as I can remember to be accepted by everyone and was so terrified to disappoint people. I am not sure why, people disappoint me all the time. I still love them, I still respect them and life moves on. Our 8 year infertility journey has been 8 years of me feeling like a disappointment every month - do the math...8 years times 12 months - that is 96 times that I disappointed people (and that is just due to infertility - I have disappointed plenty of others for plenty of other reasons). On purpose? Of course not, but it was the failure of my body that caused the disappointment nonetheless.

I disappointed our friends who desperately wanted us to have kids so our kids could play together. I disappointed them because us being able to have kids would have taken the big fat elephant out of the room and eased the tension when we were around each other. I disappointed my family who wanted another baby at Christmas time, or another grandchild, niece, nephew, cousin etc. I disappointed my husband in so many ways - all un-intentionally of course, but I disappointed them all. Much to my dismay... my friends are still my friends (the good ones anyway - the ones that just couldn't hang were cut loose) my family still loves me dearly and my husband adores me. I Am Enough.


The necklace I bought myself as a daily reminder

I was a healthy weight when I met Bam and about a year after we met my insulin resistance (although I didn't know that is what it was at the time) kicked in and I gained a huge amount of weight and have continued to gain as I have pumped my body full of hormones and drugs encouraging it to produce an egg and then maintain a pregnancy. Then my depression kicked in after months of infertility and I started eating to cover my feelings and I didn't reduce my carb intake because I wanted to feel normal damn it. Everyone else around me can eat it and I just want to be a part of the group - I don't want to feel left out. As I got heavier, my depression worsened, my self image was wrecked and the cycle continued.

I know now that I need to give myself a fucking break. My body, my mind, my heart and my emotions have been through hell and back over the last 8 years. I did the best I could at the time, and now the only thing I can do is try to do better. When I look at myself in the mirror, I need to think kind thoughts and quit telling myself that I am a "fat slob", "unattractive" and "unlovable" just because I don't have the measurements of Heidi Klum, I don't look good in a bikini and I have stretch marks and cellulite. Bam still thinks I am sexy, so why shouldn't I? I have been living with this mentality that as long as I hated myself and hated my body, I would be motivated to lose the weight when in all actuality it is the self hate that has kept me where I am. I have to love myself for who I am, for what I am and the weight I am before I can love myself enough to change the things that I would like to change. I Am Enough.

I Am Enough. I don't NEED to have children in order to be a successful woman. I don't NEED to have children in order to fit in with my friends and family. I don't NEED to have children in order to be loved by others. I don't NEED to be a size 6 in order to be lovable. I don't NEED to lose weight in order to look and feel sexy.

I Am Enough. I DO need to be healthy mentally. I DO need to stop being so hard on myself. I DO need to tap into my creative side. I DO need to accept myself for where I am and who I am. I DO need to exercise more and live a more healthy lifestyle because heart disease runs in my family - NOT because I NEED to be skinny to be cute.

I AM ENOUGH - and so are YOU!

It has been damn near a year since I have posted on this blog and I can't exactly explain why I am back other than the fact that I have missed having an outlet. I have missed having a place to gather my thoughts and leave them. I have missed all of my readers which I am still surprised that I even have - thanks for hanging in there with me!

So much has changed in the last year but mostly myself. The person I was a year ago is so foreign to me now. I am reinventing myself, my priorities, my hobbies and my way of thinking.

For those of you who are returning from my previous blog I would just like to point out a major change. I am not in a good place with god and at times question his existence or at a minimum his sanity and stability. I have a difficult time believing in any religion especially one that portrays an infinite being that "blesses" people with babies only for them to be murdered, raped, abandoned, abused etc. Yet chooses to not "bless" loving, caring, responsible adults with the children they so desperately desire. This is not the only reason I have given up on conventional religion and religious beliefs but it is a big one and for right now it is not up for debate. Do me a favor and do not leave comments trying to convince me otherwise I can promise you they will not be met with an open heart at this point - it is just where I am. As I previously stated, I am reinventing my ways of thinking and I am giving myself permission to follow my beliefs even if they are unconventional.

So...where was I ahhh - a recap of the last tumultuous year - last year at this time my husband, Bam (yes, that is a nickname with a pretty good story behind it) and I had decided to pursue adoption out of the foster care system. We both knew that our hearts had been broken so many times that we would not be able to do any fostering at this time, however we were open and even excited about adopting an older child.

Don't get me wrong, it took me a while to get used to the idea of never having the baby experience, but I used things like no sleep, colic, teething, projectile vomiting, diaper blow outs and the like to help convince myself that I didn't need to do the baby thing - I just really wanted to be a mom. This journey was not AT ALL what I had envisioned - but the end result was the same.

We endured 4 months of classes to teach us how to relate, bond, discipline and nurture children that have been neglected, abandoned, starved, raped, drugged and so many other unconscionable things. Although the information was valuable and I learned a lot, I felt my heart both aching for these poor children, and burning with hate for the adults responsible for these children's pain. By the time we graduated from the classes, I felt like I needed a month or so just to deal with my emotions from the class.

Then, we were thrown a huge wonderful possibility of a curve ball. I was contacted by a young woman that I will call just that...for the sake of this blog. Young Woman is a sister of a friend of mine, 9 weeks pregnant and wanting to place the baby for adoption. We email and Skype a few times and I instantly felt more at ease with this woman whom I had never met than I ever felt possible. It was at that time that I had an epiphany moment and thought that this was going to finally be the end of our journey, everything was fitting together so nicely.

Young Woman never wanted to have children of her own, so I felt partially released from a guilt factor I had regarding infant adoption. I hated the fact that in order for me to have a family via domestic infant adoption, it required such pain and loss to be felt by such selfless individuals. The fact that she never wanted kids, lessened that for me. The fact that the father of the baby also was not interested in having more children helped even more. Young Woman also wanted to place with a couple that had not been able to have children of their own - which said to me that she had thought about her decision and I felt the risk of her changing her mind and deciding to parent was minimal.

No, I am not an idiot and I know that until birth parents relinquish their parental rights, there is always a risk of them changing their minds, but with Young Woman, I just felt completely at ease and I started letting myself get excited about the potential of being a mom to an infant again.

I was cautious though...I knew that she was talking to another couple as well, so I tried to keep my heart and mind guarded. I created a hidden board on Pinterest of baby cribs, gadgets, clothes, crochet designs etc. so that I could dream and live in this fantasy world while no one else knew, not even Bam knew how deep I was allowing my thoughts to roam. We didn't tell anyone aside from a few close friends and my infertility support group - We had been hopeful so many times, only to be devastated in the end so even though I was confident in our meetings and discussions with Young Woman, I still knew that I was risking another broken heart.

In February we found out that the baby was a healthy baby boy and instantly my dreams started flowing of watching Bam and Baby Boy playing in the backyard, playing catch, fishing. Oh I could go on and on about the dreams and the hopes and the experiences that I envisioned we would have. Her due date is June 26 only days before my birthday and I envisioned spending my very first birthday as a new mother and that 32 would be the best damn birthday yet!

I pulled out the list of names Bam and I had chosen from my nightstand drawer. The paper is leathery and weathered. It is stained with tears and fragile from how many times it has been opened, closed, crumpled and smoothed out again over the last 8 years. There it was...the name for a baby boy that Bam and I had chosen 8 years ago and our chance to use it could be very close!

Young Woman had started to distance herself over the last month or so and I was beginning to feel a little uneasy. She had told me that she was having some mixed emotions and that she was going to a counselor to help her work through her thoughts which I was so grateful for. I am a compassionate person and whether or not she ever wanted kids, I knew that now she was feeling the baby move in her belly, feeling his hiccups, feeling his kicks and was likely having the same daydreams about him that I was - I couldn't begrudge her for that nor blame her - that is completely normal.

Young Woman contacted me in March and let me know that she had indeed decided to parent. She was as sweet as possible in her message to me yet my heart still broke into a thousand little pieces. Then I got pissed at myself for letting myself get so attached, for allowing myself so much hope and so many dreams. I hated myself for putting myself in the position to feel this much grief all over again.

It took me a few days to realize that I felt myself not only grieving the dreams and the hopes of a newborn baby, but I felt myself also grieving a relationship with Young Woman. I had envisioned a beautiful open adoption where she comes to our house for Holidays and birthdays and we talk on the phone and email and become great friends. I had envisioned us becoming a part of her family and she a part of ours.

This was a much different type of grief for me. I was grieving so much more than the loss of a child and I still am. As I sit here typing this, my heart still hurts, I still feel a little lost and I am unsure that I can survive any more pain on this journey to build a family.

I have begun reading books about living child free and imagining what that looks like. I have been paying close attention to how my feelings are changing as I educate myself on child free living and whether or not that is an option for Bam and me. At this point doing anything is just too painful, so instead we are doing nothing. We are focusing on ourselves, on our marriage that has been bruised by devastation and our careers.

There will be a time to make a decision, or maybe we will just fall into the child free lifestyle and find ourselves comfortable there someday, but today is not that day. It is not the day to make that decision and it is instead a day to reach back to something that used to bring me joy and release that turned into a dark, depressing compulsion somewhere along the line and breathe new life into it...My Blog.

Branching out for NIAW

In honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) I proudly debut my new Crochet blog. Learning how to crochet has been the most productive and helpful coping mechanism throughout our long, painful family building journey. Please take a look and I look forward to your feedback! http://crochet-ssories.blogspot.com/

A New Journey

I have been gone for a while...ok a LONG time, for that I apologize. I have decided to stop blogging about infertility as that is something of my past, and have decided to longer blog on this blog.

The fact is, we are not pursuing anything right now. We will probably pursue adoption in the future, but I am just at a yucky place right now and I need some time for me, to listen to my thoughts and feelings and figure out what is going to be best for us.

I will still be blogging, but on a completely different topic. Will I add some personal things in there? Of course, but the main theme of my new blog is going to be creating wonderful things through crochet. Crochet has literally pulled me through some very dark times, as odd as that sounds, but it has. It has given me something else to focus on, something that I love and I have been told I am pretty good at.

I just need to back away from the infertility/adoption stuff for a while and focus on the things that bring me joy. Of course I will still be reading your blogs, and cheering on those of you who are still working on building their family!

Thank you for all of your camaraderie, love, support and friendship throughout the last 7 years! Now...it is time to embark on A New Journey...

A Break

I want to thank each of your for your love and support.

I also want to let you all know that I am taking an all baby things break until next year. I probably won't be writing on my blog during that time.

I need a break before I break.

Since I have started my blog, I have watched many of you become mommies via many different ways and while I am so happy for each of you, my heart breaks even more with the loss of my four babies.

So my friends...I bid you farewell for now...

until we meet again.

Nichole

And again...

I don't have a good update from my ultrasound yesterday, unfortunately. The baby showed no growth. It was still measuring 5 weeks, 5 days and I am technically 7 weeks 5 days. The heartrate had dropped to only 68 bpm which is not good. They are taking me off all of my meds at this point and I go back on Friday to make sure I am miscarrying on my own.

I am so beyond hurt, angry, confused and devastated. I have no idea where we go from here. It appears that my dream to have my husbands child is forever gone.

We have a heartbeat!

We are back from the doctor. The appointment went pretty well. We were able to see a beautiful gestational sack and a tiny little baby (which looks nothing like a baby) Because of my whacky cycle, and late positive pregnancy test, we really aren't sure exactly how far along I am. According to today's measurements, I am about 5 weeks 5 days which is a week behind what I had calculated. The dr. did not seem concerned by this at all - probably just a late ovulation and a late implantation.

We were able to see the heartbeat - what a magnificent sight. The heartbeat was only 80 beats per minute, which is lower than what they wanted to see if I was measuring 6 wks 5 days but the dr. said it may just be early since I am only measuring 5 wks 5 days. They want me to go back in one week to check the heartbeat and the growth rate to be sure everything is ok.

So...next week's appointment will be the big one! Prayers for lots of growth and a strong heartbeat are greatly appreciated!!!

A new chance...

So...my last post was about my BFN and our new protocol. I went ahead and bought $500 worth of meds for our next cycle and was ready to go...just waiting on AF...and waiting...and waiting.

Finally on Monday I decided to take a pregnancy test (keep in mind this was 6 days after my initial BFN) it was positive. I called my RE and had the beta drawn: 341.

I had a repeat beta on Wednesday: 652.

And just because of our previous losses, I asked for a third beta today: 1154.

So, they are not exactly doubling every 48 hours, however they are increasing nicely and my doctors are very happy with where my numbers are, so as of right now, we are in pregnancy number 4. We have another chance and maybe some hope. I have added Love.nox and Pred.nisone to my daily medicine regimen in hopes that will help this little one "stick" around.

We are not overly excited, we are not planning the nursery, I haven't even calculated the due date...we are just taking it one day at a time and are thankful for this new chance.

Change of Protocol

Well...got our BFN this morning. I am beyond disappointed. I am exhausted and pissed. But...onwards we go. I spoke to RE and he is going to take out the Foll.istim this cycle and replace it with Men.opur.

This will be my first cycle on Men.opur and we will be doing IUI again as well. I sure hope I respond better than I did to the Foll.istim. All the pill taking and shots hardly seem worth it when I end up with only 1 follicle and a BFN to boot.

Right now just waiting for AF so we can get started again.

VACATION!!!!

Pace and I went on a vacation this past weekend to celebrate my 30th Birthday. We don't take trips by ourselves very often where we aren't meeting up with friends or visiting family, so this was a special treat for us! We drove to a Resort about 3 hours from home right on the Colorado River. We got checked into our room around 7:30 pm on Friday and headed down to the Resort's Cantina for dinner and drinks.

When I say we were right on the Colorado River...I mean RIGHT ON IT. From our balcony, the river was literally 50 feet away. The Resort has private boat docks for it's guests and every room has a river view. It was beautiful... See below


Saturday morning we got up, had breakfast and called a guy by the name of Rich that owns and operates a parasailing boat. We made arrangements on where to meet him and headed off. Yes, I was nervous. For those of you who know me in real life...you know that I am not HUGE on "wild" water (Tiffany do you remember floating the Salt River with us LOL) , I am not an exceptional swimmer, and I really don't like heights. If truth be told, I have a bit of an anxiety disorder. However, as soon as I stepped on the boat and met Rich, I was put completely at ease. He has 25 years experience taking people parasailing, was so personable and knew exactly what he was doing.
Here is a picture of the exact parachute we used, the exact boat we were on and...Rich :-)


As I soared over the Colorado River, a couple hundred feet up in the air surrounded by beautiful mountains and blue water, I was in awe. I felt so alive, so free and was just amazed by the beauty that surrounded me. Rich brought me down and dipped me in the water a bit to cool me off and the next thing I know I am back up in the sky so effortlessly. I was up there giggling like a little school girl.

Then...it was Pace's turn. I sat on the boat and watched him flail his arms around, having the time of his life turning the chute left...then right and then all of a sudden I see Rich jump up and open the hatch of the boat where the engine is and it is then that I see water pouring into the engine. I see a little bit of panic on Rich's face as he fires up the winch to reel Pace in. Then, I start to panic a bit...then I REALLY start to panic when I realize that Rich has to turn off the boat so he doesn't ruin his engine...which means no winch...which means Pace will not be having the nice, dry, easy boat landing that I did. I was right. Pace was lowered down slowly into the river and once he realized he wasn't just being dipped to cool off looked at Rich as if to say "WTH". LOL

Rich directed Pace on how to unhook himself, got Pace and the parachute back on the boat and beelined over to a small beach where he had his wife pick us up and take us back to our truck. All in all, it was a wonderful adventure...I am just REALLY glad it was Pace that had the water landing and not me...I am afraid of how I may have reacted.

After the parasailing adventure, Pace and I went back to the resort, packed up our beach stuff, sandwiches and a cooler and headed to the private little island that is connected to the resort by a boat dock. (You can see it in the picture above...it's awesome!) We found a wonderfully cozy spot in between two palm trees, put our chairs in the water and had lunch. Then spent a couple of hours in the water enjoying the cool boats and even cooler water.

When we had enough of the sun, we went back into the resort where they have the indoor swimming pools and a water slide. Now...I haven't been on a water slide since my 9th birthday...you do the math. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! I felt like I was 9 again and ended up going down the slide 4 times giggling a little more each time. The rest of the evening we just hung out at the resort dancing, mingling and did a little gambling then headed home Sunday morning.


Ahhhh it was so wonderful to have a weekend to ourselves, full of fun, relaxation, and feeling like a kid again.

I gotta say...turning 30 freaking ROCKED!!!!!