Before I share my thoughts on shopping, I wanted to update on the Walk of Hope from Sunday. Unfortunately we did not win the IVF. In fact we didn't win anything. I was/am very dissppointed and frustrated. I knew that "free" was the only way we were probably ever going to do IVF, so I really had my hopes up - stupid me!
There were a lot of kids at the Walk. I knew that there would be people there that were "resolved" (they already have their kids) but I really had no idea how many kids would really be there. It was tough and awkward and just plain difficult. I did get some good information on adoption there as well as some "naturopathic" treatments that seem interesting.
Ever since Sunday I have been in a total funk. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I caught a cold, or horrible allergies, or laryngitis, or something like that. But the main part of it is I just feel stuck. I am currently on CD58 - yep you read that right 5.8. I am just so damn frustrated. My cycles were "average" for the last year up until my surgery in January and now they are all screwed up again. I feel like I am right back to square one and I could just f'ing scream! I have 2 dr. appt.s next week so we can try to figure out what is going on, but I am not getting my hopes up for any answers. It seems no one has the answer, no one knows what to do for me, and the treatments that may work...we absolutely can not afford.
I digress...back to the title of my blog. This was a total revelation for me last night.
I was sitting on the couch and Pace was next to me on the laptop doing some online (window shopping) It hit me how different we really are. When I am on the computer, I am shopping the following:
Pregnancy tests
Ovulation tests
Infertility books
Infertility blogs
Infertility chat rooms
Infertility doctors
Accupuncturists
Infertility support groups
Infertility success stories
Miscarriage information
PCOS information
Endometriosis information
Clo.mid research
Adoption agencies
Adoption success stories
and the list goes on and on and on...
However, when Pace shops...he shops
Wheels for the trucks
Qua.ds
Dirt Bikes
Headlights for the trucks
Winches (not of the lady type, but of the pull Jee.ps out of the mud with his Toy.ota type)
House projects
Toy Haul.ers
RV's
Swimming pool accessories
Big Scre.en TV's
Do you see what is happening here? Do you see the difference? I know that MOST husbands shop and dream of this stuff, but sometiems I wish he would just goo.gle Infertility or just do some research on his own. I have felt very distant from him lately and I think most of it is me, my feelings are hurt, my feelings are tired and my feelings are just so sick of feeling.
I started reading a book last night that was written by a fellow blogger and was given to me by makingmemom (THANK YOU - I LOVE IT!) In this book she gives pointers to "friends of infertiles" one of her pieces of advice is to "do research on your friends diagnosis (or lack thereof) educate yourself on their disease so when they need to talk to you, you have a basic understanding of what they are saying." When I first read it, I thought, "wow, I wouldn't expect my friends to educate themselves on infertility, I think that is kind of an arrogant thing to say" however, this morning it struck me. When my friend was diagnosed with a neurological disease the first thing I did was jump on Web.MD and do research to educate myself. When my neice was born with downs syndrome, I did research, when my nephew had knee surgery, I did research, when my friend went in to have the lap band procedure done, I did research. I did the research because I love these people and I want to know what they are going through - why wouldn't I expect people to do the same for me?
Which brings me back to Pace. I know that I have diarrahea of the mouth when it comes to IF, and he knows a lot about it because I talk about it so damn much, but it would absolutely mean the world to me if one day he came home and said "Honey, I was doing some research and found this dr/treatment/prayer/adoption agency that I think we should look into."
Just once... I don't expect him to jump on the IF bandwagon because honestly, I have set up permanent residency and there just isn't room for both of us.
Not only do I want this from my husband, but I want this from my close friends and family as well. I don't want them to be scared to talk to me, to ask me questions, or even offer suggestions (real suggestions not like - have more faith or relax or crap like that) but real suggestions like, hey I came across this Dr.'s information and they specialize in IF - just thought you may be interested or something like that.
I know that right now being my husband and being my friend isn't easy. I am not that pleasant to be around, I am not that affectionate, I am not that happy, I am very sensitive, and overall just kind of a crap person right now, but I know this will pass and I will break through and get back to the happier Nichole. I just need friends and family to hold out until then.
6 comments:
Just posted abt my bday, yes I got your text. Thank you hun. so much, it was such a busy morning with the movers here and unpacking boxes and putting stuff away, then dinner and we didn't get back till late.
The interview went well, very different...it was for childcare so I had to sing them a song and read a book. lol but I have to wait it will take them up to 3 weeks to make their selection, Jared says thats what happens when you work through the goverment. The process takes longer :( boo whoo. but i will let you know if I hear anything back from them. Hey did you get our card???
Girly, you know I am always here when ever you need to talk, no matter the miles that are between us right now. I am going to do some more research on IF, i have before but never gone so much in to it, but I feel as your friend I need to under stand more of what you are going through and how you are feeling, I know when I read your blogs my heart just breaks for you and pace and wish that this horrible journey you are on would just end.
1- suggestion....maybe try sitting down one day and writing pace a letter telling him how much you love him and how much you care about him and need him and then in there include how you need him to be more on your level of understanding what different options and different treatments and what not.
Men, I tell you they are on a totaly different planet some times. lol
I love you girl so much
I found your blog through Fashionably IF's blog and just wanted to comment that I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY YOU DO! I have nothing much more to say, other than the fact that I am right there with you. Even with the Web searching. My DH looks for guitar equipment and Wii games. Seriously. Not once has he ever done IF research - and I do it EVERY DAY. And I do everything else too - nevermind the probing, I also make all the phone calls! What does he do other than collect his sperm and hand it in? I don't even want to talk about friends and family. Most of them suck. I'm sorry you - WE - are going through this. Life can be so diffcult.
FYI - My blog is http://meexplained.blogspot.com/ - but I'm not so good about updating it..
I bet it was a little weird to see all those kids, but hopefully that was a good thing in a way.
Me and my husband have a similar disconnect when we get online and in person. With us, it came to a breaking point a few months ago and I think he is realizing what kind of toll this all takes on me better. Things are better, but he still doesn't look up infertility stuff on the internet. But I also think he leaves it to me cause he knows that I would do it anyhow and I would want to read it all for myself.
58 days is really getting up there. It's probably time to call it and induce a new flow and hope for a normal cycle next time.
When I read about your situation - the really late ovulation or lack thereof and also the lack of funds for procedures, my heart just breaks for you! You mentioned you would like friends to do research, so I have some suggestions on ways to get procedures for smaller costs. You may have already thought about looking to particpate in a clinical trial (search at clinicaltrials.gov). Or writing a letter to your or hubby's HR office asking for coverage, Resolve has a template letter. Also some organizations give away free IVF to deserving people although you have already experienced this is a long shot. INCIID has an IVF scholarship program.
Also, your situation with hubby is very similar to me and probably many others. In my opinion it is just men and I've realized they won't change. I go to a women's only Resolve support group now and talk with a coworker that has infertility. Maybe knowing someone IRL that has infertility that you can talk to like a member from your Resolve group....
In the meantime, keep blogging your feelings and we will be here for you!
First of all, I am glad you got the book and love it!! :)
And I had to laugh at the contrasting online interests between you and your husband. SO TRUE and too funny. Sometimes I feel like it's an extra struggle in the midst of IF to feel "alone" and like I'm not going through it with my husband. But overall I am thankful he is not as obsessed as me, or else we'd be quite an unproductive, basket-case of a couple. And I think God just designed men differently. It is tough ((hugs))
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