Well, I kind of feel like I am back in the saddle again. At least partly. I made an appointment with a hormone specialist. I am not sure if any of you have heard of Sot.to Pel.le, but that is where I am going to go. Since my issues are hormonal, I have decided to do what I can do to get them regulated. Who knows...maybe then I would actually be able to conceive! (or at least lose weight)

Sot.to Pel.le uses bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. They are all natural and are the identical to the actual hormones the body produces (or in my case doesn't produce). I am excited to at least have something to look forward to. I don't feel like I am just wasting time anymore which is a good feeling.

My greatest fear happened this week (well, kind of) I am the youngest of six. All of my brothers and sisters have already had all the children they plan on having. All of them have two children, except for my oldest brother who has three. My sister K, the one that is just older than me has two kids currently, but I always had a sneaky suspicion that she was going to have more.

She had her first daughter before I was even married, so that wasn't a big deal. She got pregnant with her second 3 months after my wedding (Pace and I had been trying for 3 months) I handled it ok - after all, I pretty much knew it was going to take us longer than 3 months to get pg, so it was no big deal. But now this baby has been born, is over a year old and my sister told me on Monday that they are going to try again next year. (Of course she then followed up by saying, well that is when we PLAN on it, but since the first 2 were UNPLANNED, we will just see what happens) *Insert gagging noise here*

I love my sister dearly. She and I have been through so much together and I wish for nothing but the best for her. However, I am absolutely certain that I will be DEVASTATED if she gets pregnant AGAIN while Pace and I are still trying for #1. This is the same sister that offered her eggs to me should we need them - an innocent and very sweet offer, but also kind of a slap in the face. My anxiety surrounding this conversation is growing every day. It makes me feel like I need to do something NOW! I need to start trying again NOW and do everything I can to get pregnant before her. That way I won't have to feel the hurt and jealousy when she makes her pregnancy announcement.

However...I can't do anything. We have decided to wait until next year. I have to wait at LEAST seven more months. I am starting to have dreams of her pregnancy announcement and the initial hate and anger I will feel. I don't WANT to feel this way for my sister, I want to be happy. I WANT to want to throw her a shower I want to be there for her.

Honestly...I am sure she is a little hesitant to get pregnant before me. I am sure she knows how hard it would be for me.

Pace has been working out of state quite a bit lately. I have taken this opportunity to gorge myself on Pizza Rolls every night for dinner. Very healthy - I know. I am all for the "time apart makes the time together more special" theory, however... I MISS MY HUSBAND! I have absolutely no idea how you military wives handle it - you are SO STRONG and my hat is off to you! My sister, R's husband is the special teams coach for a professional football team, and she is a widow 10 months out of the year - I have no idea how she does it, she must have some wonderful friends or something. I just hate being alone. It makes me think too much. My husband makes me laugh, and makes me feel good, and safe. I miss that. Although I am appreciating the undivided attention from my pooches! Haha