5 Years ago today

I married my best friend. The love of my life.

Pace and I have been through some tough shit in the last 5 years. I won't go into great detail here, but we have really been through a lot. In fact I think we have been through more in our first 5 years of marriage than most have been.

We have survived.

In fact we have more than survived, we have thrived. We are closer today than we have ever been. I love my husband deeply, passionately and unconditionally. He accepts me for who I am faults and all. He loves me even though I leave my shoes all over the living room, he loves me even though I am not the tidiest person in the world, he loves me even though I can sometimes be moody and annoyed, he loves me when I am hyper, he loves me when I am depressed.

I have told Pace before, but back when I was in college and was in a really shitty relationship, I thought long and hard about the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Pace fits that description to a "t". He is everything I have wanted and looked for in a man and then some. Of course our marriage isn't perfect. We have both made mistakes, we have both hurt one another, but we have forgiven one anohter, we love each other more every day, we genuinely care for each other and want to see each other thrive.

I love you Pace. I adore you. I thank God for you everyday. I can't imagine going through and getting through everything we have been through with anyone else.

Happy Anniversary Bestie!

I have no words

I have no words

Correct that...

I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.

I just can't put them together to make any sense.

So that is all the blog I have.

Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.

2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

A very low post

My blogger friends, I need to be lifted up today. I am struggling, I am stressed and I am hurting.

This time, only a small amount of that is related to IF. To break it all down in a very short but sweet way, I am losing my job. The company that I work for is going out of business. There is an 85% chance my company will not survive the next 3 months. I have worked for this company for 9 years. These people are my family, they are my friends. This job has meant financial security for us while Pace is building his career and that is all being stripped away from us.

Right when we were ready to jump back in the treatment or adoption wagon. So that is now put on hold which devastates me. I have always been a firm believer that you can't put stuff off because you never know what the future will bring. So now after an over 6 month break of TTC, we are ready to start trying again and now we have no money or financial security to do it.

I am sad, but really just kind of numb. I thought that winning the home study was a sign of what 2010 was going to bring. Now, I am not so sure. I am trying to not be all doom and gloom, I am looking for work, I am sending out my resume in hopes of finding something as good if not better. However, I am a realist and I know what the job market is here.

On top of all of that my mother in law has fallen on some very hard times right now and Pace is the only relation she has near her, so we are preparing ourselves for having to take some financial responsibility over her and her 4 year old daughter. (like them possibly having to move in with us) They have lived with us before and all I can say is it was very difficult.

All of these things have been very tough on our marriage, finances, TTC, family issues I just feel incredibly down right now. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good friend, daughter, wife and sister, so I don't understand why God continues to test me. Over and over and over again I feel like a crash test dummy that continues to be put in the car and slammed into a brick wall.

I just need a break. I want to run home to my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything is going to be ok. I want to stay with them for a while and just feel the comfort and security of being home.

Not in Kansas anymore (cont.)

Ok...so where did I leave off.

Pace and I headed home fairly early Friday night. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and silly, so it was time to go. :-)

We woke up Saturday morning to the most beautiful fog. You could hardly see anything. It was AWESOME! We enjoyed a nice breakfast with my parents and began to plan our day. Do you remember the Chicken Enchilada Delight I was jonesing for before I left? I GOT IT!!!

It was AWESOME! Even better than I remember because I was able to share it with Pace and my parents. After we had lunch, we went back to the farm and my dad had to go get the "Bad Boy" out of the garage. My parents have A LOT of grass to mow, so my dad recently got this awesome 72 inch blade riding lawn mower. He was just like a little boy at Christmas time! Pace of course had been eyeing the weed eater in the garage since we had arrived, so he took my dad mowing as an opportunity to get in and get dirty on the farm.

I went out and worked a little in my mom's flower beds picking weeds and trimming the bushes getting them ready for the winter. It was so nice. That is until Pace's allergies kicked in. LOL We all got dirty and spent some time enjoying the beautiful weather and each other's company. After the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled (or cut down with the weed eater), and the wasp nests were destroyed (my mom is horribly allergic) we hit the showers to prepare for the dinner and dance for the reunion.

We got there just in time for dinner and I was very dissappointed to see that not many had changed since High School. The clicks were all the same and very few had changed or matured since we graduated. I hung out and caught up with those that I wanted and then after one adorable dance

We headed off to our friend James' house for a drink and some nice conversation.

Sunday morning my parents were kind enough to let us sluff church so we could catch up on some much needed ZZZZZZ's. After traveling for a day and staying up until 2 am two nights in a row...we were really in need of some good sleep. Mom and dad took us to breakfast and then back to the farm we went.

Pace couldn't wait to get out in the pasture and help my brother chop down some big, beautiful, but bothersome trees. So off they went on the bobcat with a chainsaw in hand. While they boys played with their toys I helped my mom make her famous fried chicken, mashed potatoes and chicken gravy. One of my all time favorite meals that my mom makes. Nobody makes chicken gravy like she does!

It was very bittersweet as our trip was coming to an end. I knew I wasn't ready to go home. After all of the pressure and stress I had been dealing with in AZ, it was so comforting to have my mom hold me, hug me and just love on me. I miss them so much. They aren't getting any younger and having to leave them was so difficult.

Here we are back in AZ, back in the heat, back to work and muddling our way through this short week and looking forward to the weekend. My nephew just started playing football, so we are headed off to see his game tomorrow night. I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON! Woo Hoo!

Not in Kansas anymore

I had such a wonderful time in KS. I was NOT ready to come home. I wanted to blog while at my parent's house because I didn't want to miss anything, but I just couldn't find the time so I will do my best to relive the trip for you!

We headed to the airport Thursday morning with VERY little time to spare. I like to have plenty of time when I get to the airport because you never know how long everything is going to take. Well, we were arriving at the airport with about an hour until our plane left. We still had to park the car, take the shuttle to the airport, check our bags, go through security and get to our gate. Needless to say, I was a little STRESSED! However, we got on the plane in just enough time and off we went.

We arrived in beautiful Denver a few hours later and got our rental car. Pace surprised me by renting the new Cam.aro. He said I needed to arrive to my reunion in style. LOL We started to drive to my parents and I felt instantly relaxed. The beautiful sunflower fields, the clouds and the rain. I felt like I was home. The drive went smoothly. We saw some crazy big birds, I have no idea what they were and a beautiful deer on the side of the road. We drove through some rain and I just couldn't wait to get home.

We arrived in the evening and were greeted in the driveway by the family dog, Bo. He is a beautiful golden retriever that has really helped my parents deal with "empty nest" syndrome. Seeing my mom and dad come out of the house to greet us was awesome! I miss them so much. We spent the evening visiting and made some plans to do some touring on Friday.

When we went up to bed, the windows were open and a wonderful cool breeze was blowing through the bedroom. I feel asleep to the cool night air and the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees. I was home.

Friday morning we loaded up in the car and headed out. We drove by some new land that my parents bought, a new wind farm that is going up by my parents house, and to Greensburg KS. If you don't know about Greensburg, it is a small town in KS that was almost completely wiped out by a huge tornado two years ago. They are rebuilding it now and are building it back "green". There is a show on Green TV all about rebuilding the town. My parents also drove us out to the new lake that they are building and also the new casino. This little town really is growing up! LOL

Friday evening was the first evening of planned activities for the reunion. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. We got to the bar and started mingling. The first hour was kind of rough, especially on Pace. He obviously didn't know anyone and I felt pretty bad. So, he called our friend James (James and I went to high school together, he lived in AZ for a little while where he met Pace and we all became very good friends) "Hi James"! (he reads my blogs too) :-)

For the rest of the night I think Pace and James were the life of the party. Everyone thought they were so funny and for the majority of the evening, I forgot about how awkward it was to be around all of these people from high school. As far as my classmates go, very few of them have changed. The clicks were all the same, it really felt like I was still in high school. Overall I am glad I went, but I enjoyed my time with my parents much more than the reunion itself.

This is getting way long, so I will write more about the weekend later!

My husband is the BOMB DIGGITY!

So, yesterday was my birthday. I knew Pace was taking me to my favorite sushi place for dinner, but I thought that was all we had planned. BOY WAS I WRONG - here goes my story from last night.

4:30 I get home to an empty house, call Pace he says he is on his way home and would be there shortly

4:45 Pace gets home, I change quickly into something comfy so I can gorge myself on sushi. I go to walk out to the truck to find this outside my house

OK - don't get too excited, it was rented, not purchased, but I don't care it is a freakin awesome car! I cry, I scream, I jump up and down like an idiot, I have never been in a corvette, especially not a hot red one like this!

5:00 we start heading towards dinner, we take the long way so we can spend as much time in the car as possible

6:00 Finish up dinner. It was AWESOME! I crave my favorite sushi from this place, so now that craving has been satisfied...for now. Pace tells me we have to go to Fed.Ex to pick something up and then we have an appointment at 7:30.

6:10 Heading towad Fed.Ex, he won't tell me what the appointment is, so I just sit back and enjoy the sick ride in the sick car!

6:30 Got Fed.Ex package, Pace tells me to open it. It is two tickets to last nights showing of the Broadway musical "Wick.ed"!!! Oh my gosh, the tears again, I was so excited. I couldn't wait!

7:30 Show starts and I cry. I cry because I am so over the moon happy. My husband really went out of his way to make this birthday special and I love him so much for that.

11:00 Hit the bar for a quick nightcap (I know it was a Wed. night and I am usually well into a deep REM by this time at night, but come on! I have a freakin Corv.ette to drive around - there is no time to sleep!)

I felt like a princess the entire night and I didn't think about infertility or adoption once. (Ok - that's not entirely true, I did catch myself thinking "man if we had kids we would never be able to have a cute little two seater sports care like this - I think I could get used to this.") I had an entire night of doing things that pregnant women can't do - shouldn't do at least (sorry for those of you that are pregnant) and for the first time in a long time instead of being pouty and sulky about it.

I ENJOYED EVERY FREAKING MOMENT OF IT!

Thank you husband for the best birthday I could have ever imagined and thank you God for bringing such a special man into my life. - you rock too!

It is what it is...

My husband says that all the time and honestly sometimes it really irritates the crap out of me. It seems like a scapegoat, a cop-out, but this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was struck with an entirely different perspective.

Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.

I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.

It is what it is.

And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.

I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.

I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!

Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.

God Bless!

The world is a spinnin...

Wow - I feel like I am stuck in a whirl wind right now. So many things are happening, so many new things, new ideas and new people in our life!

Pace and I attended our first adoption support group meeting on Monday and instantly fell in love. It was such an uplifting group. We walked out of there with more excitement and hope than we have had in almost a year. We are ready to move forward - genetic similarities no longer matter. We just want to be parents.

We are attending two orientation meetings with local agencies next week. I will call one "CC" and the other "CFC". I spoke to a woman from CFC last week briefly on the phone and told her I would be in contact with her after we attended the orientation. Her name sounded really familiar, but I just brushed it off. Her name came up in the adoption support group meeting as well and again I was struck with how familiar her name sounded. Yesterday it dawned on me. I logged onto my Face.book acct. and there she was. A girl that my sister went to high school with that lives in the Phx valley now. We have been friends on Face.book for a while, but I had no idea she worked at CFC because I know her by her maiden name...not her married name. I immediately shot her an email and we both laughed at how small the world really is. We both grew up in KS, so the fact that we are both here, that we are looking to adopt and she works for one of the adoption agencies we are considering...VERY small world. Not only does she work for CFC...she is the supervisor of the adoption department! Ha!!!

I had a very dear online friend (and fellow blogger) email me yesterday and offered up an option to me that I had never considered. Embryo Adoption. I just assumed that EA would be WAY more expensive than IVF or traditional adoption which meant that it was out of the question for us. However after doing some research, it appears that isn't the case. I talked to Pace about it last night and we are both on the fence. Although I would love the opportunity to be pregnant, I am terrified of it not working or miscarrying again. We just want to be parents. So...we are going to talk to our RE about it tomorrow when I go see him. I just want to know his opinion on how he feels my body will react to a pregnancy. I think I know what he is going to say, but I am going to wait and see.

It really seems that now that we have let go of the "genetic relation" part of starting our family, the options are really endless. This has put a whole new wind in our sails and new hope in our heart.

For right now we are going to continue to do our research and start the home study process. We are meeting with the pastor that married Pace and I on Thursday as he and his wife are infertile and adopted two little girls a little over a year ago. They are going to share their story and just be an additional support system for us as we transition into this new path to parenthood.

Thankfully my family seems to be very excited and "on board" with the whole adoption thing. Even the EA. I was a little concerned since the majority of my family is Cath.olic, but they were very excited and amazed that EA was even an option medically. My mom immediately started doing research on EA, she found a video on it and is sending it to me. I know that my family just wants us to be parents, but I know my mom really wants me to be able to experience pregnancy too. So we will see which path the Lord walks us down.

Just wanted to keep you all updated!

Update and prayer request

Hello all, I need to start out with a prayer request. My nephew's step-brother was accidentally shot and killed this weekend. I don't have a whole lot of details yet, but he was 12 years old and the entire family is in shock right now. I know my nephews are trying to be strong, but this is tearing them a part. Their little brother is no gone. Please pray for them to grieve, and when they are ready find peace and know that their brother is in a much better place now.

As for me - Pace and I went to the beach for Memorial Day. It was a wonderful trip. Just he and I. We didn't visit any friends, we didn't' call anyone, we just went out there and really enjoyed each others company. We had a fantastic time and I came back so relaxed and refreshed. I am still waiting to "o" I go in on Friday for a Prog.esterone check and internal u/s to see what we are working with. Hopefully it is good news!

Please pray for my nephews and their family. My heart is just breaking for them!

Thank you all!

I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)

I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL

It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)

We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.

Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.

I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.

The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.

We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.

So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.

I am laying it out there...

First of all, I wanted to update you all and tell you that I had "the" talk about my sister trip with my mom the other night. It was AMAZING and for the first time, I really opened up to her about the emotional side of all of this crap. She was so much more understanding and compassionate than I ever could have asked for. It was such a great conversation and I realized how much I have allowed myself to suffer in silence, when I should have been calling my mom and crying on her shoulder begging for words of encouragement.

Then...I had the first conversation with one of my sisters about the infamous "sister trip" I told her I wouldn't be making it for the sister trip this year. I told her we would be knee deep in fertility treatments and I really needed to focus on that. I also told her that it would be very difficult for me to be around her new baby as well as my other sisters new baby (5 weeks and 10 weeks old respectively). I told her that I was still just too raw. There was a pause on the other end and then she said "I totally understand, I am so sorry, I didn't even think about that."
Enter sigh of relief here
I need to talk to my other two sisters, but for now, I think they won't be bothering me about the sister trip anymore.

There has been something that has been plaguing my mind the last week or two and I am just going to lay it out there and hope that everyone that reads it understands and doesn't take this the wrong way:

Is it just me or are a much higher rate of my fellow infertile bloggers getting pregnant?

It seems like every day there is a new pregnancy announcement on my blog roll which is WONDERFUL! That is absolutely amazing - and Bec - I hope to see yours tomorrow.

I just want a piece of that pie too - whatever all my blogsters are doing out there it seems to be working. Pass some of it over here ok? I'm not sure I can stomach another holiday season without a baby in my belly.

Two Faced

So after my last post I decided that it is due time that I stop being 2 different people. My blogger friends know me. They know the raw, angry, bitter, jealous me. They know my deep hurts, they know my struggles, they know it all. For better or worse - you all know me better than probably anyone in real life.

I decided that it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband, it isn't fair to my IRL friends and it certainly isn't fair to myself. The fact is, I need people IRL to love me, accept me for who I am and support me through my dark moments and through the good ones too. They need to see the paint that infertility has caused, they need to see how this has changed me from the person I once was to the person I am today.

Being 2 different people certainly isn't fair to my IRL friends, it makes it harder for them to know what I need. It makes it harder for them because they don't really know me. They don't know how it makes me cringe when they talk about their pregnant friends, they don't know how much it hurts me to hear how their morning sickness is kicking their ass, they don't know that saying "maybe you should relax, what about donor egg, have you thought about using a surrogate?" absolutely makes me want to wretch - after I punch a wall. They don't know this because I have never told them. I always just stuff my feelings down, smile and nod, put on a good show and wait until later when I am by myself to fall apart. Or I wait till I can get to my computer so I can pour my heart out to you all.

It most definitely isn't fair to Pace. In the beginning, I was very candid about my feelings. He knew that having a baby consumed my thoughts 24/7 - I had no problem telling him that. He knew that all of my Internet time was spent researching and educating myself. I cried to him, I screamed, I punched things and he supported me. Then time marched on.

After my miscarriage last August, Pace saw me at my worst. He saw the raw me, crumpled up, broken, unable to eat, unwilling to get out of bed, angry, pitiful, desolate, cold, lost me. I didn't have the energy to put on a show, I couldn't pretend I was ok for anyone else. I just was.

Since then I have become more censored. After four years of this shit, I know Pace is tired of seeing me cry, he is tired of seeing me hurt, he is tired of the anger, jealousy and fear. I know he loves me dearly and he is just such a wonderful man, but he knows that we need a life outside of IF too. So I try to put on a happy face. He deserves to have the woman he married back. The fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with. I just can't be that person right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.

However, in the meantime - he deserves to at least have his wife. I have become so secluded from him, from everyone. It is my defense mechanism, it is my survival technique - it is crap. It is lonely, it is depressing and it is doing absolutely no good.

So I'm going to try my damnedest to just be honest, be true to who I am and be candid. I didn't realize how bad I was until my dear friend pointed out to me today that she wants to be here for me, but I push her away. She doesn't know how to be my friend because I don't allow her (or anyone) to see the real me. How dreadfully unfair.

So first off, I think I am going to talk to my mom and get her advice on the "sister trip" Honestly, it pisses me off that my sisters haven't thought "hmmmmm it might be hard for Nichole to be around us and our newborn babies, especially since if her baby hadn't died, she would have a newborn too - maybe we should leave the kids elsewhere." It really pisses me off that I have to be the one to say "ummmm no thanks." My mom knows all of us so well, I know she knows that I have been hiding, but then again, she knows that is how I usually deal with things. I just need her advice - I hope she understands, I hope the conversation goes well, I am always nervous talking to my mom about this stuff - I never know what her reaction will be.

Whew....that was a long one

INFERTILITY SUCKS!

Easter Sunday

I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!


Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.


Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.


A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.


Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!


I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!


We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.


You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:


1. Sleep in


2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk


3. Make a nice big breakfast


4. Relax


5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium


6. Pack a picnic lunch


7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)


8. Have our picnic


9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them


10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!


11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.


I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.

Always an aunt - never a mom

I am an aunt again.

My sister gave birth to Trinity Ann this morning. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy.

My heart is broken.

All I could think about last night is that she is in the hospital about to be blessed with the most amazing gift that I SO desperately want! It was also a HUGE reminder that I should be next. One sister had her baby in February, now one in March and I was due in April. On Easter Sunday to be exact.

I can't stop thinking about where I should be right now.
I should be doing the finishing touches on the nursery.
I should be finalizing plans to have my parents out here for a week to help with the new baby.
I should be making arrangements to be off work for a while.
I should be having my own baby showers.
I should be preparing my bag to have ready by the door for "go-time"

But I'm not.

I am here trying anything and everything I can to maintain my composure, to look happy, to sound happy and to live life to the best of my ability.

I am just down today.

I love my sisters dearly, but this is now the 4th niece/nephew since I have been trying for my own child. Both of my sisters have had 2 children each since I have been trying for one. It isn't fair and I am pissed.

I am throwing a pity party today and I am giving myself permission to do so. I know the party won't last long, but I am going to enjoy it while it is here. I am going to be mad and sad and brokenhearted and depressed and sulky and pouty and I am not going to feel bad about it.

Four Years

Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.

We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.

Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.

Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.

*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.

My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!

Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!

Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!

Long update

I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. I'm not sure why I haven't written - just haven't really been motivated I guess. So I have a lot to blog about.
I got my tattoo and I love it! I am so glad I finally did it! The pictures are a little rough because of the flash, but here is a basic idea.
Here is one literally seconds after he finished:

And here is one Pace took today - it is all healed up. Keep in mind I did adjust the color to try and get the shine to go away but it is kind of blurry and there is quite a bit of shine still.

The pictures really don't do it justice, I will try to get a better picture soon.

Last weekend Pace and I took his little sister (she's 3) to a cabin up North with our friends and their 2 year old son. It was awesome! We played in the snow, we went sledding, we played pool, we played Mad Gab and just had an awesome time. The weather was beautiful and I can't wait to go back again!

On the "Still TTC Front"

Last Thursday the cramps started. I tested Friday morning at 14DPO *negative*. I was ok, after all that just meant that I could have some drinks on our weekend away and I didn't really have a lot of hope anyway since I ovulated so late. The cramps were fairly intense over the entire weekend, but AF never showed. This is really weird for me because usually literally minutes after the cramps start, AF shows her ugly face. Not this time though. I wasn't going to complain though - that was one less thing I had to worry about over the weekend.

*TMI ahead warning READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

Sunday night Pace and I did a little BDing *wink wink* that is when I fell apart. Immediately after I got the WORSE cramps! The kind of cramps that make you HATE being a woman. The kind of cramps that no woman, no matter how spiteful she may be would EVER wish upon her worse enemy! They hit me like a freight train. They were so bad I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying hysterically. Poor Pace he felt totally helpless. The cramps got so intense I actually started throwing up.

I have had cramps like this before, not in a long time, but I had them before but I was so mad this time cause I thought that the surgery would make my periods better...not worse. The vomiting eventually turned into dry heaving and after about 20 minutes the cramps subsided. I went to bed, got up and went to work yesterday - nothing. No AF.

All that cramping for nothing. This was really starting to freak me out. I had some typical cramping last night, but nothing major, went to bed, got up and went to work this morning - again...nothing.

Then after being at work for an hour. The horrible-God-please-take-me-now cramps returned. I ended up balled up on the bathroom floor dry heaving at WORK! There she was in all of her Glory - AF. Finally you stupid wench, what did I do to piss you off SO much that you would put me through all of this?

I toughed it out for about another hour until I just couldn't take it any longer. The pain was so bad I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I told my boss I needed to go home and bawled all the way home. Those cramps stuck with me for about 3 and a half hours and have been off and on all day since then.

I hear you asking - Nichole why didn't you take anything? I did...I have taken Mi.dol, Al.eve, Ty.lenol you name it, I have taken it and have taken more than the recommended amount.

So here I sit...CD1. This Thursday marks 4 years. Four years of being married to the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for and 4 years of trying to start our family. Very bitter sweet.

So that is the update in a nutshell on me. I thought you all would think this is cute: Pace's little sister saw my tattoo while we were camping this weekend and she said "I like your stamp" I said "Thank you - do you know who it is?" She replied, "Yep...it's baby Jesus...he's sleeping"

Priceless!

Sleep makes things better

Many of you have asked how I am holding up. I am doing much better today. Pace and I resolved our differences, I got some sleep last night and am in much better spirits.

Honestly, I felt like crap yesterday. I felt like the worst person and worst sister ever. Here my sister was celebrating the birth of her new baby and I was sad. I was happy for her, but very sad for me. This is her second child during the time that we have been trying for one and I was sad yesterday. That made me feel even worse.

What kind of a sister is sad about her sister's new baby? What kind of person have I become? What kind of sister have I become? So that just sent me even lower. This morning however, I woke up feeling different. I felt like I had a little bit of clarification. I was sad yesterday because I was grieving. I was realizing that I should be getting ready to give birth in 2 months. I should be big and fat and pregnant and preparing my own birth plan. But I'm not. I wasn't sad that my sister had a baby, I was sad that mine was no longer here.

Truth be told, I am estatic for both of my sisters. They are both wonderful mothers and the world definately needs more good mothers out there. They are both able to stay home with their kids, they are both financially stable, and VERY deserving.

I threw my pity party last night, and now I am over it. Instead I am diving into other things. I am trying not to think about being in the 2WW. I am keeping myself busy at work, reading a lot of books, spending lots of time with friends and just trying to get through the next 2 weeks without freaking out and without looking into any symptoms.

I saw pics of my new little nephew and he is adorable! He looks exactly like his brothers and sisters.

Also - I have oficially decided that I can't watch P.riva.te Pr.actice anymore. Everyone sleeping with each other, horribly parenting, badly depicted fertility treatments, it is all just too much. I still love Gr.ey's An.atomy and will continue watching that.

Whew...what a week!

It really has been a crazy week! My best friend's grandpa passed away the morning of the Super Bowl. They were hosting the Super Bowl party, so Pace and I went over to their house to clean up and get things set up while they were with their family. I really enjoy spending time with them and their families. We are like members of their family and I feel so welcome over there.

I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.

My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!

I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!

I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:

To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!

On to Bigger and Better Things

Sorry all for the last outburst. I needed to cut some ties, and unfortunately it had to be here, but it is done, the chapter is closed and I can move on to bigger and better things.

I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.

My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!

I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:

She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"

Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)

She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"

Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."

She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"

Me: "I love you too! Bye"

Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"

I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.

I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL