2 Months later...

My dear blogger friends. It has been exactly 2 months since we found out we were pregnant with our most recent angel baby. For some reason, looking back on where I was 2 months ago led me to want to share this blog that I had started, but then never posted (because of the miscarriage) I wanted to share everything with all of you, but I was so terrified to get my hopes up at the time (for good reason apparently)...so...here is the blog that I started:

I am not even sure where to begin this post. Just to let you know, I started this post on February 11th, 2010 knowing that I had no idea how long it would be before I posted it. The thoughts and emotions are so fresh right now that I had to start writing it and I trusted that God would show me when the time was right to publish it. It is going to be very long, but I am going to journal it by days. Please feel free to quit reading whenever you need to.

My dear friends Pace and I discovered on February 6th, 2010 that we are pregnant. After 5 years of infertility, after IUI's, after Clo.mid cycles, surgeries, a miscarriage and deciding to pursue adoption, we conceived...naturally.

When we first found out of course we were ecstatic, however at the same time there was so much anger, confusion and fear. I was angry because I had let this part go. I had let go of the pregnancy desire and focused my mind on adoption, it was all planned out. I am confused because I don't understand why after so long, so many trials and tribulations, why now? (I will tell you what I think the answer to that question is in a moment) I am terrified because I don't know if I can survive another miscarriage. I am scared to tell people, but at the same time I want to shout it from the rooftops.

We saw an OB on Tuesday the 9th. According to her everything looks good. Our first u/s is scheduled for 2/16 we can determine at that time exactly how far along I am. Since I haven't had a period since October, it is obviously impossible to know how far along I am. The OB did a pelvic exam and based on that she thinks that I am somewhere between 6-8 weeks along.

I wanted to tell you all immediately. However, I had to be sure that this pregnancy was at least viable before I said anything. Obviously as I write this, I know the pregnancy is viable, however I don't want to make any official announcements until we at least have our first u/s.

Here is how I came to take a pg test: Somewhere around the 14th of January I started noticing tenderness in my breasts. I thought that I was just getting ready to start my period and dismissed it. The tenderness got worse and continued. Then the last week of January I started cramping...so I again thought "Ahh...AF is coming" Of course pregnancy was in the back of my mind, but I kept it there. I thought my mind was just playing tricks on me and that I was maybe going a little crazy. Finally on February 6th, after AF had not shown her face and my breasts were still sore, I decided to test. When I saw the two lines I actually had to go get the directions out of the pg test box because I just didn't believe that it was positive!

I have definitely started having morning sickness, in fact I have been sick all week although I have only thrown up once. I have had no spotting to date, although I do have some intermittent cramping which I am assuming is my uterus stretching. I have only 3 pairs of pants that I can wear right now. I sit at a desk all day and it is very uncomfortable to sit in tight pants!

That is it...it wasn't long after that I miscarried and once again lost myself. I changed, never to be the same. I am not necessarily worse...just changed.

1+1 doesn't always = 2

Last night was our final home study meeting. It was surprisingly painless. I was expecting the individual interviews to be much more in depth and lengthy, but it was quite superficial and short. Honestly, I am ok with that.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. The last month has taken a toll on my body (which is proven by the swollen glands in my neck that I have been battling for the last month and the daily headaches for the last week and a half).

I know I haven't really updated since our most recent miscarriage, mostly because I am not really sure what to say. I am sure I am going to get blasted by writing this post, but I am going to be honest and those who read can agree or disagree.

My old RE left the practice we were going to and opened up his own. When I started spotting when I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do other than call the office of my old RE because I have their number in my cell phone. The Dr. that called me back (I will call him Dr. Awesome) was my old RE's business partner. After I miscarried Dr. Awesome called me and said he wanted to have a follow up appt. with me.

I went to the appt. and he put a lot of things on the table that had never been presented to us before by Dr. Money Hungry (previous RE that pushed IVF over and over again). Dr. Awesome thinks that we can conceive on our own with some help from some new medication. Progesterone supplements are a must in order to keep me pregnant, should I get pregnant again. There are some other meds he thinks will help regulate my cycles and enhance my ovulation. He does not think IUI or IVF is a real need for us.

This is great news right? After five years of TTC, endless amounts of failed cycles, 2 surgeries, 2 miscarriages...this should make me want to do a jig in the street! Then why do I feel so crappy about it? The answer is: for many reasons.

1. Before my most recent pregnancy, I was completely ok with not having biological children, with not carrying a pregnancy. However, my most recent pregnancy brought back those desires to some extent and I am feeling conflicted.

2. If these options had been presented to us 3 years ago, could it have saved the lives of my two angels? If I had pushed for more information, more tests, more options...could I have a baby in my arms right now? If I would have followed my gut feelings about Dr. Money Hungry and had a consult with Dr. Awesome years ago...could things have been different for us and our angel babies?

3. Before my most recent pregnancy I was excited about the adoption process. I was putting together a baby registry, I was writing our very own baby book, I no longer felt sadness or bitterness when I received yet another pregnancy announcement. Although I am still excited about the adoption process, I have lost some of the passion. I haven't looked at the baby registry since my miscarriage. I have not touched the baby book I was writing in over a month. I know that passion will return once I have healed from this most recent miscarriage, but it is hard to go through the motions when I am just not feeling it right now. Seeing pregnant women is hard for me again, pregnancy announcements hurt again and birth announcements are even worse. I don't want to be that person again!

4. It has put TTC back on the table which Pace and I weren't really prepared for. As I have previously blogged about, Pace and I were done. At least for the time being. We did not have a desire to TTC, so it was very easy to pursue adoption without looking back. However...now that there are some very easy, inexpensive options in front of us, it has brought those discussions and decisions back to the table. It makes me a little uncomfortable. We are both terrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, we are also terrified of NOT getting pregnant again. Are we ready to get back on that roller coaster?

Obviously we are moving forward with getting certified to adopt. We still have a heart and desire to adopt and that will never change whether or not we have biological children. Pace and I always wanted to adopt, even before infertility, so it just makes sense to finish what we started with the home study process.

However, is there also a place for TTC in this equation? I don't know the answer to that. Before my last pregnancy I knew. Now...I don't.

I have no words

I have no words

Correct that...

I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.

I just can't put them together to make any sense.

So that is all the blog I have.

Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.

2010 YOU SUCK!!!!!!

I have no idea what to title this post. My mind is fuzzy. My heart is broken. I am pissed and confused. So I will write the post and figure out a title later.

A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. Yeah - you read that right. Pregnant. Naturally. An "oops" pregnancy after 5 years of infertility. We were excited, and scared, and overjoyed. We had decided after our last miscarriage that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew for sure that there was a good chance of survival. I have a friend that works for a clinic and she does ultrasounds, so I called her immediately and she had us come in for an ultrasound. We didn't really get a good look at the baby (thank you tilted uterus), but we were able to catch the heartbeat. Since I hadn't had a period in 5 months, we had no idea how far along we were, but she said that since we were able to detect a heartbeat, we were at least 6 weeks along.

Last week went great. I had morning sickness, headaches, sore bb's, weird cravings and food aversions. All of the symptoms of a wonderful, healthy pregnancy. We were getting more and more excited. I scheduled an appt. with my OB/GYN (the one that I despise, but they could get me in very quickly) last Tuesday. They confirmed the pg, did the first set of bloodwork and scheduled an u/s to get our due date for today. I practically had to beg the OB to take my progesterone levels. She said that she really didn't think they mattered because she doesn't believe in progesterone therapy to "salvage" a pregnancy. She said she would take the levels but I would not be able to get the results until today.

I went ahead and purchased progesterone cream and started applying that just for my own peace of mind. Last Saturday morning I woke up with some cramping. We saw my friend who did another u/s and this time we got a wonderful view of the baby (which looked more like an alien) and the strong heartbeat. About 3 hours after the u/s, I was still cramping fairly heavy and I started bleeding a little bit. I freaked out and called our RE. (DON'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS ON DAY ONE...I GUESS I WAS IN SHOCK AND WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS "MIRACLE" WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ON IT'S OWN) Idiot...

Anyway, the RE told me to start taking 200mg of Prom.etrium daily which I started immediately. It was too late. Both the pregnancy test I took this morning and the empty wasteland of a uterus that was shown on the u/s proved that the baby is gone.

When the dr. told me that my progesterone level last week was 6.2 I almost socked her in the face. NO ONE CALLED ME??? DIDN'T THAT ALERT ANYONE THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON? (Just so you know your progesterone level is supposed to be somewhere between 11 and 40 in your first trimester.)

I am devastated yes...Pace is working out of town this week, so I am home alone with my dogs and I am pissed off. I had put the pregnancy thing behind me, I was moving full steam ahead with adoption and I was happy there - why in the hell did this have to happen NOW?

2010 - you SUCK...and that my friends will be the title of this post.

S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.

I am struggling friends. As I have previously mentioned, work is VERY stressful right now. Some days I just wish they would shut the damn doors so I could just move on. I hate this limbo crap of not knowing what the hell my future looks like. I guess after infertility I should be used to this feeling but darn it, I'm not.

My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.

I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.

I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.

I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.

So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.

Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.

Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.

So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)

I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.

A lot can happen in a year (part 2)

A year ago today I was probably happier than I have ever been. We had told pretty much everyone. All of our friends knew, my co-workers knew, some of Pace's co-workers knew. Not that I look back on that I think "How frickin stupid can you be? Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?" Of course...I had no idea what the next couple of days were going to bring.

Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.

It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.

How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.

I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.

Why did we tell so many people?

A lot can happen in a year

So, a year ago this very night, I was the happiest woman on the earth, lying in bed next to my husband with his hand expectantly resting on my belly. We were on top of the world. We saw our very first BFP!

For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.

One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.

After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.

We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.

A lot can happen in a year

Untitled

What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.

My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.

I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.

Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.

At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!

I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.

Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.

Easter Sunday

I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!


Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.


Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.


A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.


Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!


I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!


We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.


You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:


1. Sleep in


2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk


3. Make a nice big breakfast


4. Relax


5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium


6. Pack a picnic lunch


7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)


8. Have our picnic


9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them


10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!


11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.


I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.

Four Years

Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.

We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.

Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.

Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.

*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.

My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!

Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!

Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!

Sleep makes things better

Many of you have asked how I am holding up. I am doing much better today. Pace and I resolved our differences, I got some sleep last night and am in much better spirits.

Honestly, I felt like crap yesterday. I felt like the worst person and worst sister ever. Here my sister was celebrating the birth of her new baby and I was sad. I was happy for her, but very sad for me. This is her second child during the time that we have been trying for one and I was sad yesterday. That made me feel even worse.

What kind of a sister is sad about her sister's new baby? What kind of person have I become? What kind of sister have I become? So that just sent me even lower. This morning however, I woke up feeling different. I felt like I had a little bit of clarification. I was sad yesterday because I was grieving. I was realizing that I should be getting ready to give birth in 2 months. I should be big and fat and pregnant and preparing my own birth plan. But I'm not. I wasn't sad that my sister had a baby, I was sad that mine was no longer here.

Truth be told, I am estatic for both of my sisters. They are both wonderful mothers and the world definately needs more good mothers out there. They are both able to stay home with their kids, they are both financially stable, and VERY deserving.

I threw my pity party last night, and now I am over it. Instead I am diving into other things. I am trying not to think about being in the 2WW. I am keeping myself busy at work, reading a lot of books, spending lots of time with friends and just trying to get through the next 2 weeks without freaking out and without looking into any symptoms.

I saw pics of my new little nephew and he is adorable! He looks exactly like his brothers and sisters.

Also - I have oficially decided that I can't watch P.riva.te Pr.actice anymore. Everyone sleeping with each other, horribly parenting, badly depicted fertility treatments, it is all just too much. I still love Gr.ey's An.atomy and will continue watching that.

Seriously...think before you speak

I just got back from dinner and drinks with some friends and I am so upset. We aren't real close with these people, but we have known them for years and they are one of the few couples we know that don't have kids. The last time we saw them was August 9th, 2008. You ask...how do you remember the exact date?

That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.

About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.

She replies "You guys just need to relax"

I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."

She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."

I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"

At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."

At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).

I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.

People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.

I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.

Survived Christmas

I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.

We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.

We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.


In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.


After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"


Me: "For What?"

Her: "You're pregnant!"

Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"


Her: "Oh...when?"

Me: "In August."

Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"

Me: "A little over 6 weeks."

Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"

Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.

The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.


Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!

I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!

I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.

Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.

Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.

We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.

Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.

Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.

I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.

Amen.

Breakdown #6

The holidays are a comin...

I had an amazing weekend. It was emotionally draining, inspirational, exhausting and stressful, but it was a good weekend.

Friday night I went out to dinner with Pace and my good friend Trisha, we went to a fish house and I had the most amazing crab!

Then Saturday morning the three of us participated in a Remembrance walk for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It was amazing. I cried almost the entire time. We were able to write messages to our babies which were read for everyone to hear. We were able to share our stories, poems and songs and at the end there was a balloon toss. Here is a picture of Pace and I that my friend Trisha took. We are watching the balloons head up to the heavens:

I am definitely going to make this an annual thing for me. It was so wonderful being around people that are in similar situations or feel the same way that I do in real life. This Saturday the Catholic Church that I used to attend is holding a special mass for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Even though I no longer consider myself "Catholic" I think it will be nice to be in a church and have my loss acknowledged. It seems that my church totally revolves around babies, pregnancy and children and sometimes it is just too much to take.

Then Saturday evening Pace and I met up with my friend J and her husband G. They have 3 angels in heaven as well, and did a candle lighting ceremony with us last Wednesday. We have a farm out here in AZ that has fresh produce, a corn maize, petting zoo, and carnival rides right now for a fall festival. HORRIBLE IDEA TO GO!!!! I think 70 percent of the women there were pregnant and EVERYONE had kids. I didn't realize the entire event was geared towards kids...but it was. And we had to pay $12 to get in, so I wasn't just going to leave...I was going to get some enjoyment out of it. We had Pace's little sister with us (she's 3) so that was helpful...kind of. At least we looked like we belonged there because we had here with us.

The holidays suck. I usually love Halloween! It is one of my favorite holidays, not anymore. I told Pace the other night that I am not sure if I will be able to hang out and hand out candy. I just want to be around adults...with no kids. No cute little costumes, no 16 year old girls trick or treating with their babies...I just don't want to do it this year.

I am still waiting on ovulation. I don't know what is going on...I have gotten like 4 or 5 tests with faint second lines, but no "positives" Today is CD22 so I am not sure what to think. I will keep testing for another week. My body definitely does not seem to be as cooperative this cycle. GRrrrrr

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is a monumental day for me. It is my first year of participating in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I have a candle lit on my desk this morning for my little angel and plan on doing a candle lighting ceremony with my friend that has 3 angels in heaven tonight.

Today also marks 2 months since my baby went to heaven. I should be 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now. I should have ultrasound pictures and should be shopping for nursery furniture. Instead, I am snuggling my little stuffed bear at night that we named our little angel baby after.

This week has been totally up and down. I got an email from one of my pregnant sisters with ultrasound pics and a 20 week belly pic. I keep going back and forth. On one hand I think it is incredibly insensitive for her to include me on those emails, on the other hand, it feels nice that I am not being treated differently. Either way...it hurts. I guess I am just hard to please.

My other sister that is pregnant doesn't talk about her pregnancy with me at all. She doesn't bring it up and when I ask how she is feeling, she simply responds with "good." and then changes the subject. I think I prefer that. I know that I am going to have to see both of them and their big pregnant bellies at Christmas, however at least in the meantime I can just stay in the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset.

For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, you will recall that I was a volunteer crisis counselor at a crisis pregnancy center for 3 years and continued volunteering there up until my miscarriage. Well, since then one of my main clients had her baby. She called me on Sunday to let me know that she had a baby girl and that her baby shower was going to be this coming Saturday. She has no job, she is 17 years old, she did not graduate High School, she knew her boyfriend 2 months before she got pregnant and now...she has a beautiful baby girl. While she is celebrating the birth of her new baby on Saturday, I will be doing a remembrance walk for the loss of mine. The baby that I struggled to have for 3 and a half years.

Everything in life just seems so unfair.

I am currently on CD 16 still anxiously awaiting ovulation.

Here is the daily scripture that I receive via email, this is the one from today. I thought it was very fitting and I do store my treasures in heaven. My amazing child, a priceless treasure is in heaven where s/he doesn't have to feel pain, disappointment, regret, fear or sickness.

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
~ Matthew 6:20, NLT

Mommy loves you Baby Becker. More than I will ever be able to show you. You are my treasure and God is holding you now, keeping you safe and protected and when I get there, I will hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep and do all of the things that we missed out on here on earth. Watch over your family little Baby Becker and know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and will love you more and more every day.

Whew....I'm glad that's over!

Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!

I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.

I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.

However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.

Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.

October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!

I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.

Quickly losing my grasp

I started this blog over 2 years ago to help me deal with my IF. I needed an outlet to vent and just get all the crap out there and whoever decided to read it could...and if no one read it that was ok too.

At the time that I started this blog, Pace and I had been trying for 1 year and 9 months. I named this blog "My grasp at sanity" because I was just entering that stage of IF where IF consumes your entire life. It consumes your thoughts, your conversations, your money, your emotions...everything. I knew that the road was only going to get worse and at times I would feel crazy, so I thought the title was very fitting.

I had no idea how fitting it really was...until recently.

I haven't blogged lately because I have been in some sort of emotional hell. Right after my miscarriage I started having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that would literally make me scream out loud. Over the last couple of weeks they are more frequent...almost every night. The theme changes, it isn't the same dream, it is always different. It makes me scared to go to sleep at night. I don't WANT to have nightmares. I don't WANT to see what I see in my dreams.

My anxiety levels have just skyrocketed. I have panic attacks and always think of the WORST situations. For example: We went quading a couple weeks ago in the mountains, my husband went out riding with one of his buddies and I stayed at camp with the rest of our friends. However, I couldn't relax and just enjoy my friends...my mind was racing with horrible thoughts. I could see Pace rolling the quad and severing his leg, flying off the road and off of a cliff... you name it, if it is horrific and terrifying...I thought it. I ended up in a full blown, hyperventilating, shaking, pounding heart, anxiety attack. It is ludicrous for me to think these thoughts but I just can't help them. They consume my mind.

I have irrational fears. Pace was working nights this week and I couldn't even take a shower while he wasn't home. I tried, but all I did was frantically stare out the shower door looking for the boogey man. When I tried to wash my face, I flew into a panic attack when I had to close my eyes.

I feel like I have totally lost the old Nichole.

I am so different now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, am always looking for the other foot to drop.

I know that I should go to therapy and be medicated for my anxiety attacks, but I don't want to take more medicine. I already take enough and I don't want to take anything that might screw my body up and push my dream of being a mother even farther away. I just needed to vent to my cyber buddies out there. I just needed to let you know what is up with me right now.

I am quickly losing my grasp on sanity. The sanity that I feared losing over 2 years ago, it is now becoming somewhat of a reality. If I only knew 2 years ago what I know now.

My last Clo.mid pill is tonight and then I will start taking Prom.etrium a day or two after I ovulate. So hopefully I can get a week or so in between the two where my already unstable emotional state isn't being influenced by medication.

What the Frick and Frack?

Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.

I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?

So here I sit on CD42.

Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?

So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.

Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????

My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?

I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).

So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.

**Sigh**

Bible Study

I am attending my first bible study tonight since the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am terrified. I am already an emotional person, but lately I have been REALLY emotional and I just don't know if I am prepared for tonight.

I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless

I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.

I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible study...now he is. Funny how things change.

I'm Still Alive...

For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever feel alive again, but slowly, I am returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The bad days are getting fewer and farther between, however the pregnancy announcements seem to be coming at me quicker than I can handle them.

I have noticed through this infertility thing that pregnancies tend to go in waves...as in all of my friends were pregnant at the same time 2 years ago, and now...here I am again. Most of my friends are getting pregnant. In addition to two of my sisters. I am happy for each and every one of them and wish them nothing but the best, but it does sting a little bit.

It leaves me wondering WHY??? How many times I have said WHY in the last three and a half years? Too many to count. I am bitter and angry and confused and feel totally rejected.

This has been probably the most horrific past couple of weeks I have ever endured. Between the miscarriage, dealing with family, finding out who our real friends are, doctors appointments, awkward conversations, I am just drained. I am tired and I am just really sick of it all.

I quit volunteering at the Women's Center. I just couldn't bear the thought of surrounding myself with women and girls that were pregnant and didn't appreciate it. Surrounding myself with women who were considering abortions. Surrounding myself with women my age that have six children and no means to provide for them. I just couldn't do it.

There really is no point to this post. No real point anyway. Just a note to let everyone know that I am alive, I am here, I am living day by day. I am struggling, but the struggle gets a tad bit easier every day.

I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your prayers, your cards, the flowers, the text messages, the emails...I thank you so much.

Pace and I will be trying again...we are just waiting for my cycles to return and then we jump back on the roller coaster. I am so NOT looking forward to trying again. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally. It seems like every time my hope builds and things seem to be working out for me, I am smashed back down to reality and stripped of everything.

INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!