2 Months later...

My dear blogger friends. It has been exactly 2 months since we found out we were pregnant with our most recent angel baby. For some reason, looking back on where I was 2 months ago led me to want to share this blog that I had started, but then never posted (because of the miscarriage) I wanted to share everything with all of you, but I was so terrified to get my hopes up at the time (for good reason apparently)...so...here is the blog that I started:

I am not even sure where to begin this post. Just to let you know, I started this post on February 11th, 2010 knowing that I had no idea how long it would be before I posted it. The thoughts and emotions are so fresh right now that I had to start writing it and I trusted that God would show me when the time was right to publish it. It is going to be very long, but I am going to journal it by days. Please feel free to quit reading whenever you need to.

My dear friends Pace and I discovered on February 6th, 2010 that we are pregnant. After 5 years of infertility, after IUI's, after Clo.mid cycles, surgeries, a miscarriage and deciding to pursue adoption, we conceived...naturally.

When we first found out of course we were ecstatic, however at the same time there was so much anger, confusion and fear. I was angry because I had let this part go. I had let go of the pregnancy desire and focused my mind on adoption, it was all planned out. I am confused because I don't understand why after so long, so many trials and tribulations, why now? (I will tell you what I think the answer to that question is in a moment) I am terrified because I don't know if I can survive another miscarriage. I am scared to tell people, but at the same time I want to shout it from the rooftops.

We saw an OB on Tuesday the 9th. According to her everything looks good. Our first u/s is scheduled for 2/16 we can determine at that time exactly how far along I am. Since I haven't had a period since October, it is obviously impossible to know how far along I am. The OB did a pelvic exam and based on that she thinks that I am somewhere between 6-8 weeks along.

I wanted to tell you all immediately. However, I had to be sure that this pregnancy was at least viable before I said anything. Obviously as I write this, I know the pregnancy is viable, however I don't want to make any official announcements until we at least have our first u/s.

Here is how I came to take a pg test: Somewhere around the 14th of January I started noticing tenderness in my breasts. I thought that I was just getting ready to start my period and dismissed it. The tenderness got worse and continued. Then the last week of January I started cramping...so I again thought "Ahh...AF is coming" Of course pregnancy was in the back of my mind, but I kept it there. I thought my mind was just playing tricks on me and that I was maybe going a little crazy. Finally on February 6th, after AF had not shown her face and my breasts were still sore, I decided to test. When I saw the two lines I actually had to go get the directions out of the pg test box because I just didn't believe that it was positive!

I have definitely started having morning sickness, in fact I have been sick all week although I have only thrown up once. I have had no spotting to date, although I do have some intermittent cramping which I am assuming is my uterus stretching. I have only 3 pairs of pants that I can wear right now. I sit at a desk all day and it is very uncomfortable to sit in tight pants!

That is it...it wasn't long after that I miscarried and once again lost myself. I changed, never to be the same. I am not necessarily worse...just changed.

I have no words

I have no words

Correct that...

I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.

I just can't put them together to make any sense.

So that is all the blog I have.

Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.

2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

God bless you dear Sarah

Please give some love to my friend Jess. Her brother's girlfriend went into premature labor last week. She was 20 weeks along. The Dr's rushed her into surgery and did a cerclage. However, she got an infection and they had to take it out yesterday.

Dear Sarah was born yesterday weighing very little and only lived about 5 minutes.

She is now a beautiful angel singing with the Angel Chorus and hanging out with her 4 baby cousins.

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as yet another baby in the family made it to heaven way too soon.

Very Difficult Father's Day

This year was particularly hard. Knowing that if we had not lost our baby, Pace would have been able to wake up to his beautiful son/daughter cooing and loving him instead of me making coffee and doing dishes.

It isn't fair and I am not sure I have ever felt more guilty and sad that I can not and may not ever be able to give my husband a biological child. Obviously I know in my mind that it is not my fault, I am not infertile on purpose and I certainly didn't ask for this, but my heart is taking much longer to convince. I thought I was totally over the biological connection thing and for the most part I think I am, but it hurts non-the-less and I am not sure I will ever be completely and totally over the fact that my children don't have his beautiful blue eyes, my skin and his cute little tushy.

This is going to be a rough week. Starting out with a strenuous Father's Day, 2 adoption orientations, Pace working late a few nights and his little sister's birthday party on Saturday (she will be 4). It is going to be a very emotional week.

My pregnant friend came over last Thursday for a visit. The last time I saw her was when she told me she was pregnant (about 5 months ago). It was ok, it was great seeing her, I really missed her but at the same time it was very hard. It was hard to hear her complain about being pregnant (not about being pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, but just how uncomfortable pregnancy is). I simply replied "It will be worth it in the end." I didn't know what else to say. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to keep our friendship as "normal" as possible in this very uncomfortable time. I made her a baby blanket and gave it to her when she came over, she said that I should have waited for the baby shower to which I replied, "I wanted to give it to you now because I don't know if I will be able to attend the shower." She didn't press it or ask any additional questions and I love her for that.

Easter Sunday

I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!


Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.


Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.


A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.


Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!


I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!


We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.


You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:


1. Sleep in


2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk


3. Make a nice big breakfast


4. Relax


5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium


6. Pack a picnic lunch


7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)


8. Have our picnic


9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them


10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!


11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.


I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.

Four Years

Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.

We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.

Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.

Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.

*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.

My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!

Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!

Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!

Humbled

I am totally taken back and humbled by all of the support from you...my blog readers...most of you are strangers to me in real life, but know me better than most of my in real life friends. Thank you for encouraging me to "be me" and to post honestly about where I am in the moment. You are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to "meet" and I thank you.

AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.



Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.



My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.



Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.



My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will remember...so...here it is...it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.

The thing on the left is the poem that I wrote 3 days after my miscarriage. My two positive pregnancy tests are in there, there is a calendar saying from my desk calendar for August 9th, 2008 - the day I found out I was pregnant. The pacifier is part of the "congratulations" package we received from OBGYN, the footprints at the bottom is part of the program from the "Walk to Remember" we participated in a few weeks ago. The cross I bought and painted and the roses are from the flowers we received from Jess and her husband when we found out we were pregnant. I love this box. Every time I see it, I smile. (and then usually cry) but I am sure that will pass....someday.

The holidays are a comin...

I had an amazing weekend. It was emotionally draining, inspirational, exhausting and stressful, but it was a good weekend.

Friday night I went out to dinner with Pace and my good friend Trisha, we went to a fish house and I had the most amazing crab!

Then Saturday morning the three of us participated in a Remembrance walk for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It was amazing. I cried almost the entire time. We were able to write messages to our babies which were read for everyone to hear. We were able to share our stories, poems and songs and at the end there was a balloon toss. Here is a picture of Pace and I that my friend Trisha took. We are watching the balloons head up to the heavens:

I am definitely going to make this an annual thing for me. It was so wonderful being around people that are in similar situations or feel the same way that I do in real life. This Saturday the Catholic Church that I used to attend is holding a special mass for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Even though I no longer consider myself "Catholic" I think it will be nice to be in a church and have my loss acknowledged. It seems that my church totally revolves around babies, pregnancy and children and sometimes it is just too much to take.

Then Saturday evening Pace and I met up with my friend J and her husband G. They have 3 angels in heaven as well, and did a candle lighting ceremony with us last Wednesday. We have a farm out here in AZ that has fresh produce, a corn maize, petting zoo, and carnival rides right now for a fall festival. HORRIBLE IDEA TO GO!!!! I think 70 percent of the women there were pregnant and EVERYONE had kids. I didn't realize the entire event was geared towards kids...but it was. And we had to pay $12 to get in, so I wasn't just going to leave...I was going to get some enjoyment out of it. We had Pace's little sister with us (she's 3) so that was helpful...kind of. At least we looked like we belonged there because we had here with us.

The holidays suck. I usually love Halloween! It is one of my favorite holidays, not anymore. I told Pace the other night that I am not sure if I will be able to hang out and hand out candy. I just want to be around adults...with no kids. No cute little costumes, no 16 year old girls trick or treating with their babies...I just don't want to do it this year.

I am still waiting on ovulation. I don't know what is going on...I have gotten like 4 or 5 tests with faint second lines, but no "positives" Today is CD22 so I am not sure what to think. I will keep testing for another week. My body definitely does not seem to be as cooperative this cycle. GRrrrrr

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is a monumental day for me. It is my first year of participating in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I have a candle lit on my desk this morning for my little angel and plan on doing a candle lighting ceremony with my friend that has 3 angels in heaven tonight.

Today also marks 2 months since my baby went to heaven. I should be 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now. I should have ultrasound pictures and should be shopping for nursery furniture. Instead, I am snuggling my little stuffed bear at night that we named our little angel baby after.

This week has been totally up and down. I got an email from one of my pregnant sisters with ultrasound pics and a 20 week belly pic. I keep going back and forth. On one hand I think it is incredibly insensitive for her to include me on those emails, on the other hand, it feels nice that I am not being treated differently. Either way...it hurts. I guess I am just hard to please.

My other sister that is pregnant doesn't talk about her pregnancy with me at all. She doesn't bring it up and when I ask how she is feeling, she simply responds with "good." and then changes the subject. I think I prefer that. I know that I am going to have to see both of them and their big pregnant bellies at Christmas, however at least in the meantime I can just stay in the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset.

For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, you will recall that I was a volunteer crisis counselor at a crisis pregnancy center for 3 years and continued volunteering there up until my miscarriage. Well, since then one of my main clients had her baby. She called me on Sunday to let me know that she had a baby girl and that her baby shower was going to be this coming Saturday. She has no job, she is 17 years old, she did not graduate High School, she knew her boyfriend 2 months before she got pregnant and now...she has a beautiful baby girl. While she is celebrating the birth of her new baby on Saturday, I will be doing a remembrance walk for the loss of mine. The baby that I struggled to have for 3 and a half years.

Everything in life just seems so unfair.

I am currently on CD 16 still anxiously awaiting ovulation.

Here is the daily scripture that I receive via email, this is the one from today. I thought it was very fitting and I do store my treasures in heaven. My amazing child, a priceless treasure is in heaven where s/he doesn't have to feel pain, disappointment, regret, fear or sickness.

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
~ Matthew 6:20, NLT

Mommy loves you Baby Becker. More than I will ever be able to show you. You are my treasure and God is holding you now, keeping you safe and protected and when I get there, I will hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep and do all of the things that we missed out on here on earth. Watch over your family little Baby Becker and know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and will love you more and more every day.

Whew....I'm glad that's over!

Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!

I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.

I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.

However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.

Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.

October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!

I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.

Mommy to an angel

I lost the baby today. I went to the ER but when they did the u/s...the baby was already gone.

I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.

I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.