I have no words

I have no words

Correct that...

I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.

I just can't put them together to make any sense.

So that is all the blog I have.

Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.

Four Years

Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.

We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.

Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.

Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.

*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.

My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!

Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!

Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!

Long update

I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. I'm not sure why I haven't written - just haven't really been motivated I guess. So I have a lot to blog about.
I got my tattoo and I love it! I am so glad I finally did it! The pictures are a little rough because of the flash, but here is a basic idea.
Here is one literally seconds after he finished:

And here is one Pace took today - it is all healed up. Keep in mind I did adjust the color to try and get the shine to go away but it is kind of blurry and there is quite a bit of shine still.

The pictures really don't do it justice, I will try to get a better picture soon.

Last weekend Pace and I took his little sister (she's 3) to a cabin up North with our friends and their 2 year old son. It was awesome! We played in the snow, we went sledding, we played pool, we played Mad Gab and just had an awesome time. The weather was beautiful and I can't wait to go back again!

On the "Still TTC Front"

Last Thursday the cramps started. I tested Friday morning at 14DPO *negative*. I was ok, after all that just meant that I could have some drinks on our weekend away and I didn't really have a lot of hope anyway since I ovulated so late. The cramps were fairly intense over the entire weekend, but AF never showed. This is really weird for me because usually literally minutes after the cramps start, AF shows her ugly face. Not this time though. I wasn't going to complain though - that was one less thing I had to worry about over the weekend.

*TMI ahead warning READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

Sunday night Pace and I did a little BDing *wink wink* that is when I fell apart. Immediately after I got the WORSE cramps! The kind of cramps that make you HATE being a woman. The kind of cramps that no woman, no matter how spiteful she may be would EVER wish upon her worse enemy! They hit me like a freight train. They were so bad I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying hysterically. Poor Pace he felt totally helpless. The cramps got so intense I actually started throwing up.

I have had cramps like this before, not in a long time, but I had them before but I was so mad this time cause I thought that the surgery would make my periods better...not worse. The vomiting eventually turned into dry heaving and after about 20 minutes the cramps subsided. I went to bed, got up and went to work yesterday - nothing. No AF.

All that cramping for nothing. This was really starting to freak me out. I had some typical cramping last night, but nothing major, went to bed, got up and went to work this morning - again...nothing.

Then after being at work for an hour. The horrible-God-please-take-me-now cramps returned. I ended up balled up on the bathroom floor dry heaving at WORK! There she was in all of her Glory - AF. Finally you stupid wench, what did I do to piss you off SO much that you would put me through all of this?

I toughed it out for about another hour until I just couldn't take it any longer. The pain was so bad I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I told my boss I needed to go home and bawled all the way home. Those cramps stuck with me for about 3 and a half hours and have been off and on all day since then.

I hear you asking - Nichole why didn't you take anything? I did...I have taken Mi.dol, Al.eve, Ty.lenol you name it, I have taken it and have taken more than the recommended amount.

So here I sit...CD1. This Thursday marks 4 years. Four years of being married to the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for and 4 years of trying to start our family. Very bitter sweet.

So that is the update in a nutshell on me. I thought you all would think this is cute: Pace's little sister saw my tattoo while we were camping this weekend and she said "I like your stamp" I said "Thank you - do you know who it is?" She replied, "Yep...it's baby Jesus...he's sleeping"

Priceless!

What a weekend!

I had a fabulous weekend! It started out Friday night with a Rock Band concert in my living room with our best friends and Pace and I starring! It was a blast! We had Pace's little sister all weekend so she got to play with our friend's son and they are just so cute together! It kind of made me sad because I so wish that we had a child to play with their son, since we have been friends we have dreamed of our kids growing up together - we better hurry up and get pregnant, cause their son (and Pace's sister) are growing too fast!

Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.

The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*

The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.

The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.

Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!

My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.

Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.

Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!

I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.

I thank God for that!

I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.

*HUGS*

Whew...what a week!

It really has been a crazy week! My best friend's grandpa passed away the morning of the Super Bowl. They were hosting the Super Bowl party, so Pace and I went over to their house to clean up and get things set up while they were with their family. I really enjoy spending time with them and their families. We are like members of their family and I feel so welcome over there.

I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.

My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!

I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!

I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:

To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!

Life update

This week, I have found multiple topics of conversation and things that I would like to share with all of you out here in blogger world with me, so here we go!

Exercising

Pace bought me a gym membership for my birthday (don't try to cyber-smack him...that is what I ASKED for for my birthday) and last night was the first time I ventured in. I have always been afraid of the gym. Not because it would become a clear reality how out of shape I was, not because I would have to work out next to Barbie (ok...that had a little to do with it) but mostly because of my social anxiety. My fear of being in public with a large group of strangers.

So last night I conquered that fear and I walked into the gym with my head held high and my stomach in my throat. It really was not as bad as I thought! It was actually fun, and I actually look forward to going tomorrow. I am sore in places I never paid much attention to, but it feels great!

Boating

That's right folks...boating...and swimming...in wild water. If you followed my past link "social anxiety" you already know that I am terrified of the water. I learned to swim only about 6 years ago, and still don't care to be in water so deep that my feet don't touch the ground. However, another fear conquered this week! Pace and I went out on a boat with my co-worker and her husband this week and I JUMPED IN THE WATER....AND SWAM!!! I know...I can hardly believe it too, but it was really nice! Being out on the water, on the jet boat, it really was a lot of fun and I really look forward to doing it again.

Work

All I can say is CHANGE SUCKS! My company (of which I have helped build over the last 6.5 years) was sold last week to a new guy. And when I say new guy...I mean NEW. He knows nothing about the service we provide (flood and fire damage restoration) he doesn't know how to work with Quick.books, he doesn't even know how to check his email, but I am working for HIM! Grrrrr! It is so frustrating. Meanwhile, my previous (pretty cool) bosses are out spending their millions while I am pining away with the old man who doesn't know a damn thing about what I do all day.

Infertility

You didn't think I would leave THAT out now did you??? Pace and I talked a little bit about our future and having children. He would like to try IVF before we try adoption and he wants to wait until spring of next year. We are buying a house in Dec. or Jan. and he wants to get moved in before we start up again.

Now...this really struck me and made me realize how much infertility really changes a person. I am a fairly logical person. I think decisions through...almost to a fault. I am rarely spontaneous (it takes a couple fruity drinks to get me to be spontaneous), I think I am intelligent and a well rounded person. Pace is also well rounded and intelligent, but he is also very spontaneous, he likes to "fly by the seat of his pants" he doesn't always think decisions through, but that is ok. We compliment each other well and we make it work beautifully.

But during this discussion I realized that when it comes to infertility, our roles are reversed. I am being completely illogical, not making much sense, not making wise decisions and being a total emotional wreck. Pace on the other hand is cool as a cucumber. When we talk about infertility decisions, he is very matter of fact and has really given these decisions a lot of thought. He has thought through the end of the year, the buying of a house, the whole nine yards, and all I can think about are babies.

I surprise myself sometimes...sometimes I don't know who I am anymore....

working out...

boating...

swimming...

new hair color...

tattoos...

Very unlike me.

Yep.

I have lost the old me.