2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

2009... you will NOT be missed!**UPDATED**

What a very Merry Christmas! I haven't really had time to blog recently, so I apologize for my absence. I had a wonderful Christmas with Pace, E and my MIL. Pace and I went to church on Wednesday night (thought there would be less of a crowd, and less babies)...it was AWESOME! One of the most moving and memorable Christmas services I have ever attended. It was so good Pace went again on Christmas eve with his mom.

My MIL and E spent the night with us Christmas eve, we set out cookies and egg nog for Santa, and read all about the birth of Jesus before bed. It was great knowing that E is now old enough to know the real reason for the season! Friday morning we woke up and watched E tear through all of the goodies that Santa left her. Then we made the traditional family breakfast and exchanged gifts. It really was a wonderful day with great friends, family and awesome food!

I have a little bit of news to share and I am VERY cautiously optimistic...

I work with this woman who has a grandson that is my age. His gf is currently pregnant with #2 and they are considering adoption. The economy has really taken a toll on them and they are finding it difficult to make ends meet. How selfless to consider this option, I really just can't get over how much I admire a birthparent's sacrific of giving their child a better chance. My co-worker mailed her grandson a letter telling him all about Pace and I and included our Christmas letter we sent out which does indicate that we are looking to adopt in 2010. My co-worker called me on Christmas Eve to tell me that she had sent them the letter and would call as soon as she heard something from them...she called this morning. She said she didn't want to discuss anything while I was at work and to call her when I was on my way home. Eeeeek

I called my sisters and my mom on Christmas Eve and asked for them to be praying for this couple. Even if they decide not to allow us to adopt their baby, they need prayers. They are struggling right now and facing difficult times. So to all of you that are of the praying type. I ask that you pray for them as well. Pray that the Lord may lead them in the right direction, that He may carry their struggles and their burdens and that they may know Him!

Pace and I are off to the sand dunes again this year for New Years. I am super excited. My co-worker (same one listed above) let us borrow their tent trailer, so it will be nice to have our own place to stay. We won't have to share, it will just be our little home. It's going to be awesome to have some alone time with Pace. Please pray for a SAFE TRIP!!!

I will try to get on and update as soon as I talk to my co-worker. What a wonderful way to start out 2010 THAT would be!!!!

**UPDATE** My co-worker spoke to her grandson and they already went through an adoption agency and have matched with a couple. She is due in a month or so and the adoptive couple they chose have been really great to them. I am really happy for the adoptive couple that will have their dreams come true very soon! Although this situation didn't work out, it did at least instill a little bit of hope again in my heart - a feeling I haven't had for a while. Thank you for all of the well-wishes.

Emily - Know that I am ALWAYS praying for you guys! I love you!

Not in Kansas anymore (cont.)

Ok...so where did I leave off.

Pace and I headed home fairly early Friday night. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and silly, so it was time to go. :-)

We woke up Saturday morning to the most beautiful fog. You could hardly see anything. It was AWESOME! We enjoyed a nice breakfast with my parents and began to plan our day. Do you remember the Chicken Enchilada Delight I was jonesing for before I left? I GOT IT!!!

It was AWESOME! Even better than I remember because I was able to share it with Pace and my parents. After we had lunch, we went back to the farm and my dad had to go get the "Bad Boy" out of the garage. My parents have A LOT of grass to mow, so my dad recently got this awesome 72 inch blade riding lawn mower. He was just like a little boy at Christmas time! Pace of course had been eyeing the weed eater in the garage since we had arrived, so he took my dad mowing as an opportunity to get in and get dirty on the farm.

I went out and worked a little in my mom's flower beds picking weeds and trimming the bushes getting them ready for the winter. It was so nice. That is until Pace's allergies kicked in. LOL We all got dirty and spent some time enjoying the beautiful weather and each other's company. After the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled (or cut down with the weed eater), and the wasp nests were destroyed (my mom is horribly allergic) we hit the showers to prepare for the dinner and dance for the reunion.

We got there just in time for dinner and I was very dissappointed to see that not many had changed since High School. The clicks were all the same and very few had changed or matured since we graduated. I hung out and caught up with those that I wanted and then after one adorable dance

We headed off to our friend James' house for a drink and some nice conversation.

Sunday morning my parents were kind enough to let us sluff church so we could catch up on some much needed ZZZZZZ's. After traveling for a day and staying up until 2 am two nights in a row...we were really in need of some good sleep. Mom and dad took us to breakfast and then back to the farm we went.

Pace couldn't wait to get out in the pasture and help my brother chop down some big, beautiful, but bothersome trees. So off they went on the bobcat with a chainsaw in hand. While they boys played with their toys I helped my mom make her famous fried chicken, mashed potatoes and chicken gravy. One of my all time favorite meals that my mom makes. Nobody makes chicken gravy like she does!

It was very bittersweet as our trip was coming to an end. I knew I wasn't ready to go home. After all of the pressure and stress I had been dealing with in AZ, it was so comforting to have my mom hold me, hug me and just love on me. I miss them so much. They aren't getting any younger and having to leave them was so difficult.

Here we are back in AZ, back in the heat, back to work and muddling our way through this short week and looking forward to the weekend. My nephew just started playing football, so we are headed off to see his game tomorrow night. I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON! Woo Hoo!

Not in Kansas anymore

I had such a wonderful time in KS. I was NOT ready to come home. I wanted to blog while at my parent's house because I didn't want to miss anything, but I just couldn't find the time so I will do my best to relive the trip for you!

We headed to the airport Thursday morning with VERY little time to spare. I like to have plenty of time when I get to the airport because you never know how long everything is going to take. Well, we were arriving at the airport with about an hour until our plane left. We still had to park the car, take the shuttle to the airport, check our bags, go through security and get to our gate. Needless to say, I was a little STRESSED! However, we got on the plane in just enough time and off we went.

We arrived in beautiful Denver a few hours later and got our rental car. Pace surprised me by renting the new Cam.aro. He said I needed to arrive to my reunion in style. LOL We started to drive to my parents and I felt instantly relaxed. The beautiful sunflower fields, the clouds and the rain. I felt like I was home. The drive went smoothly. We saw some crazy big birds, I have no idea what they were and a beautiful deer on the side of the road. We drove through some rain and I just couldn't wait to get home.

We arrived in the evening and were greeted in the driveway by the family dog, Bo. He is a beautiful golden retriever that has really helped my parents deal with "empty nest" syndrome. Seeing my mom and dad come out of the house to greet us was awesome! I miss them so much. We spent the evening visiting and made some plans to do some touring on Friday.

When we went up to bed, the windows were open and a wonderful cool breeze was blowing through the bedroom. I feel asleep to the cool night air and the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees. I was home.

Friday morning we loaded up in the car and headed out. We drove by some new land that my parents bought, a new wind farm that is going up by my parents house, and to Greensburg KS. If you don't know about Greensburg, it is a small town in KS that was almost completely wiped out by a huge tornado two years ago. They are rebuilding it now and are building it back "green". There is a show on Green TV all about rebuilding the town. My parents also drove us out to the new lake that they are building and also the new casino. This little town really is growing up! LOL

Friday evening was the first evening of planned activities for the reunion. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. We got to the bar and started mingling. The first hour was kind of rough, especially on Pace. He obviously didn't know anyone and I felt pretty bad. So, he called our friend James (James and I went to high school together, he lived in AZ for a little while where he met Pace and we all became very good friends) "Hi James"! (he reads my blogs too) :-)

For the rest of the night I think Pace and James were the life of the party. Everyone thought they were so funny and for the majority of the evening, I forgot about how awkward it was to be around all of these people from high school. As far as my classmates go, very few of them have changed. The clicks were all the same, it really felt like I was still in high school. Overall I am glad I went, but I enjoyed my time with my parents much more than the reunion itself.

This is getting way long, so I will write more about the weekend later!

I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)

I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL

It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)

We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.

Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.

I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.

The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.

We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.

So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.

Long update

I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written. I'm not sure why I haven't written - just haven't really been motivated I guess. So I have a lot to blog about.
I got my tattoo and I love it! I am so glad I finally did it! The pictures are a little rough because of the flash, but here is a basic idea.
Here is one literally seconds after he finished:

And here is one Pace took today - it is all healed up. Keep in mind I did adjust the color to try and get the shine to go away but it is kind of blurry and there is quite a bit of shine still.

The pictures really don't do it justice, I will try to get a better picture soon.

Last weekend Pace and I took his little sister (she's 3) to a cabin up North with our friends and their 2 year old son. It was awesome! We played in the snow, we went sledding, we played pool, we played Mad Gab and just had an awesome time. The weather was beautiful and I can't wait to go back again!

On the "Still TTC Front"

Last Thursday the cramps started. I tested Friday morning at 14DPO *negative*. I was ok, after all that just meant that I could have some drinks on our weekend away and I didn't really have a lot of hope anyway since I ovulated so late. The cramps were fairly intense over the entire weekend, but AF never showed. This is really weird for me because usually literally minutes after the cramps start, AF shows her ugly face. Not this time though. I wasn't going to complain though - that was one less thing I had to worry about over the weekend.

*TMI ahead warning READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

Sunday night Pace and I did a little BDing *wink wink* that is when I fell apart. Immediately after I got the WORSE cramps! The kind of cramps that make you HATE being a woman. The kind of cramps that no woman, no matter how spiteful she may be would EVER wish upon her worse enemy! They hit me like a freight train. They were so bad I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying hysterically. Poor Pace he felt totally helpless. The cramps got so intense I actually started throwing up.

I have had cramps like this before, not in a long time, but I had them before but I was so mad this time cause I thought that the surgery would make my periods better...not worse. The vomiting eventually turned into dry heaving and after about 20 minutes the cramps subsided. I went to bed, got up and went to work yesterday - nothing. No AF.

All that cramping for nothing. This was really starting to freak me out. I had some typical cramping last night, but nothing major, went to bed, got up and went to work this morning - again...nothing.

Then after being at work for an hour. The horrible-God-please-take-me-now cramps returned. I ended up balled up on the bathroom floor dry heaving at WORK! There she was in all of her Glory - AF. Finally you stupid wench, what did I do to piss you off SO much that you would put me through all of this?

I toughed it out for about another hour until I just couldn't take it any longer. The pain was so bad I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I told my boss I needed to go home and bawled all the way home. Those cramps stuck with me for about 3 and a half hours and have been off and on all day since then.

I hear you asking - Nichole why didn't you take anything? I did...I have taken Mi.dol, Al.eve, Ty.lenol you name it, I have taken it and have taken more than the recommended amount.

So here I sit...CD1. This Thursday marks 4 years. Four years of being married to the most wonderful husband I could have ever asked for and 4 years of trying to start our family. Very bitter sweet.

So that is the update in a nutshell on me. I thought you all would think this is cute: Pace's little sister saw my tattoo while we were camping this weekend and she said "I like your stamp" I said "Thank you - do you know who it is?" She replied, "Yep...it's baby Jesus...he's sleeping"

Priceless!

What a weekend!

I had a fabulous weekend! It started out Friday night with a Rock Band concert in my living room with our best friends and Pace and I starring! It was a blast! We had Pace's little sister all weekend so she got to play with our friend's son and they are just so cute together! It kind of made me sad because I so wish that we had a child to play with their son, since we have been friends we have dreamed of our kids growing up together - we better hurry up and get pregnant, cause their son (and Pace's sister) are growing too fast!

Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.

The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*

The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.

The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.

Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!

My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.

Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.

Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!

I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.

I thank God for that!

I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.

*HUGS*

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For those of you that aren't familiar, the Im.perial S.and D.unes in CA is a huge gathering place for the new year. Everyone brings out their quads, S.and R.ails, Buggies, d.irt b.ikes and more toys to enjoy endless amounts of sand, drinking and fun.

This is where we are headed today.

We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!

I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Survived Christmas

I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.

We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.

We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.


In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.


After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"


Me: "For What?"

Her: "You're pregnant!"

Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"


Her: "Oh...when?"

Me: "In August."

Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"

Me: "A little over 6 weeks."

Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"

Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.

The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.


Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!

I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!

I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.

Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.

Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.

We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.

Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.

Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.

I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.

Amen.

Breakdown #6

A little overwhelmed...

So...the vacation was wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, nice and cool - warm in the afternoon, cool in the morning and evening. The company was even better. I met a couple of Pace's aunts that I had never met before. They were lovely. They were warm and welcoming, we spent time with his Nana, his grandma and most of all, his (our) nieces. We have not seen them since our wedding 2 and a half years ago and I can't believe how big they have gotten. They are beautiful girls with so much love to give! They absolutely love uncle Pace! We took them shopping and bought them both He.ely's. (The shoes with a wheel in the heel) It was so fun! They were the first things we bought and the rest of our time with the girls was spent trying to teach them how to use them!

On a different note...I have met someone...haha - don't freak out. I mean I have met someone else in real life that is suffering from infertility. Well...she is fertile, but she suffers from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. We were brought together through the Women's Center I volunteer at and she just so happened to open up to me that she was currently going through her third miscarriage. I feel like I have been friends with this woman for years and I have never even met her in person yet. We plan on getting together soon for dinner or something, but I am just ecstatic that I have found someone that lives within blocks of me that I can talk to and that will sympathize with where I am at.

I had my bloodwork done last week. It was a defining moment - it was a clear, distinct reminder that my body is broken, it is dysfunctional and malfunctioning. It also made me remember that Pace and I have been trying to start our family for over two and a half years. It all just hit home very quickly and brought me right back to that bitter pissed off Nichole I left behind a couple of months ago when we went on a TTC break. It makes me wonder if that will ever go away.

On a dramatic note...I told my roommate (our foreign exchange student) that she needed to find new living arrangements. I gave her until the end of the month. I just reached my breaking point and I just can't have someone in my house that doesn't respect my house or my husband. Pace and I both tried to talk to her tonight about her constantly rude disrespectful behavior and she had the audacity to tell Pace "why do I have to follow your rules?" and constantly interrupting him while he was talking. That is when I lost it. I told her that the conversation was over, if she couldn't respect my house and my husband then she needed to live somewhere else. I explained to her that I was tired of her behavior and was not going to put up with it anymore.

It is a bittersweet move. I really wanted it to work with her and I really wanted to be able to help her while she was in college here, but I just can't take the tension she brings to my house.

So...life is crazy, still, again...whatever. It is just dramatic. But, it is mine.

Life Is Crazy!

So life is just absolutely crazy right now. Work is probably the most peaceful place for me to be and that says a lot cause work is STRESSFUL!!! Our foreign exchange student is back and just as I expected...it is NOT working. ALREADY! Pace is pissed off all the time, I am not sure I remember the last time he and I just sat back and had fun together. It seems it is all business lately. Home buying, exchange students, work, finances, family yada yada yada.
It is absolutely DRAINING! I mean how much serious stuff can you take before you just crack?

Pace and I are going on vacation this weekend. I can't wait. I am so sick of the heat here. We broke the record number of days over 110 today. What a freakin record! Yep...29 days so far this year with temperatures over 110. GRrrrrr. I just want it to be cool outside, and this weekend, I will at least be able to get a taste of that. We are going to Salt Lake City to see Pace's family. Family that we have not seen in almost 3 years. It will be a good trip. I love staying in hotels...sadly that is the part I am looking forward to the most.

We have been looking at homes. The market here has been nuts for the last couple of years, so right now we are just kind of taking our time, looking at different houses trying to get a feel for what we are looking for, where we want to live and how much we want to spend. I am excited yet a little scared about buying a house. Not only for the financial obligation, but for what it means to our future. I mean we have been saying for the last couple of months that once we buy a house, we will get back to the Dr. and start TTC treatments again. Just the thought of it makes me shutter.
I think about infertility every day, but it doesn't control everything I do. There was a time when we were in the middle of IUI cycles when every single thought I had revolved around TTC. It took me so long to get out of that mentality and frankly, I am scared to start TTC (with treatment) again because I don't want to lose myself to it again. I don't want to become the monster I was. Granted...I still have monster days when seeing a pregnant women, a cute little family walking into a restaurant, or a dad playing catch with his son makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I just can't help it.

We are back in church and dealing all the time with our faith and infertility, and I am learning more and more about myself all the time.

I have been deeply saddened the last couple of weeks as one of my blogger and myspace friends Lara as well as one of my in real life friends are both healing from very sudden and recent miscarriages. Please keep these women in your prayers and ask for peace, and healing for them.

I will post some pics of our vacation when I get back! Have a great Labor Day weekend and I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately...LIFE IS CRAZY!!!

Pics from our trip

I took 144 pictures on our trip!!! Needless to say, I will only post a few of my favs. Hope you all enjoy.




This is a pic of the sign in front of my parents farm - all of us kids bought this for our parents for Christmas a few years ago.
















This is a pic of me and my oldest Nephew. He just graduated from High School (This is after a LONG day in the field, please excuse how tired we both look)









This is my handsome hubby on the combine. This was his first harvest!

This is me in the wheat field (of course holding a piece of wheat)

Vacation Time!

Only a few more days and I will be in Kansas with my family. I am thrilled! My parents are farmers and this is the first time Pace will have been able to be a part of wheat harvest. He has never been involved with anything like this before and I can't wait to see what he thinks of life on the farm.



Going home is a great vacation. It is wonderful to get away from home, but it is always wonderful to go back. I have a lot of history there. My parents raised all 6 of us kids in the same house my Grandparents built and raised my father and his brothers and sisters. You just don't find that kind of history in a house very often anymore.



Plus, I get to travel with my sister, my niece and nephew. My niece and I (she is 13) have become increasingly close over the last couple of years. It is an awesome experience to know that I am somebody she can come talk to/hang out with. I can't wait to see all of my other nieces and nephews. I haven't seen them since Christmas, and I won't see them this coming Christmas, so it will be a while before I am able to see them all again.



On the baby front, I am having a pretty good week actually. I have made myself take the time to appreciate the fact that we don't have kids right now. I think Pace and I are going to do more traveling. Take more trips do things now that we won't be able to do when we have kids. I suppose it is just a way to "make it ok" for now. There is nothing we can do right now on the baby front, so we are just going to make the best of what we have gotten.



Over the weekend, Pace and I caught wind that some very dear friends of his have been speaking unkindly behind our back about the whole infertility stuff. I don't have details on exactly what was said, and I didn't hear them say it first hand, but it hurts nonetheless. I have no doubt that these people begrudge us for our decision to have kids right now. They don't understand, and the fact is, they never will. Most of our friends already have kids or don't ever want to have kids, so their perspective is much different than Pace and I's.



It is saddening to see our "friend circle" diminish quickly before our eyes, but at the same time, it is uplifting and a relief. I have come to a very clear understanding recently that it is not about the quantity of friends you have but the quality of those you do have. So I am completely ok with not having many friends, as long as those that I do have are QUALITY friends.



I am not sure if friendships were harder as a teenager, or as an adult...but right now they are proving to be very difficult. It seems that the good friends I do have are either moving out of state or 30 years older than Pace and I. (which is not a bad thing, but we just don't always have that much in common with them)



On a lighter note...here are the hair pictures I promised. I think I really like being a brunette. I have always been a blonde, and my family hasn't seen me with brown hair, so it will be interesting to see what they think this weekend.