2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

Second surgery of the year...done

What a day yesterday! It started with Pace waking up at 4:30 to make me breakfast since I couldn't eat or drink anything after 5:30 am - what a guy! After that we both got ready for work and headed in for our half days. Then we headed for the surgery center. When we first walked in I was NOT impressed. It was a very small, VERY crowded waiting room and the staff didn't seem very professional. I felt so bad having to leave Pace out in that tiny room during my surgery. After just a few minutes the nurse called me back. They were WONDERFUL! I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of moms. They were all very nurturing, understanding and just fantastic.

The anestesiologist (I have no idea how to spell that and apparently spell check doesn't either) was hysterical! All of that combined really put me at ease. they had a really hard time getting my IV in again but they finally got it on the third stick (two on the right arm and then finally one on the left). I was able to walk into the OR myself which was different than my last lap. It was neat being able to hear the witty banter of the nurses, doctors and such. I finally got my cocktail and was knocked out immediately.

The surgery went very well. They were able to remove the entire mass with minimal trauma to the ovary. They also checked my tubes and looked for more endo, but all was clear! That is great news. I should have the pathology results next week, and my post-op appt. with the RE is next Wednesday, so we should know more after that.

So far I have felt really good. Of course I am sore, but I remember being MUCH more uncomfortable with the last lap, and I have two extra incisions this time. Personally I think my RE was just more gentle and knew what he was doing more than the GYN that did my lap. I was MISERABLE last time. I took one pain pill last night before bed because I was scared I would wake up in a lot of pain, but I still feel pretty good.

Pace had to work today, so my sweet friend "T" took the day off to come hang out with me. It will be so nice to spend the day with her. She is wonderful!

I was witness to another pregnancy announcement yesterday. At work. In front of everyone, my boss shared that his daughter (who is my age) is expecting. They just got married last December, weren't trying, don't have jobs etc. It was VERY uncomfortable for me and I just had to fight back my tears. I was already kind of nervous about my surgery, and then for that to be thrown in the mix was just really hard.

I am trying to stay faithful Lord, but after four and a half years, one miscarriage, two surgeries I am getting tired. Pace and I are no longer on the same page as far as future TTC and I feel defeated. Please show me the way and I will follow. I'm just exhausted.

Thank you all for your love, kind words and support. It literally brings tears to my eyes and humbleness to my heart to know that all of you are here with me, supporting me and encouraging me. You all are wonderful and I have no idea where I would be without you. MUAH!

GO CARDINALS!!!

I am SO excited that the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl!!!! Pace and I spent yesterday surrounded by our close friends and family. We had a great time, ate way too much food and yelled a little too much, but we had a great time!



We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.



I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!



I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.



Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!

2 is the magic number

I'm home. I'm sore, I feel like I have been hit by a truck, but I am home and well.

The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.

They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.

I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!

I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.

Much love!
Nichole

Starting To Freak

My lab work is done, I have given my medical history and I 32 hours away from my surgery. I know that it is a minor, routine surgery, but I am still freaking a little. I am freaking about being put under, about doing/saying something stupid while under anesthesia, about what they will find. I am just a freak.

I have had a rough couple of days. My great Aunt passed away. I was supposed to sing at her funeral, but the funeral is tomorrow...in KS. No way I could go and be back for my surgery. So my sister flew home and is going to be singing with my mom. I am sad that I can't be there, but I need to do this and I can't put it off.

A very dear family friend of Pace's passed away this weekend. The poor man had been battling cancer for a few years now. It was awful what he had to go through and I am so thankful his pain is over.

I had a fantastic weekend with my husband. We played Playstation 3, we wrestled, tickled, laughed, watched lots of football and just enjoyed each other. I love it when we enjoy each other like that.

Here are a few pics from our New Years trip. I will update you all on my surgery as quickly as I can.

The talks

The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.

The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.

When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.

This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.

So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.

The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?

I'm pulling the trigger...

For the last 6 months or so, I have been experiencing very common symptoms of endometriosis. I am not going to go into details on exactly what those symptoms are because some of you I know in real life and even after all of this infertility crap, I still have a little bit of pride left.

However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.

I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.

After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.

For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.

The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.

Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.

I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.