January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.
February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.
March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.
April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.
May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.
June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.
July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!
August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.
September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.
October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.
November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.
December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!
*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A lot can happen in a year
So, a year ago this very night, I was the happiest woman on the earth, lying in bed next to my husband with his hand expectantly resting on my belly. We were on top of the world. We saw our very first BFP!
For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.
One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.
After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.
We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.
A lot can happen in a year
For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.
One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.
After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.
We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.
A lot can happen in a year
Sunday, May 31, 2009
If it's not one thing...it's another
Apparently tender ovaries aren't always a good thing. Every time I felt my ovaries getting tender during a Clo.mid cycle, it was always reassuring to me. It meant that they were doing something.
Well...that isn't always the case.
I went to the Dr. on Friday for my Day21 check. The ultrasound showed a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. This isn't the type of cyst that goes away on its own. The kind that requires us to take a month off of fertility treatments...nope. This cyst requires surgery. (Just a warning...don't goo.gle Der.moid cyst - the pictures are disgusting) I keep referring to it as my alien.
I am disappointed beyond belief, however we are getting a second opinion. We have decided to fork out the money to our previous RE and have him do an ultrasound. For one, I think my GYN is a crackpot. Note to self: find a new one. Second of all, I trust my RE and I would like to have an ultrasound done where I can ask questions during the u/s and get some answers! So my RE is supposed to call on Monday to set up an appt.
Also, my GYN said that they did not see any follicles on my u/s. First of all, the u/s tech did an external u/s to begin with. I am not a Dr. but I am pretty sure you have to have an internal u/s to look for follicles don't you? She ended up doing an internal u/s as well because she could not find my left ovary. It was at this time I started to get really excited because I saw on the screen 3 or 4 big black holes on each ovary. However, she didn't measure them. When we were doing artificial insemination and I had follicle checks, that is exactly what they looked like. Big black holes. So here I am thinking that we have a good chance this month. When I saw the NP - she said they really didn't see any follicles. WHAT? How can that be? Again, I am not a Dr., but I am PRETTY sure I know what I saw. So...a second opinion it is. I am not going to sign a consent for another surgery until I have someone who knows what the heck they are doing give me their opinion.
So I am feeling a little defeated, but we are going to continue doing OPK's (haven't ovulated yet) and see what this month will bring. So far 2009 is not turning out much better than 2008.
I was so hopeful
Well...that isn't always the case.
I went to the Dr. on Friday for my Day21 check. The ultrasound showed a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. This isn't the type of cyst that goes away on its own. The kind that requires us to take a month off of fertility treatments...nope. This cyst requires surgery. (Just a warning...don't goo.gle Der.moid cyst - the pictures are disgusting) I keep referring to it as my alien.
I am disappointed beyond belief, however we are getting a second opinion. We have decided to fork out the money to our previous RE and have him do an ultrasound. For one, I think my GYN is a crackpot. Note to self: find a new one. Second of all, I trust my RE and I would like to have an ultrasound done where I can ask questions during the u/s and get some answers! So my RE is supposed to call on Monday to set up an appt.
Also, my GYN said that they did not see any follicles on my u/s. First of all, the u/s tech did an external u/s to begin with. I am not a Dr. but I am pretty sure you have to have an internal u/s to look for follicles don't you? She ended up doing an internal u/s as well because she could not find my left ovary. It was at this time I started to get really excited because I saw on the screen 3 or 4 big black holes on each ovary. However, she didn't measure them. When we were doing artificial insemination and I had follicle checks, that is exactly what they looked like. Big black holes. So here I am thinking that we have a good chance this month. When I saw the NP - she said they really didn't see any follicles. WHAT? How can that be? Again, I am not a Dr., but I am PRETTY sure I know what I saw. So...a second opinion it is. I am not going to sign a consent for another surgery until I have someone who knows what the heck they are doing give me their opinion.
So I am feeling a little defeated, but we are going to continue doing OPK's (haven't ovulated yet) and see what this month will bring. So far 2009 is not turning out much better than 2008.
I was so hopeful
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Back with a plan
Well friends, I am back. I am still a little uncertain of our future, but I am back. Pace and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about where we are and where we will go from here. I have really been thinking about just quiting it all to be honest with you. I am tired of the Dr. appointments, I am tired of peeing on things, I am tired of getting crushed every month, I am tired of feeling depressed and most of all I am tired of missing out on life.
Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!
So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.
We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.
Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL
So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!
Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!
So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.
We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.
Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL
So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Silent One
I am writing this blog as a response to a comment I received today on my blog. I don't believe I have ever gotten a comment from this person before and she put a lot of information that I feel the need to respond to in her comment. So - The Silent One, I hope you read this and that you will get a better grasp on who I am and what this blog is about after reading this post.
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Ok...can I catch a break?
I still haven't gotten a positive ovulation test. In fact...now they are all one line only. So I am thinking that either I didn't ovulate...or I missed the ovulation. Either way...this cycle sucks.
I started taking Prom.etrium last night just in case and will test in a week to see what we have...although I am pretty sure I already know.
After this cycle we are going to do at least two cycles without Clo.mid. I will still take OPK's and try to do this the old fashioned way. I am not very optimistic, but my body (and my mind) just need a break. Especially with the holidays coming up. Me+Holidays+Clo.mid= Blood Bath.
So we will take at least Nov. and Dec. off and then will probably go see a new RE at the beginning of the year. Hopefully we can find one that is a little closer to home (and cheaper) than the RE we used to see.
It's nice having a plan and I am really looking forward to the break. This last cycle of Clo.mid really freaked me out! LOL
My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and in that conversation she told me about the sonogram she had yesterday. She is 18 weeks along and is having another baby girl. She had 2 girls now one that is 4 and the other 2. Her 2 year old has down syndrome so they are monitoring the new baby very closely. The first symptom of the 2 year old having DS was that her kidneys were dilated in-utero. My sister found out that the new baby's kidneys are dilated as well. This does not mean she has DS, but it is a little concerning for my sister. She and her husband have chosen not to have an amnio or any further testing done (other than the norm). So, please pray for them. Either way they are going to love this little girl, I just ask that you pray for peace and patience as this is a very nerve wracking time for her right now.
My other sister is 22 weeks along and they have chosen not to find out what they are having.
Man Christmas is going to be awesome (insert sarcasm here)
I started taking Prom.etrium last night just in case and will test in a week to see what we have...although I am pretty sure I already know.
After this cycle we are going to do at least two cycles without Clo.mid. I will still take OPK's and try to do this the old fashioned way. I am not very optimistic, but my body (and my mind) just need a break. Especially with the holidays coming up. Me+Holidays+Clo.mid= Blood Bath.
So we will take at least Nov. and Dec. off and then will probably go see a new RE at the beginning of the year. Hopefully we can find one that is a little closer to home (and cheaper) than the RE we used to see.
It's nice having a plan and I am really looking forward to the break. This last cycle of Clo.mid really freaked me out! LOL
My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and in that conversation she told me about the sonogram she had yesterday. She is 18 weeks along and is having another baby girl. She had 2 girls now one that is 4 and the other 2. Her 2 year old has down syndrome so they are monitoring the new baby very closely. The first symptom of the 2 year old having DS was that her kidneys were dilated in-utero. My sister found out that the new baby's kidneys are dilated as well. This does not mean she has DS, but it is a little concerning for my sister. She and her husband have chosen not to have an amnio or any further testing done (other than the norm). So, please pray for them. Either way they are going to love this little girl, I just ask that you pray for peace and patience as this is a very nerve wracking time for her right now.
My other sister is 22 weeks along and they have chosen not to find out what they are having.
Man Christmas is going to be awesome (insert sarcasm here)
Monday, October 13, 2008
Whew....I'm glad that's over!
Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!
Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.
October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!
I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.
I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.
I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.
However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.
October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!
I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Quickly losing my grasp
I started this blog over 2 years ago to help me deal with my IF. I needed an outlet to vent and just get all the crap out there and whoever decided to read it could...and if no one read it that was ok too.
At the time that I started this blog, Pace and I had been trying for 1 year and 9 months. I named this blog "My grasp at sanity" because I was just entering that stage of IF where IF consumes your entire life. It consumes your thoughts, your conversations, your money, your emotions...everything. I knew that the road was only going to get worse and at times I would feel crazy, so I thought the title was very fitting.
I had no idea how fitting it really was...until recently.
I haven't blogged lately because I have been in some sort of emotional hell. Right after my miscarriage I started having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that would literally make me scream out loud. Over the last couple of weeks they are more frequent...almost every night. The theme changes, it isn't the same dream, it is always different. It makes me scared to go to sleep at night. I don't WANT to have nightmares. I don't WANT to see what I see in my dreams.
My anxiety levels have just skyrocketed. I have panic attacks and always think of the WORST situations. For example: We went quading a couple weeks ago in the mountains, my husband went out riding with one of his buddies and I stayed at camp with the rest of our friends. However, I couldn't relax and just enjoy my friends...my mind was racing with horrible thoughts. I could see Pace rolling the quad and severing his leg, flying off the road and off of a cliff... you name it, if it is horrific and terrifying...I thought it. I ended up in a full blown, hyperventilating, shaking, pounding heart, anxiety attack. It is ludicrous for me to think these thoughts but I just can't help them. They consume my mind.
I have irrational fears. Pace was working nights this week and I couldn't even take a shower while he wasn't home. I tried, but all I did was frantically stare out the shower door looking for the boogey man. When I tried to wash my face, I flew into a panic attack when I had to close my eyes.
I feel like I have totally lost the old Nichole.
I am so different now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, am always looking for the other foot to drop.
I know that I should go to therapy and be medicated for my anxiety attacks, but I don't want to take more medicine. I already take enough and I don't want to take anything that might screw my body up and push my dream of being a mother even farther away. I just needed to vent to my cyber buddies out there. I just needed to let you know what is up with me right now.
I am quickly losing my grasp on sanity. The sanity that I feared losing over 2 years ago, it is now becoming somewhat of a reality. If I only knew 2 years ago what I know now.
My last Clo.mid pill is tonight and then I will start taking Prom.etrium a day or two after I ovulate. So hopefully I can get a week or so in between the two where my already unstable emotional state isn't being influenced by medication.
At the time that I started this blog, Pace and I had been trying for 1 year and 9 months. I named this blog "My grasp at sanity" because I was just entering that stage of IF where IF consumes your entire life. It consumes your thoughts, your conversations, your money, your emotions...everything. I knew that the road was only going to get worse and at times I would feel crazy, so I thought the title was very fitting.
I had no idea how fitting it really was...until recently.
I haven't blogged lately because I have been in some sort of emotional hell. Right after my miscarriage I started having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that would literally make me scream out loud. Over the last couple of weeks they are more frequent...almost every night. The theme changes, it isn't the same dream, it is always different. It makes me scared to go to sleep at night. I don't WANT to have nightmares. I don't WANT to see what I see in my dreams.
My anxiety levels have just skyrocketed. I have panic attacks and always think of the WORST situations. For example: We went quading a couple weeks ago in the mountains, my husband went out riding with one of his buddies and I stayed at camp with the rest of our friends. However, I couldn't relax and just enjoy my friends...my mind was racing with horrible thoughts. I could see Pace rolling the quad and severing his leg, flying off the road and off of a cliff... you name it, if it is horrific and terrifying...I thought it. I ended up in a full blown, hyperventilating, shaking, pounding heart, anxiety attack. It is ludicrous for me to think these thoughts but I just can't help them. They consume my mind.
I have irrational fears. Pace was working nights this week and I couldn't even take a shower while he wasn't home. I tried, but all I did was frantically stare out the shower door looking for the boogey man. When I tried to wash my face, I flew into a panic attack when I had to close my eyes.
I feel like I have totally lost the old Nichole.
I am so different now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, am always looking for the other foot to drop.
I know that I should go to therapy and be medicated for my anxiety attacks, but I don't want to take more medicine. I already take enough and I don't want to take anything that might screw my body up and push my dream of being a mother even farther away. I just needed to vent to my cyber buddies out there. I just needed to let you know what is up with me right now.
I am quickly losing my grasp on sanity. The sanity that I feared losing over 2 years ago, it is now becoming somewhat of a reality. If I only knew 2 years ago what I know now.
My last Clo.mid pill is tonight and then I will start taking Prom.etrium a day or two after I ovulate. So hopefully I can get a week or so in between the two where my already unstable emotional state isn't being influenced by medication.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
CD1...Finally
AF finally came today. Praise God I can put this cycle behind me and move forward. So...in four days I will start Clomid again and see what happens.
I am scared. I am anxious. I am excited. I am grouchy. I am terrified.
I don't know if my heart can handle much more. But at least I can move forward.
Oh...and I am gaining weight again. Last Oct. I started taking Met.Formin and lost 35 pounds. Since my miscarriage I have gained 8 back. WTF??? I haven't done anything different...but I am packing the pounds on again. I HATE THIS!
I am scared. I am anxious. I am excited. I am grouchy. I am terrified.
I don't know if my heart can handle much more. But at least I can move forward.
Oh...and I am gaining weight again. Last Oct. I started taking Met.Formin and lost 35 pounds. Since my miscarriage I have gained 8 back. WTF??? I haven't done anything different...but I am packing the pounds on again. I HATE THIS!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Impossible to Please
I decided this morning as I was getting ready for work that I am impossible to please. (and my husband would probably agree)
Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)
So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).
I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!
I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!
I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:
DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy
I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!
Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)
So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).
I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!
I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!
I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:
DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy
I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Wow Wow Wow
I logged on today and realized that
1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.
So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!
There, now I can move on to other business.
I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.
Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.
For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.
1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.
So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!
There, now I can move on to other business.
I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.
Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.
For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
So Sorry...
I am so sorry I have not updated. Seriously I thought I was going to have to check myself into a white padded rubber room. I am not sure if I can blame it on the Clo.mid or the overall hormone stuff or what, but I have been extremely emotional and moody. I can't wait to actually feel like myself again!
I tested on 12DPO cause I am a glutton for punishment. negative
I tested on 14 DPO. negative
I was devastated once again. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for this cycle...my period started on it's own, I ovulated...I really am grateful, but I just so wanted this to be the month for us!
On a positive note, my friend T came in from Texas on Friday. It was so good to see her! We caught up for a few hours and then the three of us (Pace, T and myself) went out to watch fireworks. We got back to the house kind of late, so we all crashed out.
Saturday was the day of my birthday party. It was so much fun! Not too many people came, but the ones that did had a great time. We rented a karaoke machine and it was a huge HIT! We swam for a while and then sang even longer. Many incriminating photos and videos were taken and fun was had by all.
On Sunday Pace, T, myself and a couple of friends went tubing down the Salt River. This is a huge thing to do here in AZ, however I am not a fan of wild water at all. I have heard some horror stories about the parties and the nudity and such and was actually pretty nervous about the whole event, but I went. I can now say that I am glad I went...but will never go again. It was ok, but it was really hot, there were WAY too many stupid drunk people and I smashed my arse into a huge rock in the rapids that has left a huge purpley, green bruise on my right butt cheek.
We got home from the river and I had to take my friend T back to her in-laws. It was so sad, I didn't want her to go. She and her hubby will be here in Oct. for her husband's R&R and I can't wait to see them again! I so wish they would hurry up and move here already. Hopefully once her hubby gets back from Iraq the will move here.
As soon as I got home from dropping T off...AF rang the doorbell. That's right folks...two months in a row she has come on her own. A fricken miracle!
I am currently on Day 3 and will start 100mg of Clo.mid in 2 days. I am NOT looking forward to another Clo.mid cycle and am not happy at all that I have to take it again. Pace said he has already rented the straight jacket and is ready...I wish I was as ready as he is.
Again, I really apologize for being MIA but I was totally obsessing and literally going crazy over the whole 2WW thing. I am really going to try not to do that this month. It so isn't worth it and I just miss feeling like myself again!
Thanks for those of you that checked up on me! You guys are the best and are totally the reason I had enough nerve to post a new blog today! I will fill you in on how 100 mg of Clo.mid treats me in a few days.
I tested on 12DPO cause I am a glutton for punishment. negative
I tested on 14 DPO. negative
I was devastated once again. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for this cycle...my period started on it's own, I ovulated...I really am grateful, but I just so wanted this to be the month for us!
On a positive note, my friend T came in from Texas on Friday. It was so good to see her! We caught up for a few hours and then the three of us (Pace, T and myself) went out to watch fireworks. We got back to the house kind of late, so we all crashed out.
Saturday was the day of my birthday party. It was so much fun! Not too many people came, but the ones that did had a great time. We rented a karaoke machine and it was a huge HIT! We swam for a while and then sang even longer. Many incriminating photos and videos were taken and fun was had by all.
On Sunday Pace, T, myself and a couple of friends went tubing down the Salt River. This is a huge thing to do here in AZ, however I am not a fan of wild water at all. I have heard some horror stories about the parties and the nudity and such and was actually pretty nervous about the whole event, but I went. I can now say that I am glad I went...but will never go again. It was ok, but it was really hot, there were WAY too many stupid drunk people and I smashed my arse into a huge rock in the rapids that has left a huge purpley, green bruise on my right butt cheek.
We got home from the river and I had to take my friend T back to her in-laws. It was so sad, I didn't want her to go. She and her hubby will be here in Oct. for her husband's R&R and I can't wait to see them again! I so wish they would hurry up and move here already. Hopefully once her hubby gets back from Iraq the will move here.
As soon as I got home from dropping T off...AF rang the doorbell. That's right folks...two months in a row she has come on her own. A fricken miracle!
I am currently on Day 3 and will start 100mg of Clo.mid in 2 days. I am NOT looking forward to another Clo.mid cycle and am not happy at all that I have to take it again. Pace said he has already rented the straight jacket and is ready...I wish I was as ready as he is.
Again, I really apologize for being MIA but I was totally obsessing and literally going crazy over the whole 2WW thing. I am really going to try not to do that this month. It so isn't worth it and I just miss feeling like myself again!
Thanks for those of you that checked up on me! You guys are the best and are totally the reason I had enough nerve to post a new blog today! I will fill you in on how 100 mg of Clo.mid treats me in a few days.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Clo.mid...you are a tricky drug!
OK...I know I haven't updated but to be honest I don't know what to say without sounding like a rambling idiot.
I finished my Clo.mid on June 6th. By that time I was VERY uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode any second and I was so tired I could barely function. I was emotional and overall just a mess. So, per my dr.'s orders I began taking OPK's on June 7th, the day after my last Clo.mid.
It was positive.
At first I got really excited...it had actually worked! and worked well! My ovaries were not near as swollen or uncomfortable, so it must be true! I was so excited!...then all the years of pessisimism (thank you infertility) kicked in and I started telling myself that there is no way it worked that fast and that well. Something must be wrong. So I got on Dr. Google and my fears were confirmed. "Clomid can cause false postives on OPK's if OPK is taken within a few days of the last dose of Clomid."
Well, my OPK was positive the day after my last Clomid. So...I HAVE NO IDEA! I continued taking OPK's and haven't gotten another positive yet. So it has been a week and a half of going back and forth...was it a true positive....or a false positive?
Did I really "O"?
It couldn't have worked...
yes it could have...
why couldn't it have worked?...
Because I have been trying for 3 and a half years damn it...that's why.
Psssst....it could have been a true positive...
Arghhhhhh
So...I have decided to treat that positive as a "true" positive AND continue taking OPK's just in case. So...if that was a true positive, I am officially 11DPO (days past ovulation).
I am REALLY trying not to "make up" symptoms, but my body is really tricky! I have had cramps the last couple of days, and am fighting a headache today (which I rarely get). So here I am looking into these symptoms when they probably aren't symptoms, thinking that maybe they are symptoms and I just can't wait for Saturday to be here so I can test.
But...
At the same time I don't want Saturday to come...ever. I am so scared to test. What if it is negative? I am not prepared to deal with another negative test. I am not prepared to tell my husband that another month has failed, I am not prepared to tell my friends and family that another cycle failed. I am not prepared to tell my husband that we will have to spend MORE money on IF.
I am just unprepared
and my head is splitting
and I am so nervous!
Please Lord, let this be the month, let this be the month that you bless us with a baby.
I finished my Clo.mid on June 6th. By that time I was VERY uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode any second and I was so tired I could barely function. I was emotional and overall just a mess. So, per my dr.'s orders I began taking OPK's on June 7th, the day after my last Clo.mid.
It was positive.
At first I got really excited...it had actually worked! and worked well! My ovaries were not near as swollen or uncomfortable, so it must be true! I was so excited!...then all the years of pessisimism (thank you infertility) kicked in and I started telling myself that there is no way it worked that fast and that well. Something must be wrong. So I got on Dr. Google and my fears were confirmed. "Clomid can cause false postives on OPK's if OPK is taken within a few days of the last dose of Clomid."
Well, my OPK was positive the day after my last Clomid. So...I HAVE NO IDEA! I continued taking OPK's and haven't gotten another positive yet. So it has been a week and a half of going back and forth...was it a true positive....or a false positive?
Did I really "O"?
It couldn't have worked...
yes it could have...
why couldn't it have worked?...
Because I have been trying for 3 and a half years damn it...that's why.
Psssst....it could have been a true positive...
Arghhhhhh
So...I have decided to treat that positive as a "true" positive AND continue taking OPK's just in case. So...if that was a true positive, I am officially 11DPO (days past ovulation).
I am REALLY trying not to "make up" symptoms, but my body is really tricky! I have had cramps the last couple of days, and am fighting a headache today (which I rarely get). So here I am looking into these symptoms when they probably aren't symptoms, thinking that maybe they are symptoms and I just can't wait for Saturday to be here so I can test.
But...
At the same time I don't want Saturday to come...ever. I am so scared to test. What if it is negative? I am not prepared to deal with another negative test. I am not prepared to tell my husband that another month has failed, I am not prepared to tell my friends and family that another cycle failed. I am not prepared to tell my husband that we will have to spend MORE money on IF.
I am just unprepared
and my head is splitting
and I am so nervous!
Please Lord, let this be the month, let this be the month that you bless us with a baby.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Day 4
So I am still exhausted. Seriously! Pace went out with some friends last night to watch the basketball game. I was supposed to go but my glands are so swollen (as are my ovaries) and I was just too tired. So I opted to stay home. So I went to the store, bought chocolate ice cream and two celebrity magazines and headed home.
I put on my pj's, curled up on the couch and didn't move the rest of the night.
Today I am still exhausted, I am looking forward to relaxing in my pool catching some rays this weekend. Not a care in the world.
Tonight is my last Clo.mid. Then it is time to start POAS (Peeing on a stick) to look for the big "O". Which reminds me that I need to go to the store to pick up some sticks for my O kit.
I am not being monitored by a dr. right now (as far as going in for ultrasounds) I was jut directed to take the pills and look for "O". Which is good since I have another $1500 to pay until my deductible is met and these dr. bills are KILLING me!
I put on my pj's, curled up on the couch and didn't move the rest of the night.
Today I am still exhausted, I am looking forward to relaxing in my pool catching some rays this weekend. Not a care in the world.
Tonight is my last Clo.mid. Then it is time to start POAS (Peeing on a stick) to look for the big "O". Which reminds me that I need to go to the store to pick up some sticks for my O kit.
I am not being monitored by a dr. right now (as far as going in for ultrasounds) I was jut directed to take the pills and look for "O". Which is good since I have another $1500 to pay until my deductible is met and these dr. bills are KILLING me!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Holy Hormones!
Yeah, some of the symptoms have hit. The biggest one though is TIREDNESS! I just can't get enough sleep. I am exhausted morning, noon and night. I thought at the beginning of the week that I was just tired from the weekend, but it hasn't gotten any better. Only worse.
I don't remember tiredness being a side effect, but so far that is the main one I have had and for the time being I am going to blame it on the Clo.mid. I can feel my ovaries swelling, so the Clo.mid must be doing something down there.
I have only had one crying spell so far. I totally broke down last night when I came home and the house smelled like cigarette smoke. (I know, I know) Poor Pace, I am sure he is thinking that when I do get pg this is what he is going to have to deal with and may be having second thoughts. :-)
He was good though, I had to leave the house for a while to try and compose myself which backfired because it just made me cry more and made me more tired. When I got back home Pace just held me and let me cry which is exactly what I needed.
I am also still fighting strep throat. I was feeling really good for a couple of days, but then yesterday my left tonsil blew up and hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks. I am so tired of having a sore throat! I have a few more days on my antibiotics and if something doesn't change quickly...I will be back at the dr. Which I am sure will result in a tonsilectomy. Grrrrr
I don't remember tiredness being a side effect, but so far that is the main one I have had and for the time being I am going to blame it on the Clo.mid. I can feel my ovaries swelling, so the Clo.mid must be doing something down there.
I have only had one crying spell so far. I totally broke down last night when I came home and the house smelled like cigarette smoke. (I know, I know) Poor Pace, I am sure he is thinking that when I do get pg this is what he is going to have to deal with and may be having second thoughts. :-)
He was good though, I had to leave the house for a while to try and compose myself which backfired because it just made me cry more and made me more tired. When I got back home Pace just held me and let me cry which is exactly what I needed.
I am also still fighting strep throat. I was feeling really good for a couple of days, but then yesterday my left tonsil blew up and hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks. I am so tired of having a sore throat! I have a few more days on my antibiotics and if something doesn't change quickly...I will be back at the dr. Which I am sure will result in a tonsilectomy. Grrrrr
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
We Started!
So, I took my very first Clo.mid last night. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I don't think that was related to the Clo.mid, I think it was due to my crazy, hectic weekend.
Saturday morning Pace and I went to pick up the pavers for our backyard, fire pit project. We have excavated 100 square feet of our hard clay soil and have spread paver sand for the foundation of our fire pit. Granted, we didn't get any of the pavers laid, but at least they are at my house.
Then Pace and I started getting ready for the Kenny Chesney concert. And by getting ready I mean drinking and freshening up. (Don't worry my MIL drove us to the concert and picked us up) We had SO MUCH FUN! Oh my goodness, if you have any opportunity to go to this concert, YOU MUST! Keith Urban was my favorite, but Kenny was awesome as well, it was just such an awesome concert. It lasted 8 hours! It started at 3 and got over at like 11:30 pm! Fun was had by all and I will post pics when I get them downloaded.
Then on Sunday my MIL, little sister, Pace and I hung out by the pool almost all day. I think we were in the pool by 10:00 am and I didn't get out until 3:00 pm. Needless to say, I am a little burnt and EXHAUSTED! I had so much fun, but am just exhausted!
So, I feel really tired, but I think that is just from trying to recover from the weekend, not the Clo.mid. I am REALLY hoping that I continue to NOT have any symptoms from the Clo.mid as I am already a pretty emotional person...I DON'T need anything to magnetize that! LOL
Saturday morning Pace and I went to pick up the pavers for our backyard, fire pit project. We have excavated 100 square feet of our hard clay soil and have spread paver sand for the foundation of our fire pit. Granted, we didn't get any of the pavers laid, but at least they are at my house.
Then Pace and I started getting ready for the Kenny Chesney concert. And by getting ready I mean drinking and freshening up. (Don't worry my MIL drove us to the concert and picked us up) We had SO MUCH FUN! Oh my goodness, if you have any opportunity to go to this concert, YOU MUST! Keith Urban was my favorite, but Kenny was awesome as well, it was just such an awesome concert. It lasted 8 hours! It started at 3 and got over at like 11:30 pm! Fun was had by all and I will post pics when I get them downloaded.
Then on Sunday my MIL, little sister, Pace and I hung out by the pool almost all day. I think we were in the pool by 10:00 am and I didn't get out until 3:00 pm. Needless to say, I am a little burnt and EXHAUSTED! I had so much fun, but am just exhausted!
So, I feel really tired, but I think that is just from trying to recover from the weekend, not the Clo.mid. I am REALLY hoping that I continue to NOT have any symptoms from the Clo.mid as I am already a pretty emotional person...I DON'T need anything to magnetize that! LOL
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)