Clo.mid...you are a tricky drug!

OK...I know I haven't updated but to be honest I don't know what to say without sounding like a rambling idiot.

I finished my Clo.mid on June 6th. By that time I was VERY uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode any second and I was so tired I could barely function. I was emotional and overall just a mess. So, per my dr.'s orders I began taking OPK's on June 7th, the day after my last Clo.mid.

It was positive.

At first I got really excited...it had actually worked! and worked well! My ovaries were not near as swollen or uncomfortable, so it must be true! I was so excited!...then all the years of pessisimism (thank you infertility) kicked in and I started telling myself that there is no way it worked that fast and that well. Something must be wrong. So I got on Dr. Google and my fears were confirmed. "Clomid can cause false postives on OPK's if OPK is taken within a few days of the last dose of Clomid."

Well, my OPK was positive the day after my last Clomid. So...I HAVE NO IDEA! I continued taking OPK's and haven't gotten another positive yet. So it has been a week and a half of going back and forth...was it a true positive....or a false positive?

Did I really "O"?

It couldn't have worked...

yes it could have...

why couldn't it have worked?...

Because I have been trying for 3 and a half years damn it...that's why.

Psssst....it could have been a true positive...

Arghhhhhh

So...I have decided to treat that positive as a "true" positive AND continue taking OPK's just in case. So...if that was a true positive, I am officially 11DPO (days past ovulation).

I am REALLY trying not to "make up" symptoms, but my body is really tricky! I have had cramps the last couple of days, and am fighting a headache today (which I rarely get). So here I am looking into these symptoms when they probably aren't symptoms, thinking that maybe they are symptoms and I just can't wait for Saturday to be here so I can test.

But...

At the same time I don't want Saturday to come...ever. I am so scared to test. What if it is negative? I am not prepared to deal with another negative test. I am not prepared to tell my husband that another month has failed, I am not prepared to tell my friends and family that another cycle failed. I am not prepared to tell my husband that we will have to spend MORE money on IF.

I am just unprepared
and my head is splitting
and I am so nervous!

Please Lord, let this be the month, let this be the month that you bless us with a baby.