Thursday, February 26, 2009

Four Years

Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.

We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.

Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.

Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.

*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.

My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!

Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!

Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!


Hoping for our own Peanut said...

happy anniversary! i hope you will be snuggling a baby on your 5th!

Erin said...

Wishing you and Pace a happy 4th. It's truly a blessing.

Teri said...

I just wanted to let you know that we've been through the same thing...wondering why God would allow something so cruel as a miscarriage to happen to us after we've been trying and praying for so long. And lately, I've been reading Job a lot...and I feel like him. I feel like God and Satan have been having a conversation and God said "fine, you can bend her until she feels like she is going to break, but I know she's my child and you will NOT win her over" and that's why I keep fighting...just like Job did. He lost it all, but remained faithful. Send me a message on the group if you need to talk!

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

You may not like what I'm about to say but it's whats got me through this past week after having my 4th m/c.

Even if you don't get your dream of becoming a Mum, at least you will have a wonderful man by your side who obviously loves you so completely.

I know that if we never become parents, at least we have each other and that WILL be enough...

Congrats on 4 years! I remember when we hit 4 years, I thought it seemed like forever but we're coming up to 9 years this year and to be feels like we only got married yesterday!


p.s. Bec rocks because she comes from my part of the world LOL, we ALL rock in Perth!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Happy anniversary!! Praying that you will have a little one to hold soon.

And I just tagged you for something.


~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Ello gorgeous...

It's your lucky day, I've just nominated you for a Honest Scrap Award....check it out here: