Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Support Groups...

Well my is CD4. Good on one hand that AF came on her own, sad that she had to come at all. So, we are out for the month of December and honestly...I needed the break! I am still using the fertility monitor, and if I "O" on my own, not only would it be a miracle, but at least we will be prepared.

We have an appt. with our RE on Dec. 6th to discuss what our next steps will be. I am leaning towards Folli.stim, trigger shot and either TI or IUI depending on what our RE thinks. I already have all of the meds I would need for a few cycles, so we are ready to go in January.

I don't think I have shared this bit of news with you all, but I have volunteered to take over the local RESOLVE Infertility Peer Led Support Group. The current facilitator is moving out of State and she asked me if I would be interested in leading the group. I am very excited, the first meeting where I will be facilitating is next week and I am really looking forward to it. This is where you all come in...I would like to have some information/guides etc. to help the group members get through the holidays. So...if you have any literature/website/insight etc. would you kindly leave me a comment. This is always the hardest time of year for me especially this year knowing that we should have two lovely children to share the holiday season with this year.

Thank you in advance for your help! I will update you on our RE appt. as well!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Not this time

We are out this month...I have officially had 10 days of "medium" fertility on my monitor, without a surge. This is our fourth Fem.ara cycle and it seems to be a pattern. The first Fem.ara cycle I "O'd" on CD18, the second I had 12 days of medium fertility, no ovulation with what I am almost 100% sure were cysts, the third cycle I "O'd" on CD16 and this least 10 days of medium fertility, no ovulation and I am pretty sure I have cysts again.

So...where do we go from here? We go back to the RE on Dec. 6th for a consult. I am pushing to do Foll.istim, trigger and either TI or IUI, but we will see what the RE thinks. Depending on when AF shows, we may take the month of Dec. off, or we may just jump in with both feet and go for it.

To update you all on my niece, she is doing as well as can be expected. She did have to get a platelet transfusion yesterday, and after that she was feeling much better. She has been able to hold down a little bit of food, but not much. She doesn't play independently right now and really just wants to be held all day. These are all perfect examples of why we offered to take their youngest for a while, so my sister wouldn't feel so stressed trying to accommodate the needs of both girls.

I won't be on or blogging until after we get back from our vacation. It is supposed to be -15 there at night! BRRRRRRR! This AZ lizard is going to have some adjusting to do!

I wish you all safe travels, and a wonderful holiday. I know that this time of year can be really hard for us infertiles, so please be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and remember that you are not alone, and your pain is justified!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Delays and Dilly Dallies

Today is CD15 and no movement on the monitor as of yet. I am really hoping that this month isn't another annovulatory month. Those just SUCK.

If it is in fact an annovulatory month, I am not sure what we will do in Dec. In one sense I am sick of dumping $160 down the drain for fertility meds when I am not even ovulating, on the other hand, our other options are much more expensive.

I guess we will just wait and see what happens in the next week. A delayed "O" wouldn't be too bad as we are traveling to my FIL's for Thanksgiving and I REALLY don't want to have to test when we are there. So, I guess if my "O" is delayed a day or two (which it seems to be if it comes at all) it will actually be for the best.

I am not sure how much I will be blogging in the next couple of weeks. My niece (21 months old) is coming to stay with me and my sister (that lives a mile away) for at least a month while her older sister has her last month of very strong cancer treatment. The treatment is probably going to cause her to be very ill, and we have offered to take my younger niece, so that my sister can just concentrate on being there for Melia. My heart goes out to my sister - she is one of the strongest women, with the strongest faith I have ever met!

If any of you are the praying type - extra prayers for my niece and the entire family would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Here we are again...

The holidays...

Last weekend signified the beginning of two very difficult months with three even more difficult holidays in them. I am beyond sick about having to go through another holiday season with no children of our own. As if seeing my fb news feed FLOODED with all of my friend's and family's adorable children dressed up in their costumes wasn't bad enough...I know that this is only the beginning.

I am feeling very forgotten lately. So many people I know are pregnant right now. A lot of them are fellow IF's and for that I am extremely excited for them, but it leaves me feeling very isolated. I joined an IF chat board about 5 years ago and at the time, it was full of IF's that were trying for #1. It was a very comfortable place, with so much support and love. It is still a place with support and love however out of the 100+ women that are on this board, there are 3 or 4 of us that are still trying for #1. It is SO HARD! Some of them are now pregnant with #3 and I just don't feel like I belong there some days.

I believe I told you all that I was seeing a life coach. She is also IF and so she was absolutely wonderful for me! She was a person that "gets it" ...well, she is pregnant. I am elated for her, but again it just made me feel like one more person was leaving me behind.

I suppose that is why I am not blogging as much either. So many of you have had your happy ending and I am still here. Of course I am ecstatic for all of you and it is nice to hear of the success stories, but again, I feel left behind.

I have had so many people ask me, why have you been trying for 6 years and haven't done IVF? Well, there are lots of reasons:
1. We don't have the money nor do we have ANY IF insurance coverage
2. I have been pregnant twice (once with Clo.mid, and once completely naturally)
3. I have endured 2 surgeries which required us to take time off from TTC
4. We don't have the money
5. We had decided to adopt (prior to most recent pg) and therefore, weren't TTC
6. We have had mixed diagnosis as to what exactly our problem is and therefore the best way to treat it
7. We don't have the money

Do you see a pattern here? Yes, there are lots of reasons, but the BIGGEST reason is money. Which is why I am even more bitter. Since when did MONEY decide how I would build my family? Meanwhile, some of my money is going to pay for daycare, meals and insurance for those families that can't afford it. What about my family?

I used to love the holidays. Now I hate them. I love my family, but the stress of being around everyone is just too much sometimes. If you will remember, me and two of my sisters' were pg at the same time. Their children are now 2 years old. I should have a 2 year old right now. Instead I have two babies in heaven and none in my arms.

I hate the holidays. I hate feeling like the huge white elephant in the room. I hate that I want to burst into tears every time I hear a heartwarming story about someone's kids. I HATE it when people (even IF people) tell me that I am young, and I have plenty of time. Sure, I may not be in my late 30's or early 40's, but IT ISN'T GETTING ANY EASIER THE OLDER I GET. After trying for 6 years and two dead babies, my stats aren't exactly looking that great so take your stupid platitudes and shove them!

Ok, that was harsh, but I had to get that out of my system. I know people mean well, I know that they are trying to be encouraging. I am just not feeling very encouraged right now.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sushi it is...

nuff said.

Waiting for AF so we can do this whole damned thing all over again.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

New Tradition

Ok - hopefully we don't have to do it long enough to really be considered a tradition, but I came up with a new idea to tell people if the cycle worked or if it didn't.

First of all, only my blogger friends, my chat board friends, my mother and one other friend know that we are cycling and where we are in our cycle. It is just easier to keep it quiet rather than have people ask "Have you tested yet?", "When are you going to test?" etc. is what we have decided. If the pg test is negative - we will go out for Sushi and Beer for dinner that night...if the pg test is positive, we will go out for a nice Steak and Dessert. So...we will announce on fb (because it is code and most people won't get it), on my blog, on my chat board, to my mom and to my friend that we are having Sushi, or Steak. That is it, end of story. Don't ask questions.

I am really liking this. Sushi is my all time favorite food and I have been known to be fond of beer too, so it is a perfect meal to make me feel a little bit better about another BFN...Man I wish I would have thought of this 5 years ago! Think of all of the sushi opportunities I have missed! Tuesday...I will announce what's for dinner! Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I actually ovulated this month! Woo Hoo! So we are officially in the 2ww. I started doing meditation this morning and found that it has really helped my energy and my mental focus. Helped me get started on a positive note rather than a negative one. I am looking forward to repeating this meditation every day throughout the 2ww to help me get through.

This is the month that I would have given birth to the beautiful child we lost in February. My heart aches and my stomach ties into knots when I think about how this year started. The surprise pregnancy, the sound of the heartbeat...then...the miscarriage. The devastation, the anger, the confusion. I can't believe it has been 8 months since then.

We were invited to a costume party this weekend and I am SO excited! I know I haven't posted pictures lately (like the ones from Mexico I keep promising) but our laptop broke, so I am using the company computer to blog. (on my own time) :-)

My BIL and his girlfriend are moving here in 3 weeks. They will be staying with us for a little while until they find a place of their own. It will be wonderful having them back here. I love his girlfriend and really look forward to spending some quality time with both of them!

We have our trip planned for Thanksgiving! We are heading North hopefully to see some snow! We will be visiting my FIL and his wife in some of the most beautiful country I have every seen! I am very excited, we haven't visited my FIL in 2 years, so this will be a very welcome reunion!

Well...that is a little catch up on me. I haven't posted a lot in the last few months, but mostly because I am tired of posting about negative stuff. So...if I can't think of anything positive to say...I just walk away from the computer. I hope none of you feel abandoned, or that I have given up on the blog, I just need some space. I need to consume my thoughts and energy towards something more positive than infertility.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

On to another cycle

We are finally ready to start is CD2. I will start Femara tomorrow and see where the roller coaster ride of this month will take us.

I have been a complete emotional wreck for the last week. Saturday morning Pace and I took my niece to breakfast for her 16th birthday. When we went to pay, I realized that Pace had left the coupon on the table and when I went back to get it, the table had already been cleared...I literally had to fight back the tears...seriously? It was only a $5 off coupon!

It just went downhill from there.

Spent most of the day yesterday crying...for no definitive reason...just needed to cry I guess.

I have had a lot of pressure on my plate with work, DH is discussing some major career changes that are totally freaking me out, we have 3 trips coming up in the next 3 months and have no idea how we are going to pay for them, my BIL and his GF are going to be staying with us for a while until they find a place to live here and there are no set plans for that yet (i.e. are their two dogs coming with them as well? How long do they plan on staying etc.) I am very excited for them to move here, but I just need some of these questions answered, my niece is struggling health-wise and it is so hard to live so far away from them.

I guess this has all just come crashing down on me all at one time and I finally lost it.

I am feeling a little better today, am going to take the morning off to run some errands and get some things done around the house.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Update from a bad blogger...

Ok, since I had two lovely ladies check up on me today :-) I figured I should probably pull my head out of my rear and post.

I have just been in a funk. I didn't realize how hard the BFN was going to hit me...until it hit me so I have spent much of this cycle trying to deny the fact that we are doing a treatment cycle and so far that has worked for me. Denial sometimes is a great thing.

I am on CD19 and have had 8 straight days of "medium" fertility on my CBEFM...I don't know what that is all about, but I am pretty sure I won't ovulate this month. I am also pretty sure I had a cyst rupture on Saturday from my left ovary. If you haven't experienced hurts like a biatch! If the pain had lasted any longer or had gotten any worse, I would have had DH rush me to the ER.

We went to Mexico for our friends' wedding over Labor day weekend and I don't think I have ever had so much fun! We met some wonderful new people that I think will be friends of ours for a very long time! I seriously didn't want to leave and I was the one that was scared to go down there in the first place!

So that is the update for the month - kind of pathetic, but it is what it is (DH's favorite saying) Still no baby, no BFP...we are nearing 6 years of trying to conceive (holy shit!) and I feel like a broken record. Same story...different month...

Monday, August 23, 2010


Nuff said...enjoying my pity party for the day, waiting for AF and then away we go again....

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Me...or the progesterone?

Maybe I'm losing it...or maybe it's the progesterone...It's 10dpo and I have been on progesterone supplements for 10 you understand that I am probably clinically crazy ritht now.

Anyone who has been on progesterone supplements, knows blows. There is nothing fun about causing your body to feel pregnant when in fact, it very well may not be pregnant. It is the ultimate of mind games and it causes me to laugh.

Yep - actually laughing out loud. Why? Because it sucks, it is hard, it is ridiculous and I am out of tears, so I laugh. I laugh at how completely shitty IF is. I laugh about how taboo it is. I laugh at how sucky the entire situation is.

Pace and I were watching TV last night and a commercial came on trying to raise awareness and money for military children that have autism. The statistics stated that 1 in 88 children in the military are born with autism. Now...I don't have children with autism, I don't have a family member with autism, I do have a dear friend with a son with autism, but I have no real personal experience with autism. However, I think that I am able to be empathetic. I am not scared to talk about autism, not afraid to learn about it, to educate myself or even to try to understand the struggles that both the child and the parents deal with every day.

Unfortunatley this same empathy is not as easily given to those struggling with IF.

After seeing this commercial, I looked at Pace and said "1 in 88 children have an organization and a commercial raising money for their cause and a 1 in 8 community (infertility) has nothing." Really just doesn't make sense to me.

When was the last time you saw anything (outside of Resolve and a few bloggers in our IF community) trying to raise money, raise awareness and get the word out about our diseases? Where is the fundraising for research to try and figure out early diagnostics of IF (PCOS, DOR, autoimmune issues, endometriosis and so many more) which will enable early treatment and possibly salvage the fertility of thousands of people?

I'm sad that in my community of "In real life friends" I have very few that understand, very few that want to talk about our infertility, very few that educate themselves on our particular cause of infertility and even fewer that care to try to empathise. It is incredibly lonely, very isolating and that is why I am so grateful for each of you. Most of you that I have never met, most of you I never will, but I will always feel this wonderful bond to each and every one of you. The Sisterhood of Infertility. I think it is stronger than any Greek sisterhood in college!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tough Week

This blog was written last week, was meant to be posted last week, but it struck me with such emotion, I decided it would be better to post it after the week had past. After I had time to get some distance (and perspective) on it. I thought it was fitting to post it today as we go into the weekend of testing.

This week is especially hard for me. On August 9th, 2008, we found out we were pregnant, on August 15th, 2008, we found out we had lost the baby. That week was the happiest and the most devastating week of my life. It is proving to not get much easier.

We are cycling again which is exciting and I can't help but think that it is a good sign that I got my first peak day on my CBEFM on August 9th, 2010, however I refuse to get my hopes up. It is this constant battle of staying optimistic and realistic at the same time. This is a battle that I rarely win.

I refuse to listen to my body during this 2ww. I am not going to allow myself to buy into phony pregnancy symptoms only to be crushed at the end of this 2ww. Pace and I were texting back and forth today and he wrote "Just think, you may be becoming a mommy as we text" yes dear I might be...I wish I had your optimism.

However, the fact is...I already am a mommy. To two babies that I never got to hold, never got to feed, never got to express my love to.

There are few things worse than being a mommy with no children.

My angels are forgotten

No one knows what this week means to me

No one understands how hard this week is

No one recognizes me as a mommy, maybe if I had been farther along in my pregnancy. Maybe if I was showing before I lost the baby, people would remember. But I wasn't...and they don't. My angel babies, although very young when they went to heaven were just as much babies to me as a full term baby and they made me just as much a mommy as any other child could.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The 2ww...again

Well, I have finally ovulated and we are officially in the 2ww.

I am excited

and terrified.

Hopefully the next 2 weeks will go fairly quickly and we can move on whatever the outcome may be.

Pace and I went camping this weekend with some great friends of ours and had a blast - it was exactly what I needed. If I could afford it, I think I would move up to the mountains and live out of a travel trailer for the remainder of the 2ww!

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

How do you know you made the right choice?

There have been so many times over the last couple of weeks where I wanted to sit and blog, but I just couldn't come up with anything to really say. I have been up, I have been down, I have been all around emotional.

cycle update: today is CD14, still no ovulation and no darkening of the infamous "second line" on the OPK either. I am doing both the CBEFM and the regular internet cheapies - and so far no change. I am usually a late "O'er" so I kind of expected this, but it seems that each day that goes by with no change, I get more discouraged.

I have found myself questioning our decision on continuing treatment. Is this the right choice? This questioning has been compounded by two wonderful couples that were certified to adopt around the same time we were receiving some amazing news. One of the couples brought home their very handsome baby boy on July 4th and the other couple just received news this week that they were matched and might be parents NEXT WEEK! This is amazing and I am completely over the moon for both of them! It does make me wonder if we made the right choice.

Unfortunately finances are really pushing the decisions for us and although I know I could borrow the money for adoption, I would really like to avoid this. I just wonder if we had continued with the adoption process, would we be closer to being a mommy and daddy right now? I am really going to have to do some "thought work" around this and try to figure my emotions out.

I also wanted to update you all on my niece. As you know, she was diagnosed in June with leukemia. The first month of treatment was gut wrenching, torturous and terrifying. We almost lost her three times, however I am happy to announce that she is officially in remission and has moved on to the second phase of treatment. They were finally able to install her semi-permanent port which she receives her chemo through and life has returned to some state of normalcy for my sister and their family. She is still having some trouble walking, but every day she is getting a little bit stronger and has even ventured out to play with her sisters for short amounts of time each day. This is a HUGE improvement in comparison to where she was a month ago.

August is a very bitter month for me. August 9th, 2008 I found out we were pregnant for the first time. The joy and elation I felt that day was indescribable. On the flip side, the devastation I felt a week later as I miscarried was just as indescribable. In addition, at the end of this month, we will have officially been trying to conceive for five and a half years. So much has happened and so much has changed during this time. I am definitely not the same person (for better or worse) than I was then, nor will I ever be the same person again. I am permanently changed and I just have to be ok with that.

Pace and I are going camping with some great friends this weekend and I am so excited. They are a wonderful couple with two wonderful boys (they are older 9 and 11) and I am really looking forward to a relaxing weekend under the stars with my husband.

I have to go now, but I wanted you all to know that even though I may not be posting much, I am reading and commenting and supporting you all in your journeys. Thank you for still being here and for the continued support that you have given me.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


That battle of psychological warfare is finally over. Today is CD1

Didn't have to start the prov.era which I am grateful for!

I have been reading a lot of blogs this week (ICLW week ya know) and I have made up my mind that I am going to become more involved with advocating for infertility rights. I used to be pretty good about it in the beginning, but I guess after 5 years, I just lost steam. I will write a blog about my ideas on how to spread the word and stomp out ignorance soon.

So we are here, our first fertility treatment cycle in ...well...a while. I am so thankful that DH and I have the strength to go down this road again. I hope it is worth it!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Psychological Warfare

There is only one thing I hate about being infertile more than the actual act of being infertile. That is the psychological warfare that goes along with it.

I especially struggle now because I have been pregnant twice. The first pregnancy was during a Clo.mid cycle, the second was completely un-medicated and unexpected. Both ended the same...miscarriage.

The first miscarriage I was very passive with the doctors, I just didn't believe that after everything we had gone through, that this wouldn't "just work out". Well, it didn't and they believe that progesterone (or lack thereof) is the cause.

The second pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was 6.5 weeks along - about as far along as when I lost the first baby. This time I immediately called the doctor, I demanded that they check my progesterone even though the dr. did not believe in progesterone therapy. The one thing I did not do is request a rush on the tests with a phone call the same day informing me of my progesterone numbers. So a week went by before I got the results and by the time the results came, it was too late. I was beginning to miscarry. My progesterone was 6.4 at 6.5 weeks - not enough to sustain a pregnancy...shit.

So now, I take ovulation tests, if I ovulate, I start progesterone right away, test in 2 weeks, call the RE immediately to have blood drawn and will be considered high risk with close monitoring at least through the first trimester.

There is a problem with that scenario however, I don't ovulate regularly and AF has gone missing again. So over the last couple of weeks when I started having some similar symptoms to when I was pregnant both times before, I tried to brush them aside. I was NOT going to allow my mind to dream this up again. I brushed it aside very well up until yesterday.

By breasts had become so sore, I could literally think of NO OTHER reason other than being pregnant. My mind started going 100 miles per hour. I did the easy fer.tility monitor 2 months ago - never even showed a small rise let alone a smiley face. So I stopped taking the tests when the machine told me too and waited for AF. I am still waiting. I started taking pregnancy tests (the really cheap ones I bought on the internet) last week because of the sore bb's and missing AF. They were all negative.

Yesterday evening I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked DH to pick up some pregnancy tests so I could test in the morning with a higher quality test. Maybe the internet cheapies were bunk.

That is when the psychological warfare began.

Surprisingly enough, I fell asleep rather quickly only to wake up at 12:30 am. My mind started racing. I was trying to convince myself I wasn't pregnant followed by a quick analysis of why I thought I was pregnant.
Then I thought about upcoming trips, holidays and how wonderful it would be to be pregnant during those times.
Then the thoughts of "crap" I haven't been taking proge.sterone, am I going to lose this baby too?
Then "if I am pregnant, I am calling my RE first and then my sister second, I will have her go with me to the RE tomorrow for support."
Then "how would I handle it if this pregnancy didn't work out?"
Then "you stupid girl, you don't even know that you are pregnant, your mind probably made up those symptoms just to "f" with you"
Then "why are you doing this to yourself? After five and a half years you think you would handle this better"
Then "There is no sense in staying up arguing with yourself, go back to sleep"
Then "Oh my heart is pounding I think I am having an anxiety attack."
Then "If you are pregnant, anxiety is not good for the baby, you need to relax."

This psychological warfare went on in my head in the middle of the night for over 3 hours. At 3:45 am I finally got out of bed and POAS. I was exhausted and I just wanted my brain to STOP.


Crawled back into bed, sleep a few hours, got up and cried and now I am moving on.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Long Overdue update

Ok - I have been a crappy blogger and a crappy commenter...I know. There is so much going on right now, I just haven't felt like I could organize it into a well thought out blog. So...her goes a try. I cannot guarantee it will be organized or well thought out, but here it is:

Pace and I went on vacation. First to KS to visit my family (which can be challenging since they all have children) then to San Diego to just relax and enjoy the cool weather. The trip to KS actually went amazingly well. Of course it was hard seeing my niece and nephew knowing that I should have a child that is a month younger than them. It was even more difficult watching my niece take her first steps knowing that I should be reveling in this milestone with my own child. But...I survived.

I spent some wonderful time with my brothers, sisters, cousins and parents. I was relaxed and actually thought about non-IF related things more often than I thought about IF.

San Diego was AMAZING. Ok - it was cold and cloudy. A lot of people complained about that, but not me...I LOVED it! I loved every minute of walking on the beach with my husband and my dogs with a jacket on while looking out into the gray, gloomy cloudy sky. Heaven.

While I was in SD, I got to meet a longtime Internet friend that is on an infertility chat board that I have been a member of for *gasp* 5 years. It was so wonderful meeting her I just can't explain it. She has been such a wonderful friend and supporter over the last 5 years, it was beyond awesome to wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug!

So do you all remember how I was kind of bragging about how regular my cycles have been since my m/c in February? I mean 28-30 cycles are more than phenomenal for me! Well....that wonderful season is over. I am currently on day 56. Grrrrr so frustrating. So we are going to wait another week and then take some meds to bring AF to town. Then...we are moving on to our first Fem.ara cycle in 3 years. Our previous Fem.ara cycle was our very first IUI back in '07. It didn't work - at all. I have much more faith now however because I have my thyroid stabilized and I am on Met.formin. Neither of which was in place when we were doing IUI's before. We will not be doing IUI with the fem.ara, just trying the plain old traditional way.

I started seeing a life coach about a month ago and I can't believe I waited so long. I love her and I love what I am learning about myself! She is a fellow IF, so she absolutely "gets" where I am, where I struggle and how frustrated and out of control I feel. That is an amazing feeling! I am hoping to stare these next cycles right in the face and go forward full steam feeling positive, hopeful and as relaxed as possible.

Thank you to those that are still reading my blog even though I am not very good at updating. I am still reading yours as well, even though I don't comment often enough. The majority of you are pregnant now or have just recently had children which is wonderful, I just hope you understand that sometimes it is difficult to read or comment.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Finally...the Luau pictures

Ok - these are long overdue, but here are some pics of our luau party...

Here is the tiki bar that my wonderful husband built - he is amazing!

Here is the poolside table all decorated ready for the party - oh...and there is one of my dogs too :-)

Here is some of the food. We had won tons, stuffed pastries, party mix, fruit dessert, chips and dip, fresh fruit, Kahlua pork, teriyaki meatballs and banana pie...

Here is the kitchen table with a close-up of the fruit display - I LOVE them!
I promise there were people there LOL but I didn't post pics of the people because this site is so public. We had a wonderful time and although it was overwhelming at times, I think fun was had by all.
TTC update - STILL waiting on AF. After 2 weeks of cramping, this is getting old. Murphy's law - as soon as we are ready to start treatment again - she goes on hiatus. Sometimes she is such a wench!

Friday, June 18, 2010

What drives me to want children?

I recently began to ponder why people decide to have children. Some people choose to not have children and some people are good either way. I am definitely not one of these people…I want children. I want children so hurts. I decided instead of wondering about other people...I would try to figure out myself...“what is it in me that drives me to want children so badly?

I think many people choose to have children because it is the “next step”. They are married or have life partners and feel that children are the next thing that comes in life. This way of thinking is taught as young children with this familiar rhyme:

“First comes Love, then comes Marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”

I know many people that I would put in this category. I know they love their children and are grateful for them, but I believe that when they decided to throw away the birth control and try to become parents, they did so because they liked the idea of being “parents” it was the next chronological life event.

After over five years of struggling with infertility, countless amounts of money spent on fertility treatment, two miscarriages, two surgeries and adoption certification I find myself asking “What is it in ME that drives me to want children so badly? Why do I keep putting myself through this month after month, year after year?”

Is it the fact that it doesn’t come easily? It is a struggle and in a way I want to prove that I can do it. I can beat this and I will not give up until I have succeeded.

Is it because I see all of my friends having children and I am feeling left out? Sometimes it is difficult for me to relate to my friends with children. We have very little in common anymore and I just can’t talk “babies” with them.

Is it because I believe that this is the next chronological event in my life? My husband and I dated, we got married, we bought our first house and now what? The next event in our life SHOULD be having children.

Is it because I feel an obligation to give my parents grandchildren? My parents are wonderful grandparents. They love their grandchildren immensely and it has always been a running thing in our family to see who will have the new baby at the upcoming Christmas? (I am the lone infertile in a family of fertiles) I am the youngest of six and all of my siblings have had children and have completed their families. It was blatantly pointed out recently by one of my sisters that I am the only hope for future grandchildren for my parents.

Is it because I am curious to see what my husband and I’s children will look like? My husband is a strikingly handsome man with a sparkle in his eye that still to this day makes me melt. I find myself fantasizing about what features our children will get from him and what features they will get from me. recently had an application where you could upload a picture of yourself and a picture of your significant other and they will put together a picture of what your future children would look like. I never did this…it is too painful to see what may never be.

Is it because I was born with some mysterious “mother instinct” , some genetic drive to reproduce? As a child I ALWAYS had a baby doll in my arms, “house” was my favorite game to play and I even went as far as to stuff clothes in my shirt to make me look pregnant. Was I just born with this desire and have no control over it whatsoever?

The truth is, I think it is a bit of all of these things. There is a certain amount of competitiveness in me that says “infertility will NOT keep me from having children” and the fact that it is difficult for me to get (and stay) pregnant drives me to the next step, the next cycle.

I do feel isolated from my friends that have children and I dread hearing that new friends are trying to start a family because I am terrified that they will achieve parenthood before me.

I feel having children is the next chronological event in our lives. We have achieved many milestones in our relationship but can anyone tell me what happens after marriage, a career and buying a house?

Being the only sibling in my family without children and the fact that all of them have completed their families, creates an immense amount of pressure for me to now have children. How can I be the only person in my family without children?

I look into my husband’s eyes and wonder, will our children have his gorgeous blue eyes, or my brown eyes? Will they have his freckles or my tan skin? Will they get my almost invisible lips or my husband’s luscious, thick lips?

I have this overwhelming desire to be a mother. I have had it since I can remember. I used to carry my nieces and nephews around all day on my hip. I would feed them, rock them to sleep, change their diapers and I never felt more peace than when they fell asleep on my chest. This was my heaven, my oasis.

I guess in a way being infertile has allowed me the time to really sit back and analyze why I want children. After all, if I were able to have children easily, I would have two live children now and probably trying for a third…there would be no time to think about it…it would just “be”.

Monday, June 14, 2010

What is new...

First of all - my niece is back in the hospital - it has been very touch and go with her over the last 2 weeks. She has an infection on her back now where they took the bone marrow sample last week. They struggled for 4 days to get her blood sugar below 360, but finally got it down to 130 last night. The dr.'s suspect that she is insulin resistant.

She just got out of the OR. They did an MRI to determine if the infection is in her bones or just in her skin - this will make a HUGE difference! They also installed a PIC line for her iv's. She has very small veins and it is EXTREMELY difficult to get an iv in. The one she had in last night failed, and it took them 6 hours to get a new iv in. They finally sent in an OR nurse and she got one it after two sticks.

My family is all exhausted, but we are hanging in there! Thank you all for your kind words of comfort and support!

Pace and I have been participating in some infertility research and would like to share the opportunity for you to participate as well. It only takes about 25 minutes and lets face it - the more research done, the more educated the general public is on what we are going through! Here is the link info:

As far as our IF goes - I feel AF coming on and today is CD27. Pace and I have decided to move on with Fem.ara, so I am going to call my RE today and get a script so we can give this month the best shot that we can. I am very excited to get started on treatment again - I really hope this works!

I know I haven't posted any luau party pics yet, but I will do so...I promise!

Monday, June 07, 2010


First things first - the luau went pretty well. The stress over the last week definitely got to me and I spent some of the time in my room fighting off anxiety attacks, but for the most part, it was a success. I will post pics later.

The more important news. My 4 year old niece "M" was born with down syndrome. Last week she was diagnosed with lymphoblastic leuk.mia. She is a very very sick little girl right now. She was given blood transfusions last week and that helped her feel better until yesterday. She had an appointment this morning with the oncologist to get the treatment plan set up for her, but she was doing so poorly they have admitted her into the hospital again and are moving up the beginning of her chemotherapy to...TODAY.

She was supposed to go in on Wednesday to have a permanent IV port installed as she is looking at about 3 years of chemotherapy to beat this. Her chemo treatments were supposed to start on Wednesday as well, however due to her rapid decline over the last 24 hours, they are moving all of that up and are beginning treatment today.

Forgive me if I am not around a whole lot right now. I am completely terrified and devastated over this news. I live so far away from my sister and nieces, and all I want to do is just be there for them right now.

If you are the praying type, your prayers for my beautiful little niece would be appreciated.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

My momma always told me...

"if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all."

Which is why I haven't been blogging. I have tried to keep up on commenting, but I just haven't had anything "nice" to blog about.

I will go into more detail later once I am more "removed" from the situation and not so emotional, but in a nutshell...since my last upbeat and positive blog this is what has happened:

Family drama
Serious family illness
No ovulation (once again)
Job issues (both mine and my husbands)
Broken garage door
Hurt feelings
You guessed it...
more unexpected pregnancy announcements

Oh...I did think of one nice thing to say...Tiki party this weekend!!! I will be sure to upload pics!

Night night

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Welcome ICLW...Life is A-Changing...

Ladies (and Gents...) I can't believe where my life is now compared to where it was in January of this year. In January we were so on board and motivated to move forward with adoption (not that we aren't now...but we just can't now). I was still working, Pace was working at his previous company, life was pretty good...

Now, life is even better...

We are being blessed in so many ways, I just can't tell you. Now we are continuing to try on our own and hope something happens there, I am no longer working although the opportunity to work from home is starting to come together (Yipeeeee!) Pace has started a new job which requires him to work nights. Yes...being alone at night stinks...but it was so awesome to spend the day with my husband today. We ran some errands, did chores around the house and as we were walking into Home Depot holding hands I asked myself "could life be any better right now?"

Of course the pain and bitterness is still there...every day. However, I am really enjoying where we are now. My body is somewhat doing what it is supposed to and we have agreed that if there is no ovulation this month, we will do Fem.ara again.

We are packing up our spare bedroom next month (we have another bedroom for guests) and taking all of the furniture back to my parents in KS...that's right...we are moving the furniture out to make room for our future nursery. Well for now, it will be a play room for Pace's little sister and a room for the dog kennels, (yes...our dogs are in there kennels ocassionally when we are gone from the house for a while..they actualyl like it in there *yes they told me so*...don't judge) but at least there is some progress and hope that we both believe that SOMEDAY there will be a baby in there whether biological or not...we will be parents and right this very moment...I am ok with that.

However, I make no promises for tomorrow! :-)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Change...times 10

As you have noticed...there have been LOTS of changes in my life recently. I have barely had time to think about IF or TTC over the last couple of weeks and that has actually brought a nice break.

I didn't ovulate last month which was a little disheartening, but the good news is...AF is arriving on schedule. That's right...4 "normal" cycles in a row! My sweet friend (who is currently 14 weeks pregnant after her 8th IVF) donated her Clear Bl.ue Eas.y Fer.tility Mon.itor to me so I am going to give that a try this month instead of my Internet cheapies. I think that will give me a better idea of exactly what my LH is doing and we have decided to pursue Fem.ara again next month if I don't ovulate this month.

Adoption for us is on hold for now. We just don't have the funds to pursue it right now and since everything is so up in the air for us right now, we just can't add that to our plate at this time.

Pace accepted the position at a new company. I am so excited for him. I think this company is going to be able to provide him much more opportunity. He is a little anxious about the move - it is always tough starting a new job - but I know everyone will fall in love with him and he will fit in just perfectly.

I am still in the process of figuring out something to do work wise that will allow me to work from home. At this is looking pretty good. It will probably take 3-4 months for everything to come together and work out, but at least we are moving in the right direction.

Everything is starting to come together for our Second Annual Tiki Party. The tiki bar is almost fixed, the pool is primed and warming nicely, the palm trees are taking off, the grass is green and beautiful, my hibiscus bush had it's first bloom and this weekend we are going to paint the pool deck. This is something Pace has wanted to do for a long time. It is going to be a lot of work, but it will be worth it!

So as you can see, we are busy, but we are doing great. We are taking one day at a time and are grateful for all of the new opportunities that are coming our way.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Funky Monkey

Yes I am still here - yes I have been a crappy blogger.

To say that I am in a funk is an understatement. We got certified to adopt, however I lost my job equals no adoption. We have been very good about not going into debt (other than our house) and I refuse to believe that the only way we can start a family is by taking out a $20,000 + loan.

The previous owner of my company is completely screwing me over on Unemployment making filing much more difficult (not that it is a lot of money I will be getting, but hey...every little bit helps)

DH just took a new job offer. I am very excited for him, he will be making more money, however there is a lot of stress that goes into switching jobs (especially for insurance purposes) I am not cheap (medically) and I know that the 3 months before his new medical benefits kick in are going to be tough. We will make it work, we always do. It is just stressful!

Then there is Mother's Day. It was actually pretty nice because we were driving back from SLC on Mother's Day (a 12 hour drive for us) so I virtually missed ALL of the Mother's Day hub bub. We celebrated with MIL last night and I was cooking dinner in the kitchen I just started to get pissed. Yes I know that in society's eyes I am not a mother, but I am damn it. Just because my two precious ones are in heaven and not here for all to see doesn't mean that I am less of a mom. My mother sent me some BEAUTIFUL lillies for Mother's Day with a beautiful card honoring our angel babies. I love that woman! She gets it and I will never be able to express how much it means to me that she understands. I got a few nice text messages from girlfriends as well wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and that...was that.

No ovulation this month makes Nichole a very bitchy girl. I am terrified that my cycles are messing up again and will all of the stress and change going on in my life right now...I can totally understand why they would.

Being a stay-at-home wife is not what I was cut out to do that is for sure! I have watched Emily a couple days since I have become unemployed, and those days go much better for me. I actually catch myself smiling and enjoying myself when she is around. The days when she isn't here...are tough.

So...I am here, I am reading your blogs, but haven't had the words to comment. I am sorry. I know it is a bit selfish of me, but I wanted you to know that I am here and will resume commenting soon...I promise!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I can now add jobless to my resume...

My company closed it's doors on Friday. I kind of saw it coming, the company has been in financial ruins for the last year or so...but it still stings. I have been with the company for over nine years and it was very bittersweet to see that go. I am working on a few different things that (if they pan out) will allow me to work from home which would be amazing! Then if we did have (or get placed with) a little bambino...I would be able to stay home and still work! Of course until that little bambino is really boring and mind numbing being at home alone all day.

TTC update: no ovulation thus far this month. I am really hoping this isn't the beginning of messed up cycles again. I was actually really geting used to being regular.

Adoption update: There isn't any. We still have not received word on our certification, so I am giong to wait until after this weekend and if I still have not heard anything, I will call.

We are headed up to Salt Lake City this weekend to visit family and it couldn't have come at a better (and worse) time. Better because I am ready to get out of town for a while, but worse financially. I just pray my "working from home" gig comes to fruition soon!

Friday, April 30, 2010

What If>>>

I responded to Resolve and Mel's blog in honor of NIAW a week ago and I have wanted to blog about it like so many other women are doing. However, every time I sit at the computer my stomach turns to knots thinking about my What If. It is dark, It is personal and it is true...which makes it even more personal and pretty terrifying to "lay it out there" for all to read.

My What If is...What if I always feel like a murderer because my body has been unable to support two pregnancies?

Obviously, I know that my previous miscarriages are not considered "murder" by dictionary definition, however I can not shake this feeling that I could have done more. That my losses were direct results of my lack of "action" to save my babies. Which in my mind is pretty similar to murder. I did not do enough to prevent the loss of my babies...let me explain...

With both pregnancies, I was not seeing an RE. The first pregnancy I was not prepared for. What I mean by that is I had focused so much time and energy on GETTING pregnant, I had no idea what to do once I finally got that BFP. I did not know that I needed to have my thy.roid, Prog.esterone and est.rogen tested. I did not know that I should have called in immediately for a Beta with a follow-up in 2 days. I had heard of all these things on my chat board, but those women were going through IVF or IUI's. This was just a simple cycle. (not really turned me into a she-devil) but when you compare it to an IUI or IVF was simple.

Of course I was devastated when I finally went to the Dr. 5 days after my BFP because I was spotting. I didn't know then that spotting was a sign of low prog.esterone....I know that now and I knew that when I got pregnant the second time.

After my first miscarriage I vowed to myself that I was going to be a better advocate for my care and the care of my baby if/when I ever got pregnant again. However, when I found myself pregnant with no treatment completely out of the blue...I found myself unprepared once again.

I did have the foresight to have an ultrasound done by my wonderful friend that is an ultrasound tech at a crisis pregnancy center. Not only did we see our beautiful baby (which really didn't look all that beautiful in society's terms they really do look like blobs at first) but we also saw a flicker of the heartbeat. I was in awe, I was terrified and I was beyond confused.

You see, I am a Christian woman and I truly felt this was our Gift from God (I know all children are, but we FINALLY got pregnant ON OUR OWN after FIVE years!!!) I just wanted to have faith and I wanted to believe that there was no way God would give us this true miracle and rip it away. So I nonchalantly made an appt. with my OB...they confirmed the pregnancy (but did not do an ultrasound). I practically had to force her to do a thy.roid and prog.esterone check. She told me it was unnecessary, but since I persisted...she relented and took the blood. However, I did not push to have the results rushed and called into me the next day. I waited. Wanting to be faithful and I did not want God to think I was un-trusting of Him and His ability to perform miracles.

By the time I got the results of my blood work, I had been spotting for 2 days and my precious little baby was gone when the OB did the u/s.

I feel much more responsible for this second m/c. I should have been MUCH more forceful in getting blood work, Betas and Progesterone supplements going. Immediately upon receiving the BFP, I should have called my RE because I know that OB's have little to NO experience with IF patients. But I sat by...passively and just let the cards fall. Boy did they fall.

My world came down around me once again and this time I had no one to blame but myself. Granted I know that if my progesterone level was at 6.2 when I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant (that is when we found out we were pregnant, I miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks) adding progesterone supplements at that point probably would have been too late, but I had symptoms of pregnancy far before that and just refused to acknowledge them. I thought I was losing my mind and was not going to entertain my body "making up" pregnancy symptoms again.

So here I sit with two babies in heaven and a hole in my heart. The What If's of infertility can literally drive you into the nut house. (I know...I have driven by and actually circled around the nut house many times over the last 5 years)

Today, I am more prepared. I take OPK's every day so that I can be sure to never "miss" ovulation again. I have 6 months worth of Prog.esterone supplements sitting next to my bed so that I can start supplementing as soon as ovulation occurs. I have 50 cheap o pregnancy tests under my bathroom sink so I can freely test as much as I would like and I have my RE's phone number on speed dial on my phone.

This time I am ready...I hope.

There is is blogger deepest darkest "What If" of infertility.


*Click Publish Post*

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I never thought I would be here...

I know two posts in one day...but it finally came to me...the blog that has been swimming in my finally hit me.

I never thought I would be here. Even at the beginning of my infertility journey, I never in a million years would have thought that it would take us (at this point) over 5 years to have a baby.
I never thought I would have two (at this point) babies in heaven before I get one on Earth.
I never thought adoption may be the ONLY way I will be a mommy.
I never thought I would feel comfortable and almost giddy stabbing myself in the butt, stomach and/or thighs with needles.
I never thought I would have to spend so much money trying to start a family.
I never thought I would feel so uncomfortable at family gatherings or even gatherings with friends
I never thought my marriage would be tested to the ultimate degree by IF
I never thought I would feel like a murderer because my body could not support my two sweet angel babies
I never thought I would ever feel this level of guilt
I never in a million years thought that I would feel so helpless, alone, bitter and sad.

I have always been told that everyone has their cross to bear. Everyone has that shitty thing in their life that happens that they just have to deal with. Well...I went through something as a child and I thought for all these years that THAT incident was my cross. That was my trauma in life, that was my huge hurdle. Of course I was not naive enough to think that the rest of my life would be smooth sailing, but I felt that "incident" was profound enough and potentially damaging enough to be my "one thing".

Then IF was thrown on my plate and I am baffled! I have already fought my battle, I have (and continue to) carried my cross, I fought for justice, I forgave, I used the shitty "incident" and became a better person because of it. So...why this now? Haven't I endured enough?

I have been told that God puts us through tests to prepare us for the future...well I can tell you that if he is using the "incident" and IF to prepare me for the future...I am not so sure I want to know what the future holds for me cause I am pretty ain't good.

I much can one person go through?

I never thought I would be here...never in a million years!

Rambling Nichole

I have been pondering this post for a couple of days. I have struggled because I feel like I have a lot to write about, but when I click on the "New Post" button....I have nothing. It is National Infertility Awareness Week and I feel the pressure of having a "profound" and "moving" post, but I am not feeling very profound right now. So for now you are just stuck with the various updates.

First off, the diet. It is going really well. I have found some great recipes that I will continue to make even when we are out of this first phase of the diet. I got a little discouraged last week because Pace is losing weight so much faster than I am and you can actually SEE it on him! I know that guys lose faster, but it is still kind of tough to swallow when I am the one that has all the weight to lose, but it is good motivation to keep trying and to keep trying harder! So far I have lost 11 pounds. I am going to kick up the exercise this week to hopefully speed up the weight loss this week. The unfortunate thing is I have NO IDEA where the weight is coming from! My clothes all fit the same, I am not losing any inches...just very confusing. However weight loss is weight loss so if I really start exercising hopefully I will see more dramatic changes.

I started taking OPK's again yesterday and was pleasantly surprised that for 2 days in a row the lines have been darker than they have been in the last 2 cycles. That is very exciting for me. I started using FMU which may have made the difference I'm not sure. I have heard conflicting answers on when the best time is to take OPK's. I had thought that it was between noon and 2 in the afternoon, but when I got my CBE fertility monitor, it said that it was imperative to use FMU...hmmmm anyone care to weigh in on this?

We still haven't heard anything on the home study front. I am not pressing the issue, just hope we hear something soon.

I spoke to my sister yesterday. It is always great to talk to my sisters. Even though they are fertile myrtles and have dropped the occasional insensitive comment, I love them. If you will recall, two of my sisters had babies last year, when I was pregnant the first time, we were all three pregnant together. 1 sister was due in March, I was due in April and my other sister was due in May...well we all know how that turned out. When I was talking to my sister yesterday she was telling me how her and my other sister are done having kids and in fact my other sister had a procedure to prevent pregnancy and she was considering the same. I guess that part was all fine and dandy, it was her next comment that struck me to my core. She said "So now the pressure is really on Nichole, you are the only hope for future grandchildren." Wow. Thanks. I should have at least one baby by now and I should be 4 months pregnant right now...but lets not bring that up. Let's not bring up the over 5 years of TTC. I changed the subject and told her I had to get back to work.

I know they mean well, I know they don't mean to hurt my feelings, but dang...

We are going on a road trip next weekend! Woo hoo! We are driving to Salt Lake City next weekend to visit Pace's dad, step-mom, Grandma's, brother and nieces. It is going to be a very short trip and a lot of time in the car, but it should be a lot of fun. We have not been in SLC for over 2 years so it will be really nice to see everyone. I am a little nervous to see some of his family because they are not the most sensitive and supportive when it comes to IF, I am hoping the conversation just won't come up and we can all pretend there isn't a HUGE white elephant in the room.

I am pretty open about our IF. I post about it (not in specific details) on my FB and have posted a couple of things this week in honor of NIAW. I have received some amazing responses and have found other people (and distant cousins) that have struggled or who are struggling and I never knew! For me being open about it takes the "taboo" off of the subject. Why in the hell is everyone so scared of talking about it? People talk about other illnesses and diseases openly...why is infertility so different?

That is all I have for this morning...hopefully this "profound" post that is milling around in my head will come to fruition soon...I can feel it brewing...I promise!

I want to close by saying how incredibly blessed and honored I am to call you all my friends. I have no idea where I would be without the support of my blogger buddies. Just knowing that there are people out there rooting for me, that love me in the good times and the bad (and there have been some really bad) is refreshing and humbling. I appreciate every one of your comments and the fact that you take the time out of your day to entertain my life and my rambling thoughts!



Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Not this time...

This cycle was a bust. I actually started spotting on Saturday which was 13DPO, so I stopped taking the progesterone and AF was here full force on Sunday. I spent most of the day on the couch. I just wasn't feeling well. Not physically, emotionally or spiritually.

Yesterday I started the At.kin's diet. I figure that is the absolute best diet I can do with my insulin resistance. I am hoping I can really drop some weight and actually enjoy being in a bathing suit this summer. In addition to helping my chances of becoming pregnant.

I felt so much better yesterday. I had so much energy, didn't feel lethargic at all. It was proof that sugar and carbs are BAD for my body. I felt better yesterday than I had in a long time. I even went on a 2 mile walk with my husband and the dogs last night and was ready to go for more! I got up this morning and was 2 pounds lighter - probably water weight, but I will take it!

I am excited for the weekend, it will be a busy one. We are going to a professional Arena football game on Friday with some friends of ours and then working at a Music Festival on Saturday and Sunday.

More and More people are having babies and I have just started hiding them off of my feed. I am just not in a place to see pictures of their newborns day after day after day.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Bitter Sweet Day

Bitter: As everyone that lives in the US know today is tax day. Usually I am ok with tax day (I usually get money back) however due to a little mess up with our payroll service (and me not catching it) we are not getting money back...we are paying...a lot. So, I was not very keen on waking up this morning to know that a large chunk of money (which had been set aside for our adoption) was being sent to both the State of Arizona and the Federal Govt. *sigh*

Sweet: Today is my wonderful father's birthday. He is such an amazing man, a man of few words, but a man that is devoted to his family no matter what. He worked his butt off to provide for all six of his children and never uttered a complaint. I love him dearly and wish I could be with him today to bake him his favorite cake for his birthday!

Bitter: Today is the 1 year anniversary of my due date for our first Angel Baby. Today I should be honoring and getting giddy over our little one's first birthday. But I'm not. Today I woke up feeling a little sad, a little lonely and very forgotten. No one except for me knows what today is. No one in our family thinks twice about what today means for me. Why would I expect them to? They never "saw" our Angel Baby, after the miscarriage, they never really acknowledged his/her existence.

Some days when I think of our miscarriages, I yearn to know the sex of our Angel Babies. Because at least then we could give them names and make them more "real" to our friends and family. At least then there might be some acknowledgement, some memory. is a very bitter sweet day

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

From The Lushary

The most recent statistics from Resolve state that 1 in 7 (or 8) couples struggle with infertility. Well...I would like an answer to this: My mother is the youngest of six children, my father is the youngest of six children and I am the youngest of six children. I am the only infertile of the bunch. How is that for odds...

I am preparing myself for our trip back home to KS in June for harvest. My siblings and I all return to our childhood home for some good home cooking and some hard work. I used to look forward to this time each year, but now I find myself calculating how many nieces and nephews I will be surrounded by The count this year: 13 (two of them won't be there) That's right...13 nieces and nephews from the ages of 21 all the way down to 1. Just typing that takes my breath away and makes my hands go a little numb.

The fact is, I love my family. We have always been close and I love seeing them all. However, as they have more children and I have more miscarriages, I find that I have less and less in common with them. When we all gather together, they talk about their kids, what they are learning in school, what college they are going to, what sports they are playing, how many words they are saying and what is the newest solid food they ingest...I have nothing to contribute to any of those conversations. It sucks. I feel like an outsider with nothing to contribute.

I am sure they feel a little uncomfortable with me as well. None of them have ever mentioned it, but I am sure the discomfort is there.

This is my blog in response to Stirrup Queen's new game and part of the Virtual Lushary!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Wow what a weekend!

I had by far the busiest and most fun weekend last weekend! We spent time with some awesome friends, stayed up late and just really enjoyed ourselves.

After our last dunes trip we decided to buy a little dirt bike for me. It matches Pace's but is smaller so I can touch the ground when on it. We took it out to the desert right behind our neighborhood where kids have built little jumps and hills for me to really get to ride it and see how I like it...I LOVED IT!!! It is so much better than riding on 4 wheels. I am officially hooked and am very excited to go again.

I officially made it through the first week of my 2WW less than one more week to go! I do have symptoms but I am relating that to the prog.esterone supplements I am on.

We haven't heard anything on the adoption front yet. I am still under the impression that we should be certified by the end of the month.

Plans are in the works for our Second Annual Luau Party! Last year we combined that party with my birthday, but this year we wanted to do it earlier so it wouldn't be so hot. I am SO excited! Two of my favorite people in the world will be visiting from Hawaii and will be able to attend, so I have to really make this one feel more authentic than last years.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Protect Family Building Rights in AZ - PLEASE HELP!

Dear Friends - Arizonian's need your help. There are two anti-family bills that are in the very last stages of being passed into law in AZ. We need all the signatures we can get to keep these from becoming law and basically ruining the ART community in Arizona. Please help!!! Here are some bullet points of what will happen if these bills are passed:

SB 1306: Instead of banning egg donation directly, the bill takes a more indirect route. It imposes unprecedented and unnecessary informed consent requirements. The penalties are severe: if a physician does not follow the new rules to the letter, he could wind up losing his license to practice medicine, being convicted of a Class 1 misdemeanor (the most serious class), and face 6 months in prison. SB 1306 also casts other common medical practices into question: Will physicians be allowed to freeze and thaw eggs for preservation, a common practice? Can physicians screen for genetic defects? Can new specialists and embryologists be trained? The physicians in the infertility practices believe these practices will no longer be legal. Physicians will no longer treat patients who need egg donation as a means to build their families in Arizona, driving these couples out of state to seek treatment.

SB 1307: The second bill, SB 1307, also contains provisions that threaten infertility patients, mainly through vague terms that make it unclear what treatments doctors can safely perform and which ones could land them in jail. Most flagrantly, this bill could forbid embryo cryopreservation (freezing) – which would dramatically alter how reproductive medicine is practiced and would cause harm and hardship to patients.The bill makes it criminal to harm an embryo in the course of "nontherapeutic research" -- but leaves it very unclear whether ordinary IVF embryology lab techniques could be classified as such illegal research.

The penalty for harming an embryo is steep: a minimum of 6 months in prison, and up to 1.5 years. The point of the legislation – to make it undesirable to practice reproductive medicine in Arizona and to drive the doctors and clinics out.

“The medical community working in this field strongly believes that [SB 1307] would prohibit:
• Practices that allow embryologists to screen embryos for genetic disease. Some genetic conditions can actually be removed from an embryo prior to transfer.
• Practices such as Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis that select only healthy embryos from genetically challenged couples, avoiding miscarriage and health risks.
• Screening to select only the most viable embryos for transfer allowing doctors to transfer one or two embryos. This reduces the need for multiple embryos that lead to high-order multiples and premature birth.

"With a class 6 felony and loss of license to practice, no physician in Arizona would dare take that chance. They would no longer be able to help Arizona couples have families. These unintended consequences will drive businesses out of Arizona, and force couples seeking this treatment to go elsewhere [if they can].

Please sign this petition to let the AZ legislators know you oppose these bills.

Protect Family Building Rights in Arizona

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

2 Months later...

My dear blogger friends. It has been exactly 2 months since we found out we were pregnant with our most recent angel baby. For some reason, looking back on where I was 2 months ago led me to want to share this blog that I had started, but then never posted (because of the miscarriage) I wanted to share everything with all of you, but I was so terrified to get my hopes up at the time (for good reason apparently) is the blog that I started:

I am not even sure where to begin this post. Just to let you know, I started this post on February 11th, 2010 knowing that I had no idea how long it would be before I posted it. The thoughts and emotions are so fresh right now that I had to start writing it and I trusted that God would show me when the time was right to publish it. It is going to be very long, but I am going to journal it by days. Please feel free to quit reading whenever you need to.

My dear friends Pace and I discovered on February 6th, 2010 that we are pregnant. After 5 years of infertility, after IUI's, after Clo.mid cycles, surgeries, a miscarriage and deciding to pursue adoption, we conceived...naturally.

When we first found out of course we were ecstatic, however at the same time there was so much anger, confusion and fear. I was angry because I had let this part go. I had let go of the pregnancy desire and focused my mind on adoption, it was all planned out. I am confused because I don't understand why after so long, so many trials and tribulations, why now? (I will tell you what I think the answer to that question is in a moment) I am terrified because I don't know if I can survive another miscarriage. I am scared to tell people, but at the same time I want to shout it from the rooftops.

We saw an OB on Tuesday the 9th. According to her everything looks good. Our first u/s is scheduled for 2/16 we can determine at that time exactly how far along I am. Since I haven't had a period since October, it is obviously impossible to know how far along I am. The OB did a pelvic exam and based on that she thinks that I am somewhere between 6-8 weeks along.

I wanted to tell you all immediately. However, I had to be sure that this pregnancy was at least viable before I said anything. Obviously as I write this, I know the pregnancy is viable, however I don't want to make any official announcements until we at least have our first u/s.

Here is how I came to take a pg test: Somewhere around the 14th of January I started noticing tenderness in my breasts. I thought that I was just getting ready to start my period and dismissed it. The tenderness got worse and continued. Then the last week of January I started I again thought "Ahh...AF is coming" Of course pregnancy was in the back of my mind, but I kept it there. I thought my mind was just playing tricks on me and that I was maybe going a little crazy. Finally on February 6th, after AF had not shown her face and my breasts were still sore, I decided to test. When I saw the two lines I actually had to go get the directions out of the pg test box because I just didn't believe that it was positive!

I have definitely started having morning sickness, in fact I have been sick all week although I have only thrown up once. I have had no spotting to date, although I do have some intermittent cramping which I am assuming is my uterus stretching. I have only 3 pairs of pants that I can wear right now. I sit at a desk all day and it is very uncomfortable to sit in tight pants!

That is wasn't long after that I miscarried and once again lost myself. I changed, never to be the same. I am not necessarily worse...just changed.

Monday, April 05, 2010

I have a lot to share. I have had a very busy weekend and actually a pretty emotionally draining weekend too.

I took Friday off so I could share some alone time with Pace. We have been so busy lately, I feel like we haven't really had any quality time together. So Friday morning we shooed the momma bird off of the nest (at the suggestion of the lady at the aviary). We saw one egg and one baby. The baby actually was pretty big I was very surprised. It's eyes were open, so it had obviously hatched a week ago or more, but since the parent birds were sitting on the nest to keep the baby warm and to feed, we never saw it.

We had built a "faux" nest (using the same little twigs that the original nest was made by) in a small Easter basket and put the actual nest with the baby in it on top. The baby was not making any noises which concerned me. I was told that the parent birds would find the baby by the chirping...except the bird wasn't chirping.

Pace and I watched the parent birds for about 4 hours and sat by hoping and praying they would find the nest. We left to run some errands and when we got back we were very disappointed to see that they still had not found the nest. By sundown I knew it was going to be too cold for the bird through the night, so Pace and I put a heating pad on top of the Easter basket to hopefully bring some heat to the baby through the night. It was at THIS point the baby started chirping and I started bawling...I knew the baby wasn't going to survive the night without it's parents, and it was dark out so I knew the parents wouldn't be back till in the morning. I was right. The baby died all alone in the cold all because we had to move the stupid nest.

I have been thinking a lot about the "signs" that have been thrown my way since these birds came into our lives. Right now it seems like a lot of symbolism between them and our miscarriages. The first one didn't live long enough to really "hatch" and the second one died because I didn't do enough for it quickly enough. I was a total and complete emotional wreck.

Saturday morning Pace had an appointment to go skydiving with one of his best friends. It was actually a lot of fun and he had a GREAT time! This was his first jump, however I am sure there will be plenty more to come! I may even join him next time!

Sad to say...yesterday was just another day for me. We don't go to church on Easter. Too many adorable children and just way too difficult for us. Last year we decided to do an annual hike and balloon release. Well, we didn't do it this year. I didn't feel up to it and Pace was severly dehydrated so we relaxed around the house yesterday, had dinner with my MIL and SIL and that was it and called it a day.

Yes I am a Christian and yes I am grateful for the reasoning for celebrating Easter. However recently I am finding it very difficult to feel close to Him, to hear Him and to trust in Him. My faith is most definitely being tested in everyway possible.

I believe I ovulated yesterday. I didn't do my OPK's on Friday or Saturday because I didn't have them with me and I wasn't at home at the time I needed to do them. However...yesterday morning I had MAJOR ovulation pain on my left side and when I did the OPK yesterday the second line was darker than it had been all month eventhough it still wasn't positive. (So I am thinking I missed the surge which correlates with the ovulation pain I felt yesterday.) so I am considering this 1DPO and started the Prog.esterone supplements last night.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

No progress

So the dove eggs still haven't hatched and I am trying to figure it out. Today is day 21 of the eggs living on my truck, the mother and father birds are still sitting on the nest religiously, however the eggs are supposed to hatch in 14-17 days so what gives????

To those of you who thought this was a "sign" what do you think now?

I am beginning to wonder if the eggs are even viable - wouldn't that be a sick twist - 2 non-viable eggs that represent our 2 miscarriages. Two doting bird parents who have not given up on these eggs and continue to sit day and night - represent Pace and I's 5+ year journey to become parents - unsuccessfully.

Anyone want to take this one on and give your opinion? My ears are wide open!

I am definitely calling the bird lady today though because we HAVE to use that truck this weekend (my husband is going skydiving) I have no idea how I am going to survive watching him jump out of a plane at 12,000 feet...I just can't even think about it. BUT it is something he has wanted to do since I met who am I to hold him back?