Friday, April 30, 2010

What If>>>

I responded to Resolve and Mel's blog in honor of NIAW a week ago and I have wanted to blog about it like so many other women are doing. However, every time I sit at the computer my stomach turns to knots thinking about my What If. It is dark, It is personal and it is true...which makes it even more personal and pretty terrifying to "lay it out there" for all to read.

My What If is...What if I always feel like a murderer because my body has been unable to support two pregnancies?

Obviously, I know that my previous miscarriages are not considered "murder" by dictionary definition, however I can not shake this feeling that I could have done more. That my losses were direct results of my lack of "action" to save my babies. Which in my mind is pretty similar to murder. I did not do enough to prevent the loss of my babies...let me explain...

With both pregnancies, I was not seeing an RE. The first pregnancy I was not prepared for. What I mean by that is I had focused so much time and energy on GETTING pregnant, I had no idea what to do once I finally got that BFP. I did not know that I needed to have my thy.roid, Prog.esterone and est.rogen tested. I did not know that I should have called in immediately for a Beta with a follow-up in 2 days. I had heard of all these things on my chat board, but those women were going through IVF or IUI's. This was just a simple Clom.id cycle. (not really simple...Clom.id turned me into a she-devil) but when you compare it to an IUI or IVF cycle...it was simple.

Of course I was devastated when I finally went to the Dr. 5 days after my BFP because I was spotting. I didn't know then that spotting was a sign of low prog.esterone....I know that now and I knew that when I got pregnant the second time.

After my first miscarriage I vowed to myself that I was going to be a better advocate for my care and the care of my baby if/when I ever got pregnant again. However, when I found myself pregnant with no treatment completely out of the blue...I found myself unprepared once again.

I did have the foresight to have an ultrasound done by my wonderful friend that is an ultrasound tech at a crisis pregnancy center. Not only did we see our beautiful baby (which really didn't look all that beautiful in society's terms they really do look like blobs at first) but we also saw a flicker of the heartbeat. I was in awe, I was terrified and I was beyond confused.

You see, I am a Christian woman and I truly felt this was our Gift from God (I know all children are, but we FINALLY got pregnant ON OUR OWN after FIVE years!!!) I just wanted to have faith and I wanted to believe that there was no way God would give us this true miracle and rip it away. So I nonchalantly made an appt. with my OB...they confirmed the pregnancy (but did not do an ultrasound). I practically had to force her to do a thy.roid and prog.esterone check. She told me it was unnecessary, but since I persisted...she relented and took the blood. However, I did not push to have the results rushed and called into me the next day. I waited. Wanting to be faithful and I did not want God to think I was un-trusting of Him and His ability to perform miracles.

By the time I got the results of my blood work, I had been spotting for 2 days and my precious little baby was gone when the OB did the u/s.

I feel much more responsible for this second m/c. I should have been MUCH more forceful in getting blood work, Betas and Progesterone supplements going. Immediately upon receiving the BFP, I should have called my RE because I know that OB's have little to NO experience with IF patients. But I sat by...passively and just let the cards fall. Boy did they fall.

My world came down around me once again and this time I had no one to blame but myself. Granted I know that if my progesterone level was at 6.2 when I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant (that is when we found out we were pregnant, I miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks) adding progesterone supplements at that point probably would have been too late, but I had symptoms of pregnancy far before that and just refused to acknowledge them. I thought I was losing my mind and was not going to entertain my body "making up" pregnancy symptoms again.

So here I sit with two babies in heaven and a hole in my heart. The What If's of infertility can literally drive you into the nut house. (I know...I have driven by and actually circled around the nut house many times over the last 5 years)

Today, I am more prepared. I take OPK's every day so that I can be sure to never "miss" ovulation again. I have 6 months worth of Prog.esterone supplements sitting next to my bed so that I can start supplementing as soon as ovulation occurs. I have 50 cheap o pregnancy tests under my bathroom sink so I can freely test as much as I would like and I have my RE's phone number on speed dial on my phone.

This time I am ready...I hope.

There is is blogger buddies...my deepest darkest "What If" of infertility.

*breathe*

*Click Publish Post*

10 comments:

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

I love you and no words can express what im thinking. I just want to give you the gift of mother hood. I dont know that gift its self but I hear its great and I know so badly you long for it. I love you girl and cant wait to see you.

keeksaz said...

You're so brave to share that. I hope it provided relief and gave you a big boost. Words are so much scarier floating around in our heads. Obviously it was not your fault. You don't know what you don't know and you can only do what you can do.

Dana said...

I wish I had the words to convince you not to blame yourself!! I wish I knew how to ease your pain!! IF makes us go nuts and blame ourselves b/c of our bodies, but girl you are in noooo way responsible. I know those are just words and can't change how you feel. But I had to say them anyway! I know it was hard to type out and share to everyone how you feel and your deepest thoughts and I am sooo proud of you for doing that. B/c so many of us feel the EXACT same way!!!! You are so special to me and always always always in my thoughts and prayers!!! Please try to not to be so hard on yourself girl!! Sending you lots of love sweety!!!

Angelwingsbaby said...

I just want to hug you!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you "It's not your fault." But, I know that isn't going to take the hurt away. I hope that writing this out helped though. It's important to acknowledge our feelings and fears....

Lauren said...

Just sending you a cyber-hug, Nichole. I know it's so hard, but please don't beat yourself up. And don't lose faith in God's ability to send another miracle....

Lauren

Kakunaa said...

Thank you for sharing...wish you would not blame yourself...things happen. You could not have prevented it, though I know you don't believe that. ((HUGS))

Christy said...

I landed on your blog today and read a little bit (OK, a lot) and we share a similar path (living in Arizona, infertility, 2 miscarriages, adoption {with nearly 2 year old now}).
I know how brave you are to share how you feel at fault for your miscarriages. I felt that way too. However, it SO is not your fault . . . nothing you could have done at those points in your pregnancies would have helped or hurt.
Hugs to you as you wait. I know that wait too.

Hillary said...

(((hugs)))

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Marion said...

It's the first time I'm visiting your blog. I just want to say that you should not feel guilty or like a murderer... There must be a medical reason you had the miscarriages, it's not your fault. I have dear friend who also had 2 miscarriages and eventually she ended up at the right doctor that diagnosed her problem and her little girl is now 9 months old! Please do not give up hope! Happy ICLW!