Monday, June 29, 2009

God bless you dear Sarah

Please give some love to my friend Jess. Her brother's girlfriend went into premature labor last week. She was 20 weeks along. The Dr's rushed her into surgery and did a cerclage. However, she got an infection and they had to take it out yesterday.

Dear Sarah was born yesterday weighing very little and only lived about 5 minutes.

She is now a beautiful angel singing with the Angel Chorus and hanging out with her 4 baby cousins.

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as yet another baby in the family made it to heaven way too soon.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Adoption Orientation

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet cause I don't think I have really processed it enough to REALLY write about it.

The orientation was very interesting, very thorough and VERY HARD. I wasn't expecting the emotions surrounding adoption to hit me like they did. There is so much to consider, plan and decide up on when looking into adoption and I am not sure I am ready for that right now.

Like I said, I need time to process, so I am going to close here, just wanted to keep you update.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Very Difficult Father's Day

This year was particularly hard. Knowing that if we had not lost our baby, Pace would have been able to wake up to his beautiful son/daughter cooing and loving him instead of me making coffee and doing dishes.

It isn't fair and I am not sure I have ever felt more guilty and sad that I can not and may not ever be able to give my husband a biological child. Obviously I know in my mind that it is not my fault, I am not infertile on purpose and I certainly didn't ask for this, but my heart is taking much longer to convince. I thought I was totally over the biological connection thing and for the most part I think I am, but it hurts non-the-less and I am not sure I will ever be completely and totally over the fact that my children don't have his beautiful blue eyes, my skin and his cute little tushy.

This is going to be a rough week. Starting out with a strenuous Father's Day, 2 adoption orientations, Pace working late a few nights and his little sister's birthday party on Saturday (she will be 4). It is going to be a very emotional week.

My pregnant friend came over last Thursday for a visit. The last time I saw her was when she told me she was pregnant (about 5 months ago). It was ok, it was great seeing her, I really missed her but at the same time it was very hard. It was hard to hear her complain about being pregnant (not about being pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, but just how uncomfortable pregnancy is). I simply replied "It will be worth it in the end." I didn't know what else to say. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to keep our friendship as "normal" as possible in this very uncomfortable time. I made her a baby blanket and gave it to her when she came over, she said that I should have waited for the baby shower to which I replied, "I wanted to give it to you now because I don't know if I will be able to attend the shower." She didn't press it or ask any additional questions and I love her for that.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Back from the RE

I have to start off by saying it was SO NICE being back with the RE. They have so much more professionalism, compassion and knowledge than my OB/GYN!

So here is how it went - the cyst is still there, however these are the EXACT words out of my RE's mouth when he saw it. "Ummm...I don't know what to say...I have no idea what that is. It is definitely a "complex" cyst, but I have never seen anything like it." Grrrr

Seriously...that is how my body works. I can't get the "normal" stuff, I have to be a Dr. House episode every time! So he wants me to come back in 3 weeks and check it again to see if it has grown or changed at all (it is 1cm right now). He said that he is pretty sure it is not a Der.moid cyst, but he wasn't sure what it was...maybe blood?

Now here is the thing that surprised me the most. I asked him about my fertility and if we were to resume IF treatments, where he would have me start. I was totally expecting him to say IVF because he is very much a "do whatever it takes and lets start now" kind of guy. After 3 IUI's he was talking IVF and I know women who have done 8, 9, 10 IUI's before moving on. Anyway...he said he wasn't going to speculate anything until he checks my ovarian reserve. He said that my PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Ann.ovulation, Poor stimulation, miscarriage, endo.metriosis and now cysts has him very concerned about my ovarian reserve and does not want to waste time or money on anything else until that is evaluated.

Holy crap! I am only 28 (in a few weeks) can we really be talking about ovarian reserve and menopause right now? I am not going to freak out until we get the results back (July 9th) but dang...I really wasn't prepared for him to say that.

The good news is that they do Embryo Adoption / Transfers there, so we will talk more about that when I see him on the 9th. Of course that is if DH is on board with it. He is not so sure about it right now. I just want to do the research and then talk to the RE and see if he thinks my body can carry a pregnancy. Then we will go from there.

That's all for now!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The world is a spinnin...

Wow - I feel like I am stuck in a whirl wind right now. So many things are happening, so many new things, new ideas and new people in our life!

Pace and I attended our first adoption support group meeting on Monday and instantly fell in love. It was such an uplifting group. We walked out of there with more excitement and hope than we have had in almost a year. We are ready to move forward - genetic similarities no longer matter. We just want to be parents.

We are attending two orientation meetings with local agencies next week. I will call one "CC" and the other "CFC". I spoke to a woman from CFC last week briefly on the phone and told her I would be in contact with her after we attended the orientation. Her name sounded really familiar, but I just brushed it off. Her name came up in the adoption support group meeting as well and again I was struck with how familiar her name sounded. Yesterday it dawned on me. I logged onto my acct. and there she was. A girl that my sister went to high school with that lives in the Phx valley now. We have been friends on for a while, but I had no idea she worked at CFC because I know her by her maiden name...not her married name. I immediately shot her an email and we both laughed at how small the world really is. We both grew up in KS, so the fact that we are both here, that we are looking to adopt and she works for one of the adoption agencies we are considering...VERY small world. Not only does she work for CFC...she is the supervisor of the adoption department! Ha!!!

I had a very dear online friend (and fellow blogger) email me yesterday and offered up an option to me that I had never considered. Embryo Adoption. I just assumed that EA would be WAY more expensive than IVF or traditional adoption which meant that it was out of the question for us. However after doing some research, it appears that isn't the case. I talked to Pace about it last night and we are both on the fence. Although I would love the opportunity to be pregnant, I am terrified of it not working or miscarrying again. We just want to be parents. So...we are going to talk to our RE about it tomorrow when I go see him. I just want to know his opinion on how he feels my body will react to a pregnancy. I think I know what he is going to say, but I am going to wait and see.

It really seems that now that we have let go of the "genetic relation" part of starting our family, the options are really endless. This has put a whole new wind in our sails and new hope in our heart.

For right now we are going to continue to do our research and start the home study process. We are meeting with the pastor that married Pace and I on Thursday as he and his wife are infertile and adopted two little girls a little over a year ago. They are going to share their story and just be an additional support system for us as we transition into this new path to parenthood.

Thankfully my family seems to be very excited and "on board" with the whole adoption thing. Even the EA. I was a little concerned since the majority of my family is Cath.olic, but they were very excited and amazed that EA was even an option medically. My mom immediately started doing research on EA, she found a video on it and is sending it to me. I know that my family just wants us to be parents, but I know my mom really wants me to be able to experience pregnancy too. So we will see which path the Lord walks us down.

Just wanted to keep you all updated!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Ups and Downs

I have had writers block the last little while. I have had much to write about, I thought about writing, but just couldn't. I am having good days and bad days with the adoption stuff. After attending our RE.SOLVE support group meeting last Wednesday, I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue adoption right now. I listened to the women in the group talking about IVF, IUI, egg donor cycles and it made me want to try more.

Then I woke up and realized that I just can't right now. We are ready to be parents now. We already know that adoption will take a year or two to be finalized, and we need to start moving on it now. It doesn't mean I have to give up on fertility treatments forever. We will wait to see what the RE says on Thursday, but we need to move forward. I feel like we have been treading water for 4.5 years and now I am ready to swim.

We are scheduled to attend an adoption support group meeting tonight, we have meetings with two different agencies next week and Pace is looking into what/if any adoption assistance his company offers. (mine offers none, they don't even have paid maternity leave). I am just blown away with how expensive adoption is. I don't know how we are going to come up with the money, but we will do it. Somehow. If I have to sponsor bake sales and yard sales, I will do it!

So, I have my ups and downs. I am occupying my mind elsewhere. I have read one and a half books in the last week, Pace and I are very busy getting ready for the luau we are hosting next month, adoption research, I am in the process of making my friend a baby blanket (she just found out she is having a girl) and overall just enjoying the break from ovulation tests, clo.mid and ultrasounds.

I am so grateful for my friends, my online friends, and my in real life friends. They have been so supportive and loving. I am going to move forward and not look back, I am going to lace up my hiking boots and climb the mountain. I am not going to let this break me, but make me stronger.

God bless you all and thank you for allowing me to be me!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Changing Tides

After I left the Dr. office from my last ultrasound, something inside of me changed. I have given up hope. I am not going to allow myself to have false hope anymore.

We are researching adoption. This is a huge step for us and we are going to take it VERY slowly. At this point we are not completely giving up hope of having biological children, but we are definitely not putting all of our eggs (pun intended) in that basket. We will see what the RE has to say on the 18th and go from there.

I don't feel IVF is for us, at least not at this point. If I am going to spend that kind of money, I would rather spend it on adoption. This is just OUR perspective. Maybe someday if we live in a state with insurance coverage or we win the lottery or something, we would do IVF, but just not right now.

We have our first adoption orientation meeting on June 23rd and plan on attending many more. We are scared, a bit sad and definitely overwhelmed, but we are coming to terms with the cards we were dealt. I am not sure I can handle another "surprise" surgery, another miscarriage, another failed cycle, emotionally I just don't think I can bear it. We have been trying for almost four and a half years and we are no closer today to having a biological child than we were four and a half years ago. We are ok with waiting another two or three years as we go through the adoption process, but I am not sure we could wait another two or three years of fertility treatment.

Again, we are going to wait and see what the RE says before we completely give up on fertility treatments, but for the time being, our focus is going to be on getting my body healthy again and pursuing adoption.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

It's almost Friday!

My appointment with the RE is set for June 18th. I have cancelled my follow up appt. with my ob/gyn for the time being as I do not want to move forward with my ob/gyn.

I have given up on this cycle. Today is CD27 and no ovulation. I'm done. I am having a birthday bash in July so I am just going to focus on that and focus on keeping myself healthy mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally.

I feel like I am just really being tested and I need to stay focused. I become easily distracted and get into this self-pity mode. I hate that mode. (my husband hates it even more) LOL

It has been pretty cool because recently when we do something or see a couple with kids we laugh and say "See...if we had kids we couldn't do X" or "Man...look at them, all tied down with their kids." We both know it is a bunch of BS, but it helps us feel better for the moment.

By the birthday bash is going to be a luau, so if you have any fun (inexpensive) ideas...I am open to any suggestions. It isn't going to be a huge bash, just a few close friends and even fewer family LOL I haven't decided yet if we are going to do adults only. I am sure that would probably upset a few of my friends, and then my little sister-in-law wouldn't be there, but to be honest, I really don't want to be around kids in any fashion at all right now. (Of course that could and probably will change)

That is all I have for now.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Hi Mr. RE....remember me?

We had a long nice relaxing weekend. Most of it spent floating in the pool soaking up the rays! I still have not detected ovulation, but am not giving up hope.

I got a call back from our RE this morning. He is very interested in seeing us and offering a second opinion and said that insurance may even cover it because this visit is not "fertility" related. I looked at the preferred providers list for our insurance and sure enough...he was there, so that is even better news.

I have decided to wait and see what the RE says about this "der.moid cyst" We are going to continue trying to get pregnant and if it happens, we will deal with the cyst. I did a lot of research on this cyst over the weekend, and it should not affect our fertility (providing it doesn't get bigger) and can be removed at a later date. The NP I saw on Friday basically made me feel like I had to bring all TTC efforts to a screeching halt and rush into the OR to get it removed. Not so it seems.

My RE is going to call me back this afternoon to schedule something after they call my insurance and verify if there will or won't be coverage. So for now we are staying the course, trying to keep our chins up and waiting for our second opinion. I feel a certain calm and relief knowing that I will be seeing RE again. At least I know we will be with someone that knows what the heck they are doing!

In addition, I am changing GYN's. I have been toying with this for almost a year, and it is time. I know it is frustrating and draining to change Dr.'s especially when your file is as big as mine, but it has to be done. I can't go to that Dr. anymore feeling like a total piece of meat and having to tell them what kind of medical care I need.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers - Misfit - thank you for sharing your der.moid cyst experience as well. I guess they aren't as rare as I thought! Just one more boulder to climb over...need to tighten up my hiking shoes.