Monday, June 15, 2009

Ups and Downs

I have had writers block the last little while. I have had much to write about, I thought about writing, but just couldn't. I am having good days and bad days with the adoption stuff. After attending our RE.SOLVE support group meeting last Wednesday, I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue adoption right now. I listened to the women in the group talking about IVF, IUI, egg donor cycles and it made me want to try more.

Then I woke up and realized that I just can't right now. We are ready to be parents now. We already know that adoption will take a year or two to be finalized, and we need to start moving on it now. It doesn't mean I have to give up on fertility treatments forever. We will wait to see what the RE says on Thursday, but we need to move forward. I feel like we have been treading water for 4.5 years and now I am ready to swim.

We are scheduled to attend an adoption support group meeting tonight, we have meetings with two different agencies next week and Pace is looking into what/if any adoption assistance his company offers. (mine offers none, they don't even have paid maternity leave). I am just blown away with how expensive adoption is. I don't know how we are going to come up with the money, but we will do it. Somehow. If I have to sponsor bake sales and yard sales, I will do it!

So, I have my ups and downs. I am occupying my mind elsewhere. I have read one and a half books in the last week, Pace and I are very busy getting ready for the luau we are hosting next month, adoption research, I am in the process of making my friend a baby blanket (she just found out she is having a girl) and overall just enjoying the break from ovulation tests, clo.mid and ultrasounds.

I am so grateful for my friends, my online friends, and my in real life friends. They have been so supportive and loving. I am going to move forward and not look back, I am going to lace up my hiking boots and climb the mountain. I am not going to let this break me, but make me stronger.

God bless you all and thank you for allowing me to be me!


Amanda said...

More cycling is always an option... but the time and expense make it so hard to decide.

And adoption is expensive!!! I guess that you will have to figure out how to move forward here, but definitely collect as much information as you can from the different agencies so that you are prepared. And watch out for those that might prey on you.

Good luck finding some peace right now.

babydust81 said...

You have been very strong Nichole. I am so proud of u. Despite ur ups and downs, u have choose to stay positive throughout. I am praying I will one day be as strong as you.

Take care okay n you know I am here for you always if u need a listening ear.

the misfit said...

You know, I think sometimes it works out that adoption is not crazy pricey. I believe foster-to-adoption is much less expensive...but also, I think, if it's meant to be, the money, or an opportunity, will materialize for you. I know what you mean about being dragged back into treatment - I waffle between drawing a line about how much more I will do and thinking that I'll never give up. But you know where you are - more power to you!

Amber said...

I hope your adoption meeting goes well:) I so know the frustration and adoption you seem to have to wait forever and its so expensive but at least it is a guaranteed return:)

Just curious what agency you are possibly using? We are still in the early stages of the adoption route as well.

Jess said...

Decisions, decisions...I think we will always wonder if we chose the right one and I don't think you will truly know until you hold your baby. Whether it be adoption or IF treatments (you've already done clomid and IUI-I'm referring to your resolve meeting and you questioning yourself), once that sweet baby is in your arms, you will know you made the right choices.

Personally I think your making some smart decisions...your checking out adoption agencies but your also going to RE, so your keeping your options open. After four years, it is time to swim and I'm hear if you feel like your going to drown! I love you girlie!

Jess said...

Lauren said...

Good luck, Nichole. I know the waiting is just the worst. I'm glad you're keeping your mind occupied. Hey, it's summer! Enjoy every day. :)