Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A little break

I just wanted to write and thank each and every one of you that supported me on my last post! I will never be able to express the thanks for having such a wonderful support system online! You ladies are the reason I have made it this far. Which brings me to my next point...I am taking a little break. I won't be posting for the rest of the week at least. I will be reading your updates and posting, but I won't be posting.

I feel like I am at a crossroads. Maybe it is just the weather, or hormones, or lack of hormones or any number of things, but I have really been thinking a lot about our options. I am tired ladies, tired of so many things, and honestly I am just not sure if I can continue on this path of Trying To Conceive much longer. I need to fall into my husbands arms and really contemplate our future with each other. I am allowing myself this week while he is out of town again to really think about where we have been, where we are know and where we want to be in the future.

I will be here supporting you all and reading your posts, I just wanted to say thank you so much for being such great friends to me and I will update you all when there is something to update.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Silent One

I am writing this blog as a response to a comment I received today on my blog. I don't believe I have ever gotten a comment from this person before and she put a lot of information that I feel the need to respond to in her comment. So - The Silent One, I hope you read this and that you will get a better grasp on who I am and what this blog is about after reading this post.

I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.

Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.

I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.

God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.

remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.

I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.

Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.

PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.

You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.

ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.

I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.

it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.

I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.

Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.

I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!

Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Always an aunt - never a mom

I am an aunt again.

My sister gave birth to Trinity Ann this morning. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy.

My heart is broken.

All I could think about last night is that she is in the hospital about to be blessed with the most amazing gift that I SO desperately want! It was also a HUGE reminder that I should be next. One sister had her baby in February, now one in March and I was due in April. On Easter Sunday to be exact.

I can't stop thinking about where I should be right now.
I should be doing the finishing touches on the nursery.
I should be finalizing plans to have my parents out here for a week to help with the new baby.
I should be making arrangements to be off work for a while.
I should be having my own baby showers.
I should be preparing my bag to have ready by the door for "go-time"

But I'm not.

I am here trying anything and everything I can to maintain my composure, to look happy, to sound happy and to live life to the best of my ability.

I am just down today.

I love my sisters dearly, but this is now the 4th niece/nephew since I have been trying for my own child. Both of my sisters have had 2 children each since I have been trying for one. It isn't fair and I am pissed.

I am throwing a pity party today and I am giving myself permission to do so. I know the party won't last long, but I am going to enjoy it while it is here. I am going to be mad and sad and brokenhearted and depressed and sulky and pouty and I am not going to feel bad about it.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Support Group

Pace and I just got back from my very first RES.OLVE support group meeting. I can't believe we didn't go sooner. I met some of the most amazing women and it was so refreshing to be sitting at a table with women who "get it"

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE all of my fellow cyber-infertiles but there is something about having that human face to face interaction. It was amazing. The women at this meeting are all at different stages with different histories and one very common bond. INFERTILITY. We laughed, we cried, but most of all we listened with intent and understood each other.

There is so much for me to soak in. My mind is going a million miles a minute. One thing is for sure - I am definitely going again next month!

Oh - and I have a belated New Year's Resolution - I am going to be more selfish. Ha! Funny right? I am serious. I am going to focus more on me and not worry so much about hurting my friends feelings when I just can't bear to go to another baby shower or go on a sister's trip with my sister's and their newborn babies, or grin and bite my tongue when someone makes an insensitive comment. I am not going to do it anymore. I am not going to sacrifice my happiness and mental/emotional health for the sake of others anymore. It does me no good and only stresses me out and puts my body in an even greater state of discord. I can't afford any more discord in my body - I'm putting my foot down!

I really want to learn how to master humor in this whole thing. One of the ladies at the meeting uses humor to help her and DH through their infertility. I want that. I want to learn how to do that. I wonder if they have a How to Laugh at Your own Infertility for Dummies book?

Monday, March 09, 2009

People Shmeople

Last weekend I wasn't feeling well. I went home from work early and parked on the couch. Upon my arrival back at work this morning, I was asked if I was feeling better to which I responded "yes thank you I am feeling much better" Then my co-worker says to me "Was it morning sickness?"

Now please keep in mind that I am an open person when it comes to my infertility and my miscarriage. I work for a very small company and most of the people I work with know about my struggles (this particular co-worker is one of them). They know the short basics, they know we have been trying for 4 years, they know that I had a miscarriage in August and they know about my surgery for endo.

So I am left wondering what goes people's minds when they ask me a question like this? What made my co-worker think that it was ok for him to ask me this question? Over the last 4 years I have probably been asked this question 100 times. Every sniffle, tummy trouble, headache, or hang over I have, I get asked "is it morning sickness?"

Don't they know what this does to me?

1. It reminds me in a very uncomfortable way that I am infertile.
2. It feels as if someone is sticking a dagger in my heart.
3. It makes me have to choke back tears and try to remain somewhat composed.
4. It makes me ANGRY!

I mean EXCUSE ME!!!! IF it were morning sickness, I definitely would not announce my miracle pregnancy in that manner! I can see the conversation now:

Me: I didn't do a whole lot this weekend because I wasn't feeling well

Them: Oh - is it morning sickness?

Me: Actually Yes! (bells start ringing and chimes start signing) Congratulations you guessed my tummy trouble correctly. I'm pregnant! Lets step behind door number 3 to see just what you have won!

It is ridiculous what people ask - as if it's any of their business. It isn't just this question either - there is:
"How many kids do you have?"
"How long have you been married? And you don't have any kids?"
"When are you going to make your parents proud grandparents?"
"Why don't you have any kids yet?"
"Where are your kids?"
"Is it you...or him?"

Trust me I could go on and on. Then there are the comments that make me want to rip out my hair and scream until I literally burst my vocal cords:
"You should just relax - then you will get pregnant"
"You should start the adoption process, a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and as soon as they started the adoption process BAM they got pregnant."
"You should just adopt - there are so many unwanted children out there that need a family"
"You should go on a vacation and forget all about it - then you will get pregnant."
"You should just stop trying - a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and then they decided to stop trying all together. 4 months later they got pregnant."
"You are lucky - kids are such hard work"
"You just wait until you have kids - then you will see what I mean"

I really could go on all day. I have 4 years worth of insensitive, hurtful and untrue questions, comments and assvice.

I think the next time this particular co-worker is out ill, upon his return I will ask him if he was out ill due to hemm.oroids or a vasectomy. I know that they are all just trying to be nice and supportive, but most of the time, unless they have experienced infertility/miscarriage themselves they are being the exact opposite of nice and supportive.

I guess I just need to not tell ANYONE when I am not feeling well and just ask the Lord to forgive them for they know not what they do.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Thank you!

Thank you Bohdi and I believe in Miracles for the Honest Scrap Award Nomination! I love both of your blogs and am honored that you like mine too!

Okay, Here are the rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

First of all, I am going to break the rules because I am a rebel and I can. I think almost everyone has been nominated, so if you are reading this blog and you have not previously been nominated - consider yourself nominated!

1. I sleep with two stuffed animals. They are two teddy bears. One of them I got at probably the lowest point in my life from my parents. I received that teddy bear 9 years ago and still sleep with it every night. The second teddy bear was actually a gift to our baby who is now an angel. I also sleep with this teddy bear every night.

2. I am the youngest of 6 children, my mom is the youngest of 6 children and my father is also the youngest of 6 children. Obviously there is no infertility in my immediate family. Except for me.

3. My husband calls me "Rabbit" It started out with him calling me "Honey"...then that turned into "Honey Bunny" then that turned into "Bunny Rabbit" and he has settled on "Rabbit" I love it when he calls me that. It makes my heart skip a beat.

4. I have slept with a cow. No...I'm not talking about an overweight man, I am talking about a literal cow. Actually it was a calf. I grew up on a farm in KS, it was a cold winter night and one of my dad's cows had her calf but then abandoned it. It got stuck in a snow drift so my dad brought it inside to warm it up and feed it some milk. I curled up next to it to share my body warmth and to try to gently warm him up. I spent the entire night with him caring for him and trying to gently warm him up. He didn't make it, but it was one of my fondest memories.

5. 2 years ago when Pace and I were talking about IF treatments, and what our plan for the future was, we both agreed that after the 4 year mark, we would look at either IVF or adoption. Well...here we are at the 4 year mark, and both of those are out of the question financially. It is crazy how perspective changes over the years isn't it?

6. I love cats. My mother-in-law has the coolest cat. She is so mellow, she lets you hold her like a little baby, she doesn't fuss, just lays there. She is all black with one white sock. I love going over there. I always hold her like a baby and pretend that she will cure my baby fixation for a while. It works...for like 5 minutes, but it is a nice break. However - I will never own my own cat because my husband is TERRIBLY allergic. I am kind of ok with that cause I like to enjoy cats, but I HATE cleaning out the litter boxes!

7. I hate going shopping. In fact, I hate going out into public period. I am so tired of being bombarded with pregnancy stuff. Every time I go to the grocery store I am reminded of my infertility. Every time I go to the mall, I am reminded. Every time I go to church, out to dinner, to the post office, to the pharmacy, to the dr. EVERYWHERE I go! I just prefer to stay home and block out all of the people out there that think about sex and get pregnant.

8. I am a very frugal person. I price shop everything, I NEVER buy name brand clothes unless I find them at R.OSS or some other discount store. I HATE spending money on clothes or shoes that I will only wear a few times. I have never spent more than $15 on a pair of sunglasses or a handbag. EB.AY and Craigs.list are my friends!

9. I don't make (and keep) girl friends well. I am not sure why, but I have never been able to establish that "Sex and the City" style of friendship with girls. I am really trying to obtain that with one of my current friends because I love her, and I really want to have that closeness with someone. I crave that kind of relationship, however it is proving to be very hard to obtain.

10. My biggest fear is that my parents will never know our children. My parents are in their mid 60's and they aren't getting any younger. I am terrified that when we eventually do have kids, my parents will be too old or my children will be too young to remember them. I literally have nightmares about this and being around my family during the holidays makes me very sad as I watch all of my nieces and nephews playing with my parents and creating memories with them.

Wow - that was actually easier than I thought! LOL

No real update on me - just starting the pee-on-a-stick marathon looking for the big "O" and praying that it happens when my husband is in town. My sister should be going into labor any day now. She is officially 37 weeks today. She was on medication to prevent labor up until Tuesday of this week, now she is off of that medication and just waiting for go-time. I am anxious for all of the new baby stuff in my family to be over.