Monday, August 23, 2010


Nuff said...enjoying my pity party for the day, waiting for AF and then away we go again....

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Me...or the progesterone?

Maybe I'm losing it...or maybe it's the progesterone...It's 10dpo and I have been on progesterone supplements for 10 you understand that I am probably clinically crazy ritht now.

Anyone who has been on progesterone supplements, knows blows. There is nothing fun about causing your body to feel pregnant when in fact, it very well may not be pregnant. It is the ultimate of mind games and it causes me to laugh.

Yep - actually laughing out loud. Why? Because it sucks, it is hard, it is ridiculous and I am out of tears, so I laugh. I laugh at how completely shitty IF is. I laugh about how taboo it is. I laugh at how sucky the entire situation is.

Pace and I were watching TV last night and a commercial came on trying to raise awareness and money for military children that have autism. The statistics stated that 1 in 88 children in the military are born with autism. Now...I don't have children with autism, I don't have a family member with autism, I do have a dear friend with a son with autism, but I have no real personal experience with autism. However, I think that I am able to be empathetic. I am not scared to talk about autism, not afraid to learn about it, to educate myself or even to try to understand the struggles that both the child and the parents deal with every day.

Unfortunatley this same empathy is not as easily given to those struggling with IF.

After seeing this commercial, I looked at Pace and said "1 in 88 children have an organization and a commercial raising money for their cause and a 1 in 8 community (infertility) has nothing." Really just doesn't make sense to me.

When was the last time you saw anything (outside of Resolve and a few bloggers in our IF community) trying to raise money, raise awareness and get the word out about our diseases? Where is the fundraising for research to try and figure out early diagnostics of IF (PCOS, DOR, autoimmune issues, endometriosis and so many more) which will enable early treatment and possibly salvage the fertility of thousands of people?

I'm sad that in my community of "In real life friends" I have very few that understand, very few that want to talk about our infertility, very few that educate themselves on our particular cause of infertility and even fewer that care to try to empathise. It is incredibly lonely, very isolating and that is why I am so grateful for each of you. Most of you that I have never met, most of you I never will, but I will always feel this wonderful bond to each and every one of you. The Sisterhood of Infertility. I think it is stronger than any Greek sisterhood in college!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tough Week

This blog was written last week, was meant to be posted last week, but it struck me with such emotion, I decided it would be better to post it after the week had past. After I had time to get some distance (and perspective) on it. I thought it was fitting to post it today as we go into the weekend of testing.

This week is especially hard for me. On August 9th, 2008, we found out we were pregnant, on August 15th, 2008, we found out we had lost the baby. That week was the happiest and the most devastating week of my life. It is proving to not get much easier.

We are cycling again which is exciting and I can't help but think that it is a good sign that I got my first peak day on my CBEFM on August 9th, 2010, however I refuse to get my hopes up. It is this constant battle of staying optimistic and realistic at the same time. This is a battle that I rarely win.

I refuse to listen to my body during this 2ww. I am not going to allow myself to buy into phony pregnancy symptoms only to be crushed at the end of this 2ww. Pace and I were texting back and forth today and he wrote "Just think, you may be becoming a mommy as we text" yes dear I might be...I wish I had your optimism.

However, the fact is...I already am a mommy. To two babies that I never got to hold, never got to feed, never got to express my love to.

There are few things worse than being a mommy with no children.

My angels are forgotten

No one knows what this week means to me

No one understands how hard this week is

No one recognizes me as a mommy, maybe if I had been farther along in my pregnancy. Maybe if I was showing before I lost the baby, people would remember. But I wasn't...and they don't. My angel babies, although very young when they went to heaven were just as much babies to me as a full term baby and they made me just as much a mommy as any other child could.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The 2ww...again

Well, I have finally ovulated and we are officially in the 2ww.

I am excited

and terrified.

Hopefully the next 2 weeks will go fairly quickly and we can move on whatever the outcome may be.

Pace and I went camping this weekend with some great friends of ours and had a blast - it was exactly what I needed. If I could afford it, I think I would move up to the mountains and live out of a travel trailer for the remainder of the 2ww!

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

How do you know you made the right choice?

There have been so many times over the last couple of weeks where I wanted to sit and blog, but I just couldn't come up with anything to really say. I have been up, I have been down, I have been all around emotional.

cycle update: today is CD14, still no ovulation and no darkening of the infamous "second line" on the OPK either. I am doing both the CBEFM and the regular internet cheapies - and so far no change. I am usually a late "O'er" so I kind of expected this, but it seems that each day that goes by with no change, I get more discouraged.

I have found myself questioning our decision on continuing treatment. Is this the right choice? This questioning has been compounded by two wonderful couples that were certified to adopt around the same time we were receiving some amazing news. One of the couples brought home their very handsome baby boy on July 4th and the other couple just received news this week that they were matched and might be parents NEXT WEEK! This is amazing and I am completely over the moon for both of them! It does make me wonder if we made the right choice.

Unfortunately finances are really pushing the decisions for us and although I know I could borrow the money for adoption, I would really like to avoid this. I just wonder if we had continued with the adoption process, would we be closer to being a mommy and daddy right now? I am really going to have to do some "thought work" around this and try to figure my emotions out.

I also wanted to update you all on my niece. As you know, she was diagnosed in June with leukemia. The first month of treatment was gut wrenching, torturous and terrifying. We almost lost her three times, however I am happy to announce that she is officially in remission and has moved on to the second phase of treatment. They were finally able to install her semi-permanent port which she receives her chemo through and life has returned to some state of normalcy for my sister and their family. She is still having some trouble walking, but every day she is getting a little bit stronger and has even ventured out to play with her sisters for short amounts of time each day. This is a HUGE improvement in comparison to where she was a month ago.

August is a very bitter month for me. August 9th, 2008 I found out we were pregnant for the first time. The joy and elation I felt that day was indescribable. On the flip side, the devastation I felt a week later as I miscarried was just as indescribable. In addition, at the end of this month, we will have officially been trying to conceive for five and a half years. So much has happened and so much has changed during this time. I am definitely not the same person (for better or worse) than I was then, nor will I ever be the same person again. I am permanently changed and I just have to be ok with that.

Pace and I are going camping with some great friends this weekend and I am so excited. They are a wonderful couple with two wonderful boys (they are older 9 and 11) and I am really looking forward to a relaxing weekend under the stars with my husband.

I have to go now, but I wanted you all to know that even though I may not be posting much, I am reading and commenting and supporting you all in your journeys. Thank you for still being here and for the continued support that you have given me.