Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I'm still here!

I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and actually my life has just been really crazy.

I want to start by asking you all to please go over and visit Teri. She has had a very hard week and could really use your support

My work is moving to a different location and as the office manager, it has been my responsibility to pack up the entire office and get everything prepared for the move. By the time I get home at night, I am exhausted.

Nothing is really new for us on the fertility front. Actually we haven't even discussed it. It has been kind of nice, but difficult at the same time if that makes any sense. I really don't know how I feel about any of this stuff. I guess that means that I really needed this break after all.

We are going back home for my 10 year reunion next week. I am very excited to go see all of my old high school friends. Since I moved out of state, I haven't really stayed in touch with many of them, so this should be a very exciting trip. Plus I get to see my parents. This will be our first trip with just the two of us and our parents. Usually the whole family is there, so it will be nice to have some alone time with them. I should have LOTS of good stories after that trip! LOL

Pace teased that we should have shirts made that say "No...we don't have kids...don't ask" for the first night of the reunion. I thought that was not only very funny...but a darn good idea as well!

How did all of you handle your reunions and all of the "how many kids do you have" questions?... I would be very interested!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

A lot can happen in a year (The finale)

I woke up in the morning and saw red. I had been told my my dr. that everything was fine and I shouldn't worry unless I saw red. I was so upset the night before because no one from my dr. office called me back with my BETA results. I called and no one would give me the results. I got really worked up and cried myself to sleep. Then I wake up to red.

I got dressed and went to work freaking out the whole way. I settle in to work and try to get my mind off of everything. As soon as my dr. office opens, I call the triage nurse. Right before that the cramps started kicking in. They were HORRIBLE. They were worse than I have ever experienced before. They took my breath away. The triage nurse told me to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I called Pace, but where he was working, he didn't have reception. I tried to get a hold of him for about a half hour bawling the whole time. Crying because I was scared, crying because I was in pain and crying because I felt like my world was crashing around me.

I finally got a hold of Pace, he told me to go home and he would pick me up and take me to the ER. By the time I got home I was bleeding very heavy. I knew.

When we arrived at the hospital, the ER nurse that was checking me in was about 8 months pregnant. Ouch.

They take a bunch of blood, and finally call me back for an ultrasound. By this time I am bleeding everywhere. The tech starts her scan and I just lie there and cry. I knew.

After the ultrasound I am taken back to a bed in the ER and was told the dr. would be back to see me shortly. We waited for 45 minutes and I knew.

I just wanted to leave. I needed to get out of that damn hospital. I needed to curl up in bed in my husbands arms and cry. I needed to get away from people. I needed to be alone.

The Dr. finally came back and confirmed that my uterus was empty. I already knew. We were discharged and on our way home. I sent a text to my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone near me. The text said "We lost the baby. Please understand that I need time with my husband right now and won't be available this weekend." Tumbling, Crashing,

I don't remember a lot about the days after that. I remember the flowers being delivered to my house, I remember the phone ringing but me not answering, I remember collapsing on my kitchen floor and not ever wanting to get up. I remember lying in bed with my husband and crying out asking "why"?

A year later, I find myself still asking why and while I was at church today I realized that it is time to stop asking. I need to let it go. Although I will probably never know the reason for my precious baby being sent to heaven far too early, I know that there is a reason. That wound in my heart will never completely heal, but I need to stop asking why.

My precious baby, mommy and daddy miss you so much. I think of you every day and wish that I could have seen your smiling face, watched you learn to roll over, clap your hands, crawl, and all of the other things that I have missed out on this last year. I cherish the small amount of time that you were here on earth with us, but I know you are in heaven with my precious Lord looking over me and your daddy. One day we will be able to see you face to face and hold you in our arms, but until then, know that you were loved long before you were placed in my belly and will be loved to the end of eternity.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A lot can happen in a year (part 2)

A year ago today I was probably happier than I have ever been. We had told pretty much everyone. All of our friends knew, my co-workers knew, some of Pace's co-workers knew. Not that I look back on that I think "How frickin stupid can you be? Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?" Of course...I had no idea what the next couple of days were going to bring.

Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.

It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.

How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.

I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.

Why did we tell so many people?

Sunday, August 09, 2009

A lot can happen in a year

So, a year ago this very night, I was the happiest woman on the earth, lying in bed next to my husband with his hand expectantly resting on my belly. We were on top of the world. We saw our very first BFP!

For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.

One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.

After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.

We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.

A lot can happen in a year

Tuesday, August 04, 2009


What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.

My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.

I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.

Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.

At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!

I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.

Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.