Tuesday, August 04, 2009


What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.

My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.

I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.

Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.

At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!

I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.

Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.


Amy said...

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If there's interest on your part, we'd be happy to send you product samples for you to review or to use as giveaways. Just fyi, we're by no means a large pharmaceutical company and are committed to helping women conceive safely and naturally.

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I Believe in Miracles said...

Reaching out across the vast internet land to give you a big ~~HUG~~

I am glad to hear the good news. Praying for what your future holds.

C said...

glad for the good news...hoping the RE will give some more...and sending you a huge ((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))

an insight into me said...

Another hug from across the blogosphere for you here too.

I hate what IF has turned me into as well, it's not just the physical toll but the emotional and psychological one as well. It turns you into a doubter and makes you second guess and question everything.

I'm hearing you on the pregnancy announcements...I've had...are you ready for it(?)....FIVE in the past week!! FIVE! I mean come on people, get a television or something LOL

I've also had a birth in the past two weeks to a VERY good friend of mine and I've avoided going to see her because I just can't handle it but yesterday told her how I was feeling (she totally understood) but I'm going to see her on Thurs...I'm nervous as hell, how sad is that?

Much love my friend


Hillary said...

Another ((hugs)) coming your way. I'm sorry you feel so stuck. All the waiting is bad enough even if you have an action plan...

Thinking of you today.


♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Girl, I don't even know were to start bc I have never been in your shoes. I cant imagen how you feel and the stress that you are going through right now. Its not only im sure taking a toll on your body but on you emotinally. I know and can read and see in your eyes how much you want this and how badly your heart is aching bc of time after time of trying and getting no were. I can only pray for you and pace that you will come back to the middle and become on the same page again and not let this come between you two. (not saying it is but you get me), I truly wish that there was something more that we could do, you know its not like lending a car or a bed or whatever. we cant give you what you so badly wish for but what I can give you is our prayers and thoughts.
I told Gabe just after we left PHX that no way are we ready to have kids and he is right there with me. but we both agreed that if we got preg. now and had a child that 100% we would come to the two of you for adoption. if I could give you a child now girl, i would do it in a minute bc I love you that much and its not something we are ready for and it brakes my heart to know that you are and that it seems so far out of your reach.
You are always in my prayers and I look forward to hearing abt the follow up opt.
love you babe

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

by the way did you not put a title on your blog for a reason???

Angelwingsbaby said...

I am so sorry you are hurting I am sending big hugs your way.You can always call if you wanna chat.

an insight into me said...


I've just nominated you for an award, go check it out!



Lauren said...

Sending you hugs, Nichole. I know we already "talked" about this, but stay strong. You will get through this. Just keep communicating -- don't stop no matter what. Don't let this thing build a wall between you two. You will get through this together.

Lauren :)