Tuesday, March 30, 2010

No progress

So the dove eggs still haven't hatched and I am trying to figure it out. Today is day 21 of the eggs living on my truck, the mother and father birds are still sitting on the nest religiously, however the eggs are supposed to hatch in 14-17 days so what gives????

To those of you who thought this was a "sign" what do you think now?

I am beginning to wonder if the eggs are even viable - wouldn't that be a sick twist - 2 non-viable eggs that represent our 2 miscarriages. Two doting bird parents who have not given up on these eggs and continue to sit day and night - represent Pace and I's 5+ year journey to become parents - unsuccessfully.

Anyone want to take this one on and give your opinion? My ears are wide open!

I am definitely calling the bird lady today though because we HAVE to use that truck this weekend (my husband is going skydiving) I have no idea how I am going to survive watching him jump out of a plane at 12,000 feet...I just can't even think about it. BUT it is something he has wanted to do since I met him...so who am I to hold him back?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Eggs and baskets

So I guess we have decided to not put all of our "eggs" in one basket and we are going to continue TTC with minimal treatment in addition to pursuing adoption. I spoke to our social worker yesterday and she said all of the paperwork is in and she is starting to write our home study. She said it would be done by next week, her supervisors would review and proof read it and then send it off to the courts. It is pretty exciting.

I thought the process would take longer honestly, and I am not really sure where we are going to go from here. Personally right now I am leaning more towards going with an adoption attorney because they don't cost quite as much, but at the same time, I think the wait time will be less if we go with an agency. We still have about a month before we are certified, so we have time to consider it and make a decision.

In other egg news...the mama dove is still there. My husband has been very patient and I am grateful. I called an aviary and spoke to a lady that told me as soon as the eggs hatch, we can safely move the nest and the mama bird will find her babies and continue to raise them. For what it's worth, she said the "if you touch the nest, the mama bird will smell you and abandon the nest" is an old wives tale and completely untrue. So we are thinking in the next couple of days, the eggs should hatch - I will definitely get pics!

And other news: We are officially on "O" watch. I am currently on CD8 and have resumed the daily POAS.

Please keep my friend "B" in your prayers. She had her sweet baby girl a week ago but was taken to the emergency room on Saturday night and is still in the hospital with Post partum eclampsia. She is not doing well, they can't keep her blood pressure down and they have no idea how long she will have to stay in the hospital. She is in excruciating pain, having horrible headaches and is terrified. She has had to be away from her brand new baby girl since Saturday, she has had to stop breastfeeding and is very sad about this. She hasn't wanted any visitors, but I think I am just going to drive down to the hospital tonight and not give her any choice - please pray for her quick recovery and no permanent damage!

Wanted to update: I added a link at the top of my blog for you to click on if you have 2 seconds to spare. It is a great cause with a great story behind it. A woman by the name of Erin wants to buy a home that will be used as a respite house for those who have lost children to terminal illnesses. I have a couple of friends and a family member who could have benefited greatly from a place like this! Please vote - it is in 3rd place right now and needs to be in 1st!!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


After posting my "dove" story on Facebook and on my blog - SO many people have indicated that they feel it is a "sign" so I started to do some research.

The dove is known in the Christian faith to represent the Holy Spirit and peace.

Because of it's common association with many goddesses, it is considered the embodiment of maternal instinct. There are many legends surrounding the dove most of them centering on the traditional feminine and mother symbols.

The dove typically lays 2 eggs.

In one of the comments I received on Facebook yesterday, I was told that if a mother dove chooses something of yours to nest in (other than a tree in your yard) it brings good luck to any woman that is TTC.

In my research I also found that doves are ground eaters and that they mostly feed on seeds. They are said to do this to remain close to Mother Earth.

Now...I am not into all of the "signs" stuff - I think it is pretty cool, I will entertain that it could be a sign, but I am really going to try not to read too much into it. There are a million explanations as to why that bird chose to nest on MY truck.

However...here is what I will consider a sign...a 28 day cycle. That is right folks - it appears that my body has had a wake up call. I have now officially had my first every "natural" 28 day cycle. Good thing I stocked up on OPT's...here we go again!

**Note for those that pray: Please pray for my friend Jess's family. Her brother was in a head on collision yesterday. He was air lifted to the hospital and is still in ICU. He is stable, but not out of the woods. His fever spiked this morning and has multiple broken bones as well as a laceration on his liver**

Monday, March 15, 2010

Fertile Dove

Not sure which is worse...being blasted for my previous blog, or only receiving one comment...

Last week a strange thing happened. I got home from work and saw a dove sitting on my truck (I had driven my husband's truck that day) I thought it was a little strange, because this dove wasn't just sitting on the truck...she wasn't budging. I walked right by her and...nothing. She didn't fly away she just looked at me with her creepy beady black eyes.

I grabbed my cell phone and snapped this pic.

As soon as I snapped the pic, she was startled and flew away which revealed...to my surprise....this:

ON MY TRUCK!!!! Ok - Here is a severly emotional woman who already feels lost and hopeless and is trying to recover from another pregnancy loss - now she is faced with the fact that she will eventually have to drive this truck and would therefore be the cause of immintent death of the un-hatched little dove inside the egg.

To make matters even worse...the next morning I checked on my little dove family surprised to find this:

She laid another egg!!!! Now I am really freaking out and can not in any way disturb these eggs. I am just going to have to suck it up and drive my husband's truck for the next month while the mom incubates, hatches and raises these little baby doves. My husband of course is NOT THRILLED and thinks I am a little loony - ok a lot loony.

Yes, I am a freak of nature but seriously....how many times have you heard of this happening?

Is there some coded message behind this?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

1+1 doesn't always = 2

Last night was our final home study meeting. It was surprisingly painless. I was expecting the individual interviews to be much more in depth and lengthy, but it was quite superficial and short. Honestly, I am ok with that.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. The last month has taken a toll on my body (which is proven by the swollen glands in my neck that I have been battling for the last month and the daily headaches for the last week and a half).

I know I haven't really updated since our most recent miscarriage, mostly because I am not really sure what to say. I am sure I am going to get blasted by writing this post, but I am going to be honest and those who read can agree or disagree.

My old RE left the practice we were going to and opened up his own. When I started spotting when I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do other than call the office of my old RE because I have their number in my cell phone. The Dr. that called me back (I will call him Dr. Awesome) was my old RE's business partner. After I miscarried Dr. Awesome called me and said he wanted to have a follow up appt. with me.

I went to the appt. and he put a lot of things on the table that had never been presented to us before by Dr. Money Hungry (previous RE that pushed IVF over and over again). Dr. Awesome thinks that we can conceive on our own with some help from some new medication. Progesterone supplements are a must in order to keep me pregnant, should I get pregnant again. There are some other meds he thinks will help regulate my cycles and enhance my ovulation. He does not think IUI or IVF is a real need for us.

This is great news right? After five years of TTC, endless amounts of failed cycles, 2 surgeries, 2 miscarriages...this should make me want to do a jig in the street! Then why do I feel so crappy about it? The answer is: for many reasons.

1. Before my most recent pregnancy, I was completely ok with not having biological children, with not carrying a pregnancy. However, my most recent pregnancy brought back those desires to some extent and I am feeling conflicted.

2. If these options had been presented to us 3 years ago, could it have saved the lives of my two angels? If I had pushed for more information, more tests, more options...could I have a baby in my arms right now? If I would have followed my gut feelings about Dr. Money Hungry and had a consult with Dr. Awesome years ago...could things have been different for us and our angel babies?

3. Before my most recent pregnancy I was excited about the adoption process. I was putting together a baby registry, I was writing our very own baby book, I no longer felt sadness or bitterness when I received yet another pregnancy announcement. Although I am still excited about the adoption process, I have lost some of the passion. I haven't looked at the baby registry since my miscarriage. I have not touched the baby book I was writing in over a month. I know that passion will return once I have healed from this most recent miscarriage, but it is hard to go through the motions when I am just not feeling it right now. Seeing pregnant women is hard for me again, pregnancy announcements hurt again and birth announcements are even worse. I don't want to be that person again!

4. It has put TTC back on the table which Pace and I weren't really prepared for. As I have previously blogged about, Pace and I were done. At least for the time being. We did not have a desire to TTC, so it was very easy to pursue adoption without looking back. However...now that there are some very easy, inexpensive options in front of us, it has brought those discussions and decisions back to the table. It makes me a little uncomfortable. We are both terrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, we are also terrified of NOT getting pregnant again. Are we ready to get back on that roller coaster?

Obviously we are moving forward with getting certified to adopt. We still have a heart and desire to adopt and that will never change whether or not we have biological children. Pace and I always wanted to adopt, even before infertility, so it just makes sense to finish what we started with the home study process.

However, is there also a place for TTC in this equation? I don't know the answer to that. Before my last pregnancy I knew. Now...I don't.