Friday, February 26, 2010

5 Years ago today

I married my best friend. The love of my life.

Pace and I have been through some tough shit in the last 5 years. I won't go into great detail here, but we have really been through a lot. In fact I think we have been through more in our first 5 years of marriage than most have been.

We have survived.

In fact we have more than survived, we have thrived. We are closer today than we have ever been. I love my husband deeply, passionately and unconditionally. He accepts me for who I am faults and all. He loves me even though I leave my shoes all over the living room, he loves me even though I am not the tidiest person in the world, he loves me even though I can sometimes be moody and annoyed, he loves me when I am hyper, he loves me when I am depressed.

I have told Pace before, but back when I was in college and was in a really shitty relationship, I thought long and hard about the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Pace fits that description to a "t". He is everything I have wanted and looked for in a man and then some. Of course our marriage isn't perfect. We have both made mistakes, we have both hurt one another, but we have forgiven one anohter, we love each other more every day, we genuinely care for each other and want to see each other thrive.

I love you Pace. I adore you. I thank God for you everyday. I can't imagine going through and getting through everything we have been through with anyone else.

Happy Anniversary Bestie!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I have no words

I have no words

Correct that...

I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.

I just can't put them together to make any sense.

So that is all the blog I have.

Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

2010 YOU SUCK!!!!!!

I have no idea what to title this post. My mind is fuzzy. My heart is broken. I am pissed and confused. So I will write the post and figure out a title later.

A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. Yeah - you read that right. Pregnant. Naturally. An "oops" pregnancy after 5 years of infertility. We were excited, and scared, and overjoyed. We had decided after our last miscarriage that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew for sure that there was a good chance of survival. I have a friend that works for a clinic and she does ultrasounds, so I called her immediately and she had us come in for an ultrasound. We didn't really get a good look at the baby (thank you tilted uterus), but we were able to catch the heartbeat. Since I hadn't had a period in 5 months, we had no idea how far along we were, but she said that since we were able to detect a heartbeat, we were at least 6 weeks along.

Last week went great. I had morning sickness, headaches, sore bb's, weird cravings and food aversions. All of the symptoms of a wonderful, healthy pregnancy. We were getting more and more excited. I scheduled an appt. with my OB/GYN (the one that I despise, but they could get me in very quickly) last Tuesday. They confirmed the pg, did the first set of bloodwork and scheduled an u/s to get our due date for today. I practically had to beg the OB to take my progesterone levels. She said that she really didn't think they mattered because she doesn't believe in progesterone therapy to "salvage" a pregnancy. She said she would take the levels but I would not be able to get the results until today.

I went ahead and purchased progesterone cream and started applying that just for my own peace of mind. Last Saturday morning I woke up with some cramping. We saw my friend who did another u/s and this time we got a wonderful view of the baby (which looked more like an alien) and the strong heartbeat. About 3 hours after the u/s, I was still cramping fairly heavy and I started bleeding a little bit. I freaked out and called our RE. (DON'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS ON DAY ONE...I GUESS I WAS IN SHOCK AND WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS "MIRACLE" WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ON IT'S OWN) Idiot...

Anyway, the RE told me to start taking 200mg of Prom.etrium daily which I started immediately. It was too late. Both the pregnancy test I took this morning and the empty wasteland of a uterus that was shown on the u/s proved that the baby is gone.

When the dr. told me that my progesterone level last week was 6.2 I almost socked her in the face. NO ONE CALLED ME??? DIDN'T THAT ALERT ANYONE THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON? (Just so you know your progesterone level is supposed to be somewhere between 11 and 40 in your first trimester.)

I am devastated yes...Pace is working out of town this week, so I am home alone with my dogs and I am pissed off. I had put the pregnancy thing behind me, I was moving full steam ahead with adoption and I was happy there - why in the hell did this have to happen NOW?

2010 - you SUCK...and that my friends will be the title of this post.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Weekend Recap

I's a little late. The weekend is upon us again and I am just now updating on Pace's birthday weekend! Let's just say it has been a crazy week, I have been sick and I just haven't had the creative mojo to write.

Friday evening I picked Pace up and took him to our favorite sushi restaurant for dinner. I LOVE that place!!! I tell you...I could eat there 3-5 times a week (well if we could afford it that is!). While we were at dinner a couple of our friends and my MIL was at our house getting everything set up and ready for his big SURPRISE PARTY!!! It usually takes us an hour or so to eat there, but of course for some reason this time, it didn't take as long. So we had to make a pit stop at the grocery store to kill some time.

We arrived at our house - all was pitch black. We walked in the door and SURPRISE!!!!! He was definitely surprised! The rest of the evening went quite lovely. Just hung out with friends and enjoyed the life of my hubby!

Saturday morning we woke up and decided that the two of us would go see Av.atar in 3D. It was an awesome movie! It was a little long, but it was the first 3D movie either of us had seen, so we were quite impressed.

Sunday morning we went to church - AWESOME service! and then back to the house to take care of chores (i.e. napping) LOL and then went to our friends house to watch the S.uper B.owl.

Overall a fairly busy weekend, but very enjoyable. that V-day weekend is upon us...I wanna know...what are your plans? We aren't really celebrating this year, I think we will make a nice quiet dinner at home and maybe play board games...right honey???? Doesn't that sound like fun? (He doesn't really care for board games, but I love them!!!)

So comment - and let me know what you have planned for V-day!

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Devastating morning

What a very sad morning it has been today. I just found out that one of my dear friends from High School lost her 6 year old boy last night. They believe he came down with meningitis which took his life last night.

My heart breaks for my friend. This was their only child, they have been struggling with secondary infertility since he was born. I don't understand God's plan, although I know he has one. She is a wonderful mother, an amazing friend and a true bright light in every room!

Wishing I could be with my friend right now, holding her, comforting her and crying with her.

Rest in peace dear boy, go play with the angels and we will see you someday in the glory of heaven!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Why do I watch TV???

Haven't been around for many reasons. I have been in a funk and my recent choice of TV shows did NOT help...more about that later.

This Friday is my hubby's birthday and I have some very special things planned for him. I can't divulge them now because sometimes he reads my blog, and I want him to pine over this all week! tee hee!

Last weekend to get the birthday celebrations started early, my MIL, SIL (she's 4), hubby and I packed up and went camping. It was WONDERFUL!!! Far too short of a trip, but it was nice. My MIL and I got along really well, we bonded more last weekend than I think we have the entire last 7 years! Pace had a wonderful time and we were surrounded by some of God's most mysterious creations...mountains!

Then I had to come back to work. Work absolutely stinks right now. I know the Lord wants us to do all things without complaint, but I am just REALLY struggling with this right now. I can't release a lot of information now because I don't really know who reads this crazy blog, but I can tell you that my days with the company are numbered, at no fault of my own. (no really, I am not just saying that because I am in denial.) :-)

Pace and I are still working away at our adoption packet. We have both done our fingerprints, I had my physical yesterday and he has his next week. All of our reference letters have been mailed off and we are slowly but surely completing the packet. There are so many very deep questions that have really required a lot of thought and prayer, but we have plenty of time to answer the questions, so we are using that to our advantage.

Pace and I have both been very humbled by the overwhelming support we have received from our friends and family. It has truly been a wonderful experience.

Now...for the TV show I spoke of earlier...I don't know if any of you watch Pri.vate Prac.tice, however...I do. Well did. I used to like this show. I used to like watching it and pointing out all of the inaccuracies with their IVF and IUI procedures. It used to fascinate me. Sure, most of the show is about getting people pregnant, babies etc., but for some reason, I was just hooked. Then last week (I watched it Mon. night thank you DVR)

*******SPOILER ALERT*************

It happened. The 15 year old daughter of the two doctors in the practice gets pregnant. The girl's mother pretty much forces her to have an abortion, however the girl changes her mind at the last minute. When the girl tells her mother she changed her mind, the mother drags her into the next room where a woman is giving birth. The mother is trying to use the pain and agony of childbirth as a method to scare her daughter into having the abortion and then they cut to the scene of the beautiful birth of a gorgeous, healthy baby and the 15 year old girl is in love.
End scene.

At this point I am bawling. It all comes crashing back to me. I had been "infertility depression" free for so long and it immediately came rushing back to me in full force.

And I haven't been able to shake it.

End Scene