Still Grasping For Sanity: I have no words

I have no words

Correct that...

I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.

I just can't put them together to make any sense.

So that is all the blog I have.

Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.

My Infertility History - the nuts and bolts

February 2005 - Married my best friend, started TTC

January 2006 - Diagnosed with PCOS referred to an endocronologist

February 2007 - First IUI with Femera cancelled due to no follicles

March 2007 - Second IUI this one with Follistim - BFN

April 2007 - Third IUI with Follistim again cancelled due to no follicles

July 2008 - First cycle of Clomid 50 mg- BFN

August 2008 - Second cycle of Clomid 100 mg BFP!

August 15th 2008 - First Miscarriage

October 2008 - Third clomid cycle 100 mg =BFN

November 2008 - Natural cycle - first EVER 28 day cycle - BFN

January 2009 - Laparoscopy confirmed endometriosis - endo was removed. Hysteroscopy was clean

May 2009 - Fourth cycle of Clomid 100mg=BFN - no ovulation. During Day 21 follicle scan suspected dermoid cyst found.

July 2009 - Surgery to remove cyst. It was in fact a dermoid - on a forced break for 2 months while ovary heals

October 2009 - Forced break is over. Now on "optional" break at least until January 2010 - we have officially given up on 2009.

January 2010 - Pursuing domestic infant adoption

February 2010 - Surprise BFP - Miscarriage at approx. 7.5 weeks. Unsure how to proceed from here

March 2010 - 28 day cycle naturally!!! Going to continue TTC on our own with progesterone supplements after ovulation and pursue domestic infant adoption.

August 2010 - Femara cycle with TI -ovulated on CD21 BFN

September 2010 - Femara cycle with TI - did not ovulate BFN

October-December 2010 - Femara cycles with TI - all BFN

January 2011 - HSG (all clear) Femara/Follistim cycle with TI - cycle cancelled on CD14 due to poor response. Did PIO shot and waiting for AF to start a new cycle.

February 2011 - Femara/Follistim cycle with TI - Had 1 follicle - BFN

March/April 2011 - Femara/Follistim cycle with TI - Have 2 good sized follicles, and one slightly smaller one. BFP!!! Beta 1@ 13DPO: 34. Beta 2@ 15 DPO: 74 Doubling time of 42 hours!1 week later 3rd miscarriage was confirmed.

May 2011 - Recurrent pregnany loss panel performed. Confirmed MTHFR factor - on Folgard to *hopefully* prevent future miscarriages.

June 2011 - Femara/Follistim cycle with TI - have 2 follicles a 17mm and a 20mm - BFN

July 2011 - Femara/Follistim cycle with TI - have 1 follicle at 21mm BFP (late). First Beta @20DPtrigger: 341, Second Beta: 652, Third Beta 1154. First u/s: 8/9/2011. Measuring about a week behind, saw the heartbeat - AMAZING! 80bpm. Second u/s 8/16/2011. No growth since last week, heartbeat down to 68bpm. Stopping all meds and waiting for my body to miscarry on it's own. Devastated.

January 2012 - Discussing adopting out of the foster care system

June 2012 - Started classes to become certified to adopt children in the foster care system whose parental rights have been severed.

October 2012 - Finished our classes - gave us a lot to think about - ready to move forward with the home inspections, medical exams, interviews etc.

November 2012 - Approached by a young woman who is pregnant and wanting to place in a private adoption.

January 2013 - First face to fact meeting with young woman - change course of our adoption certification to domestic infant adoption.

March 2013 - Young woman chooses to parent.

Still Grasping For Sanity

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I have no words

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