Friday, December 29, 2006

"Aunt Flo...long time no see!" and friendship rant

She finally showed up. After months and months of anticipation. She finally came. Of course she showed up on the day Mr. Clinger and I were leaving for Christmas vacation...but at least she came. It has been 229 days since she has come for a visit. Most people Trying To Conceive HATE it when she shows up...but least this time...I was almost brought to tears with happiness.
...I know...I'm a kook :-) last blog I said that I wanted to talk about friendships and TTC. Boy is it complicated. This entire situation has really made me realize who my REAL friends are. I have gained some friends (many of them on my MSN board) and I have lost some friends. In fact just recently, I lost the woman I thought was my best friend. I suppose in the long run it is for the better, but it hurts the same. It hurts me the most to know that someone that I cared about so deeply could hurt me so bad.
I guess only the ones we care about are able to hurt us. It has been such a long time since I have felt a pain like this. I stood by this woman through so many things, divorce, pregnancy, new relationships, I was there for her when all of her friends abandoned her, I guess no good deed goes unpunished.
On one hand I feel empty and alone, I never knew how she really felt about my infertility. At the same time I am saddened and full of anger.
Mr. Clinger understands, he lost a friend because of this too. Guys are different though I think. I don't think they take things as personally. It still hurts just the same.
I just wish that people would take a step back and think about how we must be feeling. There is a very good chance that Mr. Clinger will never be able to put his hands over my swelling belly in hopes of feeling our child kick back. I might never be able to suprise him at the door with a positive home pregnancy test. I may never be able to wake him in the middle of the night and tell him that "It's time" I might never be able to see the look on Mr. Clingers face the first time he sees his child. I might never be able to take our child shopping to get "Daddy" something for Father's Day, birthday, Christmas. I might never be able to hear the words "I love you mommy" coming from my child's mouth.
I have wanted to be a mommy since I was like 4 years old. I would always play dolls, I would even stuff my shirt with towels so that I looked pregnant. When my nieces and nephews were born, I would pack them around on my hip all day long, feed them, change them, put them down for naps. They were my life. I wanted to be around them all of the time. In high school I took a child development class and one of our assignmetns was to wear an empathy belly (the bellies that make you look and feel 8 months pg) I didn't want to take it off. I could have worn it 24/7 if my teacher would have let me.
Being a mom has always been my "calling" so now that I am married, old enough, mature enough, financially stable, ready and willing...I am told that it might never happen. And this is supposed to have no effect on me whatsoever. It is not supposed to hurt when my friends are "accidentally" getting pg. When my friends are getting pg and they are not even married? It is not supposed to hurt when my friend gets pg and I had been trying for almost a year when she got pg and she was NOT EVEN TRYING????
No one knows how it feels to have the dream of parenthood shit on unless you have been there. You don't know what it is like to break down in the middle of the store because you saw a pregnant 16 year old. Or you saw a mother driving down the road with a small child that is not in a car seat. Or you saw a pg woman smoking/drinking or doing drugs while pg. You don't know what it is like to turn on the news and hear of a mother who killed her baby by putting it in the microwave!! These women are allowed to have children, but I can't (at least not yet) YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT CUTS TO THE CORE...
So I say this to the people that call themselves my friends but make me feel guilty for showing my pain...F.U. you have no right to judge me until you know my pain. And I sincerely hope none of you have to know my pain. But...if you least you know that I will be there and I will not judge your feelings, your reactions or your breakdowns.
And I say this to those of you who call me your friend that have been there with open ears and soft shoulders GOD BLESS YOU! Thank you for being supportive even though you may not know what to say...thank you for just being there and not making me feel guilty, unworthy, or damaged. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR THAT!
I thought that as we got older...friendships were supposed to be easier. Maybe in my 40's they will be Huh???
We'll see

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Alot can happen in a month

OK, so it has been a month since I have blogged. I am not sure exactly why. I had updates I could have included, I had stuff to say, I THOUGHT about blogging, but I didn't. is the day I suppose. I will catch you up on events.

I had an HSG this month which is where they detect if your fallopian tubes are blocked or not. In order to do this, they have to pry you wide open (down there) stick a needle looking thing into the cervix and shoot you full of this blue dye. Then you lie there for a minute, make sure the blue dye flows through both fallopian tubes with ease and then you are done.

Well...the blue dye conquered my tubes like the North conquered the South. No blockages in these babies! That is great news.

So...Good sperm, good tubes, good uterus..just NO EGGS!!!! Well, I am sure I have eggs...I ASSUME I have eggs anyway, they just don't like to crawl their lazy asses out of my ovary. Oh...I am sure it is nice and comfy in there, warm, plenty of food and drinks, good music but HONESTLY... you all can't stay in there FOREVER. Sooner or later at least one of you have to come out...and when you do....your gonna get it!

So after the HSG I got to get stabbed with a needle (by the way...since this whole infertility thing, I have completely conquered my fear of needles. Now I almost get some sick enjoyment out of it!) to check my progesterone count (once again) and comes the fun part, but first, let me give you some background info to set the mood.

My old endocronologist was sure I had PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I wasn't.
I mean, ok, I have some of the symptoms, but you would think that (given the name) I would have cysts on my ovaries. Which, I don't. So I am not really sure the diagnosis fits, however I did not go to school for a zillion years to become a dr. either, but that is all beside the point. So my new Reproductive Endocronologist (Dr. R) is testing me for Cushings Syndrome, which has similar symptoms as PCOS, but a very different cause. It is caused by an overproduction of the adrenal glands which cause weight gain, facial hair, darkening and thickening of the skin etc. BUT... Cushings Syndrome is TREATABLE...more so than PCOS. (So everyone root for me Cushing's...Cushing's...Cushing's) OK...the BAD part is how the actually TEST for Cushing's syndrome. They have to check your cortisol (some hormone) levels over a 24 hour period. They use urine instead of blood to test. So...for the last 24 hours, I have had to pee in something that looks like this: keep in mind a couple of things. 1. I am a woman, I do not have a penis. 2. I am a woman, I do not have a penis 3. I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS.
(Are you seeing a pattern?) OK, whose idea was this little container anyway? I can understand for a man because he has the anatomy and ability to aim into a small hole like this (although if you look at the toilet seats at work, most men don't use that ability) but I do not have the anatomy or ability. This leaves me straddling the toilet holding this plastic bucket under me, doing some sort of balancing -trying-not-to-pee-on-myself-or-the-toilet-or-the-sink act. Once I finally manage to get some urine in the container (and only a little on the wall) I realize that I could not get any toilet paper off the roll. One hand was holding the pee bucket which now had pee dripping down the side and the other (which happens to be my left and I am right handed) is not coordinated enough to tear off a piece without the trusting help of the right hand....And so this debacle continued for a whole 24 hours.
As if peeing in a hole the size of a pin head wasn't bad enough...the pee bucket had to be stored in the refrigerator between urinations!!! Um...excuse me...I have to do this when I am at work...isn't there a law against putting bodily fluids in the refrigerator at work??? If there isn't...there should be!
But I did it, I bravely concealed my pee bucket in 3 plastic grocery bags and placed it gingerly in the refrigerator.
As if this routine had not been embarassing enough...after the 24 hour period was up...I had to take my pee bucket back to the lab. So there I go...walking through the doors where all 25 people in the waiting room look at me and then their stares moved down to the brown plastic Basha's bag I was carrying. I saw their eyes shift...not wanting to make eye contact...I heard the whispers..."what do you think it is? Do you think she is carrying her own pee in that bag?" "Probably...she looks pretty weird."
OK, maybe that was just my own insecurities talking but what unfolded next was humiliating.
I was not sure if I had to sign in and wait the hour like normal to be called to the desk or if I could just drop the pee and run, so I walked up to the receptionist who did not at all look happy to be alive and said in a very low, quiet tone:
ME: excuse me, I just need to drop off my urine collection (There is a new line coming out in the Spring, it is great for the collector in everyone)
ME: (the slightest bit louder) I just need to drop off my urine collection, do I still need to sign in and wait?
R: (very loudly) Yes...even if you are just dropping off your urine, you need to sign in, I still have to verify your orders"
**The whispering started up again, and I embarrased as all hell signed in with as much dignity as I could muster and took my seat next to an 80 year old woman who immediately got up and moved across the room from me. (I am NOT kidding this totally happened)
ME: "Hey lady, I might be carrying my pee, but at least it is in a plastic bucket and not in a diaper" - OK, I didn't say that, but I REALLY wanted to.

So...there is the update so far. I am sure there is more, but I have friends coming over tonight and I should get home. Oh....friends...that is the other thing I wanted to talk about...I will try to post on that one soon.
By the way...I go back to the Dr. on Jan. 3 to get my results. Please pray for Cushing's syndrome!!!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

We have swimmers!

That's right folks...Mr. Clinger is as healthy as a lark and so are his "little soldiers". So... it is all me, the reason we haven't conceived is all me.
That is very bitter sweet to me.
On one hand, I am SO grateful that we are not battling infertility from his side as well, but at the same time, I think it would help him understand my feelings and where I am coming from a little better, and maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.
Knowing that I am not able to give my husband a son/daughter naturally is a devastating feeling! I feel like a failure as a wife and ...well... as a woman.
If you are failing at something you were born into...what does that make you?
I don't just sucks that this is happening to us and there is no way around it.

More and more of my friends are having babies, and all I can do is put on a smile and try to muster through yet another baby shower.


It's been a rough week. - Just the kind of week that calls for a hot bubble bath, glass of wine and some smooth jazz...yep...that is what I am going to do with my evening!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Insurance companies SUCK!!!

I get a letter last night from our insurance company, enclosed is a form titled "Pre-existing condition investigation. I get on Cigna's website this morning to find out what is going on and they haven't even paid for my appointment with the Reproductive Endocronologist yet. They have a note by it stating that a "pre-existing condition" investigation is being performed and that pre-existing conditions are not covered by our policy.
First of all, I don't even have a DIAGNOSIS yet...I am still in the testing phase, so how can something be "pre-existing" if I don't even know what it is?
Have I seen other Dr.'s for this...yes
Have I been "treated" for it? Well if you call the dr. prescribing me a drug and telling me "take that for about a month and then come back and see me and we will see if it makes a difference" treatment, then I suppose yes, but the medication made me so sick, I couldn't even take it for the full month.
So...getting treated for this condition now to reduce my chances of cervical cancer (which I am at a 60% higher risk than "normal" women) and increase my chances of having children of my own in the future is NOT covered. BUT...If I get cervical cancer as a result of not ovulating and having periods...THAT will be covered????
I hate insurance companies, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.
"Oh, Mr. Jones, you can't have an erection? Well we will prescribe some Viagra for you so you can have a normal life. Don't worry, your insurance will cover all of your costs"
"Oh, Mrs. Clinger, your screwed. come back and see us when you have cancer so your insurance will cover it. Sorry about that whole - not having a family of your own thing - Have a nice day"
Can't I just get an F'ing break here? What have I done to deserve this? Why can every inbred crack head have a family, and I can't. This is so unfair
I hate hate hate my body

Thursday, October 19, 2006

We are going to quit smoking!

It is official, I picked up our prescriptions for Wellbutrin yesterday so...within the next month, Pace and I will be smoke free.
I am very excited, I can't believe how much money we are going to save, as well as being able to breathe better, taste food better, smell better, just feel better overall!!
Prayers would be greatly appreciated as I know this is going to be a trying time for both Pace and I. I have tried to quit before, but have not been successful, so hopefully this will be it for us.
Damn cigarettes anyway...if I could only go back to age 16 when I had my first cigarette I would. I would have thrown it down on the ground and spit on it. It is a nasty disgusting, unhealthy addiction that I would not wish on anyone.
I just hope I feel the same way in 2 months!
Wish us luck!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

First RE appt. down...many more to go

I had my first Reproductive Endocronology appt. today and I think it went really well. I love my new Dr. he explained things to Pace and I very well and answered all of our questions. He did a vaginal u/s and said that my ovaries and uterus look great and that he would like to run some more tests to help him identify exactly what it is that we are working with.
He seemed very positive and told me that it is not a question of if...but when we get pg which was a huge relief. Pace will go in for a SA to rule out any MF and I will go in for an HSG test to determine if I have any blockage of the falopian tubes. The only problem is that neither of these are covered by insurance so I am going to have to pay for those out of pocket which is going to be like $600. Let the money spending begin!!!
I have to do some additional blood work and other tests and then we will be ready to finish up the diagnosis stage and move on to the treatment stage. For once I actually have a little bit of hope that someday soon I will be able to carry Pace's child. I can't tell you how excited that makes me.
Thank you all for being understanding and keeping up with this maize Pace and I are in. We would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers that the upcoming tests are "good news"

Friday, September 29, 2006

It's fertility coverage

Insurance companies are truly amazing. It has been confirmed that I have absolutely NO fertility coverage. Which means, if the treatments for PCOS don't work and I don't get pg off of those alone, we will either have to pay out of pocket for additional treatments or give up on being biological parents all together and start the adoption process.
It makes me so angry that insurance companies will pay for birth control and tubal ligations to help prevent people from having kids, why won't they cover services for those of us who desperately want children of our own, but can't due to some medical issue?
I didn't choose to have this condition, It is an illness, and I should be able to have my insurance company cover at least some of the costs for treatment.
Oh...I get companies realize that if they cover fertility treatments, then they will eventually have to cover maternity costs, and then cover delivery costs and cover a new baby as well. So instead, they stamp all over the dreams of couples all across the world who want to experience the feeling of their child kicking inside the womb. Want the experience of a "first" ultrasound, birth, seeing your child smile at you or come run into your arms when they get hurt or are sick.
It is so unfair.
So there is my rant for the day. Five more days until my first RE appointment and Pace and I will officially be on the road again of TTC full force, and fully medicated.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Holy Family History!

Ok, so I have my first appointment with a Reproductive Endocronologist (RE) next Wed. (Oct. 4th) The Dr. sent me a big packet in the mail of all the paperwork they want me to fill out and mail back to them before my appt. OH MY GOSH!!! I have learned more about my family medical history filling out this paperwork than I think is healthy for a person.
I am really kind of scared about the appt. I know I have already been diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and I know that there is treatment for it, but I am just so scared of them finding something else. Or testing Mr. Clinger and find out there is MF (male factors) too.
It just makes me so damn angry that we are having such a hard time adding to our family when people who are totally unfit to parent "accidentally" get pg with no problem.
Emotionally I am feeling a little better than yesterday and the day before, but I am still not back to my normal self. I have a wedding this weekend, so I will do one final POAS (pee on a stick) before Sat. night just to make sure before I drink at the party, and then no more! It is too heartbreaking to watch only one line appear. I am just not sure if I could stand it anymore.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Today marks the beginning of our 20th month.

Today, September 26, 2006 is the beginning of our twentieth month of trying to conceive. It seems so surreal. Mr. Clinger and I knew it would take a while to get pregnant since I had such wacky periods, that is why we decided to start trying as soon as we got married. I never thought in a million years, it would take longer than a year.
As soon as we got married, my periods stopped all together.
I am in the middle of a serious breakdown. I am depressed, jealous, angry, resentful, thankful, terrified and so horribly sad. Over the last 20 months I have:
1. Had only 2 periods thanks to progesterone treatment
2. Woke up at 5:00 am every morning to take my temperature and then chart it
3. Gained 40 pounds
4. Took medication that made me SO sick
5. Been poked and prodded and had endless amounts of bloodwork done
6. Been declared "morbidly obese" by my endocronologist
7. Watched 5 of my friends get pregnant, went to their baby showers, and now they all have their babies to hold in their arms.
8. Overcome struggles with Mr. Clinger over infertility, do we tell our families, what is our last resort, when do we start talking adoption etc.
9. Cried myself to sleep too many times to count
10. Been angry at myself for listening to my gynecologists when I was younger when they told me "it is normal to have abnormal periods" HELLO...anything wrong with that sentence>????? They call it ABNORMAL for a reason. I was such a nincompoop.
11. Stressed about money and how much of our treatments our insurance would cover.
12. Done ENDLESS amounts of research on PCOS, infertility, low glycemic diets, exercise plans, adoption, natural treatments, medical treatments etc.
13. Had ultrasounds done
14. Quit smoking
15. Started smoking again
and the list goes on and on and on.
I am angry, bitter, resentful, tired, emotionally drained and depressed.
I hate leaving my house because everytime I see a pg woman, I want to burst into tears. It is even worse when that women in 16 years old. I have very few people I can talk to about infertility and my feelings, I joined a chat board for people that are having IF issues, which has been my saving grace. I distance myself from family members because I just don't know how they will react or what they will say. I am having trouble fulfilling my passion of working for a women's crisis center, every day it gets harder and harder for me to counsel girls who are contemplating abortion, women who continue to do meth even though they know they are pg, etc. It makes me sick and shakes me to my core.
My relationship with my husband had changed immensly. I think in the long run, this will make us stronger, but it is an everyday struggle.
If I hear one more person say "it will happen in God's time, relax and you will get pregnant, you should take a break and just enjoy being married, you should look into adoption, my friend X sent in their paperwork for adoption and then BAM...she was pregnant" or anything similar, I am going to scream until my eyes pop out of my head.
If you have not experienced infertility, just say "i'm sorry, i'm hear to support you, or just simply that SUCKS" Don't tell me when it will happen, how it will happen or why it hasn't happened yet. For the simple fact of : NO ONE KNOWS WHY
For my first blog, it is a little all over the board, mostly because I am an emotional wreck today with it being our "20 month anniversary" and I feel like I just need to puke.
It is nice to have a forum to express my thoughts and will continue to do so.

Welcome to blogging world

Hello all. I am new to the whole "blogging" thing so you will have to bear with me. I will try and get this thing up and running within the next week.