Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Today marks the beginning of our 20th month.

Today, September 26, 2006 is the beginning of our twentieth month of trying to conceive. It seems so surreal. Mr. Clinger and I knew it would take a while to get pregnant since I had such wacky periods, that is why we decided to start trying as soon as we got married. I never thought in a million years, it would take longer than a year.
As soon as we got married, my periods stopped all together.
I am in the middle of a serious breakdown. I am depressed, jealous, angry, resentful, thankful, terrified and so horribly sad. Over the last 20 months I have:
1. Had only 2 periods thanks to progesterone treatment
2. Woke up at 5:00 am every morning to take my temperature and then chart it
3. Gained 40 pounds
4. Took medication that made me SO sick
5. Been poked and prodded and had endless amounts of bloodwork done
6. Been declared "morbidly obese" by my endocronologist
7. Watched 5 of my friends get pregnant, went to their baby showers, and now they all have their babies to hold in their arms.
8. Overcome struggles with Mr. Clinger over infertility, do we tell our families, what is our last resort, when do we start talking adoption etc.
9. Cried myself to sleep too many times to count
10. Been angry at myself for listening to my gynecologists when I was younger when they told me "it is normal to have abnormal periods" HELLO...anything wrong with that sentence>????? They call it ABNORMAL for a reason. I was such a nincompoop.
11. Stressed about money and how much of our treatments our insurance would cover.
12. Done ENDLESS amounts of research on PCOS, infertility, low glycemic diets, exercise plans, adoption, natural treatments, medical treatments etc.
13. Had ultrasounds done
14. Quit smoking
15. Started smoking again
and the list goes on and on and on.
I am angry, bitter, resentful, tired, emotionally drained and depressed.
I hate leaving my house because everytime I see a pg woman, I want to burst into tears. It is even worse when that women in 16 years old. I have very few people I can talk to about infertility and my feelings, I joined a chat board for people that are having IF issues, which has been my saving grace. I distance myself from family members because I just don't know how they will react or what they will say. I am having trouble fulfilling my passion of working for a women's crisis center, every day it gets harder and harder for me to counsel girls who are contemplating abortion, women who continue to do meth even though they know they are pg, etc. It makes me sick and shakes me to my core.
My relationship with my husband had changed immensly. I think in the long run, this will make us stronger, but it is an everyday struggle.
If I hear one more person say "it will happen in God's time, relax and you will get pregnant, you should take a break and just enjoy being married, you should look into adoption, my friend X sent in their paperwork for adoption and then BAM...she was pregnant" or anything similar, I am going to scream until my eyes pop out of my head.
If you have not experienced infertility, just say "i'm sorry, i'm hear to support you, or just simply that SUCKS" Don't tell me when it will happen, how it will happen or why it hasn't happened yet. For the simple fact of : NO ONE KNOWS WHY
For my first blog, it is a little all over the board, mostly because I am an emotional wreck today with it being our "20 month anniversary" and I feel like I just need to puke.
It is nice to have a forum to express my thoughts and will continue to do so.

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