Thursday, July 30, 2009

Second surgery of the year...done

What a day yesterday! It started with Pace waking up at 4:30 to make me breakfast since I couldn't eat or drink anything after 5:30 am - what a guy! After that we both got ready for work and headed in for our half days. Then we headed for the surgery center. When we first walked in I was NOT impressed. It was a very small, VERY crowded waiting room and the staff didn't seem very professional. I felt so bad having to leave Pace out in that tiny room during my surgery. After just a few minutes the nurse called me back. They were WONDERFUL! I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of moms. They were all very nurturing, understanding and just fantastic.

The anestesiologist (I have no idea how to spell that and apparently spell check doesn't either) was hysterical! All of that combined really put me at ease. they had a really hard time getting my IV in again but they finally got it on the third stick (two on the right arm and then finally one on the left). I was able to walk into the OR myself which was different than my last lap. It was neat being able to hear the witty banter of the nurses, doctors and such. I finally got my cocktail and was knocked out immediately.

The surgery went very well. They were able to remove the entire mass with minimal trauma to the ovary. They also checked my tubes and looked for more endo, but all was clear! That is great news. I should have the pathology results next week, and my post-op appt. with the RE is next Wednesday, so we should know more after that.

So far I have felt really good. Of course I am sore, but I remember being MUCH more uncomfortable with the last lap, and I have two extra incisions this time. Personally I think my RE was just more gentle and knew what he was doing more than the GYN that did my lap. I was MISERABLE last time. I took one pain pill last night before bed because I was scared I would wake up in a lot of pain, but I still feel pretty good.

Pace had to work today, so my sweet friend "T" took the day off to come hang out with me. It will be so nice to spend the day with her. She is wonderful!

I was witness to another pregnancy announcement yesterday. At work. In front of everyone, my boss shared that his daughter (who is my age) is expecting. They just got married last December, weren't trying, don't have jobs etc. It was VERY uncomfortable for me and I just had to fight back my tears. I was already kind of nervous about my surgery, and then for that to be thrown in the mix was just really hard.

I am trying to stay faithful Lord, but after four and a half years, one miscarriage, two surgeries I am getting tired. Pace and I are no longer on the same page as far as future TTC and I feel defeated. Please show me the way and I will follow. I'm just exhausted.

Thank you all for your love, kind words and support. It literally brings tears to my eyes and humbleness to my heart to know that all of you are here with me, supporting me and encouraging me. You all are wonderful and I have no idea where I would be without you. MUAH!

Monday, July 27, 2009

2 days to go

Well ladies and gentlemen, two days until my surgery. The nerves are starting to set in a little bit. I try to keep them at bay by telling myself that I have done this before and I can do it again. The pain will go away, the wound will heal and the world will keep spinning. What freaks me out the most is that I don't know what this thing is, how it is attached to my ovary and what this "thing" could mean for our TTC future. I am trying to just stay calm and remind myself that God will get me through this and that I am not going through this alone.

Pace, me and my friend "T" headed up North this weekend to enjoy the beautiful cool mountain weather. I had such a blast and definitely decided that our next camping trip would definitely be two nights instead of just one. It was so great to just get away with my friend and my husband and relax.

Nothing really else going on, just waiting to get the surgery over with and go from there. I hope that the surgery goes smoothly, that they don't have to remove any of my ovary, and that I heal quickly!

Thank you all for your kind words, prayers and encouragement. August is going to be a rough month for me and it would be so much more difficult without each of you!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Coming up for air

I finally have a minute to blog and update you all. Not really a whole lot going on right now fertility wise - just trying to wait until my surgery. I just want it to be over with. I want to know what the heck this thing is inside of me attaching itself to my ovary.

I have been crampy the last couple of days and was hoping that AF was on her way, but no cigar. I have been having some sharp pains in my left ovary today and I hope that is not related to the "ovarian mass". I just want it gone and I want the pathology report back ASAP. It is going to be so hard to wait until August 5th to get the results back.

I have been swamped at work this week which has made the days fly by which is a good thing. I haven't had time to write on my blog, but I have been reading all of yours out there. Jess - I really hate that I can't comment on your blog, but I am so proud of you for passing your first exam!

I had another pregnancy announcement on Sunday. I was a little upset because she is a very close friend of mine, knows all about our IF, but she and DH still told us about their pregnancy in the middle of a BBQ with about 20 of our other friends. We were the last people they told (which is why they told us at the BBQ because they didn't want us to hear it from anyone else at the BBQ) It sucked because we were the last ones to know and I thought (or I guess I hoped) that they would be comfortable enough to tell us before the felt that they had to in order to prevent us from finding out from someone else.

I feel pretty defeated with another pregnancy, another impending baby shower, surgery coming up, financial constraints preventing us from fertility treatments and adoption right now and some other stuff going on that I can't share on the Internet. Just kind of stressed and defeated and just waiting for this surgery to be over so I can try to regain some hope again.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Wow - what a weekend! *updated with pics!*

So my big party was Saturday and let me tell you...we had SO much fun! Yes it was hot, but it was fun anyway. We got up early on Saturday and my friend "T" came over to help get everything together, we decorated, went shopping and started on the infamous fruit bouqets. They didn't quite turn out the way I expected, but they were a hit anyway. We laughed, listened to music and totally worked our butts off getting everything ready.

Pace and two of his friends worked diligently in the backyard to get everything set up outside. Poor guys it was so hot!

We had a daiquiri machine running and T and I created our very own Pineapple-Coconut-Mango daiquiri mix. I was kind of nervous because I had never made anything like that and I wasn't sure what I was going to taste like, however it was GREAT! It was a huge hit and we ended up having to go back to the store for more later in the night.

People started arriving around 3:30, my friend "B" brought the coolest beach themed birthday cake Because it was so hot, most people ate first and then jumped right in the pool. We had a volleyball net set up, so everyone was playing volleyball. I think at one point we had 15 people in the pool! LOL After it cooled down a bit, we started playing horseshoes and if people needed to cool down further, they went inside for a cold drink and some pinball. I think overall everyone had a great time! I think we were in bed by around midnight (yes, I think that means I am getting old) but we were pooped!

Pace bought me this AWESOME digital camera for my birthday, I also got a super cute purse and wallet (which I have wanted for a long time, but I am too cheap to buy it for myself), I got some new Bett.y Bo.op pj's, some gift cards, and this super duper cool laundry sorter.

The story behind the laundry sorter: Pace is a very clean guy, he likes things tidy, in their place. I am more of a "" kind of girl (which has the tendency to drive Pace crazy.) So the laundry sorter is really more practical for him, but is going to be a HUGE saving for me too! It will help me keep the laundry neat and tidy which will appease my husband which will make me a very happy camper!

Sunday morning we got up and went to my favorite breakfast place (which stunk because the service was THE WORST and the food was less than spectacular). When we got home from breakfast, it was Work, Work, Work. My friend "K" did a HUGE amount of cleaning up during the party which totally saved my life, however there was plenty for us to do on Sunday as well. I am still cleaning up sticky mango juice from my floor. LOL

The weekend was great - there are some people out there that I wish could have been there, but circumstances, distance or some other cosmic event prevented that and it is ok, because I was thinking of you!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Here we go again

I had my follow up with Dr. Awesome yesterday. I just LOVE that place. I was in the office, had my u/s, did my follow up with the dr., then with the nurse, checked out all in 24 minutes! If I had been at my Ob/Gyn's office I would have still been sitting in the waiting room!

Anywho... my A.M.H tests came back at a 4 which the nurse seemed to be happy with. After doing a little bit of googling, I am not sure what to think, on most of the sites I found that is outside the normal range, actually on the high side. However, Dr. Awesome seemed very optimistic.

My little alien creature has grown. It is now almost 2cm (was 1.1 cm 3 weeks ago) so it has to come out. They still have no idea what it is, but it is definitely a solid mass. He said that it is not considered a cyst at this point, but a mass instead. (Cyst sounds less scary to me) I have surgery scheduled for July 29th, they will go in laparascopically (I have no idea if that is spelled right) and remove the mass and then send it to pathology to figure out what the heck it is. Until then...we are on a break.

I am freaking out a little about how the frick we are going to pay for all of this, we haven't gotten the bill for the A.M.H test yet, so I am terrified to see what that will come back as and we are still paying off our portion of our miscarriage and my surgery in January. Just adding another bill to the mix. Grrrrr

After my party this weekend we are really going to tighten up our belts and start saving our money for adoption and paying off our current bills.

Have any of you had the A.M.H test? If so, I would love to know how much it was and also your opinion on my level.

I will not be posting over the weekend, but will catch up with you all on Monday!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Whew...need to get caught up!

I haven't written a lot lately because it has just been crazy around our home. Wednesday was my birthday (which I previously posted about) Thursday was back to work as usual. Pace and I both had Friday off so we got up, did some chores and then invited some friends and family over to swim and hang out. That is when the weekend got really interesting.

I had just gotten out of the pool and was visiting with my MIL when I heard someone at the door. One of my friends went inside to answer it, so I just stayed outside and visited. I heard someone coming out through the back door and turned to see who it was and to my surprise, it was my dear friends Jared and Tiffany from Hawaii! Jared is stationed in Hawaii right now with the Army and they TOTALLY surprised me with a visit. It was so amazing. I was shaking and crying, this was just by far the most amazing birthday EVER!

So the rest of the weekend consisted of finishing our fire pit seating, installing the horseshoe pits, mowing the yard, finishing our tiki bar (I'll explain later) swimming, hosting bbq's, attending bbq's and just having a darn nice time with friends. It really was just a super weekend.

This Saturday we are having a Luau themed birthday party for me. I am so excited, the party really has turned into more of a Luau than a "birthday party" which is fine by me. Pace and I have really put a lot of work into this party and we will be so happy when we are finally able to enjoy the party with our friends!

For the party, we used palm trimmings to form our very own tiki cover which will cover the tiki bar. We have a margarita machine (which I will make my favorite mango Daiquiris in) tons of decorations, horseshoe pits, ping pong, badminton, swimming, Wii, pinball...NO ONE should be bored, and if they's their own fault!

We are just going to do sub sandwiches, chips and dip and cool decorative fruit bowls. (Well, I think they are going to be cool, they look really cool in my head...we will see how they turn out) LOL I know, I know...we should be roasting a pig or something but it is projected to be 114 here on Saturday and I want Pace to be able to enjoy the party instead of worrying about cooking and such. So I am very excited for the party!!! I will post pictures of it next week!

On the infertility front...I have really put it out of my mind (as much as possible) for now. I have preoccupied myself with the party and am totally ok with that. I have my follow up appt. with the RE today, I had actually forgotten about it until yesterday (that is such an awesome feeling!). So today I will find out what that pesky cyst is doing and also find out what my ovarian reserve level is at. Kind of scary, but it will be nice to have some answers.

Love to you all - I hope you all had a fantastic fourth of July and hopefully I can upload some pics very soon!

Thursday, July 02, 2009

My husband is the BOMB DIGGITY!

So, yesterday was my birthday. I knew Pace was taking me to my favorite sushi place for dinner, but I thought that was all we had planned. BOY WAS I WRONG - here goes my story from last night.

4:30 I get home to an empty house, call Pace he says he is on his way home and would be there shortly

4:45 Pace gets home, I change quickly into something comfy so I can gorge myself on sushi. I go to walk out to the truck to find this outside my house
OK - don't get too excited, it was rented, not purchased, but I don't care it is a freakin awesome car! I cry, I scream, I jump up and down like an idiot, I have never been in a corvette, especially not a hot red one like this!
5:00 we start heading towards dinner, we take the long way so we can spend as much time in the car as possible
6:00 Finish up dinner. It was AWESOME! I crave my favorite sushi from this place, so now that craving has been satisfied...for now. Pace tells me we have to go to Fed.Ex to pick something up and then we have an appointment at 7:30.
6:10 Heading towad Fed.Ex, he won't tell me what the appointment is, so I just sit back and enjoy the sick ride in the sick car!
6:30 Got Fed.Ex package, Pace tells me to open it. It is two tickets to last nights showing of the Broadway musical "Wick.ed"!!! Oh my gosh, the tears again, I was so excited. I couldn't wait!
7:30 Show starts and I cry. I cry because I am so over the moon happy. My husband really went out of his way to make this birthday special and I love him so much for that.
11:00 Hit the bar for a quick nightcap (I know it was a Wed. night and I am usually well into a deep REM by this time at night, but come on! I have a freakin Corv.ette to drive around - there is no time to sleep!)
I felt like a princess the entire night and I didn't think about infertility or adoption once. (Ok - that's not entirely true, I did catch myself thinking "man if we had kids we would never be able to have a cute little two seater sports care like this - I think I could get used to this.") I had an entire night of doing things that pregnant women can't do - shouldn't do at least (sorry for those of you that are pregnant) and for the first time in a long time instead of being pouty and sulky about it.
Thank you husband for the best birthday I could have ever imagined and thank you God for bringing such a special man into my life. - you rock too!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

It is what it is...

My husband says that all the time and honestly sometimes it really irritates the crap out of me. It seems like a scapegoat, a cop-out, but this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was struck with an entirely different perspective.

Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.

I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.

It is what it is.

And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.

I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.

I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!

Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.

God Bless!