Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Back in the saddle

So, it is time. I am getting back in the saddle for the long, sweaty, unpredictable ride of another medicated cycle.

I went to my new dr. yesterday. She was really great! I told her all about our history and our desire to conceive and the first thing she asked me was if I had ever taken Clo mid. To which I responded "no" and expressed my dissatisfaction with our RE that we were seeing last year.

So after much discussion, she and I decided that we were going to try Clo mid. I go back to her on April 30th for an ultrasound to be sure that I have no cysts, and then...away we go. Even though Pace and I have been TTC since we got married, for some reason when we are seeking medical help (seeing and RE, taking drugs, Clo mid, etc.) just seems to add so much more stress to the whole situation. Last month seemed to go so easily. It was a little rough for me at the very end, but all in all, it wasn't a bad cycle. Now every time I think about having an u/s, taking Clo mid, doing ovulation prediction kits, my stomach curls up into a little tiny ball, my big toe goes numb and my heart skips a beat.

The worst part about all of this is that I will have just finished my first round of Clo mid when Mother's Day will be descending upon me. The dreaded holiday that I don't know if I will every be able to love again. In fact, infertility has really taken the "sparkle" off of all holidays. So, I will probably be a psychotic maniac mess for mothers day - consider yourself warned!

Please pray that Clo mid works, they will only let us do 6 months of this treatment, and I don't know what the next step will be after this.

I want to thank all of my lovely friends on the TTC board that continue to encourage and support even when I go MIA for a while. You ladies are the best and one of the main reasons I have made it through the last 3 years! Muah!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Leave the pieces

I heard this song this morning right after I woke up with cramps, realized that AF was here early this month and that once again, this month is a bust. So this song is my tribute to Infertility. It really hit home to me and rings true:

"Leave The Pieces"
You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on
Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
I guess my dr. appt. will have to be rescheduled now...just one more delay.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Just when I started bragging...

I was doing SO good this month! I REALLY hadn't thought about being (or not being) pg that much. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry and bitter, I didn't do ANY ovulation prediction tests, and I haven't taken 1 pg test...I was really making progress.

And then...

I broke...

It kind of started with my FIL's comment last night, but then just a few minutes ago, I crumbled. I just found out that Pace's ex is pg with her 2nd. It's kind of a strange situation, but Pace and his brother were dating sisters, his brother has 2 daughters (our nieces) with one of them and the one that Pace dated is now married and a mom. I instantly felt SO angry and bitter. I like his ex. She is a very sweet girl and trust me it is nothing personal between me and her. However this huge flood of emotion came over me and I couldn't help but think "If Pace had stayed with her, he would be a daddy right now. He would have someone to carry on his name and he would be able to be the father he has always wanted to be."

Mass hysteria and utter chaos is going on in my mind right now and I just had to write this down because I am at work right now and if I didn't get it out somehow, I would end up a sobbing mess here at my desk and my boss would look at me like I am a freak (again).


Yep ladies and gentlemen...I am oficially a member of the ATV riders association. I figured since Pace had a quad, I needed one too so we could go out riding together. Mine is a used one and it needs a little bit of work (minor cosmetic stuff) but it is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to take it out riding!

My father in law and his new wife (they just got married yesterday) are going to come visit us this weekend. I am excited to meet his wife and also to see him, it has been almost 2 years since we have seen him. It will be nice to hear what he has to say about our house and the life that Pace and I are building together.
FIL asked the dreaded question last night. Pace had told him that I had a surprise to show him when he got to our house (meaning the quad) however my FIL asked if it was a grandbaby. It broke my heart to have to hear my husband tell his dad "no." It was the first time this cycle that I got really sad about being infertile. I am actually having a good month for once! But it just made me so damn mad! Why can't I give my husband a child and our parents a grandchild? It just isn't fair!

Here is the big news: Back in Dec. I called to make an appt. for my "well woman" check. The EARLIEST my OB/GYN could get me in was MAY 9th! I was shocked, but it actually worked out great because that would be the 6 month point of doing the M.etf.ormin and Pro.vera combo. I figured that if we weren't pg by May 9th, then I could talk to the dr. about Clomid. So, my dr. called yesterday to tell me that they needed to RESCHEDULE my appt. because the dr. was going to be at a conference on May 9th. I flipped! They wanted to push my appt. back to May 30th, but in order to get in that early, I would have to go with a different dr.

I was so frustrated I told her not to even bother, I would call someone else and I was just going to have to change dr. I told her that if their schedule was that full, maybe they should stop taking new patients. I have been going to them for 5 years, and this is how I get treated!!! Probably cause I can't get pg, so to them I am only a spread 'em once a year paycheck instead of an intense 9 mo. pg with multiple appts. and delivery paycheck. I feel like they have just left me in the dust. They were the ones I went to first, right off at the beginning of my IF. Over 3 years ago, they were the first ones that I opened up to about my desire to have a child and my inability to do so. They were so kind and compassionate back then, but now they couldn't care less about me.

However, I called a different OB/GYN, the lady on the phone was VERY nice, I told her my issue with my current dr. and she said that they rarely book out more than 2 weeks in advance. She said she could get me in on MONDAY!!!! Yes, Monday, like in just a few days. When I told her that I was battling IF, she said "Oh, well I will set you up with Dr. K, she is excellent and has lots of information and experience with IF." I instantly felt better! Hopefully this will be a change for the best and my new dr. will GET ME PREGNANT!!!!!!