Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Freakin Halloween

BFN this morning...not really suprised. Disappointed though. I wanted to write, but I am just not in the right space right now. Things are tough and I am tired of writing angry, depressing posts. I am sure you all get tired of reading them as I am just waiting for AF and taking a break.

My mom always told me if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at that is what I am going to do. Not say anything at all.

Happy Halloween to you all!

Monday, October 27, 2008

So Alone

I just feel so alone right now.

I still have no idea what the heck is going on with my cycle this month. Thankfully by this time next week I will either have a BFP or AF so I can stop worrying and analyzing my body every 10 seconds. I am on prom.etrium right now, so that gives me all of the "symptoms" with no real "result" sucks.

My company laid off 2 people today...3 more to come tomorrow. I am just devastated. I work for a VERY small company...there are 15 people on payroll including myself and 2 owners, so cutting 5 employees is a HUGE deal. These people are my family. I have worked for this company for almost 8 years and these people are more than just co-workers. They went to my wedding, my college graduation, they sent flowers when I had my miscarriage, they know my family, they know some of my friends. These people are family to me and the thought of not seeing them when I go into the office in the morning makes me so sad. Some of them have are they going to find another job in this economy? The owners could have reduced costs elsewhere, but there first cut was employees. They didn't reduce advertising or vehicle costs...they didn't cut hours or put a freeze on spending and very first cut they made in our budget was 5 employees. I am so sad and feel like I am losing such a huge support system. I am thankful that I still have a job...but it won't be the same. Ever since the company went under new ownership last year, it hasn't been the same. I have worked so hard for the last 7 years to help build this company to watch the new owners tear it down in a year. It sucks.

Then Pace and I got into an argument today. Things have been rough at his work as well for the last couple of months and there has been some family stuff going on as well, so we have both been under a lot of pressure. Today, it just all fell apart and I sit here now in an empty house knowing that my husband, my best friend is mad at me, and doesn't even want to be here with me. Not that I can blame him...I have been pretty difficult lately. I know that some of it is stress and most of it is hormones, but that isn't an excuse...

I am tired of feeling like this...just one more week and then no more more pills. I just want to feel like me again.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Ok...can I catch a break?

I still haven't gotten a positive ovulation test. In they are all one line only. So I am thinking that either I didn't ovulate...or I missed the ovulation. Either way...this cycle sucks.

I started taking Prom.etrium last night just in case and will test in a week to see what we have...although I am pretty sure I already know.

After this cycle we are going to do at least two cycles without Clo.mid. I will still take OPK's and try to do this the old fashioned way. I am not very optimistic, but my body (and my mind) just need a break. Especially with the holidays coming up. Me+Holidays+Clo.mid= Blood Bath.

So we will take at least Nov. and Dec. off and then will probably go see a new RE at the beginning of the year. Hopefully we can find one that is a little closer to home (and cheaper) than the RE we used to see.

It's nice having a plan and I am really looking forward to the break. This last cycle of Clo.mid really freaked me out! LOL

My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and in that conversation she told me about the sonogram she had yesterday. She is 18 weeks along and is having another baby girl. She had 2 girls now one that is 4 and the other 2. Her 2 year old has down syndrome so they are monitoring the new baby very closely. The first symptom of the 2 year old having DS was that her kidneys were dilated in-utero. My sister found out that the new baby's kidneys are dilated as well. This does not mean she has DS, but it is a little concerning for my sister. She and her husband have chosen not to have an amnio or any further testing done (other than the norm). So, please pray for them. Either way they are going to love this little girl, I just ask that you pray for peace and patience as this is a very nerve wracking time for her right now.

My other sister is 22 weeks along and they have chosen not to find out what they are having.

Man Christmas is going to be awesome (insert sarcasm here)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The holidays are a comin...

I had an amazing weekend. It was emotionally draining, inspirational, exhausting and stressful, but it was a good weekend.

Friday night I went out to dinner with Pace and my good friend Trisha, we went to a fish house and I had the most amazing crab!

Then Saturday morning the three of us participated in a Remembrance walk for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It was amazing. I cried almost the entire time. We were able to write messages to our babies which were read for everyone to hear. We were able to share our stories, poems and songs and at the end there was a balloon toss. Here is a picture of Pace and I that my friend Trisha took. We are watching the balloons head up to the heavens:

I am definitely going to make this an annual thing for me. It was so wonderful being around people that are in similar situations or feel the same way that I do in real life. This Saturday the Catholic Church that I used to attend is holding a special mass for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Even though I no longer consider myself "Catholic" I think it will be nice to be in a church and have my loss acknowledged. It seems that my church totally revolves around babies, pregnancy and children and sometimes it is just too much to take.

Then Saturday evening Pace and I met up with my friend J and her husband G. They have 3 angels in heaven as well, and did a candle lighting ceremony with us last Wednesday. We have a farm out here in AZ that has fresh produce, a corn maize, petting zoo, and carnival rides right now for a fall festival. HORRIBLE IDEA TO GO!!!! I think 70 percent of the women there were pregnant and EVERYONE had kids. I didn't realize the entire event was geared towards kids...but it was. And we had to pay $12 to get in, so I wasn't just going to leave...I was going to get some enjoyment out of it. We had Pace's little sister with us (she's 3) so that was helpful...kind of. At least we looked like we belonged there because we had here with us.

The holidays suck. I usually love Halloween! It is one of my favorite holidays, not anymore. I told Pace the other night that I am not sure if I will be able to hang out and hand out candy. I just want to be around adults...with no kids. No cute little costumes, no 16 year old girls trick or treating with their babies...I just don't want to do it this year.

I am still waiting on ovulation. I don't know what is going on...I have gotten like 4 or 5 tests with faint second lines, but no "positives" Today is CD22 so I am not sure what to think. I will keep testing for another week. My body definitely does not seem to be as cooperative this cycle. GRrrrrr

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is a monumental day for me. It is my first year of participating in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I have a candle lit on my desk this morning for my little angel and plan on doing a candle lighting ceremony with my friend that has 3 angels in heaven tonight.

Today also marks 2 months since my baby went to heaven. I should be 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now. I should have ultrasound pictures and should be shopping for nursery furniture. Instead, I am snuggling my little stuffed bear at night that we named our little angel baby after.

This week has been totally up and down. I got an email from one of my pregnant sisters with ultrasound pics and a 20 week belly pic. I keep going back and forth. On one hand I think it is incredibly insensitive for her to include me on those emails, on the other hand, it feels nice that I am not being treated differently. Either hurts. I guess I am just hard to please.

My other sister that is pregnant doesn't talk about her pregnancy with me at all. She doesn't bring it up and when I ask how she is feeling, she simply responds with "good." and then changes the subject. I think I prefer that. I know that I am going to have to see both of them and their big pregnant bellies at Christmas, however at least in the meantime I can just stay in the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset.

For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, you will recall that I was a volunteer crisis counselor at a crisis pregnancy center for 3 years and continued volunteering there up until my miscarriage. Well, since then one of my main clients had her baby. She called me on Sunday to let me know that she had a baby girl and that her baby shower was going to be this coming Saturday. She has no job, she is 17 years old, she did not graduate High School, she knew her boyfriend 2 months before she got pregnant and now...she has a beautiful baby girl. While she is celebrating the birth of her new baby on Saturday, I will be doing a remembrance walk for the loss of mine. The baby that I struggled to have for 3 and a half years.

Everything in life just seems so unfair.

I am currently on CD 16 still anxiously awaiting ovulation.

Here is the daily scripture that I receive via email, this is the one from today. I thought it was very fitting and I do store my treasures in heaven. My amazing child, a priceless treasure is in heaven where s/he doesn't have to feel pain, disappointment, regret, fear or sickness.

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
~ Matthew 6:20, NLT

Mommy loves you Baby Becker. More than I will ever be able to show you. You are my treasure and God is holding you now, keeping you safe and protected and when I get there, I will hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep and do all of the things that we missed out on here on earth. Watch over your family little Baby Becker and know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and will love you more and more every day.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Whew....I'm glad that's over!

Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!

I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.

I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.

However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.

Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.

October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!

I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Quickly losing my grasp

I started this blog over 2 years ago to help me deal with my IF. I needed an outlet to vent and just get all the crap out there and whoever decided to read it could...and if no one read it that was ok too.

At the time that I started this blog, Pace and I had been trying for 1 year and 9 months. I named this blog "My grasp at sanity" because I was just entering that stage of IF where IF consumes your entire life. It consumes your thoughts, your conversations, your money, your emotions...everything. I knew that the road was only going to get worse and at times I would feel crazy, so I thought the title was very fitting.

I had no idea how fitting it really was...until recently.

I haven't blogged lately because I have been in some sort of emotional hell. Right after my miscarriage I started having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that would literally make me scream out loud. Over the last couple of weeks they are more frequent...almost every night. The theme changes, it isn't the same dream, it is always different. It makes me scared to go to sleep at night. I don't WANT to have nightmares. I don't WANT to see what I see in my dreams.

My anxiety levels have just skyrocketed. I have panic attacks and always think of the WORST situations. For example: We went quading a couple weeks ago in the mountains, my husband went out riding with one of his buddies and I stayed at camp with the rest of our friends. However, I couldn't relax and just enjoy my mind was racing with horrible thoughts. I could see Pace rolling the quad and severing his leg, flying off the road and off of a cliff... you name it, if it is horrific and terrifying...I thought it. I ended up in a full blown, hyperventilating, shaking, pounding heart, anxiety attack. It is ludicrous for me to think these thoughts but I just can't help them. They consume my mind.

I have irrational fears. Pace was working nights this week and I couldn't even take a shower while he wasn't home. I tried, but all I did was frantically stare out the shower door looking for the boogey man. When I tried to wash my face, I flew into a panic attack when I had to close my eyes.

I feel like I have totally lost the old Nichole.

I am so different now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, am always looking for the other foot to drop.

I know that I should go to therapy and be medicated for my anxiety attacks, but I don't want to take more medicine. I already take enough and I don't want to take anything that might screw my body up and push my dream of being a mother even farther away. I just needed to vent to my cyber buddies out there. I just needed to let you know what is up with me right now.

I am quickly losing my grasp on sanity. The sanity that I feared losing over 2 years ago, it is now becoming somewhat of a reality. If I only knew 2 years ago what I know now.

My last Clo.mid pill is tonight and then I will start taking Prom.etrium a day or two after I ovulate. So hopefully I can get a week or so in between the two where my already unstable emotional state isn't being influenced by medication.