Monday, October 13, 2008

Whew....I'm glad that's over!

Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!

I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.

I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.

However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.

Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.

October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!

I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.


CG said...

I will be praying for you.

Nikki said...

I'm glad you're feeling better now that you're off Clomid. I too had those flashing lights while I was on it, and thought I was losing my mind!

Last week I also made peace with God and went to God's house and prayed. It felt calming in a way.

Glad that you had that talk with Pace. You will get through this. You are a very strong woman, and I wish you the very best in this cycle. Hopefully all this will be behind you soon!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh Nicole, I'm praying for you. I thought of you a lot with my last post. I pray that God will continue to comfort and hold you.

Lauren said...

It's good to hear you're feeling better. :)
It's hard to get past that whole anger thing, I know, but just take baby steps. :)

Lauren said...

Right after I clicked "publish your comment" I realized that "baby steps" was probably not the best choice of phrase. I'm a dunce. Sorry!!!! :(