Wednesday, October 15, 2008

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is a monumental day for me. It is my first year of participating in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I have a candle lit on my desk this morning for my little angel and plan on doing a candle lighting ceremony with my friend that has 3 angels in heaven tonight.

Today also marks 2 months since my baby went to heaven. I should be 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now. I should have ultrasound pictures and should be shopping for nursery furniture. Instead, I am snuggling my little stuffed bear at night that we named our little angel baby after.

This week has been totally up and down. I got an email from one of my pregnant sisters with ultrasound pics and a 20 week belly pic. I keep going back and forth. On one hand I think it is incredibly insensitive for her to include me on those emails, on the other hand, it feels nice that I am not being treated differently. Either hurts. I guess I am just hard to please.

My other sister that is pregnant doesn't talk about her pregnancy with me at all. She doesn't bring it up and when I ask how she is feeling, she simply responds with "good." and then changes the subject. I think I prefer that. I know that I am going to have to see both of them and their big pregnant bellies at Christmas, however at least in the meantime I can just stay in the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset.

For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, you will recall that I was a volunteer crisis counselor at a crisis pregnancy center for 3 years and continued volunteering there up until my miscarriage. Well, since then one of my main clients had her baby. She called me on Sunday to let me know that she had a baby girl and that her baby shower was going to be this coming Saturday. She has no job, she is 17 years old, she did not graduate High School, she knew her boyfriend 2 months before she got pregnant and now...she has a beautiful baby girl. While she is celebrating the birth of her new baby on Saturday, I will be doing a remembrance walk for the loss of mine. The baby that I struggled to have for 3 and a half years.

Everything in life just seems so unfair.

I am currently on CD 16 still anxiously awaiting ovulation.

Here is the daily scripture that I receive via email, this is the one from today. I thought it was very fitting and I do store my treasures in heaven. My amazing child, a priceless treasure is in heaven where s/he doesn't have to feel pain, disappointment, regret, fear or sickness.

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
~ Matthew 6:20, NLT

Mommy loves you Baby Becker. More than I will ever be able to show you. You are my treasure and God is holding you now, keeping you safe and protected and when I get there, I will hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep and do all of the things that we missed out on here on earth. Watch over your family little Baby Becker and know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and will love you more and more every day.


Nikki said...

Nichole, my candles will burn tonight in honor and memory of Baby Becker, along with my babies. I hope they are all together in heaven, looking after each other.

Take care of yourself.

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

how many pregnant sisters do you have???

my sister is pregnant and she doesnt really talk to me about it. i feel the same way you do..its no fun to hear about but i dont want to feel like i am being treated differently.

hopefully youll be pregnant by christmas and have a teeny belly!

Hope2morrow said...

I'm thinking of you today.

C said...

((hugs)) I'm sorry for the fact that you have a reason to participate in this am I. But, you are stronger than you realize.

I have a co-worker of mine that's about 2 wks behind where I would've been in my pg...and she just found out she's having a girl. It stings for many reasons, but what can you do.

I'm sorry you're having to figure out how you prefer your sisters to be...I don't have an answer, but I am listening.

Stay strong my friend, you're getting through this. And I'm here with hugs anytime.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I was thinking about you yesterday Nicole; praying for you as the day went on.

I put this on my blog today - but was thinking about you especially (it's from my devotional book):

"God knows that you can withstand your trial, or else He would not have given it to you. His trust in you explains the trials of your life, no matter how severe they may be. God knows your strength, and He measures it to the last inch. Remember, no trial has ever been given to anyone that was greater than that person's strength, through God, to endure it."

The trial of miscarriage, the trial of jealousy, the trial of having sisters pregnant when you are not, the trial of not understanding why things aren't fair... these are all trials God will carry you through. He is there for you always. Keep the faith; lean on Him. I can't promise that things get better, but I can promise that you are stronger than you know and God is constantly with you.

I'm praying for you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

For Random Reassurance Week, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. I love your support and honesty.

katd said...

I'm here from Mel's blog, and it's my first comment, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss. I'm so sorry you're hurting and have been through such a great loss.