Saturday, January 31, 2009

Seriously...think before you speak

I just got back from dinner and drinks with some friends and I am so upset. We aren't real close with these people, but we have known them for years and they are one of the few couples we know that don't have kids. The last time we saw them was August 9th, 2008. You do you remember the exact date?

That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.

About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.

She replies "You guys just need to relax"

I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."

She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."

I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"

At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."

At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).

I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.

People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.

I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Here We Go Again

The title of this post has many meanings.

I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.

So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.

Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!

Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.

I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day. we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

New Perspective

Good Afternoon my blogger buddies - Over the last 4 years (3 years 11 months and one day to be exact) my husband and I have faced some debilitating challenges. As our 4 year wedding anniversary approaches (a month away) I have been doing a lot of thinking about our marriage and everything we have endured over the last 4 years.

I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.

He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?

We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.

I love you Mr. Clinger!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

On to Bigger and Better Things

Sorry all for the last outburst. I needed to cut some ties, and unfortunately it had to be here, but it is done, the chapter is closed and I can move on to bigger and better things.

I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.

My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!

I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:

She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"

Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)

She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"

Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."

She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"

Me: "I love you too! Bye"

Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"

I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.

I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her poor sister! LOL

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Public Service Announcement

I just wanted to write a quick blurb to let you all know that I am not going to make my blog private. There are too many people I have met because the "fell" onto my blog, and I don't want to miss out on those opportunities.

However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.

I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.

I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.

Thank you

Monday, January 19, 2009


I am SO excited that the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl!!!! Pace and I spent yesterday surrounded by our close friends and family. We had a great time, ate way too much food and yelled a little too much, but we had a great time!

We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.

I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!

I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.

Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

2 is the magic number

I'm home. I'm sore, I feel like I have been hit by a truck, but I am home and well.

The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.

They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.

I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!

I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.

Much love!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Starting To Freak

My lab work is done, I have given my medical history and I 32 hours away from my surgery. I know that it is a minor, routine surgery, but I am still freaking a little. I am freaking about being put under, about doing/saying something stupid while under anesthesia, about what they will find. I am just a freak.

I have had a rough couple of days. My great Aunt passed away. I was supposed to sing at her funeral, but the funeral is KS. No way I could go and be back for my surgery. So my sister flew home and is going to be singing with my mom. I am sad that I can't be there, but I need to do this and I can't put it off.

A very dear family friend of Pace's passed away this weekend. The poor man had been battling cancer for a few years now. It was awful what he had to go through and I am so thankful his pain is over.

I had a fantastic weekend with my husband. We played Playstation 3, we wrestled, tickled, laughed, watched lots of football and just enjoyed each other. I love it when we enjoy each other like that.

Here are a few pics from our New Years trip. I will update you all on my surgery as quickly as I can.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Hello 2009

We are back and we all came back in one piece! We had an absolutely amazing time! I was a little scared of the riding just because it was my first time and well...I can be a chicken sh!t at times, but I was riding with great drivers and after I got over my initial fear it was all good.

It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.

We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.

I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.

I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.

My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.

After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.

So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
  • Had an anxiety attack in front of all of my closest friends (embarrassing!!!)

  • Gotten a negative pregnancy test

  • Been extremely emotional and weepy

  • Had a great vacation
I decided for 2009 that I wasn't going to take life so seriously. I am going to make a conscience effort to not get so worked up over small things. I am going to be very cautious who I let into my life (and who I let out). I am going to try to have fun more often and not be so hard on myself. I want to try to have a brighter, healthier outlook on life. (Easier said than done, but anything will help)

Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.

I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.

In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!