Wednesday, December 31, 2008


For those of you that aren't familiar, the Im.perial S.and D.unes in CA is a huge gathering place for the new year. Everyone brings out their quads, S.and R.ails, Buggies, d.irt b.ikes and more toys to enjoy endless amounts of sand, drinking and fun.

This is where we are headed today.

We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!

I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Survived Christmas

I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write here goes.

We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.

We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.

In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.

After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"

Me: "For What?"

Her: "You're pregnant!"

Me: " lost the baby"

Her: "Oh...when?"

Me: "In August."

Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"

Me: "A little over 6 weeks."

Her: "Oh, I am so just wasn't meant to be"

Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.

The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.

Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!

I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!

I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.

Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.

Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.

We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.

Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.

Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.

I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.


Breakdown #6

Friday, December 19, 2008

I heard you that time!

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying about this trip back home to KS. Basically, I am most worried about me ending up spending the entire time throwing myself a pity party and being jealous of my two pregnant sisters.

This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT

Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.

Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.

Thank you


Thursday, December 18, 2008

S - Day...January 14th

The scheduling lady called me today and my surgery is officially set for January 14th at 10:00 am. I was a little peeved that it was on a MONDAY... now that means I have to take off at least 2 days of work, possibly even 3. That does not really make me very happy because my company is in the process of a huge change over and I really can't afford to miss work in January, but I don't want to put it off either.

I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."

So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.

My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).

Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.

Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.

God I hope I can pull this off.

Monday, December 15, 2008


I met with Dr. P today. Meeting with him was nice, but once again, the office staff was less than desirable. I had to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to be seen...HELLO???? Did I NOT make an appointment?

Anywho...he agrees that my symptoms are basically screaming endo. So, he has agreed to do the laparoscopy as well as a hysteroscopy. He wants to make sure I don't also have scarring inside the uterus etc, so that is the reason for both procedures. I am scared and excited. Honestly, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.

I did my Christmas baking yesterday and then went over to my sisters (the only one that isn't pregnant) to put up their Christmas tree and we also decorated the outside. They are so busy and they have been riddled with illnesses, injuries and car accidents over the last 2 weeks, so they haven't had the chance to decorate. We thought it would be a nice gesture and also fun to help them do that...and it was!

The weather looks a little hairy for driving to KS this weekend. Three different storm systems are coming through bringing lots of rain here and snow North of us along our path to KS. Hopefully the precipitation will either be minimal or will melt by the time we hit the road Saturday morning. My sister was talking about possibly not being able to make it home for Christmas and that made me sad. I know that being home with my two VERY pregnant sisters is going to be so hard, and I know that there will be plenty of tears shed, but the thought of going any longer without seeing my family made me very sad. So, now I am looking forward to it, I am going into it knowing that there will be challenges, and there will be some awkward moments, but I will get through them and I will have a good time in spite of myself!

I am stilling waiting to "O" doesn't look like it is going to happen this month. All well...maybe that is better, at least I don't have to worry about my Christmas being ruined by another BFN. This Christmas I won't have to worry about it - I can just relax and wait for AF. (if she comes).

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Alter Egos

My Friend Emily posted this and I thought it was cute...and not quite as heavy as my last post. I am working on another post, but so many thoughts are running through my mind right now, I need to wait to put them all together in a logical manner. Here is a fun light hearted one, hope you enjoy!

1. My rock star name: *Kujo Tundra*{First pet and current car}
2. My gangsta name: *Whatchamacallit no bake*{Favorite candy bar and favorite cookie}
3. My detective name: *Green cat*{Favorite color and favorite animal}
4. My Star Wars name: *Clini of Metformin *{First three letters of last name and first two letters of first name then the word "of" then a medication you are on}
5. My superhero name: *The Red Tea*{2nd favorite color and favorite drink with "The" in front}
6. My Nascar name: *Josephine Nadene*{First names of your grandmothers}
7. My "lover" name: *Curious Shock Tarts *{Name of your favorite perfume/cologne and your favorite candy}
8. Witness-protection name: *Ellen Raymond*{Mother's and father's middle names} favorite is Clini of Metformin. It's hilarious! Thanks for posting this was nice to do something fun and uplifting!

Hope you all are doing well - I am just waiting to "O" again. Have my consult on Monday with the surgeon. Good Times.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Greetings Earthlings

Pace and I just got home from a night out with friends. We don't go out often anymore, so tonight was a special treat. At least I thought it was going to be.

I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.

I am depressed.

I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.

It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.

I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.

Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.

He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.

It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.

I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The talks

The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.

The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.

When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.

This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.

So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.

The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?

Monday, December 01, 2008

I'm pulling the trigger...

For the last 6 months or so, I have been experiencing very common symptoms of endometriosis. I am not going to go into details on exactly what those symptoms are because some of you I know in real life and even after all of this infertility crap, I still have a little bit of pride left.

However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.

I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.

After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.

For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.

The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.

Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.

I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I need an "OFF" button for my brain

Our Thanksgiving was great! It was so nice to get away and the scenery in Idaho was breathtaking! There wasn't very much snow, but that is ok, I am still hoping for a white Christmas in Kansas.

We went up to a natural hot spring which was AWESOME! The water was the perfect temperature and it was exhilarating to be outside in the elements when it is 40 degrees outside and strip down to my bathing suit and jump in. Brrrrrr!

Pace spent a lot of his time splitting wood with his dad. Their main source of heat in the house is a wood burning stove, so splitting wood is a very important chore! We befriended a little squirrel that lives in my FIL's backyard. Pace named him Merl - I love him - isn't that adorable!

We took walks back into the woods, ate organic food, plucked feathers out of the turkey and had a deer walk through the backyard literally 10 feet away from us. It was so relaxing and was just a wonderful trip.

However, I wasn't really feeling very well. I was extremely tired the entire trip and man were my bb's sore!!! I just kind of felt like I was in a funk. So of course, I immediately thought exactly what you all are probably thinking now. That I was pregnant. I really tried not to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be devastated (again) but I couldn't help it. The way I was feeling was so convincing. I started imagining in my mind how we would wait to announce our pregnancy until Christmas, and how awesome it would be to announce it then. I could wrap something up in a little gift to my parents and when they opened it in front of everyone...SURPRISE!!!! It would make seeing my two pregnant sisters at Christmas much more manageable and everything was just falling into place. I calculated my estimated due date and started rethinking names.

So I held off testing until Friday and...

WHITE! All white. I just don't understand. I was devastated and spent most of the day Friday speechless. I just wanted to lie in bed all day and not see or talk to anyone. It is just so unfair and to be honest, I am tired. I am almost ready to just give up trying to conceive and start pursuing adoption.

I just want a child. I want to see the magic of Christmas in our child's eye, I want to watch Pace putting together all the new toys on Christmas day and then having to console our child because daddy is playing with all the toys and s/he hasn't had a chance to. LOL

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am just so darn frustrated I could scream.

AF came yesterday, so if I have a repeat cycle this month and ovulate around day 11 again, that would put my test date VERY close to Christmas Eve. I am terrified because I know that as the time gets closer, I will talk myself into the fact that this will be our month, I will take the test on Christmas morning and we will get our little Christmas miracle. It will be the best Christmas ever and God has picked this special time of year to reveal our miracle...and then the test will be NEGATIVE and I will be devastated and miserable for Christmas.

I just wish I could turn off my brain. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this infertility crap.

Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm off...

I am leaving tonight for Idaho, and won't be back until Thanksgiving day. I don't know if I will have the opportunity to be on the computer while we are gone, so I wanted to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I know that dealing with IF makes it very hard to be thankful for things, but I suggest making a list. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for - I know that it sure is helping me get through this week!

I am thankful for:
My blogger and other internet friends who support me and my struggle with infertility from all parts of the world. I am so thankful that I have people that I can pour out my struggles to and not be shamed, or given crappy assvice! LOL

My husband. IF has made some areas of our marriage VERY strained, but he has never given up on me. When I am crazy on fertility meds, or when I am thinking of my miscarriage and I can't stop crying, he never leaves my side. I love that man and someday he is going to make some child(ren) very lucky by being the best dad!

My friends IRL. I have had some really crappy friends in the past, but this last year has opened doors for me to meet some of the most amazing men and women. I am so grateful that I can call these people friends!

Job security - In this very scary economy I am SO thankful that we both have job least for now.

My family - They really have been wonderful. They try to understand my infertility as much as they can, for the most part, they just listen. Which is sometimes all I want/need.

My increasing health - This year my periods have returned on their own, I started ovulating on my own AND I am well on my way to my very first EVER 27 day cycle. - Incredible!

My Faith - This, above all has allowed me to continue this journey. I am so thankful that I serve a Lord that is forgiving, a Lord that never looks at my past to determine my future and a Lord that loves me where I am.

God Bless each and every one of you. May you all have safe travels and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 22, 2008 promised.

OK - a week ago I promised that I would post some pics - so here they are. BTW - the profile picture was taken of Pace and I just hours after we found out we were pregnant with our angel baby.

This is the sign I painted for our friend "J" who was on leave from Iraq

Pic of Pace and I camping

Pace and I with our riding gear - Riding in the mountains of Arizona!

That is all for know. Still in the 2WW. Trying VERY hard to not test early!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Bucket List

My blogger friend Nikki tagged me today. I haven't seen the movie Bucket List, however I understand the theme and that is going to be the theme of this post.

10 things I want to do before I die:

1. Be a mom to an earth baby...a human one. I think that goes without saying.

2. Take my husband to Switzerland. I visited this beautiful country when I was in high school, and I want to badly to share the beauty and history with the love of my life.

3. Renew my vows in the Christian church. When we got married, we hadn't found a church yet. Although we had a "Christian" ceremony, we were not married in a church, and someday I would love to walk down the "aisle" in a real church with my husband standing in front.

4. Go on a cruise. We never really went on a honeymoon, and I would love to go on a cruise with my hubby and pretend like it is our honeymoon all over again.

5. Write a book. I love to write. It is therapeutic and that is the whole reason I started a blog. I would love to write a book about my life sometime, the ups, the downs, the infertility all of it.

6. Not worry about finances. I don't want to be "rich" I don't want to have so much money that I blow it on silly insignificant things. I just want to be comfortable. I want to know that if I want to donate $100, I can. That if I have a miscarriage and haven't met my insurance deductible yet, that I can pay it off in one lump sum and not have it put a dent in my account. I just want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to worry about having enough money to cover our living expenses.

7. I want to be a spokesperson for infertiles. I want to travel and educate people especially insurance companies and state legislatures. I want to be a part of mandated infertility treatment coverage for everyone, in every state.

8. I want to be happy with my appearance. Thanks to my PCOS, I have gained a substantial amount of weight since meeting my husband. I managed to lose 35 pounds last year, and so far have managed to keep 30 of it off. However, I am still very critical of how I look. I am not sure who I am trying to impress, or what I am trying to prove. I just want to look in the mirror and think "Dang...I look hot today!" "you go girl"

9. Travel the world. There are so many things out there to see, to experience, to learn about. I want to take a year and just travel the world. Hopping from country to country and learn as much as I can about this beautiful planet I live on.

10. Buy my family farm. I have absolutely no intentions of ever living on my family farm, but I want to have enough money to purchase it when the day comes that my parents get to go be with Jesus. I don't want it to turn into a dilapidated farm, or to have it go to someone else that doesn't appreciate it. My grandfather built that house and it needs to stay in the family.

So...there is my bucket list. I am not going to tag anyone in particular, but this really is a neat thing to if you feel so my guest!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Infertile Mas.ochist

That's right I was warming up my lunch here at work...I was struck by something and just had to let you all in on it.

Infertility is turning me into a mas.ochist!

As I was in the kitchen warming up my lunch, I caught myself thinking " bb's are still pretty sore today" Then I thought..."Dang, I wish they were more sore"

Seriously...During the 2ww I spend a great portion of my day wishing for the following:

Implantation cramping
Sore nipples
Bleeding Gums
and the list goes on.

As I look at this list I think "SERIOUSLY???????" It is frightening how utterly miserable I want to feel in order to be over the moon happy.

It's sick - it really is. I can not believe that I have succumbed to this and that I am actually happy when I feel crappy during the 2ww.

It is just a little humorous and a little more disturbing isn't it...but...the best part of it is...
If you are fertility challenged and are reading this blog - you feel the same way!


So all those thoughts of how crazy I sound when you were first reading the blog...apply to you as well.


Hey...misery loves company right?!

But out of all really is a little disturbing!

Monday, November 17, 2008


I had a great weekend. It was exhausting and I have a cold now, but overall it was a great weekend. We spent the weekend with good friends. We went to a zoo on Saturday and then yesterday we all went shooting. It was fun - I like shooting guns. Especially when I can hit the one target that NONE of the guys could hit. Haha!!!

It was a little bittersweet because now my friends "T&J" are gone - J is going back to the war and I don't know when I will ever see them again. "T" is moving to Hawaii in Jan in order to get on the list for housing there so that when J gets back from the war he will have a home to come home to. I am going to miss them so much!!!

Having a cold has really drained me and I have been doing more sleeping lately than I should..but I don't mind. I LOVE to sleep!

Pace talked to his father and it looks like we may get a Thanksgiving dinner now. I guess plans have changed and we may be having Thanksgiving dinner on Wed. night instead. That would be awesome!

Today I am 4DPO - nothing too exciting going on. My bb's are a little sore today, but I am not reading into it. I am just going to keep on living like nothing is going on. I am not going to quit drinking coffee, I am not going to deny myself of anything during this 2ww. Call me selfish, call me ignorant, whatever, but after almost 4 years of being careful and getting nothing in return - I am going to be a rebel and see where that gets me.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Update for the day

Just tested...Houston we have ovulation. This is absolutely crazy. I have NEVER ovulated this early.
In June I ovualated on CD22
In July I ovulated on CD18
In August I was pg - so no ovulation
In September I was too depressed to monitor ovulation
In October I did not detect ovulation

November...I am ovulating on Day11!!! I am well on my way to a 27 day cycle. I HAVE NEVER HAD A 27 DAY CYCLE. (Well except when I was taking Provera to bring on AF) Holy crap! I am just over the moon. My body is doing something right!

So...that means I will be testing on Thanksgiving. Woopie. At least we will be traveling on Thanksgiving and not around family and such. I hope I have a lot more to be thankful for this year!!!

I like to procrastinate

I know I haven't written in a while. I hate it when I go this long without writing. There were so many things I wanted to write about, but I wanted to attach photos as well...and I just haven 't downloaded my camera darn it. So... I am updating. I am writing with no pictures to add, but at least I am writing.

Warning...this will be a long post LOL.

Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.

Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).

So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."

I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!

On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.

We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.

Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.

Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.

I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.

Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier. that is my sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!

Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


I am totally taken back and humbled by all of the support from blog readers...most of you are strangers to me in real life, but know me better than most of my in real life friends. Thank you for encouraging me to "be me" and to post honestly about where I am in the moment. You are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to "meet" and I thank you.

AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.

Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.

My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.

Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.

My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.

The thing on the left is the poem that I wrote 3 days after my miscarriage. My two positive pregnancy tests are in there, there is a calendar saying from my desk calendar for August 9th, 2008 - the day I found out I was pregnant. The pacifier is part of the "congratulations" package we received from OBGYN, the footprints at the bottom is part of the program from the "Walk to Remember" we participated in a few weeks ago. The cross I bought and painted and the roses are from the flowers we received from Jess and her husband when we found out we were pregnant. I love this box. Every time I see it, I smile. (and then usually cry) but I am sure that will pass....someday.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Freakin Halloween

BFN this morning...not really suprised. Disappointed though. I wanted to write, but I am just not in the right space right now. Things are tough and I am tired of writing angry, depressing posts. I am sure you all get tired of reading them as I am just waiting for AF and taking a break.

My mom always told me if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at that is what I am going to do. Not say anything at all.

Happy Halloween to you all!

Monday, October 27, 2008

So Alone

I just feel so alone right now.

I still have no idea what the heck is going on with my cycle this month. Thankfully by this time next week I will either have a BFP or AF so I can stop worrying and analyzing my body every 10 seconds. I am on prom.etrium right now, so that gives me all of the "symptoms" with no real "result" sucks.

My company laid off 2 people today...3 more to come tomorrow. I am just devastated. I work for a VERY small company...there are 15 people on payroll including myself and 2 owners, so cutting 5 employees is a HUGE deal. These people are my family. I have worked for this company for almost 8 years and these people are more than just co-workers. They went to my wedding, my college graduation, they sent flowers when I had my miscarriage, they know my family, they know some of my friends. These people are family to me and the thought of not seeing them when I go into the office in the morning makes me so sad. Some of them have are they going to find another job in this economy? The owners could have reduced costs elsewhere, but there first cut was employees. They didn't reduce advertising or vehicle costs...they didn't cut hours or put a freeze on spending and very first cut they made in our budget was 5 employees. I am so sad and feel like I am losing such a huge support system. I am thankful that I still have a job...but it won't be the same. Ever since the company went under new ownership last year, it hasn't been the same. I have worked so hard for the last 7 years to help build this company to watch the new owners tear it down in a year. It sucks.

Then Pace and I got into an argument today. Things have been rough at his work as well for the last couple of months and there has been some family stuff going on as well, so we have both been under a lot of pressure. Today, it just all fell apart and I sit here now in an empty house knowing that my husband, my best friend is mad at me, and doesn't even want to be here with me. Not that I can blame him...I have been pretty difficult lately. I know that some of it is stress and most of it is hormones, but that isn't an excuse...

I am tired of feeling like this...just one more week and then no more more pills. I just want to feel like me again.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Ok...can I catch a break?

I still haven't gotten a positive ovulation test. In they are all one line only. So I am thinking that either I didn't ovulate...or I missed the ovulation. Either way...this cycle sucks.

I started taking Prom.etrium last night just in case and will test in a week to see what we have...although I am pretty sure I already know.

After this cycle we are going to do at least two cycles without Clo.mid. I will still take OPK's and try to do this the old fashioned way. I am not very optimistic, but my body (and my mind) just need a break. Especially with the holidays coming up. Me+Holidays+Clo.mid= Blood Bath.

So we will take at least Nov. and Dec. off and then will probably go see a new RE at the beginning of the year. Hopefully we can find one that is a little closer to home (and cheaper) than the RE we used to see.

It's nice having a plan and I am really looking forward to the break. This last cycle of Clo.mid really freaked me out! LOL

My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and in that conversation she told me about the sonogram she had yesterday. She is 18 weeks along and is having another baby girl. She had 2 girls now one that is 4 and the other 2. Her 2 year old has down syndrome so they are monitoring the new baby very closely. The first symptom of the 2 year old having DS was that her kidneys were dilated in-utero. My sister found out that the new baby's kidneys are dilated as well. This does not mean she has DS, but it is a little concerning for my sister. She and her husband have chosen not to have an amnio or any further testing done (other than the norm). So, please pray for them. Either way they are going to love this little girl, I just ask that you pray for peace and patience as this is a very nerve wracking time for her right now.

My other sister is 22 weeks along and they have chosen not to find out what they are having.

Man Christmas is going to be awesome (insert sarcasm here)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The holidays are a comin...

I had an amazing weekend. It was emotionally draining, inspirational, exhausting and stressful, but it was a good weekend.

Friday night I went out to dinner with Pace and my good friend Trisha, we went to a fish house and I had the most amazing crab!

Then Saturday morning the three of us participated in a Remembrance walk for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It was amazing. I cried almost the entire time. We were able to write messages to our babies which were read for everyone to hear. We were able to share our stories, poems and songs and at the end there was a balloon toss. Here is a picture of Pace and I that my friend Trisha took. We are watching the balloons head up to the heavens:

I am definitely going to make this an annual thing for me. It was so wonderful being around people that are in similar situations or feel the same way that I do in real life. This Saturday the Catholic Church that I used to attend is holding a special mass for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Even though I no longer consider myself "Catholic" I think it will be nice to be in a church and have my loss acknowledged. It seems that my church totally revolves around babies, pregnancy and children and sometimes it is just too much to take.

Then Saturday evening Pace and I met up with my friend J and her husband G. They have 3 angels in heaven as well, and did a candle lighting ceremony with us last Wednesday. We have a farm out here in AZ that has fresh produce, a corn maize, petting zoo, and carnival rides right now for a fall festival. HORRIBLE IDEA TO GO!!!! I think 70 percent of the women there were pregnant and EVERYONE had kids. I didn't realize the entire event was geared towards kids...but it was. And we had to pay $12 to get in, so I wasn't just going to leave...I was going to get some enjoyment out of it. We had Pace's little sister with us (she's 3) so that was helpful...kind of. At least we looked like we belonged there because we had here with us.

The holidays suck. I usually love Halloween! It is one of my favorite holidays, not anymore. I told Pace the other night that I am not sure if I will be able to hang out and hand out candy. I just want to be around adults...with no kids. No cute little costumes, no 16 year old girls trick or treating with their babies...I just don't want to do it this year.

I am still waiting on ovulation. I don't know what is going on...I have gotten like 4 or 5 tests with faint second lines, but no "positives" Today is CD22 so I am not sure what to think. I will keep testing for another week. My body definitely does not seem to be as cooperative this cycle. GRrrrrr

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is a monumental day for me. It is my first year of participating in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I have a candle lit on my desk this morning for my little angel and plan on doing a candle lighting ceremony with my friend that has 3 angels in heaven tonight.

Today also marks 2 months since my baby went to heaven. I should be 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now. I should have ultrasound pictures and should be shopping for nursery furniture. Instead, I am snuggling my little stuffed bear at night that we named our little angel baby after.

This week has been totally up and down. I got an email from one of my pregnant sisters with ultrasound pics and a 20 week belly pic. I keep going back and forth. On one hand I think it is incredibly insensitive for her to include me on those emails, on the other hand, it feels nice that I am not being treated differently. Either hurts. I guess I am just hard to please.

My other sister that is pregnant doesn't talk about her pregnancy with me at all. She doesn't bring it up and when I ask how she is feeling, she simply responds with "good." and then changes the subject. I think I prefer that. I know that I am going to have to see both of them and their big pregnant bellies at Christmas, however at least in the meantime I can just stay in the "out of sight, out of mind" mindset.

For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while, you will recall that I was a volunteer crisis counselor at a crisis pregnancy center for 3 years and continued volunteering there up until my miscarriage. Well, since then one of my main clients had her baby. She called me on Sunday to let me know that she had a baby girl and that her baby shower was going to be this coming Saturday. She has no job, she is 17 years old, she did not graduate High School, she knew her boyfriend 2 months before she got pregnant and now...she has a beautiful baby girl. While she is celebrating the birth of her new baby on Saturday, I will be doing a remembrance walk for the loss of mine. The baby that I struggled to have for 3 and a half years.

Everything in life just seems so unfair.

I am currently on CD 16 still anxiously awaiting ovulation.

Here is the daily scripture that I receive via email, this is the one from today. I thought it was very fitting and I do store my treasures in heaven. My amazing child, a priceless treasure is in heaven where s/he doesn't have to feel pain, disappointment, regret, fear or sickness.

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
~ Matthew 6:20, NLT

Mommy loves you Baby Becker. More than I will ever be able to show you. You are my treasure and God is holding you now, keeping you safe and protected and when I get there, I will hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep and do all of the things that we missed out on here on earth. Watch over your family little Baby Becker and know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and will love you more and more every day.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Whew....I'm glad that's over!

Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!

I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.

I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.

However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.

Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.

October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!

I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Quickly losing my grasp

I started this blog over 2 years ago to help me deal with my IF. I needed an outlet to vent and just get all the crap out there and whoever decided to read it could...and if no one read it that was ok too.

At the time that I started this blog, Pace and I had been trying for 1 year and 9 months. I named this blog "My grasp at sanity" because I was just entering that stage of IF where IF consumes your entire life. It consumes your thoughts, your conversations, your money, your emotions...everything. I knew that the road was only going to get worse and at times I would feel crazy, so I thought the title was very fitting.

I had no idea how fitting it really was...until recently.

I haven't blogged lately because I have been in some sort of emotional hell. Right after my miscarriage I started having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that would literally make me scream out loud. Over the last couple of weeks they are more frequent...almost every night. The theme changes, it isn't the same dream, it is always different. It makes me scared to go to sleep at night. I don't WANT to have nightmares. I don't WANT to see what I see in my dreams.

My anxiety levels have just skyrocketed. I have panic attacks and always think of the WORST situations. For example: We went quading a couple weeks ago in the mountains, my husband went out riding with one of his buddies and I stayed at camp with the rest of our friends. However, I couldn't relax and just enjoy my mind was racing with horrible thoughts. I could see Pace rolling the quad and severing his leg, flying off the road and off of a cliff... you name it, if it is horrific and terrifying...I thought it. I ended up in a full blown, hyperventilating, shaking, pounding heart, anxiety attack. It is ludicrous for me to think these thoughts but I just can't help them. They consume my mind.

I have irrational fears. Pace was working nights this week and I couldn't even take a shower while he wasn't home. I tried, but all I did was frantically stare out the shower door looking for the boogey man. When I tried to wash my face, I flew into a panic attack when I had to close my eyes.

I feel like I have totally lost the old Nichole.

I am so different now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, am always looking for the other foot to drop.

I know that I should go to therapy and be medicated for my anxiety attacks, but I don't want to take more medicine. I already take enough and I don't want to take anything that might screw my body up and push my dream of being a mother even farther away. I just needed to vent to my cyber buddies out there. I just needed to let you know what is up with me right now.

I am quickly losing my grasp on sanity. The sanity that I feared losing over 2 years ago, it is now becoming somewhat of a reality. If I only knew 2 years ago what I know now.

My last Clo.mid pill is tonight and then I will start taking Prom.etrium a day or two after I ovulate. So hopefully I can get a week or so in between the two where my already unstable emotional state isn't being influenced by medication.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


AF finally came today. Praise God I can put this cycle behind me and move forward. four days I will start Clomid again and see what happens.

I am scared. I am anxious. I am excited. I am grouchy. I am terrified.

I don't know if my heart can handle much more. But at least I can move forward.

Oh...and I am gaining weight again. Last Oct. I started taking Met.Formin and lost 35 pounds. Since my miscarriage I have gained 8 back. WTF??? I haven't done anything different...but I am packing the pounds on again. I HATE THIS!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

What the Frick and Frack?

Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.

I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?

So here I sit on CD42.

Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?

So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.

Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????

My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?

I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).

So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Bible Study update

It wasn't HORRIBLE...but it wasn't GREAT.

I felt so detached. Let me explain...I am a baby Christian, I go to a non-denominational church and am new to this whole "relationship with God thing." I don't have scripture memorized, I don't hear God's voice, etc. The people that facilitate my bible study to ... I guess you could compare them to Pentecostal Christians. They are very avid in the super-natural. They speak in tongues, they are "slain in the Spirit." ect. MUCH different than the Catholic church I grew up in.

I used to enjoy these bible studies...they felt very powerful to me and I was very interested in this new type of worship. But this time I was so detached I just was NOT feeling it. If fact...for the first time, it seemed almost comical to me.

I cried the whole time non-stop. (like I knew I would) and I could not get out of there soon enough. I wasn't ready. I need to take it MUCH slower. Pace and I talked and we are going to return to our non-denominational church in the next couple of weeks and we are going to skip the "bible studies" we have been going to. We are just going to take it very slow for a while.

I am still waiting for AF to show. Today is Day 39 with no sign of AF in sight. I am going to email my dr. and see if she thinks I should just wait it out, or if I should start Provera to bring on AF.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Bible Study

I am attending my first bible study tonight since the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am terrified. I am already an emotional person, but lately I have been REALLY emotional and I just don't know if I am prepared for tonight.

I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless

I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.

I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible he is. Funny how things change.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

We Met...

My friend that I lost almost 2 years ago had drinks with me tonight. It was awesome! I miss her so much and we had a great talk. I got a sincere apology for what went down way back when, and I got the chance to apologize to her too.

I have not seen this friend since our blow up almost 3 years ago nor have we had any communication since (other than texting trying to set up a time to meet). It was like we were never NOT friends.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and feel a total sense of peace....

Monday, September 15, 2008

Not so much today

Not So MuchToday

A month ago I was lost
I was sad and broken
I was living a nightmare
No words could be spoken

To make me feel better
To feel more at peace
My heart was shattered
My happiness had ceased

I was angry and bitter
I hated my life
I felt that I was let down
I felt like a horrible wife

The devastation I felt
Was like none before
I had lost my child
I could take no more

More than three years I waited
To have a child in my womb
Now it was all over
And my body, now a tomb

But not so much today
I am not quite as sad
Not as full of hate
And my life isn’t so bad

The sadness remains
The devastation is still there
But it isn’t quite as strong
It is something I can bear

I still ache for my baby
That will never go away
But my hope is returning
More and more every day

Written by Me September 15th, 2008

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

One Month Ago Today...

One month ago today all my dreams were coming true.
One month ago today I believed in miracles.
One month ago today I got to make my husband the happiest man on the planet.
One month ago today I got to call my parents and share the good news.
One month ago today I thought it was all going to work out.
One month ago today I felt the happiest I had in over 3 years.
One month ago today I felt like a "normal" woman.
One month ago today I was dreaming of a nursery.
One month ago today I was looking at baby names.
One month ago today I was imagining my husband playing catch with our child.
One month ago today I couldn't believe this was actually happening.
One month ago today I had a taste of overwhelming joy
One month ago today, for the first time I saw the words "pregnant"