Sunday, November 30, 2008

I need an "OFF" button for my brain

Our Thanksgiving was great! It was so nice to get away and the scenery in Idaho was breathtaking! There wasn't very much snow, but that is ok, I am still hoping for a white Christmas in Kansas.

We went up to a natural hot spring which was AWESOME! The water was the perfect temperature and it was exhilarating to be outside in the elements when it is 40 degrees outside and strip down to my bathing suit and jump in. Brrrrrr!

Pace spent a lot of his time splitting wood with his dad. Their main source of heat in the house is a wood burning stove, so splitting wood is a very important chore! We befriended a little squirrel that lives in my FIL's backyard. Pace named him Merl - I love him - isn't that adorable!

We took walks back into the woods, ate organic food, plucked feathers out of the turkey and had a deer walk through the backyard literally 10 feet away from us. It was so relaxing and was just a wonderful trip.

However, I wasn't really feeling very well. I was extremely tired the entire trip and man were my bb's sore!!! I just kind of felt like I was in a funk. So of course, I immediately thought exactly what you all are probably thinking now. That I was pregnant. I really tried not to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be devastated (again) but I couldn't help it. The way I was feeling was so convincing. I started imagining in my mind how we would wait to announce our pregnancy until Christmas, and how awesome it would be to announce it then. I could wrap something up in a little gift to my parents and when they opened it in front of everyone...SURPRISE!!!! It would make seeing my two pregnant sisters at Christmas much more manageable and everything was just falling into place. I calculated my estimated due date and started rethinking names.

So I held off testing until Friday and...

WHITE! All white. I just don't understand. I was devastated and spent most of the day Friday speechless. I just wanted to lie in bed all day and not see or talk to anyone. It is just so unfair and to be honest, I am tired. I am almost ready to just give up trying to conceive and start pursuing adoption.

I just want a child. I want to see the magic of Christmas in our child's eye, I want to watch Pace putting together all the new toys on Christmas day and then having to console our child because daddy is playing with all the toys and s/he hasn't had a chance to. LOL

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am just so darn frustrated I could scream.

AF came yesterday, so if I have a repeat cycle this month and ovulate around day 11 again, that would put my test date VERY close to Christmas Eve. I am terrified because I know that as the time gets closer, I will talk myself into the fact that this will be our month, I will take the test on Christmas morning and we will get our little Christmas miracle. It will be the best Christmas ever and God has picked this special time of year to reveal our miracle...and then the test will be NEGATIVE and I will be devastated and miserable for Christmas.

I just wish I could turn off my brain. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this infertility crap.


Erin said...

Ugh! I was hoping for a build up there with those symptoms... I'm so sorry. I love your dream: announcing on Christmas. I love to dream like that, too, but these days the dreams are too painful. I'm with you about adoption. You wonder how much more of this we can take. I want this hell to be over for ALL of US!!

At any rate, I'm glad you were able to enjoy the holiday. Just wishing things could end differently. Someday friend, our day will come. I hope.


Nikki said...

Nichole, I am so sorry for your BFN. I know how that sucks. Hugs to you.

Glad you had a nice holiday! Natural hot spring sounds great!!

I Believe in Miracles said...

That's why I don't test. For me, it's more devastating to see that negative pee stick that to see AF come. It's hard to turn off my brain too - why me, what if... sucks!!
I'm sorry hun.

natenang654 said...

I am so sorry you're struggling right now.....the week or so after a BFN is the hardest, I think. Mine was last week. I was 1 day late, and had the same rush of thoughts and emotions....this would be the best Christmas ever.....I am sorry, someday, some how it will be your time!! Saying a prayer for you! (((HUGS)))

Dreamer4agift said...

I'm so sorry. ((hugs))