Tuesday, September 30, 2008


AF finally came today. Praise God I can put this cycle behind me and move forward. So...in four days I will start Clomid again and see what happens.

I am scared. I am anxious. I am excited. I am grouchy. I am terrified.

I don't know if my heart can handle much more. But at least I can move forward.

Oh...and I am gaining weight again. Last Oct. I started taking Met.Formin and lost 35 pounds. Since my miscarriage I have gained 8 back. WTF??? I haven't done anything different...but I am packing the pounds on again. I HATE THIS!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

What the Frick and Frack?

Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.

I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?

So here I sit on CD42.

Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?

So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.

Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????

My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?

I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).

So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Bible Study update

It wasn't HORRIBLE...but it wasn't GREAT.

I felt so detached. Let me explain...I am a baby Christian, I go to a non-denominational church and am new to this whole "relationship with God thing." I don't have scripture memorized, I don't hear God's voice, etc. The people that facilitate my bible study to ... I guess you could compare them to Pentecostal Christians. They are very avid in the super-natural. They speak in tongues, they are "slain in the Spirit." ect. MUCH different than the Catholic church I grew up in.

I used to enjoy these bible studies...they felt very powerful to me and I was very interested in this new type of worship. But this time I was so detached I just was NOT feeling it. If fact...for the first time, it seemed almost comical to me.

I cried the whole time non-stop. (like I knew I would) and I could not get out of there soon enough. I wasn't ready. I need to take it MUCH slower. Pace and I talked and we are going to return to our non-denominational church in the next couple of weeks and we are going to skip the "bible studies" we have been going to. We are just going to take it very slow for a while.

I am still waiting for AF to show. Today is Day 39 with no sign of AF in sight. I am going to email my dr. and see if she thinks I should just wait it out, or if I should start Provera to bring on AF.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Bible Study

I am attending my first bible study tonight since the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am terrified. I am already an emotional person, but lately I have been REALLY emotional and I just don't know if I am prepared for tonight.

I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless

I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.

I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible study...now he is. Funny how things change.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

We Met...

My friend that I lost almost 2 years ago had drinks with me tonight. It was awesome! I miss her so much and we had a great talk. I got a sincere apology for what went down way back when, and I got the chance to apologize to her too.

I have not seen this friend since our blow up almost 3 years ago nor have we had any communication since (other than texting trying to set up a time to meet). It was like we were never NOT friends.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and feel a total sense of peace....

Monday, September 15, 2008

Not so much today

Not So MuchToday

A month ago I was lost
I was sad and broken
I was living a nightmare
No words could be spoken

To make me feel better
To feel more at peace
My heart was shattered
My happiness had ceased

I was angry and bitter
I hated my life
I felt that I was let down
I felt like a horrible wife

The devastation I felt
Was like none before
I had lost my child
I could take no more

More than three years I waited
To have a child in my womb
Now it was all over
And my body, now a tomb

But not so much today
I am not quite as sad
Not as full of hate
And my life isn’t so bad

The sadness remains
The devastation is still there
But it isn’t quite as strong
It is something I can bear

I still ache for my baby
That will never go away
But my hope is returning
More and more every day

Written by Me September 15th, 2008

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

One Month Ago Today...

One month ago today all my dreams were coming true.
One month ago today I believed in miracles.
One month ago today I got to make my husband the happiest man on the planet.
One month ago today I got to call my parents and share the good news.
One month ago today I thought it was all going to work out.
One month ago today I felt the happiest I had in over 3 years.
One month ago today I felt like a "normal" woman.
One month ago today I was dreaming of a nursery.
One month ago today I was looking at baby names.
One month ago today I was imagining my husband playing catch with our child.
One month ago today I couldn't believe this was actually happening.
One month ago today I had a taste of overwhelming joy
One month ago today, for the first time I saw the words "pregnant"

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I'm Still Alive...

For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever feel alive again, but slowly, I am returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The bad days are getting fewer and farther between, however the pregnancy announcements seem to be coming at me quicker than I can handle them.

I have noticed through this infertility thing that pregnancies tend to go in waves...as in all of my friends were pregnant at the same time 2 years ago, and now...here I am again. Most of my friends are getting pregnant. In addition to two of my sisters. I am happy for each and every one of them and wish them nothing but the best, but it does sting a little bit.

It leaves me wondering WHY??? How many times I have said WHY in the last three and a half years? Too many to count. I am bitter and angry and confused and feel totally rejected.

This has been probably the most horrific past couple of weeks I have ever endured. Between the miscarriage, dealing with family, finding out who our real friends are, doctors appointments, awkward conversations, I am just drained. I am tired and I am just really sick of it all.

I quit volunteering at the Women's Center. I just couldn't bear the thought of surrounding myself with women and girls that were pregnant and didn't appreciate it. Surrounding myself with women who were considering abortions. Surrounding myself with women my age that have six children and no means to provide for them. I just couldn't do it.

There really is no point to this post. No real point anyway. Just a note to let everyone know that I am alive, I am here, I am living day by day. I am struggling, but the struggle gets a tad bit easier every day.

I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your prayers, your cards, the flowers, the text messages, the emails...I thank you so much.

Pace and I will be trying again...we are just waiting for my cycles to return and then we jump back on the roller coaster. I am so NOT looking forward to trying again. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally. It seems like every time my hope builds and things seem to be working out for me, I am smashed back down to reality and stripped of everything.