For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever feel alive again, but slowly, I am returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The bad days are getting fewer and farther between, however the pregnancy announcements seem to be coming at me quicker than I can handle them.
I have noticed through this infertility thing that pregnancies tend to go in waves...as in all of my friends were pregnant at the same time 2 years ago, and now...here I am again. Most of my friends are getting pregnant. In addition to two of my sisters. I am happy for each and every one of them and wish them nothing but the best, but it does sting a little bit.
It leaves me wondering WHY??? How many times I have said WHY in the last three and a half years? Too many to count. I am bitter and angry and confused and feel totally rejected.
This has been probably the most horrific past couple of weeks I have ever endured. Between the miscarriage, dealing with family, finding out who our real friends are, doctors appointments, awkward conversations, I am just drained. I am tired and I am just really sick of it all.
I quit volunteering at the Women's Center. I just couldn't bear the thought of surrounding myself with women and girls that were pregnant and didn't appreciate it. Surrounding myself with women who were considering abortions. Surrounding myself with women my age that have six children and no means to provide for them. I just couldn't do it.
There really is no point to this post. No real point anyway. Just a note to let everyone know that I am alive, I am here, I am living day by day. I am struggling, but the struggle gets a tad bit easier every day.
I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your prayers, your cards, the flowers, the text messages, the emails...I thank you so much.
Pace and I will be trying again...we are just waiting for my cycles to return and then we jump back on the roller coaster. I am so NOT looking forward to trying again. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally. It seems like every time my hope builds and things seem to be working out for me, I am smashed back down to reality and stripped of everything.