Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I'm Still Alive...

For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever feel alive again, but slowly, I am returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The bad days are getting fewer and farther between, however the pregnancy announcements seem to be coming at me quicker than I can handle them.

I have noticed through this infertility thing that pregnancies tend to go in in all of my friends were pregnant at the same time 2 years ago, and I am again. Most of my friends are getting pregnant. In addition to two of my sisters. I am happy for each and every one of them and wish them nothing but the best, but it does sting a little bit.

It leaves me wondering WHY??? How many times I have said WHY in the last three and a half years? Too many to count. I am bitter and angry and confused and feel totally rejected.

This has been probably the most horrific past couple of weeks I have ever endured. Between the miscarriage, dealing with family, finding out who our real friends are, doctors appointments, awkward conversations, I am just drained. I am tired and I am just really sick of it all.

I quit volunteering at the Women's Center. I just couldn't bear the thought of surrounding myself with women and girls that were pregnant and didn't appreciate it. Surrounding myself with women who were considering abortions. Surrounding myself with women my age that have six children and no means to provide for them. I just couldn't do it.

There really is no point to this post. No real point anyway. Just a note to let everyone know that I am alive, I am here, I am living day by day. I am struggling, but the struggle gets a tad bit easier every day.

I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your prayers, your cards, the flowers, the text messages, the emails...I thank you so much.

Pace and I will be trying again...we are just waiting for my cycles to return and then we jump back on the roller coaster. I am so NOT looking forward to trying again. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally. It seems like every time my hope builds and things seem to be working out for me, I am smashed back down to reality and stripped of everything.



My Infertility Diaries said...

You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I know what ya mean about not knowing how much more of this you can take. I am getting there too. I hope you continue to find strength and encouragement and heal more and more each day. HUGS!!!!

Hope2morrow said...

Hey Nicole, I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking about you, which I will continue to do. Hang in there. Hope will creep back in; it really will.

I'm also glad to hear you are looking out for yourself and quit the Women's Center. You definitely need some time to recover. Take care.

Dreamer4agift said...

Oh Nichole, my heart aches so much for you right now. Please know that every single thing you're feeling is O.K. Not that it's fun, but it's okay to feel what you do. I can't tell you when it fully goes back to "normal" (whatever that is), b/c I'm not even there yet. But you're right, it gets a little easier every day. You take your time working your way through the emotions...just, please, don't let it destroy you (as in, stay strong, even when you're feeling weak). You can do this.

The things you said, wow, were so much of what I have felt...finding out who your real friends are...yep. Thing is, sometimes we think our friends aren't being faithful to us b/c they're not giving the support we wished we had from them. It's not that they don't care, they just literally don't know what to say. Not trying to tell you what to do or how to feel, just putting that out there b/c that's what I have found...Pregnancy announcements? Yeah, there's a girl at work who's still married (but it process of getting divorce) and is preg. by her boyfriend (drama, I know). I found out about her a week after my m/c (it was within days of returning to work). I'm still having a hard time with it b/c she's about as far along as I would be. And I have issues with things just not being fair.

I can understand about the women's center. Totally get it.

As far as trying again...give yourself time to heal. Granted, everyone responds to a loss differently, but don't feel like you have to rush back into the grime of it all. Begin again when YOU are ready, physically AND emotionally. And when you do, I will be there, cheering and supporting.

((big hugs))

CG said...

I am glad you are big. Here's wishing that you get your AF soon so that you can start your cycle.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I hope things start feeling more positive soon. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle... although I will admit sometimes I wonder... but be encouraged that in these times of trial, God is close at hand, loving you the whole way.

Nikki said...

Nicole - I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I've been there a few times myself, so I know EXACTLY how it is to be in your shoes. Infertility does suck, but you know what - time passes. It does - and the pain dulls in a strange manner.

I hope your cycle regularizes soon, and you can begin trying. Hope is what keeps us going!

Good luck!

The Baker's said...

Hi Nicole,
I came across your blog, I am so sorry for your loss. I to am dealing with the loss, I lost twins about 6 wks ago, and feel complete the same way you do with what you posted in so many ways, with finding out who your true freinds are through the times of struggle, and the why's I ask God every day that question. I think that it is ok to be angry and bitter that is part of the greiving process, I am really struggle with those, especially when I see other that have babies or that are pregnant and shouldn't be. I am praying for you as you are going through this.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry that you lost your baby. Praying for you.

Earl Gearl said...

I was wondering how you were doing. I hope things go back to "normal" as soon as they can. Also, please try not to give up. The road is long and rough, but it will all be worth it in the end.