Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving friends

I haven't been around much lately ... I know. Honestly, I have kind of backed away from everything except for Farm.ville which I am horribly addicted to. Farm.ville is my safe zone. There are no pregnant ladies, no pregnant animals, etc. It is my safe zone.

I ventured out last night and started looking at some of my friends' pages on Found out two more of my friends are pregnant, I have actually lost count at this point of how many pregnant people I know right now. Either they are pregnant or just recently had their baby.

My heart is heavy with all of the pregnancy announcements. Every time I log onto Blogger to catch up with all of you beautiful people, I see at least one. Which I am so happy and glad for you. Your successes used to bring me hope, but after 5 years...that hope is gone. Not sure it will ever return.

I have had a lot of internal struggles over the last couple of weeks and with the holidays coming up, a lot of in-law drama, so I have retreated. I have tried to stay in my safe zone.

Okay, so this post is turning out a little bleak which is not what I wanted, so I am going to leave you all with some things that I am not bitter about, in fact some things that I am very thankful for:

1. A loving, accepting and generous family
2. A husband that I consider my best friend. No one knows me like he does
3. Friends that bring so much joy and love to my life
4. My job. It may not be the "ideal" job, but I know that it is very fragile right now and could be taken away from me at any moment.
5. My fur babies. They make me feel special when I feel like a loser, they make me feel loved when I feel unlovable and they make me feel cared for when I feel no one cares.
6. My blogger and online support group friends. You all know the deep dark nasty side of me. The bitter, angry and pessimistic side of me that I try so hard to hide in real life. But for some reason, you still read my blogs, you still encourage me and you are still my friends.

Thank you!


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thanksgiving Anticipation

Thank you all SO much for your support and love! The more I think about the baby shower, the more excited I get. I know that it is going to be tough at times, I know there will be some tears along the way, but all in all I want to do this for my friend. For one day I want to be the supportive friend instead of the broken infertile woman.

I am so excited that my friend Jess (some of you may follow her blog) is starting the adoption process! They have sent in their application for the agency and I plan on learning as much as I possibly can from her along the way. Given the "free home study" we have, we will be on that road again very soon.

I am gearing up for Thanksgiving, I am VERY excited that we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for some of our friends. I love cooking big meals and we love entertaining. I am just on pins and needles - VERY excited!

The countdown for me has begun...we are officially OFF the "on a break" train in less than 2 months. I am going to try and really enjoy the next couple of months and hope and pray that we are both ready to dive back in come January 1.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Family Building Symposium

Wow - what a weekend! It was awesome! I will start with Saturday...

I went to the Family Building Symposium which was amazing. There weren't too many people there which was nice because the groups were smaller as a result. I got a lot of amazing information on adoption as well as some other treatment options. It definitely ruled out some treatments for me and I felt more comfortable with adoption at the end.

The most amazing part was the door prizes - they had two boxes in the front that you could put your raffle tickets into (each person got 1) you could choose the "Treatment" box or the "Adoption" box. There were 4 prizes for the treatment box, but only 1 for the adoption. I thought long and hard about which box I should put my ticket into and for some reason I chose the adoption. The odds were much worse in the adoption box, but for some reason I felt led to place my ticket in that box. Well ladies...guess what??? I WON!!!! Want to know the prize: A free adoption home study! That is a value of up to $1,600 and is also the first step in adopting. I was SO excited! It made me sad that Pace wasn't there to enjoy the moment with me, but I was so excited.

The symposium was a bit overwhelming and honestly at the end of the day I was exhausted and completely over-stimulated. I needed a break. So I went home cracked open a beer and invited my friends J&K over and we played Rock Ba.nd until WAY past my bedtime. We had so much fun and K&I were laughing so hard at one point we were both crying. It was a blast!

I got a phone call yesterday from a friend of my pregnant friend and she asked me if I wanted to help with a baby shower for my friend. At first my gut clenched tight and I started sweating a bit. Then she asked me if we could do it at my house and...I actually relaxed a little bit. If it is in my house then I have a little more control over the situation and I could step out (or away) when needed without feeling uncomfortable or out of place. So I guess I am now planning and hosting my very first baby shower. It will be in January, so I have a lot of time to prepare and get myself used to the idea.

I actually think it will be ok. Sure, some of it will probably be hard, but I will make it through. I need to start living and just dealing with the pain. I need to power through and become an active member of society again. I need a life. I want a life and I think if I can prove to myself that I am able to host a baby shower and survive...I will feel much better about myself and the entire situation as a whole.

What do you ladies think? Am I crazy???

Friday, November 06, 2009

The weekend is here

The weekend is here, the Family Building Symposium is tomorrow and I am exhausted. P's little sister stayed with us all week (her parents were out of town) and at first it was awesome. I absolutely LOVE her and really Love her being at our house. This week however got me a little bit.

I found myself feeling more and more sad as the week went on - I was expecting the opposite.

I found myself needing a break from her and needing time away - I was expecting the opposite.

I found myself ready to take her home - I was definitely expecting the opposite.

It dawned on me yesterday why I was feeling this way. You see, as wonderful as it is to have her around and to just love on her it was just as painful for me every time she said " I want my mommy", "I miss my mommy", "My mommy washes my hair like this", "My mommy does this, and that."

It was a CONSTANT reminder of what I am not, what I may never be and what I so desperately want to be.

We went to On The Bo.rder last night for dinner and as the three of us sat at the table, the older couple next to us started talking to E. They were gushing over how beautiful she was and how much she looked just like her "mommy and daddy" yadda yadda. (We get this all the time when we are in public with her because she really does look like us and well damn it...we SHOULD have a child about her age). The couple asked E if she was an only child (to which E nodded yes LOL) that is when P spoke up and said "actually, she is my little sister, not my daughter" the look on the couple's face was pure astonishment and the tears flooded to my eyes. I wanted to crawl under the table. They didn't say another word to us (or E).

P is off on his dunes trip, so I am a bachelorette for the weekend. I am very disappointed that he is not going to the symposium with me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that we aren't on the same page right now, I hate what this stupid IF crap is doing to my life.

Why couldn't I just be one of those people that don't want kids?