The weekend is here, the Family Building Symposium is tomorrow and I am exhausted. P's little sister stayed with us all week (her parents were out of town) and at first it was awesome. I absolutely LOVE her and really Love her being at our house. This week however got me a little bit.
I found myself feeling more and more sad as the week went on - I was expecting the opposite.
I found myself needing a break from her and needing time away - I was expecting the opposite.
I found myself ready to take her home - I was definitely expecting the opposite.
It dawned on me yesterday why I was feeling this way. You see, as wonderful as it is to have her around and to just love on her it was just as painful for me every time she said " I want my mommy", "I miss my mommy", "My mommy washes my hair like this", "My mommy does this, and that."
It was a CONSTANT reminder of what I am not, what I may never be and what I so desperately want to be.
We went to On The Bo.rder last night for dinner and as the three of us sat at the table, the older couple next to us started talking to E. They were gushing over how beautiful she was and how much she looked just like her "mommy and daddy" yadda yadda. (We get this all the time when we are in public with her because she really does look like us and well damn it...we SHOULD have a child about her age). The couple asked E if she was an only child (to which E nodded yes LOL) that is when P spoke up and said "actually, she is my little sister, not my daughter" the look on the couple's face was pure astonishment and the tears flooded to my eyes. I wanted to crawl under the table. They didn't say another word to us (or E).
P is off on his dunes trip, so I am a bachelorette for the weekend. I am very disappointed that he is not going to the symposium with me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that we aren't on the same page right now, I hate what this stupid IF crap is doing to my life.
Why couldn't I just be one of those people that don't want kids?