Monday, April 30, 2007

My friend...the Hermit Crab

I haven't posted in a couple of days because, be honest I really don't know what to say. I have been through a range of emotions, feelings, thoughts and I just dont' know where to begin.

I had my CD3 ultrasound on Saturday and all looks good. They have me on 100IU of Follistim every day for right now. (That's lovely - I get to shoot up every day instead of every other day) Should make detoxing interesting. :-) I am relieved my Dr. is finally listening to me and being much more agressive this cycle. Not only do they have me shooting up every day, they don't have me coming in for an u/s until CD12 instead of CD10. So far, my follies have NEVER been of any substantial size on CD10 so this will save me $250 for an un-needed ultrasound.

I was totally blessed by a woman named Gloria this week. She is on my TTC (Trying to Conceive) board. She is donating her left over Follistim to me! I feel so humbled that a complete stranger would reach out and help Pace and I try to make our dream come true. I told Pace last night that if this cycle works and if it is a girl- we are naming her Ivy in honor of Gloria who made this cycle possible. Hopefully someday Pace and I will be in the position to "Pay it forward" for someone else in need!


Have you ever been at a point of contstant change? You know ... that point in your life where you know you are changing, but you don't really know how or what you are changing into? You just know you are changing. That is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am stuck somewhere between the person I used to be and this person I am going to someday be. It is kind of an unsettling place to be in life. In "limbo". You begin to question yourself, why you are doing what you are doing and why you didn't do it before. It is a very vulnerable point in life as well as you are kind of "raw". You are shedding your old self and becoming a new person.

It kind of reminds me of the hermit crabs Pace and I used to have. They would pick a shell and then one day out of the blue they would be in a new shell. They usually did this in the night where they felt the safest because the body of the hermit crab is very delicate and very sensitive. The smallest disruption of their body while they are inbetween shells can kill them. That is where I feel I am. I am in between shells, however, I am worse off than my friend the hermit crab because they pick out their new shell (while still in their old shell) and walk right up close to it prior to making the switch. I, on the other hand, ditched my old shell, and am walking around, with a fully exposed, vulnerable body searching for the shell that fits the best.

I guess we all go through these points in our lives. I have been looking at where I have come from and where I want to be in life. I guess if I was a little older some would call this a midlife crisis. (Although I have not sought out a Cabana Boy or gone under the knife for some new chi-chi's)

I'm not sure how long it will take me to find the perfect shell to fit me this season, but I hope that whatever shell I pick, it is a comfortable one.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Goodbye Sorrow...

Hello Aunt Flo!

Yep...that's right. After over 2 years of NOT showing up on her own...Aunt Flo made her appearance on her own...right on time this morning. I am still in shock a little. My first "normal" cycle in over 2 years! Praise God!

Ok...I am still a little miffed about the whole BFN (Big Fat Negative) thing, but...AF's arrival definately put a positive spin on things.

Pace and I talked last night and we have decided to go ahead with one more cycle before June. We are going to take a break in June cause we will be going on vacation and I do not want to worry about our cycle when I am on vacation. The only thing that is hanging us up right now is finances. Because I stimmed so S.L.O.W.L.Y. last cycle, I had to pay for many more ultrasounds and much more Foll.istim (can anyone tell me why they put periods in the middle of words like that? Is it a rule?) than we had originally budgeted for. So I am putting a shout out to all of my fellow infertiles that: I AM BEGGING! Will work for Foll.istim!

Please, if anyone has any left over that they don't need - would you be willing to donate it to me? I absolutely HATE asking people for anything, but I am desperate!

I have absolutely ZERO infertility coverage, so Pace and I are paying for everthing out of pocket. Although I realize IUI's are much more inexpensive than IVF, they definately aren't cheap! So if you are willing to help or can help please email me at Thank you in advance!

(Slowly getting off of knees and brushing sand off of my face from groveling) On a lighter note, I am feeling much better today. AF's arrival definately helped, but yesterday I was able to come to a peace about the whole cycle. I decided to "cowgirl up" and just deal with it and move on.

I am tired of crying, I am tired of being sad, I am tired of being upset, I am tired of just being. we are jumping into another cycle. I have my first dr. appt. on Saturday to check for any cysts and then away we go. This time, we are only telling close family and those of you out here in Blogger World with me. I am not telling anyone at work or any friends. It is just too hard to tell them that it didn't work.

Thank you all for your wonderfully supportive comments yesterday! You guys make getting over the BFN so much EASIER!!!


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Monday, April 23, 2007

40 hours to go, but who's counting?

I'm . starting . to . go . crazy.

I can't help it. The suspense is KILLING ME!!!

I so desperately wanted to test this morning. But Pace talked me out of it. He is right, I should wait until Wednesday when the doc said I should test but I just can't help it.

I reluctantly agreed to follow his (and the doctor's) advice. After all - both of them know better than me right now. I am just not thinking straight. I think I am a little off my rocker and getting farther and farther off as the POAS (pee on a stick) day gets closer.

My other sister called me this morning to see how I was doing. It is so wonderful to have the loving support of my sister's and my mom. Even though all of them are so fertile that if their husbands look at them they become pg - they are sensitive and very understanding of where I am right now which makes it so nice!

I just really hope I can call them all on Wednesday morning with good news! I am not sure how I will tell everyone if it is negative. I will probably just have to send an email or something cause I don't think I will be able to talk on the phone. Then I think about will I be able to work if it is negative? (All of you experienced POAS'ers know that using FMU (first morning urine) is the best for pg tests, so if I POAS in the morning, it would be before work.) Thankfully I work for fairly understanding people - plus I have worked here for 6 and a half years and practically run the place by myself - so I do have some extra pull if I need some time off!

I am not sure, but this will probably be my last blog until I POAS Wednesday. Tomorrow evening I will be volunteering at the Women's Center, so won't get home until late.

I hope I have some wonderful news to report to you all in less than 40 hours!

(but hey...who's counting) LOL

Saturday, April 21, 2007

10dpiui and the High Road

Today is 10 days past my IUI. Two of my sisters and my mom called me today to see how I was handling it. It is nice to know that they are just as excited/anxious as I am. I really don't know what to tell them other than I am chomping at the bit, nervous and excited. I am trying to get myself to a place where I am at peace either way. Whether it is positive or negative, just get myself to the point where I am ok with it.

I have been thinking lately what I would do if this cycle doesn't work. Would we take a couple of months off? Will we jump right into another cycle? Would we change my meds? Would we do IUI again? There are so many decisions to make and the unfortunate part is that you don't have a whole lot of time to decide. I don't know how I will feel if this cycle doesn't work. It is one of those things that you can't know until you are there. Which is very representative of the entire infertility process. That is why it has been so hard for a few of our friends to understand where we are at...they aren't here - they are not having to make these decisions, they are not having to emotionally deal with infertility.

You may remember from my 2dpIUI post,(I don't know how to post links - sorry) I spoke of my ex-friend "Dora" and our issue over infertility. Well...I finally have peace with where our friendship (or lack thereof) is. I finally took the opportunity to tell her how I feel about her and her husband's immaturity, their disrespect and their down-right rudeness. I think one of the most cowardly things a person can do is hide their true feelings under harsh words, name calling and cussing. Her husband is a master at that and proved that to us last night. Hearing the way he was speaking to Pace and I just solidified the fact that these people are not friends. They never have been. They are selfish, self-righteous, immature children who don't know the meaning of real friendship, respect, and adult conversation.

When adults have conflict, typically either it is discussed right away without (or at least with minimal) screaming, and cussing and DEFINITELY without name-calling. Or after a "cooling down" period, the issue is discussed following the previous manners already listed. I am not even sure I know the definition of some of the names "Dora's" husband called Pace and I last night. I am sure he was drunk - that is what they do. Get drunk, scream, yell, call names and start fights. "Dora's" husband finds some sort of power and satisfaction in threatening to beat people up. He has done this as long as we have known him, we have just never been on the receiving end. I guess we should have known that someday it would be us. To him I say this "Grow up."

I told "Dora" that I have nothing to say to her...EVER... I am done playing their games and I have no desire to invite their drama infested lives back into my life. I am at a different place in life than they are and I love where I am right now. I don't want to go back to the constant frustration, fights, drinking and drama. That stuff is for the birds. The most ironic thing to me is that they are the people who brought Pace and I to the Christian church.

I think God placed them in our lives to bring us to the church, they fulfilled that and now we have no need for them. We have surpassed where they are spiritually and now the only thing left for me to do is say goodbye. I will pray for them - that they may see their hurtful ways and stop before they hurt anyone else, and I will love them from a distance for playing a huge role in the woman I am today. They will never be able to take that back.

I am finally at peace with the friends they were and never will be again. It feels so good to have that situation and them behind me. I am sure one day we will run into each other again. After all, we do have some mutual friends and we only live about a mile away from each other. But when we do meet, I will be able to hold my head high and know that Pace and I took the High Road.

Friday, April 20, 2007


Nothing new to report today. Just same 'ole same 'ole.

I spent last evening at the women's crisis center I volunteer at. Once a month we have a gathering for our clients where we just hang out and pamper them. Last night was the first one of this season and it was a hit! We had great food and fun crafts. It was a little hard for me to be around all of the babies, and to listen to all the baby, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc. talk, but other than that it was great. It is nice to see how much the clients have grown emotionally, and spiritually since they first walked through our doors.

I have been a little blue the last couple of days. Not exactly sure why. I guess I feel a little secluded. All of the friends I used to have either I am not friends with anymore, or they have moved and I literally have no "girlfriends" that I hang out with on a regular basis. I get up in the morning, go to work, come home, and do it all over again the next day.

I remember my friendship with my best friend in High School. She knew me probably better than anyone and was just so intuitive. She would call me in the morning and say "Got a feeling something was wrong...what's up?" And 99% of the time, she was right. She made me feel like she truly cared about my feelings, my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and for my overall well-being. She and I lost touch after High School, and I miss having that kind of friendship. The type of friend you hear about or see on TV, but rarely experience (at least for me).

I have no plans for the weekend and that makes me very happy. Typically Pace and I's weekends are even busier than our week, so not having plans for the weekend is quite refreshing. Maybe I will finally catch up on all of the housework I have been neglecting. The weather is going to be beautiful, it is supposed to cool off this weekend and I am SO looking forward to that. I am not ready for another Arizona Summer!!!

It has been a turbulent, roller coaster week and I am ready for some relaxation & TLC!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My Christian Epiphany and 7dpIUI

Whew! Luckily for me (and all those around me) this last week has gone SO fast! There are only 7 more days to go!

I feel pretty good. I broke out with this rash on Friday. It started on my sides, thighs and just under my bra - it is slowly spreading and now covers my belly, my upper arms, chest and thighs. It itches really bad sometimes, but Pace made me promise not to scratch! I will probably go to the doctor, but I want to wait until I know if we are pg or not. I don't want to NOT get meds cause I MIGHT be pg. If I can stand it, I will just wait until next week and see what happens.

Other than that, I am feeling really well. No real "symptoms" to speak of, little things like sore breasts, bloating and cramps - which are consequently ALL symptoms of "Aunt Flo"also. Figures huh?!

I have been debating all morning if I should share what happened to me last night while I was volunteering at the Women's Center. I am struggling because it is very personal, a little radical, and religious. If it is one thing I have learned in life, those are three things you don't talk about...Personal issues, radical things and religion. I have decided to write about it. I have decided that if people don't want to read it, they certainly don't have to, but this is my online diary and this is a very significant time in my life and I want to document it. Also, it may be a story that will inspire others.

So here it goes, if you don't want to read on, please don't! And please don't try to flame via comments - I moderate all comments so it won't be posted and if you don't like what I have to say - stop reading my blog.

I met a woman last night (I will call her A) at the Christian Women's Center I am a volunteer counselor at. She came in to help our director build a contact database. As mentioned in my profile, I am a baby Christian. I am struggling in my walk ( the longer this infertility lasts...the more I struggle) with Jesus and I am having a hard time making God #1 in my life and placing my trust in Him. I have started reading the bible, we go to church almost regularly, and I pray - but I can't say that I have really made Him #1.

So A was in the director's office talking when the director asked me to come into her office. I went in and sat down the entire time feeling this weird "vibe" from A. After a few minutes of visiting with the director A looked at me and said "you have an amazing spirit" I thanked her and smiled - not really sure what she meant by that. Then she went on to say "I see that there is turmoil in your heart, there is something weighing heavy on your heart preventing you to hear God's word." After hearing this, I started to get a little uncomfortable. I thought "who is this woman claiming to know my heart when she just met me 5 minutes ago."

She went on to say "God is telling me that you have a hardened relationship with your mother about something, He said there is something that happened to you as a child that is still haunting you that you haven't been able to let go." That is when the tears started. I was confused, I had no idea how she knew these things, there is now way she could have known about my childhood and my strained relationship with my mother. I was so taken back by this woman. She was looking into my eyes and seeing things that I try my hardest to hide.

She continued to say that God is going to use me in miraculous ways - that He has large plans for me, but I have to cleanse my heart of the hurt and pain I am carrying around. Then she paused and had this very intent look on her face. She looked at me and said "You have been ill recently haven't you? God is telling me that you need not worry about your ailment, that He will heal you, but you have to understand that He is using this illness to make you stronger and give you this as a story you can tell of how He healed you and worked in your life. He is not punishing you, He loves you and is making you a stronger Christian." By this time I had lost it. I felt a little violated, I was overwhelmed, uncomfortable and a little freaked out.

But she didn't stop. She said "Wait - he wants me to tell you that you need to forgive yourself." I looked at her a little confused not sure exactly what she meant. She continued "He said you say horrible things to yourself and that you are constantly beating yourself up over everything. He said you need to stop doing that - He has forgiven you for your sins, why won't you forgive yourself? He said that He loves you and that you are perfect in His eyes and you need to hold your head high and love yourself as much as He loves you."

Now the only person I have told about my "self-talk" is my husband. No one else. It is something I have always struggled with. I would never allow anyone to talk to me the way I talk to myself, but it is so hard for me to control. I constantly struggle with this.

I have heard of women like A - women who claim to be able to "talk" to God and claim that God shows them things that will happen in the future, but I never thought they were "valid" I just thought they were bible thumping Christians that were radical in Jesus! Women that are trying to use Jesus as their ticked to fame. I wouldn't consider A radical. She is a woman in her late 50's, calm, down to earth and "normal" in every sense of the word. She is not an over-the-top person, she is just a quite woman who has this amazing relationship with the Lord. There is no way A knew about my childhood, my mother, my "self-talk" and especially my infertility. There is no logical explanation for how she knew those things. Except for the fact that she really was speaking to God. My thoughts are that He knew my heart was hardening and I was slipping away from Him. He used A to communicate to me since I wouldn't allow Him to speak directly to me.

He definitely got His message across loud and clear! There it first personal conversation with God through a woman that I didn't even know! I hope there are many more in the future - without the interpreter!

Call me crazy, call me radical, call me a bible thumper, call me what you will, but I am a believer, because there is no way I can deny what happened before my very own eyes last night!

Friday, April 13, 2007

2dpIUI (days past IUI)

I have managed to not over-analyze every pain, twitch, rumble or stretch so far! I am pretty dang proud of myself.

Yesterday I had minor "symptoms". I had some cramping and breast tenderness, but that is due to the HcG shot, today - nothing really. I am a little more tired than I should be, a little more weepy than most days and my breasts are still a little tender, but not as much as yesterday. I am sure all of that has to do with the HcG shot and nothing else. After all...even if the egg DID fertilize - I am sure it is still somewhere in my fallopian tube right now - not even close to implanting in order to cause real "symptoms." - Ok, ok, so maybe I HAVE over-analyzed a LITTLE!

I can't help it though, I want it SO bad! I can't stop thinking about it. Every waking moment (and even sleeping moments) have been consumed with having a baby. Worries, fears, excitement, anxiety, you name it, I have felt it! I continue to battle my bitterness. I really don't want to be bitter, but I just can't seem to help it.

I have been thinking a lot about one of my closest friends (that I lost due to this infertility battle) a lot lately. She said some awful things to me that really hurt. I thought I had forgiven her and let it go, but I haven't. I still carry some of that anger and resentment. I see pictures of her holding her "unplanned" son, and it makes me want to scream. She has NO idea what it feels like to be in my shoes, yet she had NO problem making me feel like sh*t.

What makes me even more angry is that Pace and I's friends (who we introduced to let's call her "Dora") don't care. They don't care how she treated us, or the awful things she and her boyfriend (at the time - now husband) said. Our friends are still friends with her and to be honest, that hurts. Maybe it is a little (or a lot) immature of me to think that my friends shouldn't be friends with her anymore, but I can't help it. If someone hurt one of my close friends and was downright hateful to my friend, I don't think I could continue being friends with that person. I just feel like it would have been nice for at least one of my "friends" to stick up for Pace and I and say "look Dora, what you said was mean, nasty and completely uncalled for. You are a selfish person and have really hurt Pace and Nichole. I don't want to be friends with someone that is as self centered as you." Is that too much to ask?

Now I have to deal with the awkwardness of seeing Dora and her (now husband) at our friends houses and I hate it! I don't want to see them, I don't want to see their son, I thought I could move past it and be friends with them again, but I can't. The things she said to me can not be taken back and really, she has never apologized for being a hateful person. I will never forget the things she said to me and I know that she doesn't care about my infertility, how I feel about being infertile or how much this has destroyed the person I used to be. How can I be friends with someone who does not care about my well being at all? I just can't.

I hope that someday, I will be able to forgive her and just chop it up to her own insecurity and immaturity, but right now, the wound is just too raw. Pace and I had already been TTC (trying to conceive) for 10 months when she got accidentally pg with her son. I was supportive, I cried when I first found out (privately - NEVER in front of her) but I helped with her baby shower, I always asked about her Dr. appts., I went to the hospital after she gave birth, I babysat for her...I was THERE for her. She knew about my infertility but I never went into detail or told her how devastated I was over it because I did not want her to feel bad or guilty cause she was pg. So imagine my surprise when the very first time I told her that I was having a hard time listening to all of the pregnancy talk, baby talk, breast feeding talk, birthing talk, etc., she BLEW UP IN MY FACE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!

No...that is NOT a friend, and I don't need or want friends like that. I would rather have NO friends than have friends like THAT!
I am sorry this has turned into a friendship rant, but she has really been on my mind a lot lately, and she has recently started emailing me and contacting me on myspace again. I have responded nicely, but now I don't want to respond at all!


I am looking forward to a halfway relaxing weekend. Some friends from out of town will be visiting tomorrow and I am excited to see them. I have not seen them for almost 9 years! It will be so much fun. Other than church on Sunday, and a meeting at the Women's Center I volunteer at on Saturday - we have nothing planned, and that is A-ok with me! I think it is due time for some RELAXATION!!!

Come on little egg - please fertilize, travel down the fallopian tube and implant in my nice, comfy, warm uterus. Please stay with me for 9 months and enjoy the ride!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Exam Room 4

Well...the insemination is over! It was very nerve racking. Pace and I decided to wait at the RE's office between his "drop off" and my appointment. We watched the movie Radio - a great move if you have never seen it! I was doing pretty good until the nurse came out and called my name. That is when my heart started racing and my knees got all wobbly.

It has taken us over 2 years to get to this point and in a matter of minutes I knew it was all going to be over. We have done everything we can do for this cycle, now it is in God's hands. It was strangely comforting to know that I could relieve myself of all this stress because no matter what I do from this point on, it is all Him. (Actually it was all Him from the beginning, but it is hard to keep that into perspective when my husband is having to give me shots every night and I am going to the doctor every other day)

We walk into exam room 4 - a room I have come to know quite well. I get changed and sit on the table. A few minutes later, a female nurse practitioner comes through the door with a small vial containing Pace's washed sperm. The final count post wash: 67 million sperm! Amazing! She said that pre-wash his numbers were actually 127 million. How in the hell can he produce 127 million sperm in 3 days and it takes me 2 highly medicated, very expensive weeks to come up with one follicle! It just isn't fair.

Of course the high numbers went to Pace's head a little, but you know what...he deserves to be cocky about it and I am not going to ruin that for him!

The nurse explained the procedure to me and then asked me to "assume the position" Ah...this is where the phrase stirrup queen comes in to play. I have had my feet in the stirrups in exam room 4 more times than I care to remember.

I would first like to say that an IUI is NOT like a pap smear. At least not for me. Holy crap! The pain was not pleasant at all. I kept holding my breath and tensing up - the NP kept telling me to "breath and relax". Easy for her to say - she doesn't have a plastic tube all up in her business stabbing the top of her uterus.

She did say that I have a "beautiful cervix" so I guess I will forgive her for stabbing my uterus. Seriously, I didn't think I would ever hear anyone compliment my cervix, I think I have heard it all! But it did make me feel a little better. Hey, my ovaries may not work well, but I have a beautiful cervix!

As soon as the NP left the room after the procedure - the tears came. It was 10% because of the pain and 90% the overwhelming emotions. We have finally done it. We are finally at a point where we have a chance to conceive our first child. I just felt so overwhelmed and the whole experience was so surreal. After lying on the table for 10 minutes, I was up, dressed, and out of the door.

I am still crampy, I am in my pj's lying on the couch with Pace's laptop trying to lay low and just rest.

Welcome to the 2WW. My very first "official" 2WW!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Comfortable Discomfort

In 28 hours the insemination will be over. We will be officially in the 2WW. What has taken us 25 months to get to will be over in 28 hours!

The trigger shot went well, although I didn't sleep a wink last night. Pace and I went to bed at 8:45 but I think I only slept a couple of hours before it was time to wake up at 1:30 am for the trigger shot. I was lying in bed wide awake when the alarm went off. The shot went just fine. No pain, no bleeding - nothing. I think I finally got back to sleep around 3 or so this morning. So needless to say...I am exhausted!

I plan to POAS when I get home tonight just because I can. Just because for once in my life I would like to see a positive pg test. I know it isn't "actually" positive, but it will show a positive from the HcG shot. I just want to see what a positive pg test from MY urine will look like. (Like everyone else's I am sure, but it will be so much different for me.)

I have warned you all along I was a kook, but now you are really starting to see it aren't ya?! And the 2WW hasn't even begun yet. Wait until you hear my ramblings of over analyzed "symptoms" that turn out to be gas pains. You all are in for a real treat!

Other than being tired, my lower abdomen is "full" there really is no other way to describe it. It doesn't hurt, but it is just uncomfortable. It is the enlarged ovaries and surging hormones I am sure, but I am a-ok with that. This is the type of discomfort I have been looking for (and paying a lot of money for) for a long time, so ... I will enjoy it, the discomfort of ovulation! Here we come! I can't believe I am really going to ovulate! It is such a monumental thing for me! WooHoo!

I will post a pic of my positive pg test since it may be the only positive I get.

Monday, April 09, 2007

My new addiction disorder


It is still growing. At our ultrasound on Saturday, our lonely little follie had grown 4mm. So, they had me do one last Follistim shot on Saturday. I will do the trigger shot tonight and the IUI will be Wednesday! FINALLY!

It seems like it has taken forever to get to this point. I guess it kind of has....2 years 1 month and 2 weeks.... It truly is unbelievable how many things have changed since we first started TTC (Trying To Conceive)

My range of emotions lately are astronomical. They range anywhere from elated, frightened, angry, anxious, sad, and ecstatic. The sky really is the limit. I am so tired emotionally, physically and spiritually... just tired. I have tried so hard to not get my hopes up for this first IUI to work, but I have failed. My expectations are very high and only seem to get higher by the day.

I feel like we have overcome so much this cycle. I am actually producing a follicle! I haven't done that in God only knows how long.

I find it amazing how much fertile women take for granted something their body does every month without fail. I am completely awestruck with the fact that I have a little egg in my body waiting to be fertilized and become my son/daughter. It is not even fertilized yet, but I already feel this strange attachment to it. I know...I AM insane! I already feel like this is the beginning of my child. My child with My husband! Just the thought of that makes me want to throw up from nervousness. I am beyond bewildered and terrified right now. I have no idea how I am going to make it through the dreaded 2WW (2 Week Wait).

Knowing me, I will be POAS (peeing on a stick) every day until I eventually run out of tests or I finally get that BFP. "Hi My name is Nichole and I am a POASaholic" All respond " Hi Nichole."

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Shots and Probing

"Be patient Nichole, I told you this was going to be a slow process." Dr. R tells me as he sees me in the hall with tears streaming down my face.

"I know, it is just frustrating." was my reply

"You are in very good hands Nichole, this will happen for you, just trust me." Smile...wave...and he was off.

I so wish I could do that. I so wish I could trust in this process.

I have many small follicles (6-9mm) and one follie that actually grew to 12.5mm. That is the biggest one I have had yet. I am convinced that this will be the little egg that could that will grow into our future child. (Ok, not convinced, but it sounds nice doesn't it?) Pace told me that I need to start thinking more positively and not have so many negative thoughts in my head. So there was a decent attempt at optimism.

The new protocol is to take 75IU of Follistim today, tomorrow, and Friday then go back in for another u/s on Saturday. I am really beginning to love the shots. In a sort of masochistic, self-mutilating sort of way.

As a woman, I have always dreaded my "annual" pap smear. That time once a year when you lay yourself out (no pun intended) to a stranger in the most vulnerable, helpless situation possible. Feet in stirrups, covered by a paper gown...getting your hoo ha probed. However, there was one thing I could always bet on, my weekends were clear. There would be no vulnerable probing on the weekends, these days I could live in total confidence that Saturdays and Sundays were off limits to the hoo ha probers, UNTIL NOW! Now I have had my hoo ha probed on a Sunday AND will have it probed again this coming Saturday. The universe is slowly closing in on me.

I never thought I would ever feel comfortable getting my hoo ha probed, but now it is practically a daily expectation. I don't get butterflies or have to go to the bathroom before hand anymore, it is just so...normal...Wake up...brush my breakfast...go to work...get hoo ha probed...make dinner...put on pj's...go to bed.
A day in the life of Nichole Clinger (ok...not the making dinner part, Pace usually makes dinner)

So...not a cancelled cycle, not a great cycle so far, but I am hoping that taking more Follistim, and taking it daily instead of every other day will prove to be the right combination. Please just pray for this little follicle I have that is trying to mature and grow a nice big healthy egg! Pray that this little follicle will house the strongest, healthiest egg that will grow into the strongest, healthiest child!

Monday, April 02, 2007

"It's ok if you are slow, as long as you get there."

Easy for you to say when you are the ones getting paid $250 each ultrasound. Not so easy for me when I am the one writing the checks.
I spoke to my RE today. He said he is not worried about my progress at all. He wants me to continue on and wait until my appt. on Wednesday before getting worried. He said is was ok for me to be progressing slowly. Which, I understand, I don't like it, but I understand. He said just to hang in there and see where we are at on Wednesday.

I feel kind of numb. I just feel like I am repeating the last cycle all over again. I wonder if I will ever even make it to the actual insemination. I seem to be getting stuck at the whole egg production stage, which IS cause for concern! It is not normal to not be responding to these drugs, I just hate my body so much!!!

I find myself looking at different options nowadays. I am trying to figure out if I would ever be "OK" with not having biological children. How would we afford IVF if we were told that was our only option? If need be, would I be "OK" with using an egg donor? Would we look at adoption, or be childless? If we chose adoption, would it be domestic or international. How long would it take us to save up the money to pay for something like that?

How can a person possibly process all of this? How can my body be so dysfunctional that it can not perform a basic function that it was made for?

I dread Easter Sunday which used to be my favorite holiday. I dread seeing little kids dressed up in their Easter dresses and suits with little Easter bonnets and bow-ties. Little kids hunting for Easter eggs, filling up on candy and fighting over the last pink marshmallow Peep. I dread most holidays now actually. Most of them are geared towards kids anyway...Easter egg hunts, firework shows, making paper turkeys out of traced hands, trick-or-treating, Santa Claus. I guess the only adult holiday I can really think of is New Year's and we don't even celebrate that holiday cause there are too many drunk drivers on the road and I don't want to be out amongst them.

But, I will put on my happy face, celebrate with family, indulge their children since I have none of my own and spend the next couple of days recovering emotionally from another childless holiday.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

April Fool

That is what I feel I am. An April Fool. A fool for having any hope that my body will cooperate. A fool for thinking that all of these drugs and shots would do anything. A fool for paying an RE all this money for nothing. A fool for thinking I may have a shot at having a January baby. A fool for even hoping at all.

At my ultrasound today they only found 4 measly follicles. 2 on each ovary ranging from 6mm to 9mm. Keep in mind that a week ago, I had many follicles at 2 mm and they need to be 20mm before they will let me trigger. The drugs aren't doing Sh*#. Ok, so they are doing something, but I had more follicles that were larger last cycle with just the Femera alone. (And that cycle ended up being cancelled because on CD14, I only had one follicle @ 11mm) Adding injectibles has actually reduced the amount and size of my follicles. I am so damn frustrated I could put my fist through a wall. The lady that did the ultrasound told me to do another 75IU of the Follistim today (which we already did) and take the remainder of the Follistim on Tuesday. I go back in for another follicle check on Wednesday. Another $250 ultrasound, more time off work, more bruises on my thigh, and no hope that this will ever get me a baby.

Pace has been the wonderful strong rock he always is when I am falling apart. We decided to call my actual doctor (the lady that did the ultrasound is an assistant) and get his perspective. I don't know why they are pussy-footing around with the drugs. Just up the damn dose and lets get the ball rolling. I realize that they don't want me to hyperstimulate, but I am paying for this out of pocket for crying out loud! Can we not be SO cautious?

So I have more injections, more days of waiting and more of a broken heart. I am more bitter, more spiteful and I hate that. I sit in church and ask God: "why me?" I know I am not perfect, I have not always lived right and I have made many mistakes, but why is he denying me this gift of being a mother? Why does He think I am not fit? I will probably never have the answer to this question, and that just makes me more bitter.

Pace and I had a wonderful evening last night. We had a wonderful dinner and I surprised him with tickets to Stomp! He was so surprised and we had a wonderful time. If they are ever in an area near you - I would definately suggest going! They are very talented, funny and entertaining. We had a great time! And to our waitress at Ruths Chris - you rock! You were the best and thank you for not making us feel stupid because we had no idea what kind of wine we wanted (Hey...we are beer drinkers, not wine drinkers)!