"Be patient Nichole, I told you this was going to be a slow process." Dr. R tells me as he sees me in the hall with tears streaming down my face.
"I know, it is just frustrating." was my reply
"You are in very good hands Nichole, this will happen for you, just trust me." Smile...wave...and he was off.
I so wish I could do that. I so wish I could trust in this process.
I have many small follicles (6-9mm) and one follie that actually grew to 12.5mm. That is the biggest one I have had yet. I am convinced that this will be the little egg that could that will grow into our future child. (Ok, not convinced, but it sounds nice doesn't it?) Pace told me that I need to start thinking more positively and not have so many negative thoughts in my head. So there was a decent attempt at optimism.
The new protocol is to take 75IU of Follistim today, tomorrow, and Friday then go back in for another u/s on Saturday. I am really beginning to love the shots. In a sort of masochistic, self-mutilating sort of way.
As a woman, I have always dreaded my "annual" pap smear. That time once a year when you lay yourself out (no pun intended) to a stranger in the most vulnerable, helpless situation possible. Feet in stirrups, covered by a paper gown...getting your hoo ha probed. However, there was one thing I could always bet on, my weekends were clear. There would be no vulnerable probing on the weekends, these days I could live in total confidence that Saturdays and Sundays were off limits to the hoo ha probers, UNTIL NOW! Now I have had my hoo ha probed on a Sunday AND will have it probed again this coming Saturday. The universe is slowly closing in on me.
I never thought I would ever feel comfortable getting my hoo ha probed, but now it is practically a daily expectation. I don't get butterflies or have to go to the bathroom before hand anymore, it is just so...normal...Wake up...brush my teeth...shower...eat breakfast...go to work...get hoo ha probed...make dinner...put on pj's...go to bed.
A day in the life of Nichole Clinger (ok...not the making dinner part, Pace usually makes dinner)
So...not a cancelled cycle, not a great cycle so far, but I am hoping that taking more Follistim, and taking it daily instead of every other day will prove to be the right combination. Please just pray for this little follicle I have that is trying to mature and grow a nice big healthy egg! Pray that this little follicle will house the strongest, healthiest egg that will grow into the strongest, healthiest child!