Monday, April 02, 2007

"It's ok if you are slow, as long as you get there."

Easy for you to say when you are the ones getting paid $250 each ultrasound. Not so easy for me when I am the one writing the checks.
I spoke to my RE today. He said he is not worried about my progress at all. He wants me to continue on and wait until my appt. on Wednesday before getting worried. He said is was ok for me to be progressing slowly. Which, I understand, I don't like it, but I understand. He said just to hang in there and see where we are at on Wednesday.

I feel kind of numb. I just feel like I am repeating the last cycle all over again. I wonder if I will ever even make it to the actual insemination. I seem to be getting stuck at the whole egg production stage, which IS cause for concern! It is not normal to not be responding to these drugs, I just hate my body so much!!!

I find myself looking at different options nowadays. I am trying to figure out if I would ever be "OK" with not having biological children. How would we afford IVF if we were told that was our only option? If need be, would I be "OK" with using an egg donor? Would we look at adoption, or be childless? If we chose adoption, would it be domestic or international. How long would it take us to save up the money to pay for something like that?

How can a person possibly process all of this? How can my body be so dysfunctional that it can not perform a basic function that it was made for?

I dread Easter Sunday which used to be my favorite holiday. I dread seeing little kids dressed up in their Easter dresses and suits with little Easter bonnets and bow-ties. Little kids hunting for Easter eggs, filling up on candy and fighting over the last pink marshmallow Peep. I dread most holidays now actually. Most of them are geared towards kids anyway...Easter egg hunts, firework shows, making paper turkeys out of traced hands, trick-or-treating, Santa Claus. I guess the only adult holiday I can really think of is New Year's and we don't even celebrate that holiday cause there are too many drunk drivers on the road and I don't want to be out amongst them.

But, I will put on my happy face, celebrate with family, indulge their children since I have none of my own and spend the next couple of days recovering emotionally from another childless holiday.


Anonymous said...

Nichole I feel so much for you! I don't have any words to make you feel better, nor do I really know what to say. I'm sorry you are going through what you are and I wish I knew a way to make you feel better! I guess just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and don't hesitate to email or call me if you need a shoulder to cry or vent on.


Melissa said...

Oh Nichole, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Since it's hard to hopeful for yourself (since it just makes the dissapointment even more painful) I'll hope for you. You can hope for me. :)

I hope that your Wednesday appointment will show greater progress with your ovaries. I hope that your Easter Sunday will be a time of peace and not of turmoil. I hope that you have some overall peace, too.