I have managed to not over-analyze every pain, twitch, rumble or stretch so far! I am pretty dang proud of myself.
Yesterday I had minor "symptoms". I had some cramping and breast tenderness, but that is due to the HcG shot, today - nothing really. I am a little more tired than I should be, a little more weepy than most days and my breasts are still a little tender, but not as much as yesterday. I am sure all of that has to do with the HcG shot and nothing else. After all...even if the egg DID fertilize - I am sure it is still somewhere in my fallopian tube right now - not even close to implanting in order to cause real "symptoms." - Ok, ok, so maybe I HAVE over-analyzed a LITTLE!
I can't help it though, I want it SO bad! I can't stop thinking about it. Every waking moment (and even sleeping moments) have been consumed with having a baby. Worries, fears, excitement, anxiety, you name it, I have felt it! I continue to battle my bitterness. I really don't want to be bitter, but I just can't seem to help it.
I have been thinking a lot about one of my closest friends (that I lost due to this infertility battle) a lot lately. She said some awful things to me that really hurt. I thought I had forgiven her and let it go, but I haven't. I still carry some of that anger and resentment. I see pictures of her holding her "unplanned" son, and it makes me want to scream. She has NO idea what it feels like to be in my shoes, yet she had NO problem making me feel like sh*t.
What makes me even more angry is that Pace and I's friends (who we introduced to let's call her "Dora") don't care. They don't care how she treated us, or the awful things she and her boyfriend (at the time - now husband) said. Our friends are still friends with her and to be honest, that hurts. Maybe it is a little (or a lot) immature of me to think that my friends shouldn't be friends with her anymore, but I can't help it. If someone hurt one of my close friends and was downright hateful to my friend, I don't think I could continue being friends with that person. I just feel like it would have been nice for at least one of my "friends" to stick up for Pace and I and say "look Dora, what you said was mean, nasty and completely uncalled for. You are a selfish person and have really hurt Pace and Nichole. I don't want to be friends with someone that is as self centered as you." Is that too much to ask?
Now I have to deal with the awkwardness of seeing Dora and her (now husband) at our friends houses and I hate it! I don't want to see them, I don't want to see their son, I thought I could move past it and be friends with them again, but I can't. The things she said to me can not be taken back and really, she has never apologized for being a hateful person. I will never forget the things she said to me and I know that she doesn't care about my infertility, how I feel about being infertile or how much this has destroyed the person I used to be. How can I be friends with someone who does not care about my well being at all? I just can't.
I hope that someday, I will be able to forgive her and just chop it up to her own insecurity and immaturity, but right now, the wound is just too raw. Pace and I had already been TTC (trying to conceive) for 10 months when she got accidentally pg with her son. I was supportive, I cried when I first found out (privately - NEVER in front of her) but I helped with her baby shower, I always asked about her Dr. appts., I went to the hospital after she gave birth, I babysat for her...I was THERE for her. She knew about my infertility but I never went into detail or told her how devastated I was over it because I did not want her to feel bad or guilty cause she was pg. So imagine my surprise when the very first time I told her that I was having a hard time listening to all of the pregnancy talk, baby talk, breast feeding talk, birthing talk, etc., she BLEW UP IN MY FACE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!
No...that is NOT a friend, and I don't need or want friends like that. I would rather have NO friends than have friends like THAT!
I am sorry this has turned into a friendship rant, but she has really been on my mind a lot lately, and she has recently started emailing me and contacting me on myspace again. I have responded nicely, but now I don't want to respond at all!
On a HAPPIER NOTE:
I am looking forward to a halfway relaxing weekend. Some friends from out of town will be visiting tomorrow and I am excited to see them. I have not seen them for almost 9 years! It will be so much fun. Other than church on Sunday, and a meeting at the Women's Center I volunteer at on Saturday - we have nothing planned, and that is A-ok with me! I think it is due time for some RELAXATION!!!
Come on little egg - please fertilize, travel down the fallopian tube and implant in my nice, comfy, warm uterus. Please stay with me for 9 months and enjoy the ride!