Whew! Luckily for me (and all those around me) this last week has gone SO fast! There are only 7 more days to go!
I feel pretty good. I broke out with this rash on Friday. It started on my sides, thighs and just under my bra - it is slowly spreading and now covers my belly, my upper arms, chest and thighs. It itches really bad sometimes, but Pace made me promise not to scratch! I will probably go to the doctor, but I want to wait until I know if we are pg or not. I don't want to NOT get meds cause I MIGHT be pg. If I can stand it, I will just wait until next week and see what happens.
Other than that, I am feeling really well. No real "symptoms" to speak of, little things like sore breasts, bloating and cramps - which are consequently ALL symptoms of "Aunt Flo"also. Figures huh?!
I have been debating all morning if I should share what happened to me last night while I was volunteering at the Women's Center. I am struggling because it is very personal, a little radical, and religious. If it is one thing I have learned in life, those are three things you don't talk about...Personal issues, radical things and religion. I have decided to write about it. I have decided that if people don't want to read it, they certainly don't have to, but this is my online diary and this is a very significant time in my life and I want to document it. Also, it may be a story that will inspire others.
So here it goes, if you don't want to read on, please don't! And please don't try to flame via comments - I moderate all comments so it won't be posted and if you don't like what I have to say - stop reading my blog.
I met a woman last night (I will call her A) at the Christian Women's Center I am a volunteer counselor at. She came in to help our director build a contact database. As mentioned in my profile, I am a baby Christian. I am struggling in my walk ( the longer this infertility lasts...the more I struggle) with Jesus and I am having a hard time making God #1 in my life and placing my trust in Him. I have started reading the bible, we go to church almost regularly, and I pray - but I can't say that I have really made Him #1.
So A was in the director's office talking when the director asked me to come into her office. I went in and sat down the entire time feeling this weird "vibe" from A. After a few minutes of visiting with the director A looked at me and said "you have an amazing spirit" I thanked her and smiled - not really sure what she meant by that. Then she went on to say "I see that there is turmoil in your heart, there is something weighing heavy on your heart preventing you to hear God's word." After hearing this, I started to get a little uncomfortable. I thought "who is this woman claiming to know my heart when she just met me 5 minutes ago."
She went on to say "God is telling me that you have a hardened relationship with your mother about something, He said there is something that happened to you as a child that is still haunting you that you haven't been able to let go." That is when the tears started. I was confused, I had no idea how she knew these things, there is now way she could have known about my childhood and my strained relationship with my mother. I was so taken back by this woman. She was looking into my eyes and seeing things that I try my hardest to hide.
She continued to say that God is going to use me in miraculous ways - that He has large plans for me, but I have to cleanse my heart of the hurt and pain I am carrying around. Then she paused and had this very intent look on her face. She looked at me and said "You have been ill recently haven't you? God is telling me that you need not worry about your ailment, that He will heal you, but you have to understand that He is using this illness to make you stronger and give you this as a story you can tell of how He healed you and worked in your life. He is not punishing you, He loves you and is making you a stronger Christian." By this time I had lost it. I felt a little violated, I was overwhelmed, uncomfortable and a little freaked out.
But she didn't stop. She said "Wait - he wants me to tell you that you need to forgive yourself." I looked at her a little confused not sure exactly what she meant. She continued "He said you say horrible things to yourself and that you are constantly beating yourself up over everything. He said you need to stop doing that - He has forgiven you for your sins, why won't you forgive yourself? He said that He loves you and that you are perfect in His eyes and you need to hold your head high and love yourself as much as He loves you."
Now the only person I have told about my "self-talk" is my husband. No one else. It is something I have always struggled with. I would never allow anyone to talk to me the way I talk to myself, but it is so hard for me to control. I constantly struggle with this.
I have heard of women like A - women who claim to be able to "talk" to God and claim that God shows them things that will happen in the future, but I never thought they were "valid" I just thought they were bible thumping Christians that were radical in Jesus! Women that are trying to use Jesus as their ticked to fame. I wouldn't consider A radical. She is a woman in her late 50's, calm, down to earth and "normal" in every sense of the word. She is not an over-the-top person, she is just a quite woman who has this amazing relationship with the Lord. There is no way A knew about my childhood, my mother, my "self-talk" and especially my infertility. There is no logical explanation for how she knew those things. Except for the fact that she really was speaking to God. My thoughts are that He knew my heart was hardening and I was slipping away from Him. He used A to communicate to me since I wouldn't allow Him to speak directly to me.
He definitely got His message across loud and clear! There it is...my first personal conversation with God through a woman that I didn't even know! I hope there are many more in the future - without the interpreter!
Call me crazy, call me radical, call me a bible thumper, call me what you will, but I am a believer, because there is no way I can deny what happened before my very own eyes last night!