Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Life Is Crazy!

So life is just absolutely crazy right now. Work is probably the most peaceful place for me to be and that says a lot cause work is STRESSFUL!!! Our foreign exchange student is back and just as I is NOT working. ALREADY! Pace is pissed off all the time, I am not sure I remember the last time he and I just sat back and had fun together. It seems it is all business lately. Home buying, exchange students, work, finances, family yada yada yada.
It is absolutely DRAINING! I mean how much serious stuff can you take before you just crack?

Pace and I are going on vacation this weekend. I can't wait. I am so sick of the heat here. We broke the record number of days over 110 today. What a freakin record! Yep...29 days so far this year with temperatures over 110. GRrrrrr. I just want it to be cool outside, and this weekend, I will at least be able to get a taste of that. We are going to Salt Lake City to see Pace's family. Family that we have not seen in almost 3 years. It will be a good trip. I love staying in hotels...sadly that is the part I am looking forward to the most.

We have been looking at homes. The market here has been nuts for the last couple of years, so right now we are just kind of taking our time, looking at different houses trying to get a feel for what we are looking for, where we want to live and how much we want to spend. I am excited yet a little scared about buying a house. Not only for the financial obligation, but for what it means to our future. I mean we have been saying for the last couple of months that once we buy a house, we will get back to the Dr. and start TTC treatments again. Just the thought of it makes me shutter.
I think about infertility every day, but it doesn't control everything I do. There was a time when we were in the middle of IUI cycles when every single thought I had revolved around TTC. It took me so long to get out of that mentality and frankly, I am scared to start TTC (with treatment) again because I don't want to lose myself to it again. I don't want to become the monster I was. Granted...I still have monster days when seeing a pregnant women, a cute little family walking into a restaurant, or a dad playing catch with his son makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I just can't help it.

We are back in church and dealing all the time with our faith and infertility, and I am learning more and more about myself all the time.

I have been deeply saddened the last couple of weeks as one of my blogger and myspace friends Lara as well as one of my in real life friends are both healing from very sudden and recent miscarriages. Please keep these women in your prayers and ask for peace, and healing for them.

I will post some pics of our vacation when I get back! Have a great Labor Day weekend and I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately...LIFE IS CRAZY!!!

Sunday, August 19, 2007


I came down with a nasty head cold this week. I am finally feeling a little better today, but I am just really irritable. About what you ask? Everything.

There is something to say about conversation. The way it affects people. And by conversation, I don't mean the new fangled ways of communicating via text, IM, blogs, and chat rooms. I mean true conversation with tone and quality of voice, with pauses and laughs. True conversation. I really miss having a girl friend that I could have conversation with. In college my roommate and I would converse about EVERYTHING! We weren't really good friends, but we were great at conversation. When I moved to AZ, I had a friend "B" that I could have conversation with. She was the type of person that I could pick up a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, go over to her house and stay up until dawn conversing. We have since grown apart, and I have never been able to fill that void.

I feel as if that lack of conversation is just draining me. Or maybe it is filling me, there are so many things I need to get out, but I don't, so I am just filling up with all of the things I want to say, but don't.

There are just some things you can't talk to your husband about. I am tired of talking to him about our infertility because I just don't feel like we are on the same page. When I talk to him about it, I feel like a burden and like I am being completely overly sensitive to the subject. He doesn't make me feel this way, I do. Pace can let thing just roll right off of his back, nothing gets him down, he is almost always in a good mood, and although our infertility is hard for him, it doesn't throw him into the pit of depression that it does me. So I hate to go on and on and on about it.

I guess I just miss having someone I can talk to that will let me cry on their shoulder and not try to tell me how to "fix" things, just sit there and say "Damn Nichole, that really sucks" So many fertile people out there know how to cure my infertility. It kills me sometimes, to the point, I just hate talking about it. I hate talking to my sisters about it especially, and my co-worker "D". IMPOSSIBLE! I love "D", she is probably my best female friend right now, but I just can't talk to her about infertility. She has absolutely no sensitivity to the subject and I am so tired of her stupid comments which she means to be helpful.

On a lighter note, Pace and I have started the hunt for our house. Right now, the market is so crazy here, we are just taking it slow and hoping that house prices will continue to drop. We will get pre-qualified probably in September or October and then start making some offers! I am so excited to have a home to call our own. It is a little stressful, but we are ready!

**Dreamer4Agift - THANK YOU! Thank you for your kind comments and for checking up on me! Keep the prayers comin! I can use them**

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Well, I kind of feel like I am back in the saddle again. At least partly. I made an appointment with a hormone specialist. I am not sure if any of you have heard of Pel.le, but that is where I am going to go. Since my issues are hormonal, I have decided to do what I can do to get them regulated. Who knows...maybe then I would actually be able to conceive! (or at least lose weight) Pel.le uses bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. They are all natural and are the identical to the actual hormones the body produces (or in my case doesn't produce). I am excited to at least have something to look forward to. I don't feel like I am just wasting time anymore which is a good feeling.

My greatest fear happened this week (well, kind of) I am the youngest of six. All of my brothers and sisters have already had all the children they plan on having. All of them have two children, except for my oldest brother who has three. My sister K, the one that is just older than me has two kids currently, but I always had a sneaky suspicion that she was going to have more.

She had her first daughter before I was even married, so that wasn't a big deal. She got pregnant with her second 3 months after my wedding (Pace and I had been trying for 3 months) I handled it ok - after all, I pretty much knew it was going to take us longer than 3 months to get pg, so it was no big deal. But now this baby has been born, is over a year old and my sister told me on Monday that they are going to try again next year. (Of course she then followed up by saying, well that is when we PLAN on it, but since the first 2 were UNPLANNED, we will just see what happens) *Insert gagging noise here*

I love my sister dearly. She and I have been through so much together and I wish for nothing but the best for her. However, I am absolutely certain that I will be DEVASTATED if she gets pregnant AGAIN while Pace and I are still trying for #1. This is the same sister that offered her eggs to me should we need them - an innocent and very sweet offer, but also kind of a slap in the face. My anxiety surrounding this conversation is growing every day. It makes me feel like I need to do something NOW! I need to start trying again NOW and do everything I can to get pregnant before her. That way I won't have to feel the hurt and jealousy when she makes her pregnancy announcement.

However...I can't do anything. We have decided to wait until next year. I have to wait at LEAST seven more months. I am starting to have dreams of her pregnancy announcement and the initial hate and anger I will feel. I don't WANT to feel this way for my sister, I want to be happy. I WANT to want to throw her a shower I want to be there for her.

Honestly...I am sure she is a little hesitant to get pregnant before me. I am sure she knows how hard it would be for me.

Pace has been working out of state quite a bit lately. I have taken this opportunity to gorge myself on Pizza Rolls every night for dinner. Very healthy - I know. I am all for the "time apart makes the time together more special" theory, however... I MISS MY HUSBAND! I have absolutely no idea how you military wives handle it - you are SO STRONG and my hat is off to you! My sister, R's husband is the special teams coach for a professional football team, and she is a widow 10 months out of the year - I have no idea how she does it, she must have some wonderful friends or something. I just hate being alone. It makes me think too much. My husband makes me laugh, and makes me feel good, and safe. I miss that. Although I am appreciating the undivided attention from my pooches! Haha