Thursday, August 09, 2007

Well, I kind of feel like I am back in the saddle again. At least partly. I made an appointment with a hormone specialist. I am not sure if any of you have heard of Pel.le, but that is where I am going to go. Since my issues are hormonal, I have decided to do what I can do to get them regulated. Who knows...maybe then I would actually be able to conceive! (or at least lose weight) Pel.le uses bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. They are all natural and are the identical to the actual hormones the body produces (or in my case doesn't produce). I am excited to at least have something to look forward to. I don't feel like I am just wasting time anymore which is a good feeling.

My greatest fear happened this week (well, kind of) I am the youngest of six. All of my brothers and sisters have already had all the children they plan on having. All of them have two children, except for my oldest brother who has three. My sister K, the one that is just older than me has two kids currently, but I always had a sneaky suspicion that she was going to have more.

She had her first daughter before I was even married, so that wasn't a big deal. She got pregnant with her second 3 months after my wedding (Pace and I had been trying for 3 months) I handled it ok - after all, I pretty much knew it was going to take us longer than 3 months to get pg, so it was no big deal. But now this baby has been born, is over a year old and my sister told me on Monday that they are going to try again next year. (Of course she then followed up by saying, well that is when we PLAN on it, but since the first 2 were UNPLANNED, we will just see what happens) *Insert gagging noise here*

I love my sister dearly. She and I have been through so much together and I wish for nothing but the best for her. However, I am absolutely certain that I will be DEVASTATED if she gets pregnant AGAIN while Pace and I are still trying for #1. This is the same sister that offered her eggs to me should we need them - an innocent and very sweet offer, but also kind of a slap in the face. My anxiety surrounding this conversation is growing every day. It makes me feel like I need to do something NOW! I need to start trying again NOW and do everything I can to get pregnant before her. That way I won't have to feel the hurt and jealousy when she makes her pregnancy announcement.

However...I can't do anything. We have decided to wait until next year. I have to wait at LEAST seven more months. I am starting to have dreams of her pregnancy announcement and the initial hate and anger I will feel. I don't WANT to feel this way for my sister, I want to be happy. I WANT to want to throw her a shower I want to be there for her.

Honestly...I am sure she is a little hesitant to get pregnant before me. I am sure she knows how hard it would be for me.

Pace has been working out of state quite a bit lately. I have taken this opportunity to gorge myself on Pizza Rolls every night for dinner. Very healthy - I know. I am all for the "time apart makes the time together more special" theory, however... I MISS MY HUSBAND! I have absolutely no idea how you military wives handle it - you are SO STRONG and my hat is off to you! My sister, R's husband is the special teams coach for a professional football team, and she is a widow 10 months out of the year - I have no idea how she does it, she must have some wonderful friends or something. I just hate being alone. It makes me think too much. My husband makes me laugh, and makes me feel good, and safe. I miss that. Although I am appreciating the undivided attention from my pooches! Haha


Reproductive Jeans said...

It's so hard to wait...while we see family/friends getting the results NOW!
It sounds like you have a good plan for the hormone issues--thats great! Keep us posted....

Fertilize Me said...

Oh the thing about your husband hit HOME - my husband has switched to 12 hour shifts at NIGHT ..yes 7 pm - 7 am .. i work 7 am - 3:30pm with a 45 min commute each way - BAD TIMES at my house, we never ever see eachother and it's REALLy starting to affect me - I didn't want to blog about it because I am kind of scared/paranoid that someone would figure out that I have to stay by myself at night ;) Yeah im psycho - as for your sister - Gosh, I am sorry ;)

chicklet said...

Ugh, having to wait AND knowing she'll probably get knocked up again before you - fuck, I hate that stuff. One friend who started trying after us (and now has a 3 month old) I'm sure will try again soon, and Im dreading it like you. Hang in there. Sorry you're on your own and having to deal with this too:-(

Dreamer4agift said...

I can empathize with the whole sister issue. My sister, who is 5 yrs younger than me and has successfully popped out 2 kids already without difficulty (both being a one time bd and boom, there it was), has shared with me a few mths ago that after the first of the year they are going to try for a 3rd. She's since made a few comments about how she's wanting to go off her b/c since it's causing her tons of weight gain, but she's not ready to get preggo yet (but she's considering it just to lose weight)...blah blah, must me nice. So, I too feel the pressure of getting preggo before her so I don't have to deal with her announcement--I've been happy for her twice (first time was before dh and I were ttc), but I don't think I can smile and bear it a 3rd time. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do. Talk to dh about it and see what he thinks. I know you miss him, I feel that way since I don't see mine very often either b/c of conflicting's hard, but it'll be okay.

Jen said...

I hate waiting... And seeing my friends and family get to the "finish line" years before we do.
I really hated the fact my stepsister met her husband, got married and had a baby in a two-year period. I think this was in year four or five of my husband and I dating.
It's horrible, I take a little solace in divorce. See, waiting can be good.
Although, if my 16-year-old sister gets pregnant before us, I will scream.

Mony said... just know you will be expecting that announcement from your sister now. Hopefully, having time for the idea to sink in will make it a tiny bit easier to hear IF she dos get pregnant before you. I hope you are PG together!

Dreamer4agift said...

How are you feeling? Haven't heard anything in a few days so just checkin' up on ya, waiting for a new post. You're in my prayers.