Sunday, August 19, 2007


I came down with a nasty head cold this week. I am finally feeling a little better today, but I am just really irritable. About what you ask? Everything.

There is something to say about conversation. The way it affects people. And by conversation, I don't mean the new fangled ways of communicating via text, IM, blogs, and chat rooms. I mean true conversation with tone and quality of voice, with pauses and laughs. True conversation. I really miss having a girl friend that I could have conversation with. In college my roommate and I would converse about EVERYTHING! We weren't really good friends, but we were great at conversation. When I moved to AZ, I had a friend "B" that I could have conversation with. She was the type of person that I could pick up a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, go over to her house and stay up until dawn conversing. We have since grown apart, and I have never been able to fill that void.

I feel as if that lack of conversation is just draining me. Or maybe it is filling me, there are so many things I need to get out, but I don't, so I am just filling up with all of the things I want to say, but don't.

There are just some things you can't talk to your husband about. I am tired of talking to him about our infertility because I just don't feel like we are on the same page. When I talk to him about it, I feel like a burden and like I am being completely overly sensitive to the subject. He doesn't make me feel this way, I do. Pace can let thing just roll right off of his back, nothing gets him down, he is almost always in a good mood, and although our infertility is hard for him, it doesn't throw him into the pit of depression that it does me. So I hate to go on and on and on about it.

I guess I just miss having someone I can talk to that will let me cry on their shoulder and not try to tell me how to "fix" things, just sit there and say "Damn Nichole, that really sucks" So many fertile people out there know how to cure my infertility. It kills me sometimes, to the point, I just hate talking about it. I hate talking to my sisters about it especially, and my co-worker "D". IMPOSSIBLE! I love "D", she is probably my best female friend right now, but I just can't talk to her about infertility. She has absolutely no sensitivity to the subject and I am so tired of her stupid comments which she means to be helpful.

On a lighter note, Pace and I have started the hunt for our house. Right now, the market is so crazy here, we are just taking it slow and hoping that house prices will continue to drop. We will get pre-qualified probably in September or October and then start making some offers! I am so excited to have a home to call our own. It is a little stressful, but we are ready!

**Dreamer4Agift - THANK YOU! Thank you for your kind comments and for checking up on me! Keep the prayers comin! I can use them**


AwkwardMoments said...

OH FANTASTIC ..i hope house hunting and all that goes along with it is a very smooth and easy transition for you - I wish we lived a few stats closer - I would love some convesation time with you

JJ said...

Mook and I go through that for sure...dont feel alone about that. Its frustrating when you and your other half arent communicating on the same wave length--we had a bit of that this weekend too...I wish we could get together and chat!
Best of luck with the house hunt!

RBandRC said...

Good luck with your move. I understand about not really having anyone to talk to, especially about IF. We just moved to our state last year and everyone around me has absolutely no trouble getting pregnant, so I'm basically alone in it too.

Are there any resolve support groups around you? I've often thought about going to the support group meetings, but have not been brave enough. It is an option though.

Best wishes with everything! :)

Emily Weber said...

Nichole, you know that I know what you're going through and if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here for you. Just give me a call. You're one of the nicest people I've been privilaged to know in my life so far. I am so sorry that you are going through this. If there is ever anything I can do, I will.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with house hunting!

And yeah, it absolutely sucks having people offer assvice about pregnancy. Or, in our case, people questioning why we are even doing IVF in the first place.

People mean well but sometimes shutting up is the best assvice ever.

Thinking of you!

Emily Weber said...

Hey, thanks for your comment. I am ready when you are!:)