Monday, March 28, 2011

In a much different place

True to the IF roller coaster ride, I am in a much different place writing today than I was when I wrote my last post. I am so grateful for that because it can be a very dark place. I had an amazing weekend with my friends, family and husband and feel pretty good today. I had my appt. on Saturday and I had 3 follicles this time. One at 18.5, one at 18 and one at 11, so we did one more shot of Foll.istim on Saturday and triggered yesterday. I am trying to keep my mind off of all things baby which you know is extremely hard when you are entering the 2ww, but I think it is very important for my own sanity. With that being said, I may not be blogging during the 2ww, but know that I still log on and read your blogs!

Friday, March 18, 2011

It's been a while...just need to vent

I haven't blogged for a while and for reasons I have previously's cause I have nothing new to say. After over 6 years of blogging about my infertility...everything has pretty much been covered. Over and over and over again.

However, I need to vent. I don't really have anywhere else to here it is. My first post in way to long and it is a vent.

I have been a part of an online chat board with some of the most wonderful women I know for 5 years now. Seriously, these women are awesome. Where does the vent come in you ask??? I feel like I am being left in the dust. All but one other woman on that board has at least 1 child. Most of them are on their way (or have already had) number 2 or even 3 and although I am ecstatic for makes me sad and leaves me feeling hopeless. I post about where I am in my journey and can't help but think that this is old news for these women. I wanted so badly to post on the board how I am feeling, but I don't want any of them to feel bad or guilty because they have been successful. That is the last thing I want. I just want to know when it is going to be my turn?

Years ago I became a part of this huge infertility community via chat boards, blogging and local support groups and time after time after time I have rejoiced in women's success. I look back now and just wonder...will that success ever be mine?

How long do you go down this road, how many avenues do you take before you say enough is enough? Do you just wake up one morning and feel at peace with living childless?

I had come to a point over a year ago that I was ready to give up treatment. I had processed the fact that at a minimum our first child would not be a biological child. Maybe we wouldn't have biological children at least I was at a place where I could consider that. Then...I got pregnant...and then miscarried...again...and then I changed. DH and I both changed. I was no longer ready to move past treatment - neither of us were. So here we are...over a year later still trying. Giving myself shots twice a day popping more pills than I care to admit, and sticking things in unmentionable places HOPING, DREAMING for a child.

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of who I have become, I am tired of shots, I am tired of progesterone, I am tired of Dr's poking around where only my husband should be, I am tired of tracking days, popping pills, wearing pads and not having the beautiful child in our home we so desperately desire.

I'm exhausted.

I'm confused.

I don't know where to go from here.

In all fairness those of you who still read this blog (although with such a huge gap in posting, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't) I should offer an update.

January - Did Follistim/Femara cycle - cancelled due to no follicles
February - Did Follistim/Femara cycle (changed up the days a bit to see how I would respond) 1 follicle - BFN
I am now on day 4 of my cycle doing Follistim/Femara cycle again - upped the dosage significantly and hoping (kind of) for the best.

Thank you for those of you still reading. Thank you for just letting me vent.