Friday, March 18, 2011

It's been a while...just need to vent

I haven't blogged for a while and for reasons I have previously mentioned...it's cause I have nothing new to say. After over 6 years of blogging about my infertility...everything has pretty much been covered. Over and over and over again.

However, I need to vent. I don't really have anywhere else to vent...so here it is. My first post in way to long and it is a vent.

I have been a part of an online chat board with some of the most wonderful women I know for 5 years now. Seriously, these women are awesome. Where does the vent come in you ask??? I feel like I am being left in the dust. All but one other woman on that board has at least 1 child. Most of them are on their way (or have already had) number 2 or even 3 and although I am ecstatic for them...it makes me sad and leaves me feeling hopeless. I post about where I am in my journey and can't help but think that this is old news for these women. I wanted so badly to post on the board how I am feeling, but I don't want any of them to feel bad or guilty because they have been successful. That is the last thing I want. I just want to know when it is going to be my turn?

Years ago I became a part of this huge infertility community via chat boards, blogging and local support groups and time after time after time I have rejoiced in women's success. I look back now and just wonder...will that success ever be mine?

How long do you go down this road, how many avenues do you take before you say enough is enough? Do you just wake up one morning and feel at peace with living childless?

I had come to a point over a year ago that I was ready to give up treatment. I had processed the fact that at a minimum our first child would not be a biological child. Maybe we wouldn't have biological children at all...at least I was at a place where I could consider that. Then...I got pregnant...and then miscarried...again...and then I changed. DH and I both changed. I was no longer ready to move past treatment - neither of us were. So here we are...over a year later still trying. Giving myself shots twice a day popping more pills than I care to admit, and sticking things in unmentionable places HOPING, DREAMING for a child.

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of who I have become, I am tired of shots, I am tired of progesterone, I am tired of Dr's poking around where only my husband should be, I am tired of tracking days, popping pills, wearing pads and not having the beautiful child in our home we so desperately desire.

I'm exhausted.

I'm confused.

I don't know where to go from here.

In all fairness those of you who still read this blog (although with such a huge gap in posting, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't) I should offer an update.

January - Did Follistim/Femara cycle - cancelled due to no follicles
February - Did Follistim/Femara cycle (changed up the days a bit to see how I would respond) 1 follicle - BFN
I am now on day 4 of my cycle doing Follistim/Femara cycle again - upped the dosage significantly and hoping (kind of) for the best.

Thank you for those of you still reading. Thank you for just letting me vent.

5 comments:

Angelwingsbaby said...

Aww hun I hate that you are feeling this way. I so wish that you would get your dream of baby too.You can always vent to me, I will always be here for you.I know it may be hard for you since we are in different places like you said you were with those other ladies but, just know that I really, really wish there was a way to take you by the hand and pull you foward with me.To pull you out of IF h@ll.I hurts me to know you are hurting and waiting and there is nothing I can do to help you :-( Sending hugs to you... -Megan p.s.I have missed you on here.

Cori said...

Vent away!!! That's what we are here for!!! To listen and for supporting you! I know it hurts! I have only been at it for half of the time you have. I just wish we knew what the outcome would eventually be. Then We could "maybe" appreciate the journey. Try to keep your head up:)

Jeremy and Emily said...

Still reading. I check it at least once a week to see if you've posted. I hope and pray for you to have success soon. Love ya tons!

... said...

You can vent !!! this is not an easy road...thinking of you!!!!

stink-bomb said...

"Do you just wake up one morning and feel at peace with living childless?"

hmmm no. i know that's probably not what you wanted to hear but i'm being honest. i don't think i will EVER wake up and be at peace at not only never having my own biological child but never having ANY type of child to call me mum.

that's the reality of it. we can't seem to have our own children and there are no other options open to us to become parents due to varying circumstances.

it's not easy and everyday i think i'm "fine" and have "moved past it" but i haven't and i don't think i ever will.

the Guv and i were talking about our life before and how we have wasted the past 10 years and we have and i know i'm in a shitty job without any prospects but i have NO motivation to do anything else because all i want to do is stay home and be a mum but hey that ain't gonna happen.

my only advice is that you vent, don't try and bottle it up - i did and it does you no good.

i know what it's like to see everyone else get the dream that you want, so i know how much it hurts.

sending you big hugs sweetie.

~x~