Thursday, July 31, 2008

Pressing In

I had an amazing weekend (I know I am kind of late to post about the weekend, but better late than never) Pace and I drove up North to Mayer, AZ. It is a tiny little town right off the highway, very quaint and peaceful.

We stayed in this little lodge with a King bed and a heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the living room right next to the fireplace. It had a screened in porch in the back that overlooked trees and a creek. It was so peaceful there and so romantic! We took the quads up there and rode out in the desert. It was beautiful. As soon as we got the quads unloaded, it started sprinkling and sprinkled for about an hour or two. It was amazing! It was so peaceful, the weather was beautiful and it was wonderful being there with my hubby.

This week has been so busy...Pace has been working 17 hour days (which means he is working at night) so it has been really hectic around my house. I hate being home alone especially at night. My dog is super protective of me when I am at the house alone, so every time a car drives by or he hears something he starts barking and freaks me out! I try to keep myself busy and stay awake as long as possible so that I can easily just fall asleep.

We are hosting an event at our house tomorrow evening. It is called "House of the Refining Fire." Pastor Irene from Uganda Africa is going to be in our house facilitating a praise and worship session and rockin the house! I am very excited.

The Christian people in Africa have a much stronger faith than the majority of Americans. They come to Pastor Irene BELIEVING that they are going to be healed, BELIEVING that they will encounter the Lord, BELIEVING that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior. They sing out loud, they dance, they cry, they totally devote their entire minds and bodies to praising the Lord. They are not embarrassed, they are not ashamed, they are not concerned about what they look like when they are praising the Lord, their only concern is that they are pressing in, they are actively searching for the Lord and EXPECTING His presence.

American Christians (most of us anyway) are too prideful. We are too concerned that the person next to us will think we are "radical", "crazy", "possessed", or "brain washed". We are not afraid to scream and yell and be crazy at a sporting event, but when it comes to our Lord...we are suddenly shy. We have no problem proudly plastering our homes, cars, and offices with our favorite sports team, favorite player, favorite singer, favorite dancer...however we are hesitant to hang a cross, wear a cross, wear religious clothing or anything related to Him.

So I am so excited to be able to personally experience the "fire" of the African Christian culture and be able to witness the miracles that faith can bring.

As for the infertility front...I have no idea where I am in my cycle. IF I ovulated last week...then I am currently 8DPO. But again, I don't know if I actually ovulated or not, so I am just going to try and NOT test and just wait for AF to show. I have been having sore bb's and some cramping today so maybe "she" is on her way.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Finally...the end of the week...

This has been a stressful week - ok it has been a stressful couple of weeks! I still am not sure if I ovulated or not. My test on Wednesday morning had two lines and the test line was almost as dark as the control, but not quite. All tests since then have been lighter and lighter.

So I think I may be 2DPO, but I am not really sure. This may be an anovulatory cycle.

I have no symptoms...none. Not even made up ones.

I don't have cramping, I don't have sore bb's, I am not tired, I have NO symptoms.

So, I am just waiting, I don't think I am even going to test this month. I think I am just going to wait until AF shows (since she has actually been showing up lately). I just don't have the energy to deal with another BFN. Not right now. And especially since my sister is pg now.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Update on me...

Today is CD16 for me. I still haven't received a + ovulation yet, but that is ok cause last month I didn't "O" until CD22, so I am just patiently waiting. Well I am kind of being patient.

My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha

Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!

My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.

Well. I don't.

What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.

What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.

I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

CD12 Update

I'm here...CD12. No "O" yet. Started the glorious monotony of peeing on sticks tonight.

My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.

I am going to be an aunt again!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Impossible to Please

I decided this morning as I was getting ready for work that I am impossible to please. (and my husband would probably agree)

Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.

I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)

So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).

I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!

I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!

I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:

DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy

I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Rockin and Rollin

I have had the most amazing week with my husband. Sometimes we just go through these spurts of not really enjoying each other's company. It's not that we don't love each other or anything, we just go through times where we don't really talk that much, and we don't spend a whole lot of time together. This week however, I feel so close to him.

Last night we sat outside on our porch watching the beautiful monsoon storms and talking and talking and talking. We were outside hanging out and visiting for three hours. We laughed, I cried, we laughed some more, it was awesome! Every night this week we have spent real quality time together. We swam together, went out for drinks...just really enjoyed each other.

I love him and have SO enjoyed spending this quality time with him. Tomorrow is our massage, dinner and a movie night. This is definately a great start to this cycle!

I started Clo.mid last night. 100mg. I have felt pretty good today, no side effects. So far...So good.

My weight has been bothering me again lately. I saw pictures my friend T took at my birthday party last weekend and also some other pics from a friend the other day and they just really bothered me. The last six months I have been really confident and felt really good about my weight loss. However, now I think I am over it. I need to lose more, I want to lose more. I just wish it was as easy to lose as it was to gain! Grrrrr

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Wow Wow Wow

I logged on today and realized that

1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.

So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!

There, now I can move on to other business.

I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.

Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.

For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

So Sorry...

I am so sorry I have not updated. Seriously I thought I was going to have to check myself into a white padded rubber room. I am not sure if I can blame it on the Clo.mid or the overall hormone stuff or what, but I have been extremely emotional and moody. I can't wait to actually feel like myself again!

I tested on 12DPO cause I am a glutton for punishment. negative

I tested on 14 DPO. negative

I was devastated once again. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for this period started on it's own, I ovulated...I really am grateful, but I just so wanted this to be the month for us!

On a positive note, my friend T came in from Texas on Friday. It was so good to see her! We caught up for a few hours and then the three of us (Pace, T and myself) went out to watch fireworks. We got back to the house kind of late, so we all crashed out.

Saturday was the day of my birthday party. It was so much fun! Not too many people came, but the ones that did had a great time. We rented a karaoke machine and it was a huge HIT! We swam for a while and then sang even longer. Many incriminating photos and videos were taken and fun was had by all.

On Sunday Pace, T, myself and a couple of friends went tubing down the Salt River. This is a huge thing to do here in AZ, however I am not a fan of wild water at all. I have heard some horror stories about the parties and the nudity and such and was actually pretty nervous about the whole event, but I went. I can now say that I am glad I went...but will never go again. It was ok, but it was really hot, there were WAY too many stupid drunk people and I smashed my arse into a huge rock in the rapids that has left a huge purpley, green bruise on my right butt cheek.

We got home from the river and I had to take my friend T back to her in-laws. It was so sad, I didn't want her to go. She and her hubby will be here in Oct. for her husband's R&R and I can't wait to see them again! I so wish they would hurry up and move here already. Hopefully once her hubby gets back from Iraq the will move here.

As soon as I got home from dropping T off...AF rang the doorbell. That's right folks...two months in a row she has come on her own. A fricken miracle!

I am currently on Day 3 and will start 100mg of Clo.mid in 2 days. I am NOT looking forward to another Clo.mid cycle and am not happy at all that I have to take it again. Pace said he has already rented the straight jacket and is ready...I wish I was as ready as he is.

Again, I really apologize for being MIA but I was totally obsessing and literally going crazy over the whole 2WW thing. I am really going to try not to do that this month. It so isn't worth it and I just miss feeling like myself again!

Thanks for those of you that checked up on me! You guys are the best and are totally the reason I had enough nerve to post a new blog today! I will fill you in on how 100 mg of Clo.mid treats me in a few days.